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Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by dolfette, Jun 22, 2011.
assuming they were a relatively healthy weight when you got together.
It wouldn't bother me as long as they're not like a whale. I like women of all sizes. If they wanted to lose the weight and return to their previous size, I would set-up an exercise plan for us to follow and turn it into a fun activity.
This is actually a conversation in our home right now. We both quit smoking and have each put on about 10-15 pounds. I am stepping up my diet perimeters and my work out routine at the gym. I think if I ask my partner again when his due date is he will probably start taking some action. I simply said to him if you become obese and develop health problems because of that you are negating the reason we quit smoking.
This problem is lurking around the corner at our house too. We both quit smoking several years ago and indeed both gained weight (me about twenty pounds, he about thirty pounds).
We spend winters in Asia and of course we always slim down there. This year upon returning to New York I was determined to remain slender. He immediately started bulking up.
I can't tell you how much I dislike not only his weight gain and having to see him sit there eating all of the time.
I have tried everything to no avail. I am a former chef and have told him I will only cook meals for him that have very limited calories and will keep vegetables and fruit available for his snacking. He is not interested in this regime and actively dislikes low calorie foods and maintains vegetable and fruit snacks leave him feeling unsatisfied.
(He'll have two ham sandwiches an hour before dinner simply because he's "hungry". He seems to have a pathological fear of the sensation of hunger.)
This is a very long term relationship and I have told him by changing his physical appearance as much as he's doing he's violating a major part of our relationship agreement as well as turning me off big time. I've gone so far as to say I fell in love with him many years ago because he was young and slim and if I'd known he was going to bulk up in middle age, I would not have created the relationship I created with him long ago.
Sadly he'd rather have food than me (or anyone). I've told him I don't wish to be celebate (we have always maintained an open sexual relationship) and I will be having sex with other people, he is free to do the same.
I have talked to Doctors, Nutrionalists, therapists about what I can do to support his desire to not look like a mound of flesh. All to no avail.
I wish I had better news for you, but all I can say you have to acknowledge their behavior may destroy your relationship and that you love this person and will do anything possible to support them in loosing weight and staying slender.
Good luck, and if you find a successful path, please tell me your secret.
I met a guy on my 35th birthday who was a very robust 200 lbs. He was on the average side of taller (about 5'10) but had massive shoulders and chest, so he could carry the extra ~15-20 pounds. He was very frank about how he'd recently lost about 150 lbs, and how large his sister and most of his friends were (still are, really). He was also very firm in his commitment to keeping the weight off.
In the nine years we were together, he only stayed at 200 lbs for, maybe, 18 months (if that). An entire life of obesity had shaped his personality in profound ways, and when stresses arrived (as they do), he reacted by feeding his compulsive habits: first for food, then eventually for pain medication. At the end, we weighed every ounce of 350 (he admitted to 325, but I'd say he was very nearly 400 lbs), and I was forced to have him involuntarily committed after he took 120 Percocets in a single weekend
As we ate together, and ate the same food during meals, his compulsive eating came either when I was at work or in bed. I never saw him binge, but he must have. Nothing else explains the enormous disparity in weight between us two.
His weight was not ever the subject of discussion because he simply wouldn't tolerate it when I'd bring it up, no matter how sensitively I went about it. However, as time went by and the weight continued packing on, my interest in him sexually suffered a corresponding diminution. When he wanted to pick a fight, he'd mention his weight and my stuttering sex drive together in a way that was both accusatory (toward me) and self-punishing/loathing (toward himself). It reached the point where I'd simply refuse to engage him on the matter in any fashion at all.
Obviously, we had more than our fair share of dysfunction. He fundamentally found himself to be unlovable, despite nine years' worth of trying to convince him otherwise. In the end, it wasn't even the weight that split us up: it was the drugs and the behavior that went with them.
Shallow as it is....
Added weight? Not a big deal, but would be dishonest if I said it wasn't a concern. Not talking temporarily, but as a don't care, permanent issue.
