How to talk to your parents about why I was Circumcised?

[MARCOPOLO4]

it's water over the dam, let it go

 

[bearman66]

Hindsight is 20/20 and it's easy to judge another's choices or lack of choices. There was a time that the British were pro-circ and thought the non-circ populations were barbarians. Much of the pro-circ and anti-circ debate hinges on personal opinion, aesthetics, and unfortunately propaganda that implies the other views are off base. Go back further, the Romans and Greeks considered circumcision barbaric, while the rebellious Judean provinces felt the brutish Roman conquerers were barbaric for not circumcising, among numerous atrocities that were commited by either side. Has the human race changed that much in 2000 years?

Even if circumcision were only allowed by consent of the adult being circumcised, there would be a subculture that would define its identity using body modifications that likely include circumcision as an anti-establishment icon, ritual of passage, pain endurance as well as those who find the practice of post-natal circumcision to be an integral part of their religious and cultural heritage who could rightfully argue curtailment of religious freedom. There would even be the cases were a circumcision is medically necessary, regardless or one's anti- or pro-circumcision views.

 

[bearman66]

Even in the 60's and 70's there were some kids who must have escaped being circumcised, I really can't in any circumstances see me allowing a doctor to chop bits of my baby.

Yes, indeed, most were first generation Americans, home deliveries among population in remote areas as well as counter-culture groups, certain religious sects, and Indigenous Americans. Also, post-natal circumcisions were rarely performed on premanture males, though it was common for a circumcision to be done within the first two years, if not, he likely reached adulthood uncircumcised.

Most of my life I never saw an uncircumcised penis, it was a gym locker rarity usually belonging to someone from one of the aforementioned groups or an immigrant, typically Asian or Hispanic as European immigration to the US was virtually nil during the 60's and 70's and Canadians had similar circumcision rates. The practice was common in Canada and Australia at least until the 1970's and only dropped off significantly from the 80's and ownward. Even in the US, rates may be reported lower than actual because the current managed health system sends patients home quickly, so it is often done at the first visit to a pediatrician, and goes unreported as RIC. Also, given the birth rate of Americans of European descent is much lower than most of the ethnic groups and immigrant groups, the numbers are skewed. It is still quite common among American males of European descent, probably closere to 85% as opposed to the 95% rate when I was born in the 1960's.

 

[bearman66]

This isn't a valid defence, there isn't any choice when it comes to being born, there is a choice about circumcision.

I don't intend it as a defense for circumcision. Rather, the OP's tone and questioning seems to imply that he has issues due to being circumcised that are not due to being physically harmed. I'm simply saying the birth process was probably more traumatic than any trauma that the circumcision may or may not have caused and his mother was likely in more pain from childbirth than he experienced with his circumcision. Cutting the umbilical cord, which is necessary may even cause as much pain, given that care must be given to the navel after birth. I'm not aware of any special care given to a circumcised male aside from cleaning and making sure there is not excessive bleeding beyond the first two days.

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

I've seen a circumcision, although it doesn't go on as long as childbirth does I think it would hurt more. The umbilical cord doesn't have any nerves so that doesn't hurt.

 

[dolfette]

Females: you have no business commenting on this thread. Or, we can discuss female circumcision. It's the same thing: involuntary mutilation.

as the mother of a son with a penis, as the partner of a man with a penis AND as a compassionate human being posting on a publc message board? i have every business commenting.

and if it was a thread about female mutilation, i would appreciacte input from the men. indeed if you read the threads on female mutilation, there are male posters aplenty.

you may as well say that intact men have no business here.
or men who are happy with the cut have no business posting here.

 

[D_Biff Wellington]

this is going to be a late post, but I'm going to add my two cents in anyway based on what the original poster wrote.

i had a discussion with my mom a couple years back when i became concious of the fact that most of my classmates were circumcised at birth. i really never had an issue with my dick although i did think of getting cut a while back. when i asked her she simply responded that she thought that i should stay intact like my father. she didn't really have a good reason for it.

i feel as if most parents are going to give a simple non-hostile answer like that due to the fact that decisions like this are made when your mom was recovering from giving birth to you and when your dad was freaking out about the fact that he was a father. the pros and cons circumcision was probably far from their minds. don't be angry with them - they were just trying to do what they thought was best for you under the circumstances.

 

[ZOS23xy]

Do you other issues with your parents as well, or is this just one? is this the 'tip' of the iceberg? You sound frustrated and deeply angry, and this issue seems to surface for you in cycles.

Maybe NJQT was right: you might need some help.

 

[D_Kaye Throttlebottom]

Females: you have no business commenting on this thread. Or, we can discuss female circumcision. It's the same thing: involuntary mutilation.

I want to clarify, I'm not trying to hammer you for your opinion either. However I wanted to ask *matt21* (the author) if part of the involuntary mutiliation is linked to another boundary issue. It's a loaded question, but historically, people that were molested as children, look for meanings and associations about having something taken away, esp. their genetalia. In some instances, they are piercing it, because they have control of what happens. It's manifested another way. In other instances, we look at the first time something was taken from us, a decision, some control we try to get back and we look at the first time it happened, our parents. Why did you cut me?

