Husband troubles!Please help

[hsarge]

To paraphrase 'Love Story': "Masturbation means not having to please anyone but yourself.' There are times he just wants to get off. Then, hopefully, there are times he wants to get you off. Hopefully, you are the same way. You sound a little passive; like sex will just happen; why don't you make it happen, the way you want.

 

[D_Easibye Robinhooded]

I have only done it a handful of times.My old phone was easier to record.I don't know if this is weird.But i really don't about him sexually when he's away at work.I am so pre occupied with the kids, chores, shopping etc. to send him videos.Now he tells me he wants nothing from me because he's told me too many times to send vids or nasty texts and I haven't.He's tired of asking and being disappointed.I am tired of disappointing him sexually but I for some reason just can't break out of my box.I am so comfortable here.Maybe I just am too selfish.That's what he tells me everyday of my life.I know i am just moaning and groaning on here and should probably put my shoe in my mouth and get over it.I am still getting used to the whole idea.I am extremely physically attracted to him but I am finding myself less and less being emotionally connected.Sex is usually what he wants and when he wants it.I only can fully satisfy him if he's getting a fantasy story told to him during sex.I can see the disappointment on his face all the time when he mentions he'd love one of my stories and I ignore his request or laugh it off.It bothers me that he wants to share me even in his fantasies.He tells me he wishes I was sexually active before we met so he could fantasize about that.He tells me if we ever split he would want all the details about who I was having sex with.Given the opportunity I think he would allow his fantasies to happen.If I brought another man home or another women he wouldn't stop it.Do I have too many boundaries.I think sex in marriage is ONE woman and ONE man.Is that too boring.Am i holding my husband back to much and causing him too much stress.I am constantly sniffing his balls and riding him all the time if he's been masturbating?How do I leave him alone and have peace about it?There have been periods of time when I have left him and the questions alone only to get mad about other things when his internet activity is really whats bothering me.I know I am driving us both crazy.I just don't know how to stop.

 

[D_Easibye Robinhooded]

hsarge-how could you tell I was passive?I totally am when it comes to sex.I love for him to be in control.I love when he wants me.It feels so incredible.Then I know I just am going to be a big disappointment.Weather he says so or not.I can just tell.It's not easy for me to climax for sex alone.I think he gets frustrated by that.I always use my rabbit on myself afterwards while he doses off.I do expect sex to just happen on it's own.I know I need to put in more effort but I want to be the big deal and not second chair.

 

[petite]

I don't think it's weird to not think about sex when you have kids to care for and chores to do.

To me it sounds like your husband is attempting to spice up your sex life together by involving you and feels disappointed that you seem to be so uninterested. I was on the other side of this once upon a time with a previous boyfriend. I wanted more sex and more exciting sex and tried to find creative ways of getting him more interested and he responded with reticence and disinterest and I did give up eventually.

It's very sad to me that it seems like you feel like it's a chore instead of exciting to you! Or that somehow you've concluded that he's uninterested in you when it seems so obvious that he's trying to involve you and that you're sexy to him.

Laughing at him when he's asked you to be sexy for him seems really mean to me. And again, fantasies are just fantasies. It's just stimulating ideas. Taboo things are exciting and they can be stimulating without the desire to enact them.

A lot of couples have open relationships or bring extra people into their relationships. It allows them to share an exciting sexual experience together. But you would obviously not be into that, but it seems like he's happy with porn and stories, so I think you would be happy with that.

How often are the two of you having sex? I ask because you make it sound like it's a lot more often than you want in this latest post, but before you made it sound like it wasn't often enough. Which one is it?

 

[Stretch]

The sincerity and believability of the OP and this thread seems to be reaching it's breaking point

 

[petite]

I agree, with the last two posts I have suspected trollness.

If not, I pity her poor poor husband.

 

[D_Easibye Robinhooded]

Petite-to answer your question.on average three times a week.I am sure that;s not as much as most people on here.But when we are arguing or he says "Bitches be Crazy" week it's more like once a week.Typical make up sex when we say we are sorry to each other and rock out with really good passionate sex that makes you never want to fight again.Maybe I am very hormonal at times i don't know.Seems to happen once a month or so.My life is pretty Vanilla, i am at home all day and don't get out much.Sometimes I think I can dwell or focus too much on this situation that it overtakes me.The biggest thing was that he hid this from me for so long.I know he's given up on me and the sexual part of our marriage.He's not ever going to give up porn and masturbating, I just need something to help me get over it.

 

[Stretch]

Petite...you're very sweet, but I think it's safe to say you can stop trying to give advice here.

