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How to politely tell someone to stop flirting?

jameshawket

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The title is loaded, because, you see, I can't tell if this guy is flirting with me, or if he's just being really nice.

I'm engaged, and he's seeing someone, they've been together for a long time. We both work together, and he and I have been messaging on facebook the past few days because I don't have any gay friends and I'd really like to build some relationships with any that I meet so that someday my fiance and I can have gay friends to double date with or just to spend time with an other couple that is like us, you know?

However, the problem is that I can't tell if he's being cyber flirty with me, or if he's just being super nice. He's a really sweet guy, so it could go either way, but he's just been saying a few things here and there that could be taken as flirty.

Again, he's taken, and I'm not leaving my fiance for anyone in the whole world, so neither of us are looking to jeapordize our relationships, but I think sometimes people think that flirting is ok as long as you're not doing too deep with it, and my question is, if I start to feel that he's being really flirty how can I politely tell him to stop?
 

pepinogrande

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I don't think we have to give up loving one person in order to love another. We do not quit loving our eldest child when a new one is born. You have different needs, your male buddy fulfills one set of your needs with his friends and your female buddy fulfills a different aspect of your life were her friends and family.

Like on a big pipe organ: ALL of the stops are necessary to properly interpret the music which is our life !
 

TrueShot

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I don't think we have to give up loving one person in order to love another. We do not quit loving our eldest child when a new one is born. You have different needs, your male buddy fulfills one set of your needs with his friends and your female buddy fulfills a different aspect of your life were her friends and family.

Like on a big pipe organ: ALL of the stops are necessary to properly interpret the music which is our life !

That has absolutely nothing to do with what the OP posted. At all.

To the OP: This is kind of delicate because you mentioned it's possible your friend isn't flirting at all. What are they saying that makes it so ambiguous?
 

B_subgirrl

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Just tell him 'I feel uncomfortable when you . . .' You don't even have to phrase it as flirting. In fact, it doesn't really matter if it IS flirting or isn't. If it makes you uncomfortable, just tell him so.
 

jameshawket

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I don't really know how to explain what he's saying without just giving it verbatum, and I feel like he's the kind of guy who might be on this site and that would be super awkward if I posted our messages and he were to see them here.

He may just be a very nice guy and his nature comes off as flirty when he's not. I know quite a few people who are like that, and all it was is that they were trying to be nice and they were deeply offended when they were accused of flirting by other people.

If it progresses, I suppose I will just tell him that he should lighten what he's saying and remind him that we're both happily taken in the nicest way possible. After last night he seems to have toned it down, so maybe he caught it himself that he was being a bit flirty and stopped. He loves his boyfriend as much as I love mine, and I know he'd never jeapordize that for anything.

Thanks for the advice.
 

Countryguy63

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Since you guys message frequently, bring up infidelity in one of the conversations. Make it like a discussion. Maybe compare relationship do(s) and don'ts, since each relationship boundaries are different. You start and express your devotion to your partner and what constitutes "out of bounds" for you guys, and then ask about his relationship boundaries.

You will not only be able to basically tell him that you're not open to stepping outside your relationship, but you may find that he is not either, and is just as you called it "Cyber-Flirting"

Good Luck :fing02:
 

rbkwp

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an infidelity clause should be built into all relationships?
M/F/M/ sideways whatever ..

easy to cut n paste from your first few lines CG
 

britishboy

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Since you guys message frequently, bring up infidelity in one of the conversations. Make it like a discussion. Maybe compare relationship do(s) and don'ts, since each relationship boundaries are different. You start and express your devotion to your partner and what constitutes "out of bounds" for you guys, and then ask about his relationship boundaries.

You will not only be able to basically tell him that you're not open to stepping outside your relationship, but you may find that he is not either, and is just as you called it "Cyber-Flirting"

Good Luck :fing02:
I was thinking of suggesting something similar. I just felt like an example of the sort of things he was saying would have helped be clear on what the flirting entailed. What's flirting to one person, just might be friendly banter to another.

I agree with raising your devotion to your partner in conversation and maybe asking about his. Reminding him of your partners could bring to light where he is going with his flirts. If he seems dismissive of talking about one/either then that might show that he's giving you attention instead. If he seems perfectly happy relationship-wise, then it may just be all in your head and he's just especially flirty. It's up to you where you want to go from there.

As I said, an example of what he's saying would be helpful.
 
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tell them to "F*** Off" and F*** political correctness. be candid.
 

Countryguy63

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Just an FYI that sort of fits this situation... I can be extremely flirty and just assume that the recipient knows that I am in a committed relationship and will not do anything that jeopardizes it.

**of course group sex including him is ALWAYS an option :naughty: :biglaugh:
 

LaFemme

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Just an FYI that sort of fits this situation... I can be extremely flirty and just assume that the recipient knows that I am in a committed relationship and will not do anything that jeopardizes it.
**of course group sex including him is ALWAYS an option :naughty: :biglaugh:

First half of post: My heart when thud! :frown1:

Second half of post: And then it went thud thud thud thud! :biggrin1:
 

redneckgymrat

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However, the problem is that I can't tell if he's being cyber flirty with me, or if he's just being super nice. He's a really sweet guy, so it could go either way, but he's just been saying a few things here and there that could be taken as flirty.

Again, he's taken, and I'm not leaving my fiance for anyone in the whole world, so neither of us are looking to jeapordize our relationships, but I think sometimes people think that flirting is ok as long as you're not doing too deep with it, and my question is, if I start to feel that he's being really flirty how can I politely tell him to stop?

Welcome to my world. Being an asexual, 90% of the time I can't even tell if someone is flirting with me...lack of experience, I guess.

When in doubt, I usually just make certain that my suspicion is clear. Asking, flatly, "are you coming on to me," is not taboo. Wait for the right moment, of course, and possibly mask it in humor, but open that door.

Then, depending on the answer, react in the way you consider appropriate.
 

MickeyLee

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burp.
loudly and often.
pick phantom underpants out of ya butt.
often and with an "oh, yeah.. good one" expression on your face.

if he's flirting... he'll stop.
if he's being over-friendly.. he'll back off.


add me to the list of folks who can't tell when someone is flirting with me.
*ponder* heck, i flirt without being aware of flirtation.
i'm an inadvertent flirter.

going by reaction.. i'm really good at it
:confused:
 
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NicholasSommerby

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I have friends who act naturally flirty, but they're just being funny most of the time. My friend JP plays with flirting with his good friends, but if you took it seriously he'd back off since he was just doing it in a playful way.

There's perfectly nothing wrong with being up front though, but just asking him politely, or telling him politely that you're in a relationship and don't like him flirting with you. If those are the signs you're picking up from him, ask him. If it isn't the case, then it happens. If it is, then just very politely tell him to stop.