I can't quit him

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by B_thickjohnny, Jun 29, 2011.

  1. B_thickjohnny

    B_thickjohnny New Member

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    I broke up with my bf of 4 years one year ago last month. I caught him serial cheating - he was away for a weekend with some guy when I caught on. I found all sorts of apparent hook emails at the same time and prompted me to kick him out. Unfortunately, he worked for me and because of his outstanding performance I could not fire him. It would have been disastrous. We continued working together and seeing each other almost daily. I took a month off to go to the US and he followed me claiming he thought it would help us get back to where we started. But while he was there, with me in the US, HE BOUGHT THE GUY HE WAS WITH THINGS THE GUY ASKED FOR! I caught him lying about it. We continued working together despite my knowing I should have ended everything and took whatever hits I had coming to me, work-wise.

    My small company got picked up by a larger company and I went on as co-manager. Ex came along and was working for me and got me so aggravated and disturbed I quit. He's now got my old job. Good for him.

    The problem is that (1) I feel like the only way to get away from him is to move back to the US. (2) I feel so dependent on him because while we were together he took care of everything, in personal life and at the office. He's OCD so everything was so totally organized only he knew where things were etc. Today, even thinking about moving, I feel like I'll need him to help me transition to the US - closing accounts, selling my car, renting my condo here, etc. Am I crazy? I feel like I'm am. I've given so much power over to him that now I don't know how to get it back - to take control again.

    I'm going to see a shrink tomorrow and I hope and pray that she can help me. Your thoughts are appreciated too.
     
  2. earllogjam

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    Man-up, get your shit together, and do what you need to do.

    You aren't dependent on anyone if you don't choose to be. It's your choice. Just take it one step at a time so it's not so overwhelming. Talking to friends as a reality check will help so you don't make things more difficult for yourself than they really are in your head. They will also help you get out of yourself so you don't dwell incessantly on the break up and your misery.

    I think you made the right decision to leave your cheating partner. Not being able to trust your partner is a death wedge.

    It doesn't sound like you are an incompetent dolt being the head of a company that was purchased. If you have a good head on your shoulders but don't know how to go about moving to the US, you'll figure it out. It may just take more time and you may make mistakes but that sure beats being with a cheating spouse.

    Just be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to make mistakes and give time to get over the break-up. You're the only you you've got. And no, you aren't crazy. Lots of us have gone through a difficult break up, so I feel for you, so do many others on this site I bet.

    Big Hug to you. Keep up posted. Positive energy your way!
     
    #2 earllogjam, Jun 29, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2011
  3. XSILVER

    XSILVER Well-Known Member

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    I couldn't agree with you more. You need to do whats best for you. And all the other stuff will come in time. You will learn to get shit done the way that works best for you.
     
  4. D_William Fuckner

    D_William Fuckner New Member

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    it's really hard, but don't be such a pussy. As the first poster said, man-up. EVERYONE has an incredibly hard time with this when they are in your situation. Just know that it's something that you have to do that will be exceedingly difficult. Good luck
     
  5. B_thickjohnny

    B_thickjohnny New Member

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    Thanks for the "tough love" guys. I wasn't expecting man up and don't be a pussy but I guess that's what it boils down too. I know in my gut that this is what I need to do... one step at a time.
     
  6. spoon

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    i can relate to a motherfucker of an ex. working on my self esteem with a therapist. i am going thru having an ex that is a big time user. this has happened in the last year. i had an issue w/him yesterday, i am going to try to find out if i can block his phone calls. i feel like i've been kicked in the gut, and, stabbed in the heart.

    you need (in my opinion) to start working on your self esteem.
     
  7. D_John Handcock

    D_John Handcock Account Disabled

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    You need to take care of #1, #2, #3 first... that's you brother! - Say this and mean it - I AM a strong man! I AM Independent! I AM in complete control of my life! and to him say I AM myself and don't need YOU! Best wishes
     
  8. DV8

    DV8
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    Hell yeah, man! Preach!

    To the original poster, I'm so sorry that this happened to you, I really am. Since I was a teenager(now, I'm 26), I've learned that you have to make very important choices in life, especially when it comes to people. They say you can't put a price on people, but I always do. I view people as financial investments. Would you continue to invest time and money in an investment that is just eating up your resources, isn't very dependable, and you're not seeing any pay off?

    You have to make a choice, it's either you or him. And believe me, it sounds like he's chosen to do what he feels is best for him time and time again. It sounds like you had a pretty good job and you have an awesome head on your shoulders. You've thought so low of yourself so many times in the past that he's taken everything he's wanted, and you've just sat there and allowed it. The kicker for me was the part where you told us that he now has your old position. After being with him for 4 years, I'm sure you've learned a few things about being organized, so try to give yourself more credit. Because you originally did what's right for you. And it sounds like he needs you a lot more than you need him. And you're not the only one! A lot of people seem to think that mistake. So make the choice, you or him?