 

[D_Easibye Robinhooded]

What is trollness and OP?I won't say anymore.Just wanted to bounce some of my feelings off.Didn't really expect to be called a troll.Thanks for being cruel whoever said that.I was just struggling with some issues and wanted a little support.Won't make that mistake again.My husband makes me feel bad enough, didn't expect compete strangers to do the same.Thank you to the peeps on here who were nice and helpful and offered suggestions.

 

[MrGoodDate]

I wish married couples would talk to one another. Have you two actually sat down and shared each other's needs. Honesty and comnmunication/ dialogue frees us all. You should be asking him these questions. Most people want to talk, given a chance.

 

[dreamer20]

My husband will show me pics sometimes of huge packages and ask if if turns me on or if i am curious to what it would feel like.

I just think porn is dangerous.He..gets frustrated and disappointed with his reality...Extremely hard to video myself and play w myself at the same time..I feel like a sexual failure

I am so preoccupied with the kids, chores, shopping etc. to send him videos...he's told me too many times to send vids or nasty texts and I haven't.He's tired of asking and being disappointed...Sex is usually what he wants and when he wants it.I only can fully satisfy him if he's getting a fantasy story told to him during sex...I think sex in marriage is ONE woman and ONE man.Is that too boring

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_sexual_behaviour


"The whole of one's sexual activities (including erotic dreams and waking sexual fantasies and daydreams) is called one's sex life".

Erotic imagery/ porn is part of your husband's sex life, just as you are. However his sex life is consuming too much of your time and making married life difficult for you. You need time to work as well as play. Use his liking of porn to your advantage ricspiess. Suggest he watches porn as filming yourself is difficult and you need time to maintain your household and children. If he wants videos of you, insist that he film them himself when you have time to do this. He should be mature enough to understand that you are preoccupied with domestic chores when you are unable to send him videos and texts and should bear some of that workload too.

 

[deleted356736]

Viewing porn is normal for men and many women, and fantasising is common for both genders, possibly women more than men. I know my wife, who has a strong Christian background, fantasises a lot. I look at porn myself from time to time, but I'm rare in that I never masturbate, but that's just me.

The only real abnormalilty I can see is not realisting his wife is not into sexy videos and texts, but I think this is mainly a desire to go beyond that which is routine, and also to feel loved and sexually desired.

I think for ricspiess, there are only so many variations of sex that a couple can exercise in their bedroom, in their bed. And to keep sex fresh and alive, we need to go beyond routine sex from time to time. Especially after 10 years! So think beyond the present, and imagine what might be interesting or exciting. And then talk about it before doing it. For example: I know my wife has a submissive personality, so I came up with the idea of role-play, which we both enjoy. Her contribution was outdoor sex; and in the warmer weather we search for interesting places, and I know just the place for tomorrow in fact. Another one from me is playing a game where even if you lose you win, and one from my wife is to go outside her personality type and sexually dominate me. These examples might get ricspiess thinking about what she can do for her husband, given that his requests for videos and texts aren't her style.

One other piece of advice, apart from inserting paragraph breaks, is to lighten up. The 'bitches be crazy week' comment is very, very unhealthy, and this is the sort of thing that can wreck relationships over time. We all have our up and down moments, but that's no excuse to take it out on our partners.

To sum up: I was in the position where I wanted more than routine sex, but my wife rebuffed me many times. I felt burdened, dragged down and smothered. It was rather frustrating, but after some advice I realised what her problem was (her Christian upbringing). We talked the issue through, yet again but with a different perspective, and this time I got a positive response. And, as you can see by my examples, our sex life has a mix of the normal and the exciting. And my wife, the one who resisted for so long, loves those exciting variations more than I do.

 

[Not_Punny]

hsarge-how could you tell I was passive?I totally am when it comes to sex.I love for him to be in control.I love when he wants me.It feels so incredible.Then I know I just am going to be a big disappointment.Weather he says so or not.I can just tell.It's not easy for me to climax for sex alone.I think he gets frustrated by that.I always use my rabbit on myself afterwards while he doses off.I do expect sex to just happen on it's own.I know I need to put in more effort but I want to be the big deal and not second chair.

?? Why doesn't he use the rabbit on you? Does he ever get you off, or can you only get off my yourself? Sounds to me like you're excluding him from your sexuality, but I can't tell if it's because (a) you can ONLY get off by yourself, (b) you don't want him to do "stuff" to you for whatever reason, or (c) he's disinterested in what gets you off.

- - - -

Sounds to me like there are bigger issues here. Have you considered sex counseling for the both of you?