If that seems too extreme a reason, I'm only speculating here, but again your reasons, may not be matt's reasons, or a mother's reasons that she had her son's cut. Or the mistake that happened at Hopkins years ago, where a mistake with circumcision on a set of twins, neutered one twin and the doctor had the nutty idea that they could reassign him as a her and lived a horrid life as a girl.

There are reasons and your talk with your parents had a negative outcome, but your reason for doing so may not be matts' or anyone else's reasons.

For that, I hope you remain open and hear what the rest have to say or at least support matt in the best way to find what he's looking for or read something else that may give me some relief from the anxiety he is walking around with -- maybe judgment?

I think this is a good place to try this out FIRST, before talking to parents and for that, the female o/p is necessary, if not that of a mom.

-hugs all around?

 

[briefs]

My mom was totally cool with the question (my dad is deceased). It didn't bother her at all to discuss tis.
I was born in 1955 (antiquity). She said it didn't occur to her or my dad at all whether to have me circumcised or not. I do know the name of the obstetrician.
Fortunately for me I was cut loosely. I can pull skin over the head and it stays there.
The "anger" comes from not having a choice, from not having been able to experience the sensations of being intact. One can work on restoration -- it takes time, but can be fun. One can work on acceptance and learning to love your cock no matter what. And that's free!
We can't change past events but we can change our reactions to them.
I still would prefer to have my foreskin but I also love the cock I have.

 

[Dave NoCal]

Suggesting that there is something wrong with Matt for being interested and concerned with this question is out of line. To those who suggeested that, would it be unreasonable for you to want to understand why some other part of your body was removed for no reason other than other people's preferences. The days of parents and doctors getting a free ride on this issue are coming to an end. It is a practice that thrives on silence and the cat is out of the bag.

 

[dolfette]

Suggesting that there is something wrong with Matt for being interested and concerned with this question is out of line. To those who suggeested that, would it be unreasonable for you to want to understand why some other part of your body was removed for no reason other than other people's preferences. The days of parents and doctors getting a free ride on this issue are coming to an end. It is a practice that thrives on silence and the cat is out of the bag.

couldn't agree more.
the need to know...it's part of human nature.

 

[D_Kaye Throttlebottom]

Suggesting that there is something wrong with Matt for being interested and concerned with this question is out of line. To those who suggeested that, would it be unreasonable for you to want to understand why some other part of your body was removed for no reason other than other people's preferences. The days of parents and doctors getting a free ride on this issue are coming to an end. It is a practice that thrives on silence and the cat is out of the bag.

Again - those are your reasons.

I wanted to ask matt, why?

Did it ever occur to anyone, that might be a question his parents will ask him? It may not be a defensive question that they ask, but want to genuinely know why.

Everyone is layering this their projection about WHY it would be an issue for them, but I don't see anything that is offering: "how do I go about talking to my parents."

I'm glad that you know why it would be an issue for you and that you are confident you know his reasons, which may be true or not.

He many not give us a reason, but he said he is STILL bothered by it, he knows he cannot get that back and that's not his attachment, but wants to find a way to go about talking to his parents about it.

The criticism about how we participate or what our motives are, or if by gender we're allowed to comment on this, is starting to wane on me, when everywhere on this board it is littered as a "support group."

So I think suspecting everyone of nefarious intentions or bashing our ignorance and confusing it with lacking empathy isn't serving anyone. Mothers have a hand in making the decision and a mother may have to answer this decision. If we mirror the same behavior, to blast and accuse the reasons for her, the way you are deciding my motives here, I don't see it going over well.

Since I haven't heard back from matt; he doesn't have to volunteer a reason why, I just wanted to ask what is it about talking to your parents that you're afraid of? I wouldn't walk in with an expectation that you know what they are going to say or make accusations about taking something from you, even if you feel that way. You know what the general population thinks and what advice your parents were given or what the norm is, you can chose to say that first, and then state how you feel about it. I don't know that even your parents know what happened during your surgery.

Most of all, you know your relationship with your parents better than any of us. You probably know which parent would be more open to this topic than not. I do think finding another way to broach the subject with something innocuous in the news and then linking it to your concerns.

Here's something that is current: Whether it's true or not, who knows w/ tabloid media. New mom Christina Aguilera threw a circumcision party for her son. Isn't that nuts? Absurd? Get some comment about it as topic and then proceed with your questions as on off-shoot of something that was already topical.

You know if it would be easier to disarm your parents first with something in the news, before you transitioned to the questions that are bothering you about your parents decision to circumcize you.

At any rate, I hope you get what you're looking for from your parents.

 

[dolfette]

he should have justification ready for wanting to know

my kids ask me stuff all the time...why i chose those names, why i chose that lifestyle, why i discipline the way i do or have the rules i do.
and i'm happy to explain that i'm doing what i consider the best/healthiest thing by them.

as long as there's no anger in the questioning, a simple "mom, dad...why did you choose to have me circumcised?" is reasonable. a straight forward, honest question.

though i'm sure the answer will be that they thought they were doing the right thing at the time.

also, i recall once reading a post here...
a guy was listening to his parents pressure his sister into having her baby cut.
he piped up that actually he wasn't happy to be cut.
the parents stopped nagging the daughter, the daughter was reassured that she wasn't ruining her son's life and they all got to talk about it honestly.

just because they aren't having more kids, doesn't mean that they'll never influence a new parent. and society needs to be brave enough to talk about this openly in order to move forward. the people who choose to do this won't do it simply because public perception says "don't ask why! just do it!".

