How to slow down?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by RalDudeHangin, Feb 11, 2011.

  1. RalDudeHangin

    RalDudeHangin Member

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    Some female insight would be appreciated.

    I've been seeing this great woman for about 2 months. She's into me way more than I'm into her. I really like her and I'm not going any where, but wow, she wants to be with me 24/7. She gets offended if I want to spend any time away from her. Is it too much to ask to spend one night a week with other friends? One evening after a particularly long 12 hour workday, I just wanted to veg in front of the TV and crash early. She wasn't very understanding about me wanting some time to myself.

    I can understand to an extent why she's like this. Thru friends and stuff she's told me, she's had a bunch of jerks for BFs. Honestly I think she's so into me because I'm treating her well, I haven't seen other woman while we've dated, I [mostly] enjoy talking with her and give her my undivided attention . . . "little" things that I just assume should be understood in a relationship. I guess her previous BFs didn't take their relationship seriously with her.

    If you were totally into a guy and he wanted to back off a bit, what could he say that would get his point across without upsetting you? Or do I just treat her like a big girl and be point blank with her? She's sweet and thoughtful and I don't want to hurt her but she's coming on too strong.

    I've never had reservations about communicating with a woman like this before. Maybe this is just a sign that she's not the right one for me.

    Ugh... why do I have to be so nice sometimes. I think I liked it better when I wasn't a one woman dude...
     
  2. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    Is the only problem that she won't let you have time alone and with friends? Or are there other examples of her being 'too into you'? Because advise given may differ, depending on what's going on.

    If it's just the no-alone-time thing - some women seem to think that a guy doesn't care about them if he doesn't want to be with them 24/7. I am the opposite. I think in a healthy relationship, both parties need to spend time alone, and with friends (without their partner). I don't think it's healthy to completely lose yourself in another person. But I'm really not sure how you could communicate this without hurting her. I guarantee that it WILL hurt her if you tell her you don't love her as much as she does you.
     
  3. Icarium

    Icarium New Member

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    I think that you should down and talk to her about this and try to re-assure her that you like some space of your own and that its not her. You could compromise by phoning her when you're not seeing her and have a good chat, that way you still get time on your own but she still feels involved and she's sharing time with you.
     
  4. B_Bjen2848

    B_Bjen2848 New Member

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    i think its better for you if she wants to be with you 24/7 instead of her being cold and distant towards you .. it must mean you're doing something right if she always wants more of you .. i say keep doing what you're doing until it starts affecting life outside of the relationship
     
  5. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

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    She'sclearly too needy..and if you need some space..JUST TELL HER..
    how her actions make you feel and that you need space in order for your bond to blossom..

    If she doesnt get that..she's not ready to be in a rels with you yet..
    She needs to take care of her 'old douchebag BF's hangups'-first.
    She obviously doesnt know yet she needs to be happy being with herself first ..all that you offer in time, attention and care..is just an added plus.

    You are not them (the exes)..you are you..and you feel you need to take it slow. If that is not what she wants or needs right now..then its time to move on..

    Because if she can't let go of what she feels she needs right now..you will not be able to provide this for her anyway..
    But discuss this..and give her the option to choose which path to follow..

    Because if you are going to keep this inside..and not say a thing out of fear that you'll hurt her (or cause drama)...you'll slowly start to resent her and..chances are dissappear all of a sudden or blindside her.

    Just be open..she is a big girl. Bigger than you think.

    Edit: the key is not to go cold turkey right away..but to train her in your absence..by telling her when you will reconnect again..this will give her something to trust..and when you keep your promise..she'll trust you more and it will be easier to take some breathing time..
     
    #5 EmJay, Feb 11, 2011
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2011
  6. petite

    petite New Member

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    If that's the only problem, just be straight with her. Be kind and considerate and not too firm, but tell her how you feel, exactly the way you told it to us, except without the stuff about your past and her past. It would reassure her that you're really into her if you told her that you really like her and you're a one woman guy and you really enjoy your time together, but you need some alone time sometimes and time with just your friends and that doesn't mean that you aren't into her, that's just something that you need. Actually say that.

