I am one insanely frustrated man.

[DC_DEEP]

And sometimes you have to change your mind about what you're looking for.

Madame, as always, you got it right. The only thing I would add is this: john_t, are you still looking in the same places for the same kinds of people as when you were still a "not-so-nice" person? If you used to look for tricks in a particular bar, then chances are most anyone you hook up with in that bar is also looking for a trick, not a relationship.

Also, I would be willing to wager that you still look for women with the same look and attitude. Force yourself outside your comfort zone, and you will be amazed what a difference it makes. Ask for a date with a woman who is older, or plumper, or darker, or quieter or more talkative, or wearing a longer dress, than your usual taste. You will most likely discover that when you can get past your old physical attractions, you will find someone with a brain that turns you on more than their body does, and that can be an incredible thing. Best of luck to you in finding what you are looking for.

 

[Dr. Dilznick]

Fuck what you've heard. Bitches don't want the Newton nerd in the sweater vest. They want the Harley-riding, whiskey-swilling wife beater.

 

[madame_zora]

Fuck what you've heard. Bitches don't want the Newton nerd in the sweater vest. They want the Harley-riding, whiskey-swilling wife beater.

Sadly, this is true in the majority of cases.

How ya been baby?

 

[tungugud]

Best advice is what Doc said; Don't try so hard.
You have nothing but good days ahead of you,no stress man!
Remember, the choices you make now,dictate the stress level later.
In other words,
Fuck it,earn money, drink beer and chase women!

 

[D_Martin van Burden]

I think it's hard because you've hit that chronological point in which that whole archetype of college male hard-drinkin', beer-chuggin', dabble in marijuana (or more), frat (or not) mold doesn't fit quite as well as it used to. I was pretty good at the whole one-night-stand thing for a few years, and it just felt like one day I realized that that wasn't really doing much for me. The sex was okay. I didn't really want marriage or anything, but I felt like I should be engaging in higher quality relationships. As of now, I'm still single and trying to start a career. My heart's on hold, but honestly, I have a much different attitude about sleeping around. "Scoring" has fallen considerably down my priorities list.

So, the whole wait-and-see attitude is more our thing, man. It sucks because there isn't any easy way to "Don't try so hard." No offense, Doc, but what the fuck does that mean? What direction does that provide? Where should this cat go to meet available women? The point is, the whole romantic notions of love falling in your lap -- they don't give much in the way of practical advice. You can't do nothing, you know? Even "acting like an asshole" is doing something; you're taking conscious efforts to present yourself in a less-than-approachable way and feigning indifference or lacking concern for what an oncoming women may want out of you.

Easiest thing for me right now is to continue to put out applications, work hard for my tips, and enjoy the free time I have with my friends.

 

[salinger]

You might also want to try new circles. Take a class - like an acting class or something you woudln't normally try. Join a league - softball, volleyball. There are usually options. The problem with college towns is its easy to fall into routine and you're not meeting anyone new.

 

[panthera]

You might also want to try new circles. Take a class - like an acting class or something you woudln't normally try. Join a league - softball, volleyball. There are usually options. The problem with college towns is its easy to fall into routine and you're not meeting anyone new.

This is a common thread in the last few postings, I think there is something to it. Here in Munich we have an enormous amount of well-heeled, "scene-queens". They dominate just about every gay activity, which is why I stay out of the scene. Cuts down on the chances of meeting someone? Nope, nobody there I'd care to know.
My straight male friends all say pretty much the same thing about the women here: Unless you are very tall, very obviously hung, very well-to-do and have the right job (media consultant, young dynamic manager idiot) the women aren't interested.
One reason I decided not to stay at Columbia was the mentality of the folks. Sure, I had the brains and the academic credentials. Yup, I was good-looking enough in those days to fit in, too. But it was all so about "me". You know, the "...well that's enough talk about myself. So, what do you think about me???) idiots.
Go out and meet folks, not with the goal of finding a life partner, but with the goal of meeting some real people. There are a few million of them in your area - just not in the student scene.
And don't go back to being an asshole. The sort of woman (or man) that behaviour attracts will not stand by you when things go bad - and they will, if you live long enough.
When my dad was still dating (he went to Columbia, hence my initial interest), he used to put the girl he was serious about in a situation where she could be nasty or rude to someone without anyone else knowing. If she was (he had payed the person to be her 'victim') then he knew she would treat his future children badly.
He never did find anyone at Columbia...

 

[MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK]

Trying to change who you really are when you either don't want to, aren't ready to, or plain can't is just asking for nothing but but strike outs and defeat. I wouldn't try to change overall, but I would make a concentrated effort to evaluate the pros and cons of your personality and go from there.

 

[reir]

I'm not in school right now, but I do spend quite a bit of my free time in Columbia (I live in Jeff). The people there are highly frustrating to be around. The Columbia college bar crowd sucks. I understand his frustration, as it has been echoed by many of my straight friends going through the same phase in their lives.

My suggestion? Forget relationships, and move to a beach in California somewhere.

Problems solved.

 

[mainer1]

where do I start?

OK, I'm a 26 year old guy who has the luxury of having graduated and STAYED in a college town. While I love it here, the grind of the bar scene is starting to kill me. The thing I don't get is this. There are about 40,000 students in this town counting grad students. 28,000 of them are women. The average age of this towns actual residents is less than 33, which means there's just a ton of people in my age group here as well. And for the life of me, I can't seam to start a relationship with anyone.

The dilemna I have is one of how to solve this. I have a couple of ideas but I want advice.

First off, I used to be a real dick. a complete and genuine @$$. Got laid all the time....never had shit for good relationships. I reformed after a couple of years here. Thought I needed something more.

So I gave this try to be a decent guy thing here a crack. Honestly, it hasn't worked worth a shit (pardon my language). Maybe there's some delicate little balance that'll keep me content, but it seams to be a no gray area type of thing.

I don't really know how to solve this. Am I supposed to got back to being an ass and using that for the relationship can opener, or just ignore the prospect of a relationship all together and just live like I was 21 again, from night to night. The nice guy thing obviously doesn't work for me at all. So It's canned.

I'm just irked. Maybe the neighbor girl brought it out in me-I'm sure she did actually. Or at least she hit a nerve that needed hitting apparently. So anyhow, I'll quit before this starts to sound like a rant.

any advice on how to shake a cold spell from hell would be great.

Thanks guys

man...I'm a mature gay man who has been observing sexy women for years...they are NOT like gay men at all, but I've gotta tell ya...they deny it, but they are turned on by badboys...then marry goodboys...you are obviously in between so they are confused...just ride it out and you will succeed...for sure!!

 

[B_NineInchCock_160IQ]

nothing more to add, except that you are absolutely right in that the assholes get all the girls and nice guys finish last. 100% on the money.

 

[madame_zora]

nothing more to add, except that you are absolutely right in that the assholes get all the girls and nice guys finish last. 100% on the money.

Well, VERY nice guys finish last! :wink:

 

[B_NineInchCock_160IQ]

how dare you break wind before me?

pardon, I didn't know it was your turn :tongue:

 

[SoFla8]

Well, at least you still care enough about it ask for advice, but you dont have much to complain about in my opinion.
I'm 36yo single dad with very little free time to go out at all. I gave up on relationships and sex years ago. It's just not worth the time, energy and risk involved.
Nice guys do finish last. Assholes finish last too. the best advice I've seen so far is to break your routine and do different things. like things you wouldn't normally do...Like volunteer work, Church (there are hotties at my church by the truckload!), or a night-school course. Change begets change. Good luck!

 

[D_Claude Hopper]

I think I finally figured myself out after last night. I don't think I want to go into the details of what transpired, but the basic and simple thing i learned about myself is that I use the nice guy/ bad guy thing as a damn cop-out. I finally pieced it together today (during a mind wandering moment on the job), that I use the nice guy thing on girls that don't want it, and the bad guy thing on girls that don't want that.

Why?

I'm a chickenshit so f'ing scared of commitment that I'll do almost anything to ensure no chance of it. I'm surprised it took me this long to piece it together. Even more amusing is that I've probably been doing this so long that it's ingrained in my subconscience. And it pisses me off.

I don't know what caused it. I just know it's very very real. Another shit kicker of a thing is that now that I figured this nuance of mine out, it feels like I've always done it on purpose. That makes it sting more.

I really don't know how to react to my epipheny at the moment, but I'll figure it out.

The conversation went like this:

lots of talking......

her: You're a tease.

me: No, I'm really something much worse, but I can't put my finger on it.

and I immediately knew that what I'd said was true. It just took all day pondering that 5 seconds of conversation last night to find my answer.

I guess now that i'm aware of this, I can do something about it, but it's not a simple thing to break ingrained traits. Harder I think than even habits like smoking. Anybody have any comments or suggestions?

 

[Matthew]

First of all, congratulations on getting to this realization! Some people spend their whole lives without getting as far as you have.

Secondly, fear of commitment and the sabotage of relationships that result from it are pretty common problems, especially among guys. So I certainly don't thinking beating yourself up about your old behavior patterns will help much.

It's hard to say what kinds of subconscious stuff you'll need to change to get past this. For some people, fear of commitment comes from a lack of self-esteem and the underlying belief that they're unworthy of a good, healthy relationship. But who knows if that's true for you? While there are a lot of wise folks on this site, to get to the bottom of this behavior pattern and change it (as you said it could be a hard habit to break) will probably take an ongoing focus on your part, best done with a therapist. In your shoes, that's where I'd go.

 

[D_Claude Hopper]

I'm not sure a therapist is a good outlet for me. I actually spent most of this evening with the girl involved in this and she gets it. Perhaps as much as I do now. I'm thankful she understands. It probably could have turned out ugly. In all honesty, just being aware of this quite apparent problem (which it is) that I have, is enough to get me to deal with it on very solid grounds. I know that it isn't an overnight fix for me. And no I'm not going to be too harsh on myself for this whole thing. I realize that the way I chose to behave isn't entirely my fault, but that only I have the ability and power to change how I do things. In that regard, I'd say I'll be a lot better man a few weeks from now ( I realise learned behaviors take time to change). I really don't think I can go back to how I was EVER either. Now that i know how my actions probably and did impact other people, I just can't look at things in the same way.

It is kind'of funny how a single post about how I was frustrated by what I thought was in front of me could have led to this. But it did. And I am Thankful.


Thanks,