I am evidence

[pain4anangel]

I told my momma when it happened. She didn't make me tell anyone else.

I couldn't imagine being made to go through that experience only to have it provide no justice. Sometimes bad decisions are made with the best of intentions.

I told my mom and my dad. They're the ones who swept it under the rug. Confronted my mom a few years back and she said "you seemed like you were fine".

 

[pain4anangel]

I told my mom and my dad. They're the ones who swept it under the rug. Confronted my mom a few years back and she said "you seemed like you were fine".

I just want to say that this can fuck someone up for life. If someone comes to you, even if you have no clue what to do, at least pretend to care and acknowledge their experience and trauma.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I told my mom and my dad. They're the ones who swept it under the rug. Confronted my mom a few years back and she said "you seemed like you were fine".

I'm sorry. That appalling.

 

[LaFemme]

I told my mom and my dad. They're the ones who swept it under the rug. Confronted my mom a few years back and she said "you seemed like you were fine".

I just want to say that this can fuck someone up for life. If someone comes to you, even if you have no clue what to do, at least pretend to care and acknowledge their experience and trauma.

“I believe you” are some of the most powerful words anyone can hear after an assault. You don’t need to hear about next steps, or revenge fantasies, but just someone who listens and believes you without judgement.

I didn’t tell anyone about what happened to me for decades after those three assaults happened. They were all my fault, I felt, otherwise why did it keep happening to me? I drew those things to me. I was at fault. It was only after counseling victims of sexual assault that I really understood that I wasn’t at fault. The only thing wrong with me was that I had never felt empowered, and yes, sometimes predators can smell it. But it is always the perpetrator who makes the decision - never the victim.

No matter what the victim does, if they walk out alive, they did the right thing. Even feeling weak is not the same as being weak.

I believe you.

 

[pain4anangel]

@LaFemme
Thank you *hugs*

It's tough when you tell people and they do believe you, but they down play it like it's just something that happens. Mind you, none of my female peers did that.

I wrote a post on another site about what happened after the last incident. I tried turning to people I thought I could at least open up to. They all happened to be guys. This is what they said:

Reasons #213 & #214 & #215 on why you shouldn't confide in men when you have been sexually violated without your consent by another man:

#213 - "Well, you know my old lady left me right? She's been gone for a month now so I'm single now......"

#214 - "I'm sorry. I can come over and cheer you up. We could hang out and watch Netflix and start things slow. Then if things heat up, you can handcuff me to your bed."

#215 - Telling the victim, when they are apologizing for not being themselves lately and not being necessarily trustworthy as of late, that they have "negative feelings towards life and people" and admonishing them for it​

I came really close to wanting to die after that. It was like being assaulted all over again. I'd like to say maybe I had poor judgement in who I opened up to, but expect more out of humanity.

So if they don't give a shit...why should authorities?

 

[pain4anangel]

https://www.theatlantic.com/nationa...ld-clearing-the-rape-kit-backlog-stop/385943/

I wish I knew why it costs so much to test the kits

 

[Fencepost]

@LaFemme
Thank you *hugs*

It's tough when you tell people and they do believe you, but they down play it like it's just something that happens. Mind you, none of my female peers did that.

I wrote a post on another site about what happened after the last incident. I tried turning to people I thought I could at least open up to. They all happened to be guys. This is what they said:

Reasons #213 & #214 & #215 on why you shouldn't confide in men when you have been sexually violated without your consent by another man:

#213 - "Well, you know my old lady left me right? She's been gone for a month now so I'm single now......"

#214 - "I'm sorry. I can come over and cheer you up. We could hang out and watch Netflix and start things slow. Then if things heat up, you can handcuff me to your bed."

#215 - Telling the victim, when they are apologizing for not being themselves lately and not being necessarily trustworthy as of late, that they have "negative feelings towards life and people" and admonishing them for it​

I came really close to wanting to die after that. It was like being assaulted all over again. I'd like to say maybe I had poor judgement in who I opened up to, but expect more out of humanity.

So if they don't give a shit...why should authorities?

Ma'am, with all respect, compassion and sincerity, I deeply wish you were not subjected to those astoundingly vile male reactions. They are pigs. You have every right to feel what you feel, to weep, to rage, to feel abandoned. You also have the divine right to rise up, to overcome, to heal and to conquer. I will be honored to read of your future success, growth, and strengthening. There really is an excellent future before you, and you have the power to seize it in your own hands. Best regards to you.

 

[LaFemme]

@LaFemme
Thank you *hugs*

It's tough when you tell people and they do believe you, but they down play it like it's just something that happens. Mind you, none of my female peers did that.

