i don't know what to say to her anymore.

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by sometimesomewhere, Jul 18, 2006.

  1. sometimesomewhere

    sometimesomewhere New Member

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    hello.

    i put this post here because i'm having a problem with my wife.

    it's got nothing to do with me or my penis... but has everything to do with her being overweight and not happy with it. she has a very low self opinion and her being big doesn't help. me, i don't mind it. in fact, i like a bigger girl. i'm sure i'd love my wife and find her attractive even if she was 400 lbs, and she's no where near that now. i try and try to tell her that she's sexy and make her feel good about herself, but it doesn't do it. i'm running out of ideas. and she hates how i love her curves, she calls them "gross." lately, she's been wanting to start riding a bike around to help her shed some whieght (she says 100 lbs, which would put her at 120 i think, but she's five foot ten and i think that's not a healthy weight for that hieght anyway.)

    while i'm supportive in her drive to get thinner, i'm also gonna miss the extra curves. i'm conflicted, and i don't know how to make her feel good about her self the way she is. maybe i should help her try and lose wieght? i built a bicycle for her, and all it needs is a few more parts and it's done. so that's not far off.

    i don't know what to do.

    "help her get comfortable in her own skin" or "help her look the way everyone else wants her to look"

    okay ... have at it.
     
  2. ETA123

    ETA123 Member

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    It can be tough. I'm in a similar situation with my girlfriend, but it diverges into even more territory with her being unhappy with her career, unhappy with her living situation, unhappy with her body (thinking she's fat, but in reality, she's no more than 15-20 pounds overweight which I would hardly call fat).

    I'm kind of trying to help her in both ways. First, I try to help her feel better about herself. I know that it's not always helpful when someone has self-esteem issues, but I do try to help her in that regard by building her up and complimenting her when appropriate (I try not to do it too repetitively and often because she then thinks I'm doing it just to make her feel better).

    Then, I offer to help her accomplish her goals (whether it's weight loss or finding a new career). I think she could change careers without too much difficulty, but it would require effort that she's not putting forth yet. I KNOW she could lose weight if she made an effort, and I'm trying to help her with that as well (by trying to help her eat healthier, exercise more, etc.)

    I personally think (in my situation) that she's worth the effort to help her become more happy and comfortable with herself because when things are good between us, they're VERY good. So, I hang in there, even when she's really down.

    I realized long ago that (and this applies to men as well as women) if someone isn't happy with themselves, they tend to find it hard (if not impossible) to accept someone else being happy with them. If a woman thinks she's fat, telling her that you don't see it that way will rarely, if ever, convince them. The issue goes deeper than that, because what is and is not "fat" has been programmed into them since infancy.

    I probably went well away from the type of answer you were looking for, but since it was fairly close to my own situation, it gave me an opportunity to vent my spleen :).
     
  3. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

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    Id say most women have issues with their weight including the 'perfect' ones and it is a HUGE influence on how we fell sexually..sad but true.

    Tell your wife you love her curves and find the very sexy, and that you would rather have her looking and feeling like a woman should and not skin and bone, but that is she would feel better about herself if she lost the weight that you will help her however you can because you want her to be happy in herself.


    Dont us the word voluptous, in a womans world it means big and large (fat):wink:
     
  4. Lordpendragon

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    If she's not happy being fat, you should help her get thinner. If she is the same age as you, it isn't healthy to be say 50/60 lbs overweight and can lead to all sorts of health problems.

    You should make lifestyle changes and stick to them, including exercise and equally as important, diet. Sensible balanced diet, no junk processed foods and drinks, and regular exercise.

    Women who are happy with their bodies are so much more fun in bed - if she gets fit, you'd better do so too :smile:

    Good Luck.
     
  5. dongalong

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    This may not be the first thing that comes to mind, but you could help her with:

    ORGASMASISE

    Check out this link - http://www.c4vct.com/kym/humor/csex.htm

    It may not be the fastest way of loosing weight but it will take her mind off things and bring you closer together.
     
