How to start a friendship with older coworker?

Iorek

Experimental Member
Joined
May 5, 2008
Posts
39
Media
0
Likes
5
Points
228
Location
NC
Sexuality
90% Straight, 10% Gay
Gender
Male
I'm straight, he's straight, this isn't a hookup thread.

I'm in my 20s, this guy's married with kids, probably 50+. He doesn't want to go see The Avengers, he doesn't want to come over and play Xbox, he doesn't want to go to the bar with me, and leave his wife and kids at home. I don't even know how to get started on something like this.

The guy's about 1 level of authority higher than me where we work, but he's not my direct supervisor, and if we had some really catastrophically bad experience outside of work I would still have a job. No problems there except that I don't want to piss anyone off.

This guy is the happiest, manliest guy I know, and he's the kind of genuinely good person that just has everyone's best interest at heart all the time no matter who they are or what decisions they've made. How could I not want to hang out with a guy like that? He's pretty fuckin' cool. I just have literally no common ground to start out with so we can feel it out. Honestly I don't think he hangs out with anyone from work. I don't think anyone with kids does. Is that what happens when you have kids? No more hanging out with your buddies?
 

MH07

Expert Member
Gold
Platinum Gold
Joined
Aug 5, 2004
Posts
421
Media
3
Likes
123
Points
513
Location
Houston
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
I'm straight, he's straight, this isn't a hookup thread.

I'm in my 20s, this guy's married with kids, probably 50+. He doesn't want to go see The Avengers, he doesn't want to come over and play Xbox, he doesn't want to go to the bar with me, and leave his wife and kids at home. I don't even know how to get started on something like this.

The guy's about 1 level of authority higher than me where we work, but he's not my direct supervisor, and if we had some really catastrophically bad experience outside of work I would still have a job. No problems there except that I don't want to piss anyone off.

This guy is the happiest, manliest guy I know, and he's the kind of genuinely good person that just has everyone's best interest at heart all the time no matter who they are or what decisions they've made. How could I not want to hang out with a guy like that? He's pretty fuckin' cool. I just have literally no common ground to start out with so we can feel it out. Honestly I don't think he hangs out with anyone from work. I don't think anyone with kids does. Is that what happens when you have kids? No more hanging out with your buddies?

A bit of advice: yes, that's what happens with a lot of people when they marry and have kids; it's so exhausting that they don't have time for anything else. An older married guy is not going to the bar with you; he's not coming over to play Xbox (if he's that much older, he may have no interest in Xbox).

The only way to pursue this is to just literally be friendly to him--let him know you look up to him--and don't have very high expectations.

(When I was young, I went to bars, ran around, had tons of energy, etc. Now I'm middle aged, work 60 hours a week, and spend most of my leisure time trying to rest to get up and do it again. Don't be too hard on him...)
 

rbkwp

Mythical Member
Joined
Aug 21, 2007
Posts
79,212
Media
1
Likes
44,901
Points
608
Location
Auckland (New Zealand)
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
No experiences of such Matey
Perhaps you could spend time suggesting to him you would like to be a part of his Social scene, in the hope of an invite to meet the wife and kids is maybe a good starter, and NOT blatantly cheeky in my books
Will give him the option of maybe inviting you around to meet / meal etc
Worth a try
Cant see him being offended if you genuinely showed interests in his prime interest huh?
 

Iorek

Experimental Member
Joined
May 5, 2008
Posts
39
Media
0
Likes
5
Points
228
Location
NC
Sexuality
90% Straight, 10% Gay
Gender
Male
A bit of advice: yes, that's what happens with a lot of people when they marry and have kids; it's so exhausting that they don't have time for anything else. An older married guy is not going to the bar with you; he's not coming over to play Xbox (if he's that much older, he may have no interest in Xbox).

The only way to pursue this is to just literally be friendly to him--let him know you look up to him--and don't have very high expectations.

(When I was young, I went to bars, ran around, had tons of energy, etc. Now I'm middle aged, work 60 hours a week, and spend most of my leisure time trying to rest to get up and do it again. Don't be too hard on him...)

I didn't mean to imply that I even wanted to try those things with him. I know he's not interested in my generation's selection of leisure activities. Maybe when it warms up again I can try to get a group of guys to hit the batting cages or something. He could bring the kids if he wants, or no. That's the kind of thing I'm going for. What can I actually do to promote an opportunity for non-professional setting social interaction?
 

MH07

Expert Member
Gold
Platinum Gold
Joined
Aug 5, 2004
Posts
421
Media
3
Likes
123
Points
513
Location
Houston
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
I didn't mean to imply that I even wanted to try those things with him. I know he's not interested in my generation's selection of leisure activities. Maybe when it warms up again I can try to get a group of guys to hit the batting cages or something. He could bring the kids if he wants, or no. That's the kind of thing I'm going for. What can I actually do to promote an opportunity for non-professional setting social interaction?

Have lunch with him, talk with him (it's perfectly normal and ok to stop by his desk and say, "hey, wanna grab some lunch?"...and don't invite the immediate world, just him. If there's some work question you can come up with--he's older and has more expertise than you, assumedly--there's your opportunity. "Hey, Fred, I'm having trouble trying to decide what to do about something, can we go to lunch so I can bounce ideas off you?" Or, you could even go so far as, "Hey, Fred, you seem to be able to do this so effortlessly; I'd love to find out how you got started in the business."). Then Find out what HIS interests are (besides wife and kids). Golf? Tennis? Watching Football on TV? Reading? Bowling? Gardening? (You'd be surprised, people's interests run the gamut; one of my co-workers is a volunteer fireman and works a complete second day at the fire station after we get through at the office).

Once you find out something he's interested in, if it's not too repellent to you, express a similar interest and suggest you get together to do it. "You like golf too? I was going to hit the driving range Saturday, why don't we both go?"

Etc.

(I like movies. I don't socialize a lot with coworkers, but if one said, "Hey, wanna hit the Bond flick?" I'd probably say, "Sure!").

Edit: More on the lunch idea: People LOVE to talk about THEMSELVES; for most people, it's their favorite topic. Get him talking about himself and you'll find out more about him personally; then you can find a route into a friendship. There has to be some basis; it's up to you to find it, so get him talking and you'll at least find out some interesting info. I've been in my business 33 years, and it's always fascinating to me to find out where others started, where their careers have taken them, and how they got to this point in time. Sometimes we have similarities, sometimes not at all. I like listening to people's stories....).
 
Last edited:

CygnusKnights

Experimental Member
Joined
Nov 28, 2009
Posts
50
Media
0
Likes
2
Points
153
Suggest lunch together, eventually dinner? No offense to you, but maybe he does not want to become friends with you for several reasons. For a start, you do work together even if indirectly together. Figure out what his interests are, maybe he likes to golf, read, or follow stocks?

However, if you think that it's possible to become friends with this individual, don't come off as too eager; just leave it as an open invitation and casually see if things turn up.

Well good luck, I'm actually genuinely interested in how you approach this.