Husband troubles!Please help

[D_Easibye Robinhooded]

My husband I have been married for eight years.We got married and have a Lovechild, as many do.Now we have three wonderful small children.We are 29 & 30 years old.About a year and a half ago he revealed to me during sex one night that he looks at porn and masterbates.I guess I live in a little bubble, but I was shocked!We go to church every Sunday.We actually met at church.We were both virgins when we met in college.He has tons of unrealistic fantasies.They all involve me with other men.He has lots of fantasies of me being double pounded by Black guys and me having sex with big dicked strangers.Sometimes to make him happy I will tell him a story to cheer him up.I know he is always disappointed and let down in our sex life and it kills me but not enough to do it all the time.He tells me when he's searching for Porn on ask Tiava .com he searches for girls who look like me so he can fantasize about me.He looks at porn stars who look similar to people we know.Sometimes after he master bates he doesn't want to have sex.I get turned off sexually to him when I knw he's already taken care of himself.I feel like second fiddle.I am attractive and used to think i was sexy.But not compared to the women he is getting aroused by.I don't know why it bothers me so much.We have been together for ten years total and he never revealed this to me.Most likely I am guessing to avoid judgement or fear.Does Porn and masterbating make him unattached emotionally to me?I do not feel close the way I want to.I feel a wall between us when I come home after he strokes himself.He often tells me he looks at Porn now just to Jelq.Really?I try and get over it but it keeps coming back.He's a great dad to our kids,a good son to his parents, a hard worker.He's always been a great provider.I stay home and he would't have it any other way.I love our life except for this.I ask him every time I come home and I feel "the wall" i ask him.He tells me the truth even though he knows I won't be happy.Usually he tells me he just looked to see if there was anything new and there wasn't so he lost interest-nothing arousing.Yeah right.I know there is always something arousing on there.I get turned on just watching love scenes on movies.I have tried watching porn with him but it wasn't fun.I felt bad for looking at it when I judge him for it.I don't climax much frm sex alone.I can sometimes but get discouraged easily and give up on myself.I think maybe he's given up on me too.I know i can't be the only marriage having this problem.He doesn't think masterbating and watching porn privately a problem.He thinks it's totally normal and all males do this all the time.Any words to help would be great.

 

[petite]

Let me tell you, psychological researchers were doing a study to find out of porn was harmful and in order to do so they needed to find a control group of men who did not indulge in some form of pornography. They could not find any! They concluded that porn cannot be harmful to men because it appears that all men do it. All men.

I love it when I catch porn on TheBoyfriend's computer where the woman looks like me. I like knowing that if I'm not around, he's getting off on the closest thing to "me" he can get. It reinforces that I turn him on, that I'm what he wants.

Have you ever watched his porn?

No, porn does not mean that he's not attached or emotionally connected to you!

I think you may need to relax a lot about it and not make him feel guilty or beat yourself up!

May I ask why you posted this here instead of the "Women's Issues" forum?

 

[D_Easibye Robinhooded]

It was my first time posting.I didn't realize there were different sections to post.I can't figure out how to change it or post in women's issues.I seriously do not know how to relax about life and porn.Seems so wrong.I am always around for my husband.I feel like he would rather masterbate than actually have sex.He's less in the mood afterwards.When he hasn't looked at porn he has so much energy for me but that is rare.

 

[D_Easibye Robinhooded]

How do I repost this in a different category?

 

[petite]

Well, you might get more responses from other women in the other forum. Maybe you could PM a moderator to move it?

It's not wrong at all! It is normal and all men do it. You need to realize that first and stop judging your husband for doing it. He's just a normal man.

And maybe his lack of interest has to do with how you feel about him watching porn? When I asked if you watched it with him, I meant in a fun exciting way, not in a judgmental way that would make him feel really bad.

I think part of marriage and being in a long term relationship with someone is about exploring your sexuality together and enjoying it. It sounds a little like you're trying to alter your husband's tastes and it's not going to work. You can't make him not like something that he likes.

You need to turn this into something that you can both enjoy, say by beginning to watch it and then having sex while it's playing, or playing with his penis while he watches it, and if you can't enjoy it with him, then you need to allow him to enjoy porn on his own.