 

[dickerydoc]

he should have justification ready for wanting to know

my kids ask me stuff all the time...why i chose those names, why i chose that lifestyle, why i discipline the way i do or have the rules i do.
and i'm happy to explain that i'm doing what i consider the best/healthiest thing by them.

as long as there's no anger in the questioning, a simple "mom, dad...why did you choose to have me circumcised?" is reasonable. a straight forward, honest question.

though i'm sure the answer will be that they thought they were doing the right thing at the time.

also, i recall once reading a post here...
a guy was listening to his parents pressure his sister into having her baby cut.
he piped up that actually he wasn't happy to be cut.
the parents stopped nagging the daughter, the daughter was reassured that she wasn't ruining her son's life and they all got to talk about it honestly.

just because they aren't having more kids, doesn't mean that they'll never influence a new parent. and society needs to be brave enough to talk about this openly in order to move forward. the people who choose to do this won't do it simply because public perception says "don't ask why! just do it!".

The "why" isn't really necessary, is it? I mean this is just BS. We all know the reasons why circumcision is done... what's really being discussed here is the need for some men to let their parents know that they did was wrong? ...hmmm

 

[dolfette]

The "why" isn't really necessary, is it? I mean this is just BS. We all know the reasons why circumcision is done... what's really being discussed here is the need for some men to let their parents know that they did was wrong? ...hmmm

no...
i think i'd want to know.
was it because of family tradition?
maybe other men in the family had had foreskin problems?
maybe the doctors pressured new parents?
understanding another person's reasoning can help us to understand them, help reduce resentment, teach us empathy, bring us closer.

people want to know why in many situations.
and, as parents, we DO owe our children an explanation.
the "you're just bringing it up to hurt them because you're angry!" assumptions seem overly defensive to me.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

I'm cut. I've never wondered why, wondered what if, I've never questioned it. I don't care. All I know is my penis works and it feels good.

I'm not trying to be rude, but I have also wondered why some men are so upset about being cut when they have no way to know what it's like to have foreskin, nothing to base their anger on for not having it. I know all about the extra nerve endings and sensation and all that comes with foreskin, but I also know there are some problems people have with it being too tight and the retraction thing. There is also the extra care needed to keep it clean. Some parents just don't want that hassle. Me personally, I am happy with the decision my parents made.

Now if I had my foreskin up until last week and they took it from me, then I would be pissed.

That's a wonderful attitude to have about it. My dad is uncut and says its a hassle to have foreskin. Its all about your attitude about foreskin. After reading here about how many men are happy to be uncut, i'd choose not to circumsize my son. Although there have been a few males in our family who have had to have adult circumcision due to problems later in life.

Given you cant get your foreskin back, Mr.Hardcock has the right approach about it. I know it must be very difficult for you to think about it and havning no say so about it. My best advice to you would to be to not brew over the details as it will only make your disappointment and anger grow about it. It's not healthy to think to much over what we have no control over and make up your mind you wont circumsize your son and have control in that decision.

I wouldnt want to start a family feud over foreskin babe. It's just not worth it. People arent going to see your point of view as well as you'd like them to. It probably wouldnt be a bad idea if you feel you are thinking of this issue a lot to see someone professional about it, not because you are insane, but because it's not healthy to ponder the rage about it that much. A psychologist would be able to help you move past this and make you feel less controlled by it.

I'd be happy if my clitoris orgasmed as easily as every functioning male i know. I've considered female circumcision to remove the hood to help with my orgasmic difficulties. I know i cant compare my situation to yours but there is something to be said about being able to orgasm. I've struggled immensely and that can take a toll on your mental faculties.

Hang in there hun, don't let this be a source of so much grief for you.

 

[B_dxjnorto]

I'm not trying to be rude, but I have also wondered why some men are so upset about being cut when they have no way to know what it's like to have foreskin, nothing to base their anger on for not having it. I know all about the extra nerve endings and sensation and all that comes with foreskin, but I also know there are some problems people have with it being too tight and the retraction thing. There is also the extra care needed to keep it clean. Some parents just don't want that hassle. Me personally, I am happy with the decision my parents made.

This justification or similar comes up again and again. Not knowing the difference is not the same as saying there is no difference. Furthermore, despite all you have heard to the contrary (sour grapes) there is no inherent danger growing up with the penis you were born with. Cut men have no increased life expectancy over men with normal penises.

Now if I had my foreskin up until last week and they took it from me, then I would be pissed.

Well, yes. And what if you just figured it out last week?

 

[dolfette]

stupidly extreme comment here but...

if i blind my child at birth, they cannot ask me why, because they have never known sight and can't possibly miss it.

 

[B_phe1249]

I approached the subject once.... I was quickly asked "had I been drinking again?"