 

[Not_Punny]

Petite...you're very sweet, but I think it's safe to say you can stop trying to give advice here.

Now, now, dahlin' -- play nice. :kiss:

 

[Drifterwood]

Blow his cock the mornings after you haven't had sex the night before. Preferably wearing a nurse's uniform and a big black strap on.

 

[cgoodness]

i'm going to go out on a limb here. i think its possible that over the time in your relationship he has developed a complex. he feels maybe he isn't saticefying you, which by what you said may be true. his suspecions get worse as he tries to spice things up but you show even more lack of interest. my wife and i kind of went thru a simular situation. as everything became routien, life got busyer, stress levels went up, meds made it hard for her to get wet or climax, ect. i started feeling like i couldn't please her. sex for me started becoming more and more of a goal. i took more interest in paying attention to how the women in porns responded during sex. i wondered how i could make my wife respond like them. it became more and more consuming. the more focused on that i became, i think took some connection out of our sex life emotionally. we never really discused it only agknowlaged it and made excuses as it compiled upon itself and became worse and worse. what really sucked is for a while there sex with us became me just sneaking in a quicky here and there because i had given up trying to make it better since she wasn't trying with me(my thoughts). she always said to me don't worry, i'm very happy with it, i don't have to get off everytime, ect. but it never felt right and that recked havik on me which effected the entire relationship.

my advise is to really sit down and discuse these things. it will take several conversations to sort out. its been developing for quite a long time and will take a long time to really fix. its not only your responce and interest, but i'm guessing he needs to do more for you too. tell him you need his interest. take you out away from lifes routiens, kids, house, spend time on your selves dating again. that will excite you. i'm sure you need his attention just as he needs yours, but everything doesnt' have to involve sex. that will come.

something my wife revieled to me as we went thru this is she actually started avoiding flirting and playing out of fear it would lead to sex. it became too big of an issue and we where back peddeling from where we wanted to be without knowing it.

i hope i'm offering you advise that can be useful. it sounds like you too both really care for each other and are both trying regardless of what other peoples opinions are about your involvement. 3 times a week with these issue going on, i think you are doing great. don't worry about his fantacies, its natural and just work on the other stuff and remember communication is top priority to work out and issue in a relationship.

 

[thebeast1]

He watches porn, get over it. Your surfing on a site dedicated to large cocks. I see no difference.

He's screaming to be a cuckold. I think it's about time you go out, find a huge cock man and give your husband what he really wants. Go find a huge cock, have him come home, tie him up and force him to watch you get fucked hard.

Nothing does a guy in better than a little angst and orgasm denial. If your cunning, you can totally bitch whip him, have him pampering you like when you first started dating, and be getting huge dick on the side.

 

[B_curiousme01]

It's natural for sexual desires/needs/fantasies to change over the course of life. Hmmmm... You come here for your fantasies and your husband openly does the same elsewhere? Not only do you love each other, but he has been 100% open and honest with you. I think you're very fortunate. Why not set your mind free and open up a bit to him? Leave your fear and insecurity out of the bedroom and help him with his. He will most likely recpriocate. If it bothers you so very much that he enjoys masturbating (? Everyone does! Why punish him for loving himself?!). Instead consider making it an immediate goal to become an expert at it. I bet he would even teach you. You have the power to have a most loving, successful, and real marriage. Use it wisely.

 

[helgaleena]

Warning sign-- if your husband is making your sex life's shortcomings 'all your fault' and cannot understand how much work it is to care for three small children, he is being selfish.

I am working my way out of a similar situation where my ex became extremely belittling as soon as having children and the hormones from it changed me-- from the more shallow and focused intellectual of courtship with the passionate private side, to the emotional and distracted mother of cubs who could no longer readily explain how I knew what to do.

Do not accept that his expecting you to please him is in any way fair. He needs also to please you, and if he is not willing to allow you to orgasm first before he does, at least occasionally, he is just thinking up more chores for you.

If he truly still desires you, he will enjoy seeing you orgasm with his assistance by hand if not mouth, not jerk off himself just to get sex with you over with! Tell him this. He already knows you are viewing and posting here.

 

[D_Czarova Zucchini]

porn is one thing, pressuring you into cuckholding him by denying you sex and blaming you is something else.

if he wasn't being being such a passive-aggressive manipulative jerk you might be able to open up to some, but it seems like he isn't too interested in what you like.

sounds like you two need some counseling, hubby may be a sex addict.

bottom line though, don't let anyone pressure you into anything that you're not ready for!!!