 

[517141]

I agree with Petite. Incorporate the porn into your foreplay. You say he's looking at women in porn that look like you, so to me that means he's still into you. Be sexually aggressive and make the moves on him before he makes the moves on himself.

 

[Industrialsize]

I moved this to the Women's Issues Form

 

[unabear09]

I'm sorry, but I have to be mean here. GROW UP! All men masturbate! Most women masturbate. Stop being such a prude. Don't tell me you don't have any fantasies at all. If you say you don't, you're lying. The thing that matters is he's not acting out on his fantasies. They are fantasies, not reality! He's not cheating on you, so why are you so appalled? He loves you. IF he didn't he wouldn't be with you and have three beautiful children with you.

 

[tray22nc]

I kind of have a problem with this post. Not to sound rude (although I'll probably come across that way) but if you have such a problem with porn and fantasy, why have you been a member of this site for nearly a year? I'm almost CERTAIN that during your stay here, you've looked at pictures of other men's dicks, right? It doesn't mean that you've actively gone out looking for another cock to suck. I find it to be a little bit of a double standard in that respect. There are two types of men. Those that jerk off, and those that lie and say they don't. Your husband jerks off, big deal. I'm sure that you haven't done anything to make him want you any less. He is just a typical man and likes to jerk off. I wouldn't worry about it to the point that it stresses you out this much. Embrace it and maybe suggest helping him out when he wants to jerk off?

OH....and the fact that he goes to church and is a good dad and son is COMPLETELY irrelevant. Just because someone jerks off doesn't mean they are a bad person.

 

[hsarge]

Men are visual. They need visual stimulation. Can you walk in front of him, naked and in heels; can you manually stimulate yourself while he is watching. Can you then sit on his lap and stroke his crotch. If you can, there is a 90% chance he will react. There is the the 'Madonna/Whore' complex, where a man wants to ravage a woman he knows only casually; but he can't seem to do that with the 'mother of his children'. If you can be that 'whore in the bedroom' you might just draw out the animal in him.

 

[petite]

OH....and the fact that he goes to church and is a good dad and son is COMPLETELY irrelevant. Just because someone jerks off doesn't mean they are a bad person.

I think she's having a harder time with the porn watching and what kind of porn he's watching while he masturbates.

But now that you bring it up, I didn't notice she was a member here for a year? Is there a reason? It could be because she was a virgin before she married her husband and she had curiosities or questions about his penis or their sex life. I noticed these are her first posts.

Guys, don't be so mean. She seems to be really naive and many women don't even discuss sex with their female friends. I have one female friend who has been living with her boyfriend for over 10 years and I have no idea if she's still a virgin or not. I assume not, but that's how close-mouthed she is about talking about sex.

She probably doesn't realize how absurd it sounds to wonder if men enjoy porn and if it's normal.

 

[blaquehorse]

Tray22 i see where you are coming from. She most certainly sees men's pictures on here but, she has problems with her man looking at porn!
Anyway, i think Petit and the other guys are right; you need to stop judging him and start relaxing unless ofcourse you've fallen out of love with him.

 

[AlphaSpartan]

Listen, I respect every religion in existence. I don't believe that any god (used as a regular noun, thus not capitalized) who is all-loving would give humanity a gift of ultimate pleasure then expect us to not use it to our fullest.

If I recall, when the Commandments were first made they were somehow destroyed. Seems like I recall that making God angry or something... from the standpoint of respect that would make him even more strict. The Commandments were forged after he created the universe though, potentially changing the original intent. If God is all-knowing he would have foreseen this happening, though, and yet he still gave us an ultimate pleasure.

I'm not trying to create religious conflict. I simply hate that the leaders of the Church have tons of different denominations that make people believe radically different concepts. If you must follow a religion I recommend living your life solely by direct quotations of Jesus (if you follow the Christian religion).

There are lots of men who watch porn and have sexual fantasies. I say have an open mind and do things so long as no one is getting hurt. My parents are ultra-religious and my dad is constantly angry and my mom is constantly depressed and no matter how hard I try - no matter what psychological tricks I use - their devotion to their religion has given them emotionally horrendous lives.

