I am one insanely frustrated man.

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Claude Hopper, Jan 15, 2006.

  1. D_Claude Hopper

    D_Claude Hopper New Member

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    where do I start?

    OK, I'm a 26 year old guy who has the luxury of having graduated and STAYED in a college town. While I love it here, the grind of the bar scene is starting to kill me. The thing I don't get is this. There are about 40,000 students in this town counting grad students. 28,000 of them are women. The average age of this towns actual residents is less than 33, which means there's just a ton of people in my age group here as well. And for the life of me, I can't seam to start a relationship with anyone.

    The dilemna I have is one of how to solve this. I have a couple of ideas but I want advice.

    First off, I used to be a real dick. a complete and genuine @$$. Got laid all the time....never had shit for good relationships. I reformed after a couple of years here. Thought I needed something more.

    So I gave this try to be a decent guy thing here a crack. Honestly, it hasn't worked worth a shit (pardon my language). Maybe there's some delicate little balance that'll keep me content, but it seams to be a no gray area type of thing.

    I don't really know how to solve this. Am I supposed to got back to being an ass and using that for the relationship can opener, or just ignore the prospect of a relationship all together and just live like I was 21 again, from night to night. The nice guy thing obviously doesn't work for me at all. So It's canned.

    I'm just irked. Maybe the neighbor girl brought it out in me-I'm sure she did actually. Or at least she hit a nerve that needed hitting apparently. So anyhow, I'll quit before this starts to sound like a rant.

    any advice on how to shake a cold spell from hell would be great.

    Thanks guys
     
  2. zaphod

    zaphod New Member

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    Let me guess...Columbia?. I used to live in that area.
    I can't offer any pointers, since I have a familiar problem. I have never been an ass, I have always been a nice guy. I work with a lot of women, and I have a lot of women friends and aquantances, but I have never had any luck finding a girlfriend. I live in a resort-tourist town, with lots of bars, and I go out to bars a bit too frequently, but don't seem to have any luck.
     
  3. D_Claude Hopper

    D_Claude Hopper New Member

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    Yep. It's exciting little Columbia!
     
  4. AlteredEgo

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    Just continue to be true to yourself. Think about what your body language projects. Make sure you appear non-threatening. Be confident. If you don't feel that way, fake it. Eventually you will. Keep being authentic. See, the thing is, you want to end up with the kind of woman who is ready to appreciate a nice man. The kind of women who are drawn to assholes are not mature enough for you (regardless of age). Those women drive me ape-shit bananas because they make it difficult for me to find the nice guys like you. They drive you into hiding behind jerk facades. The reason you are single is that you haven't met anyone who deserves you. Don't give up.
     
  5. D_Claude Hopper

    D_Claude Hopper New Member

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    I think that one other problem is the lack of places to meet people here other than "The Bar" once you're not in school. As for confidence and not coming across as threatening I feel that I do fine. I'm a pretty relaxed individual away from work. Maybe it's that I'm actually LOOKING. That seams to be a pretty common thing: finding what you're looking for when you're not actually looking for it and vice versa.

    the beauty of it all!
     
  6. Dr Rock

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    who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree? Sex
    quit trying so hard
     
  7. B_DoubleMeatWhopper

    B_DoubleMeatWhopper New Member

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    I was actually going to suggest that. Love and romance tend to knock you in the head when you're not looking.
     
  8. madame_zora

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    And sometimes you have to change your mind about what you're looking for.
     
  9. juice

    juice New Member

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    Don't worry about it man.

    Trust me, I'm dating my first "real" girlfriend now and we just sort of bumped into each other. My best friend said that we wouldn't have a chance because we're so different and she wasn't my type and I sure as hell wasn't hers.

    We've been together for over a year now.
     
  10. rob_just_rob

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    Here, too.

    I can seldom strike the right balance between being a "nice guy" (I hate that term) and being, as you put it, a dick. The closest I come to success are those rare occasions when I decide I just don't give a damn, and just do whatever enters my head. Turning the self-censor off, in essence. Women seem to find that kind of behaviour appealing, or exciting, or maybe it just looks like utter confidence.

