Hypothetical Question

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by jameshawket, Feb 27, 2012.

  1. jameshawket

    jameshawket Member

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    I probably should just be talking to my boyfriend about all of this, but instead, I'm talking to all of you because I'm too upset to think clearly and I want to poll advice to see if I'm just being selfish or what.

    Say your significant other has been alone all day long while you were at work. The two of you have hardly spoken except for a few scattered texts throughout the day.

    Your significant other lives twenty five minutes away, and woke up feeling horrible and depressed and complained all day about how much he wanted to see you that day.

    Let's, for argument's sake, say that two days previously, this same significant other drove down to see you at ten at night to comfort you because you were having a bad day, when he had work early the following morning.

    What would you do?

    Now, furthering the situation, if you would go home and relax and do nothing, and your significant other sent you a text saying, "Can I have some alone time" what would your response be?

    If you want, you can answer both questions, but I'm curious as to what you would all do, because if I'm the only one who would have driven up to see my significant other immediately after work, then I feel like jackasshole right now.

    Thanks in advance.
     
  2. Sklar

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    A twenty five minute drive, even after a long day at work, isn't all that long. I'd drive and pick up dinner, too.

    If the guy I was dating wanted some alone time, I'd respect that. Everyone needs time by and for themselves.

    Keep this thought in mind, if things are like this now (because from the tone of what you wrote it doesn't sound good) it's going to be like this for the entire relationship.

    To be honest, I'm not sure if you are feeling put out and not getting recognition for the things you've done i.e. going to his place at ten at night when you have to work early the next day or you are at your wits end because this has benn building for awhile.

    The best thing you can do is:

    1) calm down
    2) wait 24 hours
    3) then talk to him

    Hope that helps,


    Sklar
     
  3. D_Bubba_Butter

    D_Bubba_Butter Account Disabled

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    I agree with Sklar: a 25 min drive is nothing & picking up dinner is just sweet. It would be bad if you only thought about it because your SO had done the same for you a few days ago.

    As for alone time. People do just need that sometimes. However, when you say your SO is depressed, do you mean properly (clinically) depressed? If so, giving that time without offering support might fuel the depression. Either way I'd send a couple of supportive texts just saying that if he needs a bit of space, that's ok, but you're there if he wants to talk or wants you to come over, and just asking if he's feeling any better.

    If, however,he doesn't often ask for support & you feel selfish on the back of the texts you sent, perhaps he is feeling neglected. In that case, you may want to think about how often this kind of thing happens & what's going on in your relationship. Is it balanced, or is one of you giving more than the other is prepared to?
     
    #3 D_Bubba_Butter, Feb 27, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2012
  4. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    It doesn't matter what we think here. Why would you feel badly about caring for your SO whatever the outcome? Do what your heart and your intuition tell you. Also it sounds as if you need to communicate with your friend about these issues more regularly until you both come to some understanding. You can't solve relationship problems with a quick fix. It takes time, energy and commitment.
     
  5. D_Upsy_Daisy

    D_Upsy_Daisy Account Disabled

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    He was able to make the 25 minute drive at 10 at night.

    I would have gone and seen him.
     
  6. Arty100

    Arty100 Member

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    Some really good comments here. I guess being in love requires sacrifice sometimes, and it sounds like your heart is nagging at you for not sacrificing your personal time on this occasion. Hopefully, you both can communicate honestly about these past few days, and learn what you want to know. Good luck and best wishes!
     
  7. matelalique

    matelalique Active Member

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    Somewhat related - living in a commune with two other unrelated housemates (B and L), I had a housemate (B) who would attempt suicide periodically (usually medication mixtures that would have been fatal had he not been found, or called for help in time).

    The other housemate (L) felt that he (B) should move out because it would be terrible (for L) to find a body in the house. I helped out L and listened to his problems, and took him to the hospital when he ODed.

    B did invade my life for a while (and was a random housemate, not a boyfriend), and I was forced to decide how much of my life to hand over to him. Supporting someone can be very heavy work, and there is a fine balance between providing appropriate support and being sucked into their vortex.

    With B, it was important for me to accept that if he really wanted to kill himself he was going to do it, and I need to be there to pull him back if he doesn't, and to accept that there was a limit to what I could do.

    So - I would not go over, I would call and have a conversation unless I wanted to. I would be there if I was needed, but I would not establish a precedent that I drop everything and head over at the first sign of trouble, if it appears more may be coming.

    The OPs post suggests a tortured relationship. I hope you find the balance between support and enabling. He also seems circumspect.
     
    #7 matelalique, Feb 28, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2012
  8. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    I would have driven the distance to see him if it was a 2 hour drive.

    I would also have gone even if he'd asked to be alone. I know when I was depressed, I used to say things sometimes that didn't necessarily mean what they seemed to on the surface. Me saying 'I want to be alone' may well have meant 'I don't want you to drive all the way here after to work to see me because I know I'm not worth it and I know you'll hate me forever and think I'm pathetic if I make you drive here to see me'. It also may have just been me being polite (by not asking you to come after work), but inside I'd be thinking 'If you really loved me, you'd come anyway'. Or it could have meant a bunch of other stuff. I may even have really meant that I wanted to be alone.

    So I would have erred on the side of caution - show up, even at the risk of being sent home again two minutes later. Say something like 'I know you said you wanted to be alone, but you seemed so sad today that I just wanted you to know I love you' (or whatever suits your relationship and how you interact with each other).
     