Obese? Big deal (unless because of an uncontrollable medical issue)
in our relationship, my wife is the one who has gained weight, but she did it over time, with children and age. when we met, she was 19, 104 lbs, I was 24, 170 lbs. that was 35 yrs ago. a couple yrs into "us", she put on about 10 lbs, most of it in her boobs(seriously). she looked fantastic. I pretty much stayed the same, gained very little, but got more muscular as I was working out. we had a couple kids, wife got a little chunky, but followed WWatcher. got down to 120 lbs, looked great. she could walk into a bar with me, every male head turned.and the gals too. the fact, that me, her husband, was with her did not stop some men from hitting on her. More than one friend of mine, pulled me aside out of jealousy, and told me how lucky I was. Some of them even wanted to know how she was in bed, and what I was packing to keep her by my side. This was 13 yrs into "us". we had another child. wife struggled to loose weight after, eventually got it down, but not 120. then a few yrs late, hysterectomy. when she recovered from the surgery. she actually lost some weight & we were fucking like crazy. then she started getting a little crazy in the head, and slowly after the last 15 years the weight has piled on. she's at about 180, and I'm at 205, which is about stantard for me over the last 20yrs. I'm 6'6" tall. she could stay more active, but she has problem moving. lucky for me, I just naturally lean, thin, and exercise daily.
It would bother me for very good reason. Keep in mind , a person doesn't become obese overnight, and I do think there is a difference between being obese and just putting on a few pounds. Obesity can alter a person's lifestyle and affect those around them.There are health issues to consider , as well as the ability to have satisfying sex etc. But if you are a couple who has always been used to being active- hiking, biking, traveling , and doing certain things together, I can see where life would be altered somewhat. It shouldn't change how we feel about the person, but for me it would be a problem. Especially if it is a situation where the person has given up on themselves and just chose to stay that way.
Oh My Gosh! This is an awesome topic!
Very good for you both! Believe me, it's not easy! I recommend drinking a lot of green tea.
OMG, Country! You're so fucking shallow! Lmao!
Now to be serious...damn.
I'm glad that you created this thread because it's something that I've been thinking about for the past few weeks. I've always been a big guy, but I carry my weight extremely well. At 8 years of age, I played on a football team for 10-14 year olds, and had a scrimmage against our senior team, 15-17 year olds. I got knocked down a bit, but I took out some of their best players hard! At 8 years of age I was just over 5 feet, and weighed 141lbs. By the team I joined the wrestling team in the 7 grade, I was around 5'6, 177lbs. I still carried my weight well. After I started to focus more on the violin, I gave up tennis, and wrestling. I led a pretty sedentary lifestyle, only getting active when it was necessary, such as PE, volleyball during family or group functions.
Fourteen years later, and we're in the present. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a big guy, and I love SEX!!!! SEX, SEX, AND MORE ASS FUCKING SEX!!!! Sorry, where was I? Oh yes. With me being a very sexually active person and a big guy, I noticed that I expanded my attraction to bigger men. I'd prefer men who were at least 200lbs, 400lbs max, and they had to be able to handle rough sex. Almost 3 months ago, I finally realized that if I kept telling myself that one day, I'd be slimmer and healthier and didn't do anything about it, that day would never come. So I joined planet fitness, and I've been so proud of myself and really changing my life. I changed my diet- what I eat, what I drink, how my food is prepared, and cayenne pepper is a good friend! There's a picture of me in my profile, and it reflects my weight at my heaviest. I had no idea how big I had allowed myself to get. Before I started, I was 6'2 and at least 400lbs. I say at least because I really have no idea the exact weight. I noticed that I had lost some weight, so I got on the scale and saw that I was 398lbs. I started to tear up because I had no idea that I had let myself go. When you see yourself in the mirror every day, you're only familiar with your perception of you, not how others see you. I smiled when I realized that I'm still sexy. :wink:
Anyway, I'm on a journey with a healthier lifestyle. I've given myself 2 years- by the time I get to grad school to have my body where I'd like it, and I believe that I can do it. I have the determination, the tools, and the wisdom to do so. And I've realized that out of sexual partners, I'm far more turned by healthier men. I love muscles, and that's something that I want from a man. At the same time, it's not fair of me to ask a man to live up to standards that not even I meet. But I'll get there!