    This works surprisingly well, but of course, I can't act like that all the time, and the next time she sees me, she's probably wondering who I am. And naturally, when I turn my self-censor off, I often wind up saying and doing things I regret.

    (Sorry, no advice, just commiseration)
     
  11. B_caneadea

    B_caneadea New Member

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    ___________________________________________________
    This is really beautiful advice............
     
  12. naughty

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    Workin' up a good pot of mad!
    John T,

    Have you tried Online dating.? It automatically casts a wider net for you. If you want someone in you area, specify exactly that. Good luck. I know it can be frustrating, but I think you have gotten some very good advice here.

    Naughty
     
  13. GoneA

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    sadly, this is quite true. speaking from experience here.
     
  14. MsLulu

    MsLulu New Member

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    Yeah, you can't force the "I'm going to be nice" thing if you really don't WANT to. It sounds like you're doing it just to get something out of it. Now, don't get me wrong, I suppose there's nothing wrong with that (I mean, self-betterment has to start somewhere.) But, until your motives are a little more pure, you're going to find yourself sorely disappointed over and over again.

    Someone here said "be true to yourself." I agree with that 100%, even if it means you're an asshole deep down inside. You have to evolve on your own terms. And some people stay in a perpetual state of asshole-ness for the rest of their lives.

    That said, it seems the loneliest, saddest and most miserable people in the world are the assholes, so I dunno. :confused:


    If you really want to turn over a new leaf, then do it for yourself, not for some dream-girl that you're still looking for. The moment you realize who you really are and become who you're meant to be, all will fall in place. How do you expect your soulmate to recognize you if you're not the person you need to be? All mystical bullshit aside (because most people don't believe in the concept of a soulmate) forcing something always tends to produce strained results. It has to start with you, no matter the relationship. Change for yourself and you'll be amazed to see what happens next.
     
  15. Matthew

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    You have to be able to be yourself. A relationship with a woman who doesn't care about you for who you really are won't last.
     
  16. D_Claude Hopper

    D_Claude Hopper New Member

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    Wow,

    I never expected so many responses in such a short time. I'd also say that many of them hit the nail on the head. Thank you. I know I have some self improvement to do. I knew it when I asked for advice, but maybe needed to get told to pay a little more attention to what my gut tells me by somebody. i have a way of overlooking the obvious. My intuition rarely lies to me, almost never, but sometimes I ignore it. I know that my intentions aren't always good as well, but I know I'm pretty straightforward about that with people (when it applies). As for trying too hard, I'm probably guilty of that as well, but it's hard to back off of wanting some things.

    In all honesty, i think I'm just going to back off of things for a while and see what happens. While patience isn't really the greatest virtue of mine, i think it is simply time to use it.

    It's also really nice to get input from people outside my group of friends here as well. So thank you . I'll be back, but right now my schools bitter arch rival is in town to try and beat us so I have to go and lose my voice!
     
  17. Matthew

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    Rock chalk Jayhawk! Quin Snyder's a damn dukie.

    Just kidding.
     
  18. MsLulu

    MsLulu New Member

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    It's a good thing to "exercise" your intuition. Just keep listening to your gut. I know your mind can over-rule at times, but it's good you know how powerful a tool it is!

    Well, go easy on yourself. First off, there isn't a person here who has 100% pure intentions. There's also not a single man or woman here who has never done anything assholish in nature. You're a human being. It seems you've already learned the biggest lesson of all, that we're all capable of making mistakes and acting less than honorably at times. We have all been there... done that....

    You will figure it out. You have enough brains to understand what you do to others and how it effects them (i.e. you consider some of your actions hurtful in the past.) That's one lightbulb that never seems to go off in some. You've taken a huge first step. :)

    /hug
     
  19. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

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    Yup. Be yourself. Being a little mysterious is ok at first if you don't want to give up too much. Quit playing the game if you want to quit playing the game.
     
  20. B_Spladle

    B_Spladle New Member

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    Try OKC!

    http://www.okcupid.com
     
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