@Mark jakes I see from your profile that you are age 50. This may not be an insignificant detail. I experienced a significant sexual change at midlife (not uncommon from what I read here on LPSG). It wasn't that my M-F attractions changed, rather my desire to suppress my M-M attractions changed. I sensed that windows of opportunity were closing and I needed to act. Does your situation match this scenario?
I'm not the kind of guy who would ever visit a gay bar, but the internet enabled exploration. I didn't just wake up one morning and decide to start fucking guys in the ass. It started out small with watching online gay porn. That was my gateway drug. Gay chat rooms were an easy next step. Then visits to gay video arcades and other venues where physical contact with other men became possible. The possibilities with internet cruising made hookups too easy. Starting with mutual masturbation, it progressed gradually (over years) to include kissing, oral, anal topping, anal bottoming, and even mild kink. None of these steps happened suddenly - each took a year or more of acclimatization. It is an insidious process. It chips away at your resistance and perceptions of what is acceptable and even normal. It forces you to live a compartmentalized life as a coping mechanism. It also numbs your conscience. At one time I did feel guilt, but somewhere along this path the guilt disappeared. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.
During my 20-year period of heterosexuality, I would classify my desires as 20 gay/80 straight. I had a number of meaningful M-F relationships with strong emotional and physical attractions. If I am being honest, those percentages have now shifted to 90 gay/10 straight. I attribute that to conditioning from a decade of increasingly intense exposure to gay porn and gay sex. I don't doubt that conditioning could also reverse those percentages. I had 20 years to explore my hetero side, and now I am having these years to explore my gay side. And in similar fashion, I am experiencing a number of meaningful M-M relationships with strong emotional and physical attractions.
Although I keep my M-M attractions a secret, I don't consider myself a closeted homosexual. To dismiss my heterosexual attractions and experiences as inauthentic would be just as wrong as dismissing my homosexual attractions and experiences as inauthentic. Above all, I have come to understand that bisexuality is not an easy path. Rather than providing the best of both worlds, bisexuality means that difficult choices much be made about which desires will be fulfilled which desires will remain unfulfilled (or only partially fulfilled).
Watching gay porn was the first step down my path of bisexuality. Your path may be similar or completely different. Wherever it leads you, I wish you well on your journey.
