How & when to ask to "bare" it all

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK, Mar 25, 2007.

  1. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

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    the pain behind your eyes
    OK, so, it's going into almost 1.5 months that I've been seeing this girl I met at work loading her up into her car. And in all that time as we progressed on to a more intimate/sexual relationship in addition to our love for another, and in all that time, we've been going the protection route, IE, condoms. But now I'm beginning to wonder if she's ready to consider to go sans gloves. But I don't know how to ask her that, and I don't even remember the parameters of how to ask her.

    How has anybody else asked to go at it without protection, and what were your parameters?
     
  2. IntoxicatingToxin

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    Hmm... that's a good question. I always waited to go without condoms until we were officially 'together'. Or however you want to say that. Is she on birth control? Do you know how she feels about the possibility of getting on birth control? I would just outright ask her. Just make sure you let her know that if she's not comfortable with it, that it's totally okay with you.
     
  3. STYLYUNG

    STYLYUNG New Member

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    Hi! Daddy!
     
  4. NCbear

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    Chuck, it's an interesting question to raise. To me, at this point in my life, going condomless in a relationship has a lot to do with relationship permanence, intimacy, and trust. I can't do it without knowing my partner's HIV status (as well as any other STDs).

    I'd imagine that for a woman it has all sorts of connotations of long-term commitment as well, and perhaps even a connection to the idea of having children together.

    If I were in your shoes, Chuck, I'd think about why I want to go without a condom. Is it merely a need to feel more comfortable during sex? A need to increase sensation? Or a symbolic gesture that you've committed to this woman and she does not need to fear catching STDs from any "extramarital" flings? Or some other reason?

    Then, in whichever case, I'd sit her down and say, "We need to talk. I would like increased sensation during sex" -- or "an increased sense of intimacy" or "I'd like to show you how committed I am to you" -- "by taking off the condom."

    Of course, don't expect an answer immediately. She may have a lot of questions before she decides how she wants to respond. She may have a different view of your relationship than you do -- which is understandable: you're two different people.

    In any event, I'd take a moment to think about why I'd want to ditch the condoms and then how to express that to my partner.

    My $0.02.

    NCbear
     
  5. bigboobs

    bigboobs New Member

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    After my partner and I had been dating for approximately 6 mos., he approached me in a very considerate way.....by suggesting that we cement our commitment to each other by being tested. He approached it as a means to quell any of my concerns and fears. The way that he proposed it and followed through with making the testing process "special" spoke volumes as to the type of person that he is......and defined him as the type for which I would consider taking that life-or-death step.
     
  6. invisibleman

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    Hey, you should really ask yourself--"Are you ready to have kids?" "Are you able to support a family?" "Do you really love her that much (after dating her 1.5 months) to warrant sex without a rubber?" "Have you discussed about what would happen if she did get pregnant by one of those 'without a condom' sexisodes?" "Have the both of you had STD tests checkups?" "Do you have the wherewithal to risk it?" "Do you actually love this woman enough to want to have kids with her?" "Is she trustworthy?" "Are you trustworthy?" "What about her family's personalities?" "What about your family's personalities?"

    You should be able to discuss these type of things. Children deserve parents who can properly take care of them.

    I think that you should hold off. Take as much time as needed. Think about it. Keep on using protection. She MAY even have questions for you to answer. Have a frank discussion with her.
     
  7. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

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    Well, that indeed, is a very complex problem there, IM. I don't want to just tell her that if we both wanna go ahead with this we both need to get checkups & insult her, I mean I really love her.
    How do you approach asking a partner about getting checked up without risking alot?
     
  8. bigboobs

    bigboobs New Member

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    Make it about the commitment, not the check up. It would be difficult to feel insulted knowing that someone is wanting to take the next step towards monogamy. Please note that you would be disclosing your health history as well as her. Take her out, express your feelings for her, and explain that you want a monogamous relationship with her. If she agrees, then go further by explaining that you have planned a day or afternoon to be tested.....as a further expression of your love for and commitment to her. If she is insulted or does not wish to do the same, then that will define her investment in the relationship.
     
  9. B_ScaredLittleBoy

    B_ScaredLittleBoy New Member

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    "Do you wanna try without?"

    I have no problem asking that. You Americans, making a big deal out of little things.

    Oh and call off the Pregnancy Police. If she is on the pill there is very little chance of them conceiving. Even in perfect conditions there is only a 1/5 chance of conception. A condom is also VERY effective.
     
  10. invisibleman

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    Well, you should be frank with her. Even if it, does seem insulting. You have to talk serious stuff too. She has the right to ask serious stuff of you as well. That is the way of relationships. No easy way but to discuss it with her. There are a lot of things you will have to talk about. Whatever you feel the need to talk about is serious. She has the same right, too.

    Anyway, your relationship is still new. You never really know a person in one and a half months. You are still in the romantic phase. Date each other a little while...like a year. Ask her what are her intentions. You should be telling your intentions. People do change in relationships though. It is a disappointing thing.

    Hey, I wouldn't rush things. There is always a time for everything. Learn to always communicate. (Have that in your relationships--communicate, comunicate, communicate.) Good or bad. Honesty is always the best policy.
     
  11. invisibleman

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    You both could go together on the same date to both get STD checkups. Only when the time is proper.
     
  12. bigboobs

    bigboobs New Member

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    I do not believe that a person's health and livelihood are "little things". :smile:
     
  13. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

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    the pain behind your eyes
    you know, your'e right: after only a month and a half, AIDS/HIV/std/possible pregnancy isn't
    really any big deal-------​
    WRONG!!!!
    SLB,

    I don't care if she's a virgin, cleancut, & everything; for all I know, she could've lied to me & in reality was a former coked up slut with no morals at all and was fertile as all hell to become a welfare mommy.
    the fact is- & will continue to be that we've fucking like rabbits with gloves on and wanna move onto a monogamous relationship, and until I know that we're both clean as a whistle, that's the way its going to be.

     
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