How Would You Hand And React To This Situation?

erpap

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You have been in a long term relationship, which in unsaid terms is monogamous or maybe you discuss cheating is not a choice. You just found out that within 3 years of this new relationship your partner of a very long time has cheated on you maybe just once or maybe more than once with the same person or different people? Would you confront your partner? Leave it be, it was so long ago? Would you feel betrayed still after all these years? Would you want to know with who?

Thoughts? Experiences?
 

Nonsenseboy

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You have been in a long term relationship, which in unsaid terms is monogamous or maybe you discuss cheating is not a choice. You just found out that within 3 years of this new relationship your partner of a very long time has cheated on you maybe just once or maybe more than once with the same person or different people? Would you confront your partner? Leave it be, it was so long ago? Would you feel betrayed still after all these years? Would you want to know with who?

Thoughts? Experiences?
Talk your partner. You are clearly not into it.

Let your feelings be known and the reaction you’ll receive will give you enough information to make a decision. Don’t let it sit there because it will make you go crazy with time.
 
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There seem to be quite a few mentions of 'maybe' in your question which doesn't make it very clear as to what has actually occurred. However, IF you were in a monogamous relationship and your partner cheated on you, whether it was once or more than once, whether it happened one day ago or one year ago, that trust, which you once had, is now gone. It is up to you now to decide whether you can forgive their actions and/or rebuild that level of trust, which they destroyed. Why they cheated or with whom is irrelevant as that would only try to justify what they did and try to pass the blame onto you.

Personally, cheating is a deal breaker for me as it means that the person, whom I once trusted, has no respect for me. It also means that they have potentially brought home to me, the very person with whom they had been cheating. I take my health too seriously to allow that to happen.
 

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If you're actually asking how I would respond in this situation, its hard to say without more details. You said within 3 years of the relationship starting, and that it is a long term relationship, but you don't indicate how long. 5 years vs 20 years makes a huge difference in this scenario.

My thoughts on being cheated on are that it probably is at least partially my fault, I wasn't providing something that my partner needed in order to be satisfied with some aspect of our relationship, how much fault is on me could vary widely. But I lose respect very quickly for someone who isn't satisfied with what I bring into a relationship and cheats without having expressed to me what I am doing or not doing that is leaving them dissatisfied. In my mind, if you are in a relationship that is not explicitly open, then there is no excuse for cheating when you haven't give your partner and opportunity to change or an opportunity to end the relationship without getting hurt. I respect someone a lot more if they tell me I'm not making them happy or they need something else and end the relationship or give me the option to end the relationship, then someone who stays in our relationship for whatever benefits they get while getting their needs satisfied elsewhere and behind my back.

The length of the relationship and how much time has passed can change things significantly, and I've never been in a relationship long enough to get over something like that. But I don't know if I would be able to continue the relationship unless I could fully forgive the person completely, and I don't think I could begin to forgive them if I hadn't confronted them and discussed it completely. And, of course, there is a big risk of getting hurt more and hurting the relationship more at that point, but if a relationship can't survive that then I'm not certain that its' worth saving.
 
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deleted1074483

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cheating is cheating and if you have found out, even after a long while, it would raise two questions for me - why did it happen back then? and have you been cheating since.

I would wish to discuss it with my partner openly and frankly, and would be clear as to why I needed to discuss it.

If it had happened a long time ago and we were 'happy' now, then I make take a different view to if i'd been in a relationship for a short while and discovered this had happened. But I start from the perspective that once a cheater always a cheater and would otherwise want him gone.
 
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palakaorion

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If I had suspicions my presumably monogamous partner was otherwise, you bet your ass we're talking about it. The tone and volume level of the conversation would depend on how much time had passed, the veracity of the source(s), and with whom.
 

ohiorod

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If the OP is speaking from true experience, then my heart goes out to you. It is heartbreaking to hear or learn that someone you live or trusted has betrayed you. I think you have gotten a wide range of opinions and some are quite on target, in my opinion. I would add however, that I would strongly advise that you approach this in the most peaceful way possible if you hope to possibly salvage the relationship. Make it known that you are disturbed by something that you have learned and ask for the partner’s explanation. If you are non confrontational, it is a lot easier to gauge the veracity of the explanation and for things not to escalate to a screaming match quickly. Remain rational and then make the decision that you feel is best for your well being. Good luck if this is a real experience for you; stay strong!
 
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stustu

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Cheating is the ultimate betrayal. But in order to move forward you must separate the
rumors, facts, time lines, and unhelpful friends who love to insert themselves in your business.
Invite your partner out to dinner - tell him you have heard - seen - smelled (whatever) some
things which have unset you - ask for clarification and honesty.
Do not raise your voice. No actuations, calmly present your case and ask for his honestly,
You need to hear the truth, explanations, etc. from him in order to know your direction.
 
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