I wrote a post on another site about what happened after the last incident. I tried turning to people I thought I could at least open up to. They all happened to be guys. This is what they said:

Reasons #213 & #214 & #215 on why you shouldn't confide in men when you have been sexually violated without your consent by another man:

#213 - "Well, you know my old lady left me right? She's been gone for a month now so I'm single now......"

#214 - "I'm sorry. I can come over and cheer you up. We could hang out and watch Netflix and start things slow. Then if things heat up, you can handcuff me to your bed."

#215 - Telling the victim, when they are apologizing for not being themselves lately and not being necessarily trustworthy as of late, that they have "negative feelings towards life and people" and admonishing them for it​

I came really close to wanting to die after that. It was like being assaulted all over again. I'd like to say maybe I had poor judgement in who I opened up to, but expect more out of humanity.

So if they don't give a shit...why should authorities?

I wish that surprised, but it doesn’t. Again just because you feel vulnerable doesn’t mean you are vulnerable. Sometimes I am so disappointed in my fellow human beings. You deserved better. Still do.

 

[MisterB]

Ya know, I kinda hate that I've clicked the Like button so much on this thread.

In no way am I "Liking" the content of anything you are sharing about your horrific experiences of assault, trauma, being or not being believed, etc. I can't begin to imagine...I can only try and empathize with you. But I can apologize for all the sub-humans you've had to endure at any time during your trauma. I am sorry.

Right now, I need an "I admire the shit out of you for telling your story and being so fucking strong" button. I can only imagine what so many of you have gone through and continue to deal with today.

Oh, my third-grader takes her test Saturday to move to her next level of Karate. She was practicing tonight to YouTube video done by her instructor. She's psyched. But not as much as me. We're going for a black belt, and knowing her, it won't be just the first level either!

One last thing. I believe you. Every one of you. Stay strong!

 

[TexanStar]

HBO did a documentary, “I Am Evidence” on the US backlog of untested rape kits. There are over 200,000 untested kits and the number is rising, with only 8 states with laws addressing the issue.

Several things jumped out at me while watching the documentary that I think affect us internationally. One is that police evaluated cases based on the “righteousness of the victim”. This means was the victim was white, upper/middle class, there was a weapon/violence used and was it a stranger rape. If the victim was of colour, poor, no weapon was used/no evidence of violence, or was familiar with the rapist - little or no investigation done. I see that happen here all the time.

“Not all men are rapists, but those who do, do it again and again.” This statement made me feel guilt for not reporting my assaults. Then again, I fell into that unrighteous victim category. But I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the last victim and I doubt anyone ever reported. And quite right, most men aren’t rapists.

How much courage it takes to report. I didn’t have it. And the women who did, could have saved other women, but the system let them down. Our system of justice just doesn’t get it. Not how rape works, not how victims react, and certainly not how to protect society.

Just finished watching this. It wasn't a pleasant watch, but I'm glad I saw it. I'd never heard of this documentary until you pointed it out, and it was absolutely buried in the on-demand menu (I only found it because I knew what I was looking for, thanks to you).

 

[g0nz0]

I want to echo what MisterB said.

We had a very high profile case recently in Northern Ireland where a girl accused two international rugby players and two other guys of serious assault. Whatever you think about the verdict (the guys got off), the reported details of what the girl allegedly endured were horrific...

Obviously they protected the girl in question's identity, but the trial was all over the news.I though the testimony from the girl was so compelling. She was so strong and together in the witness box, in the face of a barrage of harassment from the four separate defence's councils. They were picking apart her recollections in minute detail as to what happened that night and trying to trip her up. I understand thats how the system works, but I can barely remember what I had for breakfast most days...

Its so wrong that it is up to the women alone to be strong and stand up to this -- wtf is wrong with society that we allow this? All us guys who are boyfriends, brothers, sons, and dads need to do more and we need to be counted too. We need to take responsibility for our kids and explain to them that they need to treat each other with respect, and that this vile lad culture of harassing, forcing or bullying (emotionally or physically) for sex is wrong and is unacceptable.

Consensual sex is a wonderful experience, can't think of anything more wonderful... Rape is a disgusting abhorrent crime. The shame and consequences should fall solely on the perpetrator, and not the victim, but regrettably seldom do...

 

[pain4anangel]

Ma'am, with all respect, compassion and sincerity, I deeply wish you were not subjected to those astoundingly vile male reactions. They are pigs. You have every right to feel what you feel, to weep, to rage, to feel abandoned. You also have the divine right to rise up, to overcome, to heal and to conquer. I will be honored to read of your future success, growth, and strengthening. There really is an excellent future before you, and you have the power to seize it in your own hands. Best regards to you.