  6. DC_DEEP

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    Some men like voluptuous women, most women have body dysmorphic disorder. Sounds like even if she lost down to 70 pounds, she would still think she was fat. I suggest a compromise: you go biking together, if she will agree to some joint counselling. If she will not agree, go biking with her, and go to a counsellor by yourself to help you understand her thought process, and help you understand how to deal with it.

    If she is suffering from a self-image/self-esteem issue, exercise by itself will do little to help the problem, and may even make it worse. A professional could help her understand how you still find her attractive, and at the same time, help you understand why she finds herself unattractive. If you can possibly make it work, the exercise and counselling combo would be the most successful way to handle the situation. Best of luck to you, keep us informed.
     
  7. ETA123

    ETA123 Member

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    Well said DC_DEEP. I sometimes hesitate to suggest the counselling route because so many people are resistant to it, and I really hate to sidetrack the debate into the merits of counselling and the mental health profession in general.
     
  8. DC_DEEP

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    Actually, I'm one of those distrustful of the mental health profession - in general. However, a well-trained counsellor can help individuals understand some things, and can train couples or individuals to think logically and sequentially. Learning how to communicate, rather than talking at, is an incredibly valuable skill. Thanks, ETA.
     
  9. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Sadly, I know a few girls like this as well.... No matter how many compliments you give, they still want to be smaller. I suggest you play the role of the supporting husband, and praise her for losing the weight, but at the same time, make sure she knows just how beautiful she is to you.. the 400 lbs line is quite attractive:tongue:

    Other than that, if her mind is set on it, she is on a rough road.. and there is always disapointments. So just stick with her... things will work out.. perhaps she will loose 40lbs, and like what she sees.
     
  10. AlteredEgo

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    Two reasons why you MUST support her desire to lose weight. MUST. She will not feel any better until she does. Being overweight is not healthy, especially if the waist to hip ratio is low. (Meaning that her hips are not much bigger than her waist measurement. Sometimes, this is masked by large breasts and fashion sense. In most of my clothes, it looks like I have a decent hip-to-waist ratio, just not huge hips. However, My hips are actually only 3 inches bigger around than my waist. As I continue to lose weight, my hips will get maybe another two or three inches smaller, but my waist will get 8 or 9 inches smaller. This is just how my fat distributes. How does hers distribute?)

    If she wants to get a bike, help her get a bike, and encourage her to join a bike club, since planned outings in large groups is safer than riding around alone. Take her to weight watchers, where councelors will discourage her notion of losing 100 pounds. I have very small bone structure, but at 5'8", I have been told not to try to get below 140 without double-checking with my physician once I get that low. Let her know that: I'm two inches shorter, muscular, very busty, no hips or ass whatsoever. That is my body type. I'm to talk to a doctor before going below 140. I'll let her know if I need to: That's 23 pounds away. It doesn't look to me from here that I'll want to. People are already suggesting I stop losing weight, but those people never see me naked. Anyway, weight watchers will recomend healthy goals, and teach healthy attitudes and stragies when dealing with food and excercise.

    I have lost 45 pounds. I lost a bunch of it with weightwatchers, and I still use techniques I learnd there. In warm and hot weather, I abandon my car. I walk everywhere within 2 miles. I run half an hour whenevr I can. I take kung Fu. (I can't handle Kung Fu in my un-airconditioned school right now.) I belly dance. I just started a grappling class. I found a cycling club and plan to join, and I'm trying to get my friends to take rock climbing lessons with me. I just try to make activity fun, and so I get excercise just by being alive. I wear a pedometer, and make sure my non-workout steps total 10,000 daily. If they don't, my neighbor and I go for a little after-dinner or late-night stroll. If he's unavailable, or weather does not permit, I use a walking video I got from weight watchers. My neighbors mother lost 140 pounds with that same walking video. I swear it's just walking!

    It's going to take two things: better food choices (but not "a diet") and moving more to reach her goals. But her goals should be realistic and healthy. If she cannot be reasoned with about her drive to be 120, and she really doesn't have the build to be 120 (ie, very small boned, not muscular, small breasted, and small hips and behind- "boyish") get a councelor or physician involved for her sake. It may be some kind of mental illness, like dysmorphia or something related. Good luck.
     