Some of you are probably wondering "Okay, Dante, we want to know how you would deal with this- we don't give a shit about the rest!" And I promise you, I'm about to tell you. During one of my many stoner moments, I thought about my life, and my body, and how it's not where I want it to be. I thought if I could go back in time, I could have stopped myself from eating those brownies, or those french fries, or sent myself anonymous letters, leading myself to the gym. And then I thought about all of the delicious foods that I would eat, and how eating healthy was fine, but OMG GIVE ME CARBS, and PIZZA!!! It then hit me. I wasn't happy during my childhood or my teenage years. Eating cookies, cakes, pies, or pizza gave me a feeling of happiness. People really do eat their feelings. We all have our vices.
Now that I am happier, I have no desire for sweets, really. And if I do, I eat yogurt or granola or fruit. And it doesn't even bother me. In the past 2 days, I've had 2 glasses of crangrape juice. Otherwise, I drink 2-4 liters of water a day. I make sure I work out, and really bust it out at the gym, otherwise, you're just wasting time. When you're in the dark, you look for the smallest spark to bring you a bit of light, and everyone has a feeling of satisfaction when they eat. So, I would treat the obesity like a drug addiction, and they're basically the same in this case. Get the person any help that you can get them. It's stressful, I know. Seriously, it's an emotional rollercoaster, and it happens to be a long ride, and you don't know that you want off until you've already left the platform.
Anyway, I hope that answered some questions.
Ooooo...I have a great deal to say on this topic, but seeing as it is going to be one of my muktipage epic posts, most likely addressing ALL the various posters before me, whikle also explaingin my own convoluted view point(wel the veiw pointis simple, the logic behind it requires some explaining), I will save it till i am offiially off work and not on a late break.
Simple answer to hold everyone over: I would "cope" (such a silly word really, as far as my viewpoint goes) thusly: i would love them, and find them sexually attractive still. My only concern is if their BP was raised (believe it or not, heavy does not always have higher BP. Exercise and luck of genetic draw plays as large a role), they were having ambaltory issues, they were depressed (in this case a sharp wieght gain would have set off alarm bells i my head anyway. The weight gain would then be a symptom of the underlying issue, and THAT issue would very well need to be addressed quickly), or their cholesterol level was wonky. Oterwise i could care less. If they were overall healthy, happy, and were still the same person personality wise (core lifetime traits not transitory life stage traits) then what is the big deal.
And yes ths was my view when i was 127 and 3/4lbs (just a hair under actually) at 5'11" (borderline anorexic though I didn't see it. Oh i was getting exactly 2000 calories...but living a 5000+ to 6000+ caloric expenditure lifestyle, though at the time I didn't see what the big deal was) and when i was at my heaviest (which i may post in my fuller post) to now that I have lost wieght and am actively trying to be healthier.
And this folks is my short post. lol!:tongue:
:-( That's sad to hear. But you're correct, it's all about the behaviors.
I say this being a heavy guy myself, but being athletic. Years of working out and genetics have given me a naturally muscular frame even at 315 (I always no one guesses my weight correctly), but my on-off addictions to food have covered it. I've since changed my eating habits and after a running injury in March I'm back to running again. Although I've always received nice compliments at my present weight (wear 2x shirt, size 42 pant/short), I did notice I received the most when I weighed 210lbs during college (XL shirt/ size 34 pants). We (society) naturally respond to vitality, and that even occurs within the structure of a relationship. The difference is we accept the lovely idiosyncrasies that come with our partners, vs a total stranger & dealing with whatever unknown baggage they may have. But people of all weight have "baggage" as we all know.
I once dated a guy who was 375lbs, back when I was around 250lbs and in the midst of a heavy workout phase. Unfortunately he had trust issues due to his weight from a previous relationship, and we never had sex the year we dated. In the end I broke up with him, but we remained friends. While my weight has increased since our dating days, I am working hard to lose and keep it off for good. But when talking with mutual friends, they say he's nearly 450 and doesn't really care about his weight. To complicate matters, our mutual friends have shared that he talks about me often in hopes of getting back together. Oh boy.
His weight has been a source of consternation, but I understand I'm no one to talk. The difference is my doctors want me to be around 225-235 due to my frame, so I have my own work cut out. But my ex hasn't taken any steps to change his lifestyle of eating. And that is the reason I don't feel I can get back with him again. He's such a sweet person, I'd love to get back with him...but not with his present behavior structure.