 

[D_Easibye Robinhooded]

this is actually my husbands site.He really enjoys this website.He just likes reading all teh threads.Since he's not a Gold member he can't get full access to see all the pics and vids.he is way too shy to ever post a profile or any personal info about himself.Other mens dicks kinda gross me out for some reason.My husband will show me pics sometimes of huge packages and ask if if turns me on or if i am curious to what it would feel like.

 

[petite]

Can I ask you a personal question? You're completely anonymous here, so there's no reason not to be open.

What do you like?

It sounds like there are so many things about sex that you don't like. Maybe you would enjoy it more if you began exploring more of what interests you and as you do so, then you'll become more comfortable with it. This might be an opportunity for both of you to improve your sex life together.

The first time I saw porn, I was a little repelled by it and it felt really creepy, even though the idea of it didn't bother me. But I was curious so I explored more and that feeling changed a lot, for the better in my opinion. The more open minded I've become, the better my sex life has been.

 

[AlphaSpartan]

Can I ask you a personal question? You're completely anonymous here, so there's no reason not to be open.

What do you like?

It sounds like there are so many things about sex that you don't like. Maybe you would enjoy it more if you began exploring more of what interests you and as you do so, then you'll become more comfortable with it. This might be an opportunity for both of you to improve your sex life together.

The first time I saw porn, I was a little repelled by it and it felt really creepy, even though the idea of it didn't bother me. But I was curious so I explored more and that feeling changed a lot, for the better in my opinion. The more open minded I've become, the better my sex life has been.

I'm gonna have to support petite on this one. I'd post my face except for the few immature people that are on here.

There's a really good chance we could help you since the site is almost entirely devoted to mature sexual discussion. To stick my repertoire in the open: I consider myself a philanthropist and have studied psychology in depth longer than I've been able to multiply.

I absolutely love my life solely because I have come to the point that my mind is open to everything... for instance: American culture dictates that sushi is abhorrent, then I tried it for the first time and thought it was the best thing ever.

 

[Not_Punny]

My husband I have been married for eight years.We got married and have a Lovechild, as many do.Now we have three wonderful small children.We are 29 & 30 years old.About a year and a half ago he revealed to me during sex one night that he looks at porn and masterbates.I guess I live in a little bubble, but I was shocked!We go to church every Sunday.We actually met at church.We were both virgins when we met in college.He has tons of unrealistic fantasies.They all involve me with other men.He has lots of fantasies of me being double pounded by Black guys and me having sex with big dicked strangers.Sometimes to make him happy I will tell him a story to cheer him up.I know he is always disappointed and let down in our sex life and it kills me but not enough to do it all the time.He tells me when he's searching for Porn on ask Tiava .com he searches for girls who look like me so he can fantasize about me.He looks at porn stars who look similar to people we know.Sometimes after he master bates he doesn't want to have sex.I get turned off sexually to him when I knw he's already taken care of himself.I feel like second fiddle.I am attractive and used to think i was sexy.But not compared to the women he is getting aroused by.I don't know why it bothers me so much.We have been together for ten years total and he never revealed this to me.Most likely I am guessing to avoid judgement or fear.Does Porn and masterbating make him unattached emotionally to me?I do not feel close the way I want to.I feel a wall between us when I come home after he strokes himself.He often tells me he looks at Porn now just to Jelq.Really?I try and get over it but it keeps coming back.He's a great dad to our kids,a good son to his parents, a hard worker.He's always been a great provider.I stay home and he would't have it any other way.I love our life except for this.I ask him every time I come home and I feel "the wall" i ask him.He tells me the truth even though he knows I won't be happy.Usually he tells me he just looked to see if there was anything new and there wasn't so he lost interest-nothing arousing.Yeah right.I know there is always something arousing on there.I get turned on just watching love scenes on movies.I have tried watching porn with him but it wasn't fun.I felt bad for looking at it when I judge him for it.I don't climax much frm sex alone.I can sometimes but get discouraged easily and give up on myself.I think maybe he's given up on me too.I know i can't be the only marriage having this problem.He doesn't think masterbating and watching porn privately a problem.He thinks it's totally normal and all males do this all the time.Any words to help would be great.

OK, take a deep breath and relax!!