  9. D_Bubba_Butter

    D_Bubba_Butter Account Disabled

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    You're a sweetie... :)
     
  10. Phil Ayesho

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    Sounds rather more like he is complaining about HIS SO not making time for him...

    I can not answer the question because you have given me no idea as to the SO's worklife is like.
    You have also given me no idea about how often the obviously extremely needy side of this relationship is pestering this SO for "support".

    My own reaction is to support my mate... but I know from experience that the 'boy crying wolf' effect is still in force, and if I feel like I am being drained dry to try and support a person who seems to be in perpetual need of reassurance, that, if tasked again with that chore at the end of a grueling day or week, I might well pass on the additional hour's commute, and inevitable whine fest that awaits at the far end.

    Mates certainly have an expectation of mutual support.

    But they have just as much of an expectation of mutual Strength.

    Ask yourself, before answering this question, are you being a boon companion? Or are you being a debbie downer?

    Sure, maybe the no show is just a self centered jerk ( in which case why did you pick them? )
    But Offering your SO nothing but demands and neediness and depression is Just as self centered.


    In short... hard to say who's being the dick... I don't give money to beggars anymore, because they've made a CAREER out of begging.

    Relationship works best when BOTH parties strive to be the safe harbor for their other.
    They fall apart when either one becomes the Storm.
     
  11. molotovmuffin

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    No Phil, he's saying that two days ago, he had a bad day and the bf came to visit. So today when the bf is having a crap day, he told him he needed some time to himself instead of driving to the bf.

    You should have made the drive and had time to yourself on the drive to and from.
     
  12. jameshawket

    jameshawket Member

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    To clarify things, now that a few days have past, a few days ago my boyfriend was having a shit day, so I drove down at 10 at night to see him when I had work the next day.

    The night I posted this I had been having a horrible day, and I had been asking my boyfriend all day if we could see each other. Needless to say, he never did because he had a long day and was feeling tired and wasn't thinking straight.

    We sorted the whole issue out later that night, and he apologized, but basically this is the first time something of this magnitude has happened. Usually he is pretty good at being in tune with what I need, but there are times, like that night where he gets really selfish and does what he wants rather than what I need from him. Not all the time, but every so often.

    More or less the better examples I can give are when he will make a promise to do something, big or small, and he'll end up not completing whatever he said he would do out of either flakeyness or forgetfulness, usually a combination of both, which is something that we talk about each time that happens because when I make promises to him, I pretty much keep them in full and beyond what I promised originally.

    I value commitment, and lack of commitment upsets me, and he unintentionally does stuff like this at times. This was just a night where I really needed to vent because I was so upset that I couldn't speak to him clearly about it until I had time to cool off, since, as mentioned, I drove down late at night to see him just a bit before this incident, and he didn't have the forethought to do the same for me when I had been talking to him all day about it, and when I drove down it was totally my idea without any suggestion from him.
     
  13. D_Bubba_Butter

    D_Bubba_Butter Account Disabled

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    Ah, clever!

    So at first, the SO is actually you... But then, in the second half, are you the one asking for alone time or is he? This is more convoluted than you made out. I'm glad I didn't get personal in my first response!
     
  14. jameshawket

    jameshawket Member

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    I was the one asking for the alone time because I was upset over the fact that he never came down, so more so, I was doing much what subgirrl perfectly said,

    "I would also have gone even if he'd asked to be alone. I know when I was depressed, I used to say things sometimes that didn't necessarily mean what they seemed to on the surface. Me saying 'I want to be alone' may well have meant 'I don't want you to drive all the way here after to work to see me because I know I'm not worth it and I know you'll hate me forever and think I'm pathetic if I make you drive here to see me'. It also may have just been me being polite (by not asking you to come after work), but inside I'd be thinking 'If you really loved me, you'd come anyway'."

    That's more of what I was feeling, that I wanted alone time because I was being moody and I needed time to process what I was thinking and processing before I could talk to him about all of it.
     
  15. ManlyBanisters

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    First rule of a relationship (for me) has become ask for what you need.

    This 'I want some alone time' meaning 'you'd come anyway if you really loved me' is bullshit - it is game playing and you are just lining yourself up for a fall. And what happens if you really do need to be alone and you've 'trained' your boyfriend, through this passive aggressive manipulation, to come over when you've asked to be alone? How's he supposed to tell the difference?

    I'm not saying I don't understand what upset you, I do. I'm saying that next time, if there is one, just tell him straight that you need him to come over. You say you 'complained all day about how much [you] wanted to see [him] that day' - I'd suggest instead of 'complaining' you try something more direct - 'I really want / need to see you tonight - will you please come over after work'. And leave it at that - he either says yes or no and, most importantly, both of you know exactly where you stand. If he says 'I'll see - I might be too tired' then you need to say something like 'I need you to come over whether you're tired or not' and then you still both know where you stand.

    It also sounds like you need to have a chat about these forgotten promises - they clearly bug you. Does he know that?
     
  16. D_Bubba_Butter

    D_Bubba_Butter Account Disabled

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    Ah, bliss...
    If only everyone had the same approach to relationships, life would be so much simpler.


    Unfortunately, most people expect their partners to instinctively know what they need. Awkward buggers.
     
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