    P.S. No man trouble is worth taking financial hits and leaving a country over. Remember the pain that he's caused, and all of the lies he's told you. I could understand if he cheated once, and you were trying to stick to your stance, but serial cheating? Hell to the no! That's a lying, cheating asshole right there, and you never give them the satisfaction.
     
  9. spoon

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    and, you are not going to feel better in a day. it takes time to work thru this.
     
  10. B_thickjohnny

    B_thickjohnny New Member

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    Thanks again everyone. The moving back to the States is more than "him". I owned a small real estate company here which was very successful. When I moved over to the larger company he was part of the package. He was just too much for me. He'd yell at me for doing things other than the way HE thought it should be done. I told him time and again not to come into my office talking to me like I was his BF and could get away with it. But the problem was that the owner of the company knew him (and our past) and insisted that he stay. He was working under me and got two people fired - because he took their jobs from them claiming he could do a better job. Now he's the boss but all alone doing everyone's job and complaining to me that he wants to come work with me again and even said he wants to come with me to the US. Jesus!

    Thanks again for all the support.
     
  11. helgaleena

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    You can do it Johnny. Some of us are hardwired from infancy to fall into patterns, and they even can be detected by medical palmistry. I just discovered for example that I am hard-wired to be susceptible to senile dementia, like my grandma and great grandma. But you can choose to live to the fullest on this day, which is today.

    Like Terry Pratchett I am not giving up my brain just yet. And you can choose not to live out of old habit and shift for yourself, even if it is only until you find a new and benevolent substitute parent. (pssst---I found out I am also 'hard-wired' for daddy complex, and it explains far too much about my history)
     
  12. Sklar

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    That, right there, is the best revenge. He conned his way into a job he thought he could do better than anyone else, got more qualified people fired and now can't handle it and wants you to not only take him back but he wants to work with you, too.

    Look him directly in the eyes and tell him: "Go to Hell and live with the mess you made. I don't need you. I don't want you and I could care less about you."

    Sklar
     
  13. helgaleena

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    What Sklar said! ^
     
  14. DV8

    DV8
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    Sklar just turned me on.
     
  15. NCbear

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    Two things:

    (1) Regarding the self-esteem, don't stay with someone who makes a habit of making you feel like shit under their shoe. And when you leave them, make sure you know how to say "NO!" loudly and emphatically when they try to get you back under their thumb.

    Come back to a centered, balanced understanding of who you are and what you can feel good about being and doing. Remember the scene in The Incredibles when Edna Mode slaps Elastigirl with a rolled-up newspaper and says "remember that you are ELASTIGIRL"?? Find a way to slap yourself with a rolled-up newspaper and remind yourself that you are the former head of a company that was just bought by another (a respectable exit strategy).

    (2) Regarding wondering whether you can do all of the organizational and administrative things without him, why, HELL yes, of course you can. Maybe not as fast as His OCD-ness could have, but you can. All it takes is persistence--which I'm sure you have, if you were the head of a company.

    Lots of people are caught when their spouse dies or leaves--or when they kick their spouse out of the house--feeling like they don't know what they'll do without their spouse. Who'll balance the checkbook? Who'll earn the household income? Who'll take out the trash? Who'll clean the toilet and bathtub every weekend?

    Why . . . you will. Because you're the only one there. And you'll do a great job. Maybe not the same way it was done before, but you'll find a way to do it. All of it.

    So man up, but also chin up. You'll get through this. Just allow yourself the ability to make mistakes and the time to grieve, and you'll be fine.

    NCbear (who was in a similar situation once, and survived :smile:)
     
  16. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    For some reason there are a lot of people on this website recently that are obsessed with "being a man"! As in, don't be a pussy. If you were a woman, no one would say "man up"!

    Just realize your limitations and ask for help from employees or family members. It sounds to me that you're overwhelmed by everything that's happening. Yes, take care of yourself, but also set some modest priorities for yourself. You don't have to do everything all at once. Mix your work with time to relax and enjoy yourself. :smile:
     
  17. helgaleena

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    Wise NCbear. :love:
     
  18. D_Harry_Crax

    D_Harry_Crax Account Disabled

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    Didn't I read this entire story somewhere else on LPSG, and days or even weeks ago, not just 9 hours ago?
     
  19. helgaleena

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    Johnny's posted about his same issue before, yes. Not this identical thread. We are here for support :grouphug:
     
  20. B_thickjohnny

    B_thickjohnny New Member

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    Helgaleena is right. I posted immediately after the break up. Now, a year later, it still haunts me. Sorry for dredging it up - and thanks Helga for your support. NCBear is a smart bear indeed. I am copying his post and printing it. It's worth the re-read every day.
     
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