I wish that surprised, but it doesn’t. Again just because you feel vulnerable doesn’t mean you are vulnerable. Sometimes I am so disappointed in my fellow human beings. You deserved better. Still do.

I apologize for the delay in response. I had to step away from this thread for a bit.

I don't think "thank you" can adequately convey what those posts, as well as posts by everyone else in this thread, mean to me and I'm sure to the others who have experienced the same/similar.

I've actually been working on a thread (and putting it off) for close to a month now on sexual assault and rape. I should probably finish it soon. It's too easy to get distracted by YouTube or anything else to distract. It's hard to stay focused.

To all of the women and men on here that have been sexually violated, I wish I could take it away. For those that can be strong, please speak up and push for those that might not be able to just yet.

I also want to thank (in some impossible internet vibe gratitude) the partners and support systems I hope each of you have.

To others who may read this, don't discount or hesitate giving supportive comments on the internet. This may sound pathetic to some, that may be the only or majority of a support system some (including me) have.

 

[palakaorion]

I recoil in horror at the harsh reality my beautiful 18 year old niece is stepping into. You ladies and gentlemen have given this old man much to think about as her high school graduation and her gap year of service in another city approach. How do I prepare her? How do I prepare myself?

I also weep in empathy for all you have endured at the hands of others. That's a really shitty way to treat a person. :'(

 

[englad]

@LaFemme @pain4anangel belief is only comforting if it comes with tolerance, compassion and along with appropriate reactions, that properly take the gravity of the situation into account. Unfortunately if you end up receiving nervous laughter accompanying the belief, then a whole barrage of completely irrelevant questions about the attacker's life (as the only focus they seemed to have) , some of which were still coming up years later. Then that can still put you off opening up about it, trying to come to terms with it and encourages you to bury it.

I thought I would post the FBI's new definiton of rape for everyone, I think it is relevant:

The new Summary definition of Rape is: “Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim."

I think sometimes people get into the whole "well at least it wasn't a rape" as a coping strategy for other forms of sexual assault, and a self-defence mechanism. I did exactly the same on that one. But the irony is, based on many definitions of the word (and on the German legal definition, which is similar to the FBI's ), I was wrong on that one.

https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence

 

[englad]

I recoil in horror at the harsh reality my beautiful 18 year old niece is stepping into. You ladies and gentlemen have given this old man much to think about as her high school graduation and her gap year of service in another city approach. How do I prepare her? How do I prepare myself?

I also weep in empathy for all you have endured at the hands of others. That's a really shitty way to treat a person. :'(

The only way you can truly prepare her, is impart your knowledge about the world and encourage her to imbibe that knowledge. Make her clued up on topics like gender conditioning, make her clued up on the cultural influences on modern male sexuality. Tell her the signs to watch out for to pick up creeps, so she can cut them out of her life more easily. Create a space for her that is open and without any judgemental influences too, where she can discuss anything with you. Prepare yourself by learning. Teach her to be confident, and as worldly wise as she can possible be.

Then the other part is teach any young male relatives you have, about the dangers toxic masculinity can pose to them and to others they come into contact with. Teach them to value the importance of being open about their emotions, and how important emotional communication is with their sexual and romantic partners. Then importantly teach them the same things you would teach her, regarding sexual violence, to protect them, so that they also understand that they could be victims of this as well (and likeliest at the hands of another man). If any of them are gay/bi, the latter is even more crucial, due to the risks for that being so greatly increased. Just picked this up off another study from the National Sexual Violence Resource Center:

46.4% lesbians, 74.9% bisexual women and 43.3% heterosexual women reported sexual violence other than rape during their lifetimes, while 40.2% gay men, 47.4% bisexual men and 20.8% heterosexual men reported sexual violence other than rape during their lifetimes. (p)

 

[LaFemme]

I recoil in horror at the harsh reality my beautiful 18 year old niece is stepping into. You ladies and gentlemen have given this old man much to think about as her high school graduation and her gap year of service in another city approach. How do I prepare her? How do I prepare myself?

I also weep in empathy for all you have endured at the hands of others. That's a really shitty way to treat a person. :'(

I don’t know. Open discussion. In many ways, if she hasn’t been prepared already, raised to trust her instincts and protect herself then she’ll have to learn it now.

Most women know to travel in groups, keep one sober friend to watch over everyone. Men laugh at us for doing it, but we do it out of safety. We watch our drinks. That whole Shroedinger’s rapist? We don’t know who is trustworthy until he proves himself so. From the perspective of someone who has been assaulted, I don’t let myself lose control of any situation. I don’t hand out unwavering trust even to authority. Just because some guy is popular or an athlete doesn’t mean he’ll look out for you.