  11. rhino_horn

    rhino_horn New Member

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    if she thinks her body is gross, she's not gonna be happy until she gets what she wants. help her lose the weight, join her in her exercise routines, start eating the healthy crap she eats, help her get things moving and keep them moving, lose the weight with her. the biggest problem ive seen in people with low self esteem is that they usually wind up dragging-ass and quitting, which will only make her feel worse about herself. help her make it happen.

    she's 5'10", thats pretty tall for a woman and 120lbs is a very decent weight for that height...it sounds good; she should still have some junk for you to play with.

    helping her accomplish this goal should make her feel better about herself too.:smile:

    -good luck!
     
  12. wonderland

    wonderland Member

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    Being overweight myself I think I have I perspective most people don't. I think the problem is mostly her self esteem. Which has lead to her weight gain. It is a vicious cycle, low self esteem leads to weight gain which makes self esteem worse. You can be supportive and encouraging but she has to figure it out for herself. If she hates the curves so much don't comment on how you like them. You would think that would make her feel better about herself but it may just be making her think about it more. Tell her you love her and you will support her anyway she wants you too. As hard as it can be at times to lose weight the hardest part is making a committment to doing it. And if all she does it talk about how fat she is than she isn't ready to do the work she has to do to take it off.
    Her goals are not even realistic. A healthy weight for a woman of that weight is 140 lbs minimum.
     
  13. Pirate Wench

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    You're right.....

    120 goal is Way Too Low for a woman who is 5' 10".
     
  14. sometimesomewhere

    sometimesomewhere New Member

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    yeah, you seem to have a handle on this pretty well, and i wish i could get through to her on how unrealistic she is about how she wants to be rail-thin.

    maybe i shouldn't praise her curves, but seriously, i get super turned on by her body. it pains me to see them go.

    what everyone here says is true, and i am suportive in my wife's want to lose wieght, i've built her a bike and it's nearly ready to go like i said. we eat okay, i'm a vegetarian and that works into her diet as well because the only times she wants, say, a hamburger or something, is when she's drunk. however we do order out a lot, which we both know is bad for the pocket and waistline. i know full well there are things we can do better, and we're taking steps towards it. i just wish she could say "fuck society" and just look the way she does and not worry about it. but that's unrealistic, and i have body image problems as much as she does (why do you think i'm here? because i like thinking that i'm a tiny man in tha pants?) so i don't even know if i have room to encourage her. what the hell. yes i do. i lost 200 lbs a while back, my lowest being 150-60 lbs, and now i'm up to a more healthy 180, so i think i could help her on that.

    damnit. i just wish i didn't have to lose her curves. i like big women a lot. grrrr.
     
  15. mdc

    mdc New Member

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    I don't think you'll convince her that 220 lbs is just fine, because it isn't. That's well into the "obese" category. 130-170 lbs is the healthy weight for someone 5'10" (male or female). You should, as others have suggested, support her in losing weight. Telling her she's fine sounds like B.S. to her.
     
  16. B_Spladle

    B_Spladle New Member

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    wtf, 5'10" 220? That bitch needs to drop like fifty pounds, and fast.

    My recommendation? Fuck her thin. Seriously, sex is good exercise when done right.

    :heart:
     
  17. B_Spladle

    B_Spladle New Member

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    Are you high?
     
  18. AlteredEgo

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    Sure. If she were on a different planet with different gravity. If she were a crack whore. I doubt she's a crack whore. I doubt she's on another planet. And if she were 5'10" and 120lbs, there would be exactly zero junk left with which to play. Time for a reality check.

    As a note, women in "adult entertainment", television, movies, modeling lie about their height and weight routinely. This may be where you got that crazy notion.
     
  19. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Ditto.

     
  20. emu

    emu New Member

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    i agree completely.

    here's a "weigh" :biggrin1: to do it....

    tell her the ideal body weight for a hot chick like her for her body frame and height is to be at about 170-180. so she really only needs to lose 40-50 lbs, realistically.

    tell her the best bet to burn fat is to fuck it off like wild animals
    say this, "honey, it's time to help you lose weight again, for the fifth time today" (as you pull out another box of condoms)

    :cool:

    E
     
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