How to Start a Fight

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by jakeatolla, Mar 28, 2011.

  1. jakeatolla

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    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started.....


    ________________________________

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
    'No,' she answered. I then said,
    'Is that your final answer?'
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And that's when the fight started...


    ________________________________

    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    "Nah, she can order for herself."
    And that's when the fight started.....


    ________________________________

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
    kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, "Do you know him?"
    "Yes", she sighed,
    "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
    split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
    that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
    care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
    important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
    snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
    a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
    when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
    cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    ________________________________

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, "What's on TV?"
    I said, "Dust."
    And then the fight started...


    ________________________________

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
    slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
    proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
    pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
    weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
    undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
    different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
    is out fishing in that?"
    And that's how the fight started...


    ________________________________

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
    I bought her a bathroom scale.
    And then the fight started......


    ________________________________

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
    processed my Social Security application..
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
    And then the fight started...


    ________________________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
    And then the fight started........
     
  2. Charles Finn

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    tooo funny
     
  3. Gillette

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    My bf, impatiently watching me strip a tire off a rim, complained that he was going grey in the time it was taking me. I replied that not only was he already grey he was half bald, too.
    And then the fight started...
     
  4. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

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    the pain behind your eyes
    You've-either used these in real life, or you have witnessed them happen to other couples, no , Jake?
     
  5. hockeyguy741

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    lol.....:smile:
     
  6. paneros

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    THanks for posting these - got a good laugh out of them!
     
  7. mattsrod7

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    haha nice, i like the first one
     
  8. WeirdLabs

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    So i stumbled over this blog entry with jokes ending with repetitions of the same phrase over and over again.
    So i wrote to admin "You sir are stupid!"

    And then the fight started...


    (Sorry admin, it was just too funny. I had to post it.)
     
    #8 WeirdLabs, Apr 21, 2011
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2011
  9. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

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    the pain behind your eyes
    So, I asked my wife, "well, what'd you think of my performance?"
    And her reply, "Well, I didn't think much of your organ."
    And I retorted, "Well, I didn't think I'd be performing in an auditorium!"
    And then the fight started...
     
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