First of all, he is NOT expecting you to act out his fantasies in real life. Men are perfectly capable of keeping their fantasies in their head and distinguishing fantasy from reality. Of course, if you can indulge him and DISCUSS his fantasies during sex, even better. My main squeeze has some pretty far out fantasies that aren't titillating to me personally, so I ask him not to discuss them EVERY time we have sex. He's fine with that. But every other time we have sex, we take his fantasies out of the closet and have fun with them.

Second of all, he IS attracted to you. Why do you think he looks for female porn stars that look like you? Be flattered!

Third of all, YES, it ISN'T fair that he jacks off before having sex with you. If I were you, I'd ask him to not jack off on certain days or not between ____ and ____ (maybe noon and midnight?) so that he's ready for you if you're in the mood.

 

[D_Easibye Robinhooded]

I just think porn is dangerous.He sees what women do online and then gets frustrated and disappointed with his reality.The things he enjoys hard core gangbangs, group sex, orgies,lots of double pounding.I use toys on myself while he double stuffs me so it in a way fulfills his desires but it's never enough or good enough.He get frustrated that while I am home taking care of the house and kids I am not masterbating and sending him vids of it so he can masterbate on his commute home.I have done it a few times for him but he always wants more because he thinks they are so hot.Extremely hard to video myself and play w myself at the same time.When I have done it, it's mostly been fake because I am so focused on holding the phone,lighting etc to really get into it.I wish I didn't mention religion because I get all the peeps preaching about it.I am not a Bible beater but just like a little Jesus in my life.I just don't see how you can look at porn and not be disappointed in your spouse.I feel like a sexual failure.I posted here because it's not a topic I am about to share.Don't want anyone judging me husband (except me).Men how do you have enough sexual energy for yourself and your spouse?You can't be full throttle for your honey if you have already taken care of business.i know when I masterbate(not much)maybe once a month I know I have less arousal for my husband.I am kinda spent.less stressed and relaxed of course but worn out.I feel bad so I masterbate less than I want to just so I can be totally aroused for my husband because I know how it feels.Does anyone understand me.You guys are a harsh group of people!!

 

[Not_Punny]

How do you know he is disappointed with the "reality" of sex with you?

 

[petite]

I just think porn is dangerous.He sees what women do online and then gets frustrated and disappointed with his reality.The things he enjoys hard core gangbangs, group sex, orgies,lots of double pounding.I use toys on myself while he double stuffs me so it in a way fulfills his desires but it's never enough or good enough.He get frustrated that while I am home taking care of the house and kids I am not masterbating and sending him vids of it so he can masterbate on his commute home.I have done it a few times for him but he always wants more because he thinks they are so hot.Extremely hard to video myself and play w myself at the same time.When I have done it, it's mostly been fake because I am so focused on holding the phone,lighting etc to really get into it.I wish I didn't mention religion because I get all the peeps preaching about it.I am not a Bible beater but just like a little Jesus in my life.I just don't see how you can look at porn and not be disappointed in your spouse.I feel like a sexual failure.I posted here because it's not a topic I am about to share.Don't want anyone judging me husband (except me).Men how do you have enough sexual energy for yourself and your spouse?You can't be full throttle for your honey if you have already taken care of business.i know when I masterbate(not much)maybe once a month I know I have less arousal for my husband.I am kinda spent.less stressed and relaxed of course but worn out.I feel bad so I masterbate less than I want to just so I can be totally aroused for my husband because I know how it feels.Does anyone understand me.You guys are a harsh group of people!!

I agree with Not_Puny that if he doesn't have the energy to have sex with you, then you have reason to complain about it. It didn't occur to me to come to that conclusion because TheBoyfriend looks at porn almost every day and we have sex almost every day unless work and/or exhaustion gets in the way. I also know that he masturbates, too, and he's around your husband's age. We have a really hot sex life, so I don't think it gets in the way. He doesn't seem to have any trouble with both masturbating and coming home and having sex with me.

Watching a fantasy in porn doesn't mean that you want to play it out. I also enjoy watching some of those things, and lots of other things that I have no desire to do in real life.

I think it's great that you make videos for him and you send them to him. It's so obvious that he's turned on by you!