    Don't hint around about it. I dated this one guy who was in our social circle, so we were together all the time, just like we were before we dated, except now we were also spending the night together. I think it may have been too much time together for him, but it wasn't for me. He started acting really weird and wouldn't pick up the phone sometimes and sometimes he would tell me he would call me when I would ask him what we were doing and then he wouldn't and he started doing things with our friends without me. Well, I broke up with him. What else did he expect would happen? I thought he didn't like me any more and I was tired of being treated like that. He pouted at me for the next six months while I dated someone else. In retrospect, I think he just wanted some space and he was trying to "hint" that to me because he didn't have the courage or communication skills to just tell me that and I think it really upset him that I broke up with him. Don't do that. That's a case of serious miscommunication because he wasn't being straight with me.

    And you've only been dating a few months, so there are going to be serious communication issues. It takes a while before the communication thing works out and it takes conscious effort to get there. Things like this, taking the iniative and being straight with her, while you reassert that your relationship is doing just fine, that's a big step towards having a better relationship down the road.
     
    #6 petite, Feb 11, 2011
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2011
  7. petite

    petite New Member

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    Well, it's hard to tell before he's told her if she's actually needy or if it's a personality difference or if it has to do with her previous relationships. It could just be that she's used to a different relationship style. Some couples really do spend a lot of time together, and she could be used to that and not realize that he's the kind of person who likes more alone time. That guy I dated, I don't know if he assumed that the fact that we spent so much time together meant that I wouldn't dump him, but if he thought that, he was wrong. I didn't need him. I just liked spending time with him, until he stopped treating me the way I deserved to be treated because he didn't have the skills to communicate his needs. When he started evading me and acting strangely, which was disrespectful to me, I decided I'd find someone who would treat me better. I don't think he realized that would happen.

    I totally agree with you that he just needs to tell her.
     
    #7 petite, Feb 11, 2011
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2011
  8. NCbear

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    My man and I talked about this before deciding to become a couple. We were upfront about our need for "alone time" and "together time." We were also upfront about the possibility of not being on the same channel at the same time.

    It might be all about her not knowing how to communicate openly and honestly with her life partner because she hasn't ever done it before.

    Which means this'll be educational for the two of you. :wink:

    I second much of the advice above, but one more thing: It's often easier to hear and understand advice--and apply it to your own situation--if you discuss the concept in the abstract beforehand. Consider doing that, without applying the concept to your own specific situation.

    Also, do you think you can raise the subjects of "alone time" and "together time" as topics just to find out what her general perspective is? I mean, does she really expect to immerse herself in you (and you to immerse yourself in her) in some kind of fairy-tale, happily-ever-after, codependent way? Is there a way in which your discussion in the abstract can let you see what she really wants?

    And then is there a way for you to help her understand that everyone needs time to be an individual, everyone needs time to be with their life partner, and everyone needs time to be with others in non-romantic, non-sexual ways?

    NCbear (who knows you can guess my opinion of this "I want to love YOU and only YOU, forsaking all others" kind of attitude :rolleyes:)
     
  9. borntobeking

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    I am curious to know if she has any friends of her own. In fact were I in that situation I would simply suggest that she has a "girls night out". Sort of a reverse way of showing her how fun it is to get out with her friends from time to time and that may lead to her understanding your need as well. Before I was married, I had a girlfriend like this and it drove me crazy we dated for 1.5 years and in that time I pretty much alienated all of my friends because she stayed glued to my hip 24/7. It was stifling.
     
  10. petite

    petite New Member

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    Oh, I need to add that I really did just want him to tell me what was wrong. I kept asking that him over and over again, and he wouldn't tell me why he was acting differently, which was frustrating me, and he kept being evasive and avoiding me. So I arrived at my own conclusion, which I believe was the wrong conclusion, but I didn't realize that until I saw how he reacted to me breaking up with him. I thought that's what he wanted. I would not have broken up with him if he had simply told me what was going on in his head with kindness and consideration. That's all I needed from him.
     
  11. RalDudeHangin

    RalDudeHangin Member

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    All the times I've read other similar threads on LPSG I never thought I would ever post. But the "third" party input is really helpful. Thank you everyone for throwing in your 2cents and giving me some fresh perspective.

    Of course I asked a few guys friends... let's just say they were a little more callous. We do have a similar social circle which puts us together quite a bit. So asking most women I know might get back to her and I don't want her to hear this from someone else...

    I agree with those of you that said being evasive isn't the way to go either.

    I need to just talk with her . . . about everything. . . her past relationships, our social circles, ... everything, so she doesn't feel like I'm targeting her.

    So the next question is . . . do I wait until after valetine's day??? And it's my birthday so I'm sure she's going to go out of her way to do something for me. Seems like crappy timing to have a conversation like "we need time apart". . .

    I think I read into things too much . . . blargh . . .
     
  12. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

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    Timing is never good..when you have something that might be perceived as 'bad news'..

    Don't wait..talk to her tonight..in person..not over the phone..

    its not like you are breaking up..you simply want to take things a bit slower..and decrease the frequency you see each other..
     
  13. petite

    petite New Member

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    If you do it after Valentine's day, you might send the unintended message that telling her what you're telling her is related to whatever nice thing she did for you for Valentine's day and your birthday. I'd do it sooner. The thing is that you need to not make a big deal out of it.

    Also, I really don't think it's necessary to bring up your past or her past when you tell her that you want more time to yourself. Like I said, I think you should say what you said in your OP without any of the stuff about her past bad relationships and what you think about that, etc. That sort of turns it into an "issue" when it doesn't need to be, and it could go badly if it makes her feel blamed or if that talk places fault, and it really derails the point and focus of the talk. If you just say, let's tell each other our wants and resolve them, then you're not placing any blame for how things have been in the past two months, you're looking forward to the future, and the conversation is totally equal, both of you expressing what you want, regardless of the reason why you want it, and if she volunteers why she wants what she wants and how she feels, then I'd explore that, but I suggest that you let her bring it up if she wants to. NCBear's suggestion about talking about your expectations and desires, your "ideal" relationship and what that would be like, that's a really good idea.
     
  14. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    I don't think it's a good idea to say you want to 'DECREASE the frequency you see her'! It's too negative sounding. Much better is that you want to INCREASE your alone time and time spent with friends.
     
  15. borntobeking

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    "Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls..........."

    -Khalil Gibran
     
  16. RalDudeHangin

    RalDudeHangin Member

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    Thanks again. More great input. I'll see her again tomrrow and will def say something. Seriously appreciate the thoughtful responses from everyone.
     
  17. okitsok

    okitsok Member

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    she's insecure and probly has issues... If you want to be an independent dude... u need to be with a girl that understands that and can give that to you. I've been in your shoes and what ultimately happened was break up. Wish you the best bro
     
  18. RalDudeHangin

    RalDudeHangin Member

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    It's almost 2 months later and I thought I would respond with an update . . .

    I did talk with her shortly after posting. I kept it neutral and talked about our individual spaces. What followed was an awesome conversation.

    In a nut shell, this is the vibe from our talk . . . As I had mentioned in my earlier post, she was in previous relationships that were pretty draining on her and I can relate to that. On the extreme ends of the spectrum, there are givers and takers in relationships. You would hope that sometimes its 10% - 90% and other times its 90% - 10% but most of the time it's somewhere in the middle. There should be a balance. Turns out we've both had lots of relationships in which we've put ourselves out there with not much in return. My response was to protect my space and her response was to try to be there for me as much as she could because it wasn't so "taxing"... she found it easy to be around me because I never demanded anything of her . . .

    Not sure if that makes sense and I'm articulating it properly, but we turned out to be on the same page - with lots of things. Talking is so important. I know that but sometimes it's hard to do it.

    The past couple of months have been great. I'm head over heels, stupid nuts about her. We have balance in our space and in other areas of our relationship, and now I can't get enough of her. This feels good. I don't think I've ever had anything like this before.

    :)
     
  19. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    Wow! What a wonderful result! I'm happy it worked out so well for you.

    Thank you for the update.
     
  20. D_Tam_Ponds

    D_Tam_Ponds Account Disabled

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    That's awesome. And I think all too rare these days. Glad you found each other :)
     
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