Heavy people are beautiful too, but I understand the concerns some would have dating heavier people (mobility/ life-activities/ health). For myself I am comfortable 100% with who I am, but I wasn't always. I'm losing weight now not because I want to show off my abs in my avatar, or walk around with no shirt on like Matthew McConaughey (although I'd have NO problem watching him all day). I'm losing weight now because I want to live. The superficial stuff will come and go. But someone has to feel a life/death situation to grasp a desire to really lose weight. Behaviors. Those are my thoughts.
obese like the generally accepted 20% over standard weight or obese like morbidly obese can't get around on thier own going to die in a year obese...
whatever you choose.
As I mentioned on the health board, my guy is facing the possibility of going on high blood pressure and cholesterol meds. I would like to help him. HE says he eats healthily but I can the see cans and bottles of processed foods he eats. Even Weight Watchers stuff. HE has asked me to move in with him. Maybe that's my chance to get him to eat better.
As for me, I am 5'6" and weigh 164 pounds. I'd like to lose 15 or 20 pounds myself. I remember those days when I weighed 140 and had a 25" waist. People tell me I look great and don't need to lose weight so I don't talk about these things IRL. I don't want to look like I'm fishing for compliments.
my partner currently weighs 310lbs and I would never ever date a skinny man unless he was hung like a horse and over 14inches or more. If I wanted a bag of bones with average size cock I would have one and that is a fact.
My partner is a former bouncer and he is very strong and he has a mix of muscles and fat and which makes a very delicious type of man in my eyes.
This is a hard question to answer without the context of age, duration of relationship, and knowing a few things about what's been going on in your lives. There is one thing I can say, though, having been on the other side of this - having lost 80 pounds in the year 2000 after some years of being obese, and then being healthy, fit, and having kept the weight off ever since: Nothing that you or anyone else says or does will make your partner lose the weight until he or she is ready to do it for themselves. If you push it, you're likely to get a grudging and short-term effort to change, and there's a good chance they'll resent you for it. They aren't clueless about their obesity and its ramifications, and if they aren't doing anything about it, it's because they haven't made up their mind to, for whatever their reasons.
You can tell the person in words of your choice that you're concerned about their health, and that while you don't love them any less, their obesity is affecting your desire for them, and that that saddens you, because you miss that part of the relationship. Depending on how the conversation goes, you can also add that it concerns and saddens you that they don't care more about their own health and appearance. Said in the right words and tone, in a non-threatening way, it's your best hope of planting a seed and maybe getting a dialogue going. If nothing happens, depending on how important this is to you, you may have some tough choices to make. Good luck. I know more than a few couples who have struggled with this.
I was always healthy through high school, did sports almost all year round so I never really found a need to go to the gym.
Then I went to college, and after my first year I found out that my eating habits and lack of any exercise apparently added 34 pounds of fat. Of course I didn't really notice it until my recent doctor's check-up (which put me at 208 pounds, but still otherwise healthy), but being over 200 was such an eye-opener for me. Now that I actually look at myself, I'm more plump in my mid-section and there's some added weight on my thighs - why didn't I realize that my pants were tighter and how I could let this happen?
Of course, now that I'm back home for the summer, my mom actually makes healthy foods (my dad has high cholesterol so we have to accomodate to that), and I'm much more active than I was in college - meaning that I'm doing more than sitting/studying or out at parties, drinking what I'm not supposed to in the states. I'm not paying for a gym membership, but I've researched some at-home workouts and I plan to put them to use. I think I've lost some weight in the past couple weeks, but I'm not stopping now.
I also plan to continue the workouts at college - the gym is paid with tuition, but my excuse always was not having enough time during the day to go to the gym... Well, now I should be able to do the workouts in my own room at night.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not impossible to lose the weight if you try. Walking, jogging or biking around the block... Doing push-ups and sit-ups in your own home... Sometimes you really need to have an eye-opener to dedicate yourself to becoming healthier.
I go to Walmart sometimes and see these incredibly hot daddies walking with their morbidly obese wives. I somehow get the feeling that these guys would be more than open to getting a blowjob from me. And I can understand why they would let me.
Or maybe they love their morbidly obese wives because those wives are just right for them and your definition of attractive means jack shit to them, not to mention that maybe they wouldn't touch you, or anyone else other than their wives, with a 10 foot pole. :smile: