I can't make him cum from foreplay...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by rtg, Jan 24, 2012.

  1. rtg

    rtg
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    So my bf and I have known eachother for probably 4 or 5 months. We've been officially together for only a few weeks tho, and so have only started having sex in that time.

    I have no problem making him cum during sex, but I have no success during foreplay... e.g. from a bj, handjob, even when I masturbate in front of him. He won't masturbate in front of me either cos he's too shy about it still...

    I think he just gets a bit of stage fright...but it makes me feel like shit and like he's not attracted enough to me. I know he really likes me and he tells me I'm sexy, but I believe that actions speak louder than words.

    I just don't understand how he can cum in 5 mins by watching chicks masturbate in porn, yet I'm right there doing in front of him...and it doesn't do anything for him...

    I know I prob just need to be patient, but it's not one of my good traits lol.

    Does anyone have any advice or stories where they have been in similar situations?
     
  2. davidjh7

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    First of all, don't take it personally---he isn't comfortable masturbating in front of you. He may have some kinds of issues from his younger years regarding masturbation always being a private thing. Talk with him about it outside the bedroom. Tell him what you are thinking and feeling, and how it makes you feel. Then LISTEN to him as to why he is uncomfortable. It may take time for him to open up about it. It's too bad he doesn't feel comfortable masturbating in front of you--watching a guy jack off and studying his techniques can do more than anything else to teach you how he likes being stimulated. Most of all, lighten up. The more you pressure him, the worse he is going to feel. Pressure like this can lead to temporary impotence. Take it slow---try and bring conversation into the act. Stroke him, and ask him if he likes it faster, or slower. If he likes a tight squeeze, or light touch. If he likes lots of head stimulation, or hardly any. If he likes his balls played with, or left alone. Every guy is different, which is why communication is so important. If you are stroking him, and you ask the questions--make it as fun as possible--he may be more likely to give you some clues. Tell him your goal is to give him pleasure, and you need his help to get there. Guys like giving help and advice :) In that situation he may be more willing to give you feedback. Once you learn how he likes to be stimulated, then those same things can translate on to orthir things as well, like bj's. As far as why porn works, porn is impersonal, and total image. He has no ties or obligations to porn. There is no emotion. It has no stress. He cares about you, and has an emotional connection, and you are real--that means a higher level of emotion, and pressure in many cases. Don't take it personally, because he isn't intending it to be personal, or an afront to you or your looks. If he didn't like how you looked, he wouldn;t be having sex with you, period. That's about all I can offer for now. Good Luck!
     
  3. rtg

    rtg
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    Wow, thanks so much for your advice! You're right...and I should prob just chill out a bit. It's so easy to think it's something that I'm doing wrong...but he probably feels pressured to perform too since he knows it's made me a lil upset a couple of times lol. I'll just be patient and wait til he's ready...and will take your advice about easing into it. :)
     
  4. SoloAqui

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    Great advice davidjh7!

    Rtg I agree with david.
    Take the time to chat with him in the bed room and out of it about the things occurring within it. It has helped me in the evolution of my relationship.
    Good luck.
     
  5. Mr.caramel

    Mr.caramel Member

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    lots of men become desensitized because of porn. that may be why porn works but real life situation becomes difficult.
     
  6. MickeyLee

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    why is it important for him to cum during/from foreplay?

    heaps of women admit to not having/wanting an orgasm during sex. the enjoyment/pleasure they get is from the act/experience on its ownsome. *Ms. Dolfette enjoys having a convincing faked orgasm*

    if the boy is enjoying himself/ya attention leave it be.
    orgasm as proof of interest is kinda a selfish thing... and is about you, not him.
     
  7. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    An ex of mine never once came from foreplay in the 4 years I was with him. Actually, he rarely came from sex (4 or 5 times in four years). And he didn't like bjs.

    Logically, I knew it wasn't specific to me. It was just the way he was and didn't mean that I wasn't doing a good job or that I was utterly worthless. But that's still the way I felt. Was it selfish of me? Maybe. Although I believe it would be a challenge for most people to stay positive in the face of a total lack of evidence of enjoyment.

    For us, this was an issue that was never resolved, so I have no advice for you rtg, I just wanted to let you know you weren't alone.

    I hope you guys can find your way through it positively.
     
  8. Ldnn

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    David's response makes sense. Relax, he obviously likes you, and stop getting upset about it, it just increases the pressure on him to "perform" when he isn't performing. Sometimes male sexuality seems to be thought of a binary thing, either he's "turned on" or "turned off" by something, rather primitive unfortunately, but that's social conditioning for you. Indeed nobody seems to be saying it's a "total lack of evidence of enjoyment", it's simply the coup-de-grace in certain situations.
     
  9. rtg

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    Because I really just want to make him feel good. I think it's more an issue of wanting to make him feel good than making myself proud for making him cum...I know that orgasms feel different from foreplay and sex and I'd like to give him every possible orgasm that he could have.
    I never know if he is enjoying himself cos he doesn't even make any noise lol but when I ask him if it feels good I think he feels pressured....but I'm really just asking if there's anything I could do better.

    Thanks heaps for your response, subgirl. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who has experienced this...though I'm sorry that the issue remained unresolved for you. I'm just going to try and not commit to any prolonged foreplay for awhile I think lol.
     
  10. Thirdlegproduction

    Thirdlegproduction Formerly WhiteMonst3r
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    I don't cum from foreplay either, but in my case I need a bit more agressiveness.
    For handjobs well most women lack the strength to keep it up for 10 minutes in the way I prefer it and blowjobs I will never cum unless I take the lead.

    I enjoy the fact, as the girl will try to work even harder but actually you shouldnt worry, it's called foreee play for a reason.
     
  11. rtg

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    Haha interesting, but makes sense. If only we could rationalise this in our heads tho lol. I think it's cos a lot of women love foreplay so much...and a lot of us cum more often from foreplay than from sex, that we expect the same from our men. Maybe? lol.
     
  12. dolfette

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    i'm going to sound harsh here, but give the guy a fucking break!

    why should he have to prove he's into you by spunking on demand? quit turning your own insecurities into his problem. if your insecure nature causes you discomfort then fix yourself.

    men aren't robots. just like women, some find it easier to cum from one activity than they do others. sometimes they can't cum at all. sometimes they can't even get erect. that's life!

    do you only feel good when you orgasm? i enjoy having my nipples sucked but i don't orgasm from it. why do you think it only feels good to him if he has an orgasm?

    pardon my crankiness but it pisses me off big time when people make an issue out of things that really aren't. if he picks up on your feelings of disappointment, how is that going to make him feel?
     
  13. dolfette

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    oh, yeah, my constructive advice...

    be completely casual about the whole not spunking issue. make him feel like everything he does or doesn't do (unless he's doing shit you hate) is absolutely fine. take away any pressure to perform, blow him because you want to blow him and not because you want an ego pat, watch his reactions for what feels good.

    in time he may cum, he may not cum, who can say? but he's a hell of a lot more likely to relax into it if you can stop angsting and relax into it too.

    and that's the best advice you'll get!
     
  14. 1kmb1

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    i dont cum from foreplay either. and why would a guy masturbate when there is a woman willing to have sex with him... in the same room?! thats like you offering him a blowjob and instead he goes to the kitchen and sticks his dick in a blender. (okay not exactly, but thats the example im going with)

    porn isnt a "omg so good i only lasted 5 minutes" situation, its a "get it done, i got other shit to do" type of situation.

    you definitely dont want your sex life to be like that lol
     
  15. D_Jerk_Douglas

    D_Jerk_Douglas New Member

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    He might not be comfortable/confident. But if he can cum that quick from porn, you should talk with him about how you could suck him more to his liking and what feels good for him.
     
  16. D_Ebensneezer_Spooge

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  17. tgirlsrgreat

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    practice practice practice

    all kidding aside, i had a fantastic girlfriend that when she had her period, she did not particularly like to have vaginal sex (i was okay with it, but her call totally) on those days she would declare them me days, meaning i still got to cum, but it would be by some other means than vaginal sex. it set up a whole different mood and atmosphere and took away any expectations of bumping or traditional parts. she was a really good cocksucker too!!!:naughty::dance::boobies2::069::bj::adam4::dance:

    reminds me of the comedian who says "just because the ferris wheel is broken, the whole amusement park doesn't shut down!"
     
    #17 tgirlsrgreat, Jan 25, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2012
  18. rtg

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    Well I'm sorry that I can't be as secure as you, dolfette.
    Thanks for your constructive criticism.
     
  19. dolfette

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    reverse the roles.
    say it was a man making a thread about how his gf only came from penetration, not from oral or fingering, and tell me what your response would be. i'm guessing you would tell him that all women are different, we all get off from different things, that it's not a measure of her desire for him and that the pressure will make it harder for her.
    it's a huge double standard that our society perpetuates, that men should be like sexbots.

    ps. get in touch with your inner cunt! if you want to call me a bitch then just call me a bitch. it's not the end of the world if you do.

    pps. i'm right though.
     
    #19 dolfette, Jan 25, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2012
  20. MickeyLee

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    ya don't have be secure, ya just need to be aware of your insecurities.
    knowing what's his issue, what's your issue.

    this one is your issue.
    ya got to figure out how to deal with ya feelings.
     
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