I believe more in teaching our sons not to become abusers. I raised my boys to know the rules about sex. No sleeping with women who were drunk (more than two drinks, if you don’t know how much, don’t do it), no sex with high women, make sure they say ‘yes’ and if they ever say ‘no’ stop. I got pretty graphic, when they were older. I starting teaching them the value of sex, the meaning and closeness a long time ago. They still follow those rules. No hurting women. Period. She hits you, walk away. Run, drive, take a train, plane, whatever, do not retaliate. No hurting women.

I know the fear in sending your female babies out into the world. I taught mine to listen to their instincts. That not everyone is safe even if most people are. I taught them about the abuses out there. It has already saved one of them. The fear is real. Just be there and allow openness and unconditional love between you both.

 

[LaFemme]

A couple of books helped change my life. I learned to feel safer and trust myself more. You might be interested in them. They are older now, but still very relevant.

Gavin DeBecker is a security expert in Los Angeles. He protects celebrities and is an expert on stalking, assault, violence etc.

‘Gift of Fear’ and ‘Protecting the Gift’ are both available on Amazon.

 

[englad]

Most women know to travel in groups, keep one sober friend to watch over everyone. Men laugh at us for doing it, but we do it out of safety. We watch our drinks. That whole Shroedinger’s rapist? We don’t know who is trustworthy until he proves himself so. From the perspective of someone who has been assaulted, I don’t let myself lose control of any situation. I don’t hand out unwavering trust even to authority. Just because some guy is popular or an athlete doesn’t mean he’ll look out for you.

I think there are also some cases, where you can pick up vibes of who in particular needs to be avoided. Little cues on say sociopathic or psychopathic tendencies, compulsive lying, narcisstic traits, just general traits that up the "creep factor". There are sometimes grooming style questions you can pick up on from some potential abusers. But you are right, end of the day discretion and suspicion of the motives of men is healthy for self-protection.

I believe more in teaching our sons not to become abusers. I raised my boys to know the rules about sex. No sleeping with women who were drunk (more than two drinks, if you don’t know how much, don’t do it), no sex with high women, make sure they say ‘yes’ and if they ever say ‘no’ stop. I got pretty graphic, when they were older. I starting teaching them the value of sex, the meaning and closeness a long time ago. They still follow those rules. No hurting women. Period. She hits you, walk away. Run, drive, take a train, plane, whatever, do not retaliate. No hurting women.

This is what I was meaning to get at with my "emotional communication with sexual and/or romantic partners", but you expressed it more eloquently than I did. Explicit sexual consent is key.

I know the fear in sending your female babies out into the world. I taught mine to listen to their instincts. That not everyone is safe even if most people are. I taught them about the abuses out there. It has already saved one of them. The fear is real. Just be there and allow openness and unconditional love between you both.

Teach this to both sexes in my view (this is even more important if a young male relative comes out as LGBT), even though it is sadly much likelier to happen to women in general.

 

[swingfun]

HBO did a documentary, “I Am Evidence” on the US backlog of untested rape kits. There are over 200,000 untested kits and the number is rising, with only 8 states with laws addressing the issue.

Several things jumped out at me while watching the documentary that I think affect us internationally. One is that police evaluated cases based on the “righteousness of the victim”. This means was the victim was white, upper/middle class, there was a weapon/violence used and was it a stranger rape. If the victim was of colour, poor, no weapon was used/no evidence of violence, or was familiar with the rapist - little or no investigation done. I see that happen here all the time.

“Not all men are rapists, but those who do, do it again and again.” This statement made me feel guilt for not reporting my assaults. Then again, I fell into that unrighteous victim category. But I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the last victim and I doubt anyone ever reported. And quite right, most men aren’t rapists.

How much courage it takes to report. I didn’t have it. And the women who did, could have saved other women, but the system let them down. Our system of justice just doesn’t get it. Not how rape works, not how victims react, and certainly not how to protect society.

YOU have a responsibility to report these things when they happen. Not a decade later when you feel "empowered" or think you can turn a buck.

 

[g0nz0]

@swingfun, perhaps you may be missing the point slightly, sir.

Take a look at the coverage of the recent Northern Ireland trial. The girl had the courage and mental fortitude to bring a case. Her testimony was very compelling, her composure very impressive. But she was harassed and berated by the defense counsels. It was almost like she was on trial when in the dock, not the four accused...

It takes a lot of guts and courage to attempt to report this, but you'd be left wondering what's the point as the burden of proof is so high that its unlikely to be reached. The system is not very victim centric in this regards. I'm amazed that any women does, to be honest...

That does not mean that we all don't have a obligation to change society.