I don't like how I look or how I feel about myself...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by justatireswing, Apr 9, 2011.

  1. justatireswing

    justatireswing New Member

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    Hi guys,

    I wasn't sure if I should put this in this section or the appearance issues section, but it seemed like this was the right one since my issues stem deeper than just how I look.

    Umm, so I realize that I have really low self-esteem. I don't really like how I look... I don't feel like I'm very attractive... and I'm not really packing down there... and I know that a serious relationship shouldn't be built on something so flighty, but I just feel like that's kind of what I want in a guy, even though I know that there are more important aspects to a partner than just attractiveness, like how much the other one loves you and cares about you.

    The problem is, I haven't been with anyone for over a year, and I feel kind of empty inside because I don't feel like I have anyone special in my life. I mean, I have a lot of friends who are girls, and some straight guy friends, but I feel like I want someone to be with that I can give myself up to. I feel really lonely sometimes, and I'm in college and this time is supposed to be special, but everyday I go to bed wondering what the hell I'm doing. I feel like if I had someone closer to talk to, I would feel better. I know that's kind of selfish, to be in a relationship just for that, but it's just how I feel, and no matter how hard I try to realize this, I still feel the same way.

    So I feel really bad about myself for my appearance and the fact that I haven't been seeing anyone. And I think that I haven't been with anyone on a date, and this is my opinion, but I think it's the fact that I'm not attractive enough. I mean, I feel like I have a lot to offer in a relationship, but I guess my luck isn't too great.

    Thanks for reading this, I would really appreciate any kind of advice.
     
  2. HakaiToson

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    You seem like a very intelligent, sensitive person from what you have written.

    I feel the same as you. I'm not very attractice and have very low self-esteem.

    Maybe it would be good to try and make as many friends as you can here and maybe one of them will end up being your soul mate.
     
  3. monel

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    I think you are down on yourself because it has been so long since your last relationship. You are almost certainly more critical about your appearance than others are likely to be. However, if you exude a negative self image, others will pick up on it and this is not an attractive attribute. Therefore I would suggest that stop worrying about not being in a relationship. Just because you do not have a significant other does not mean you need to be lonely. You have friends so you are not alone. Stay active. Get involved in things, clubs, organizations, etc. Go out with your friends to bars, parties. If you truely are not happy with how you look, change it. Go to the gym, get a haircut. Whatever it takes. Start to view yourself in a more positve light. If you convey a confident self image and increase your circle of friends and acquaintances, relationships will develope. Good luck.
     
  4. lafever

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    All my life I felt like the ugly duck, I never understood what people saw in me because I could'nt see it.
    Growing up my mother resented me for getting in the way of her social life, so she would say horrible things to me which I believed.
    She'd tell me that she wished I'd never been born, that I had ruined her life, all as she shook me in anger and cried.
    My mother had me convinced that I was the cause of all her problems.
    I used to fantasize about running away so she could be happy.
    I would stay outside till dark and eat at neighbors houses to avoid her.
    As a result I hated to look in the mirror and I projected those feelings towards others so I was never good at making friends.
    It was just recently that I delt with the feelings and emotions from all this, and I've come to realize that I'm not the person that my mother made me out to believe.
    That I'm beautiful and unique in my own way.
    Lpsg has played a big role in helping me through this, you could say I've grown alot here.
    So I know that if you're looking for help and support you'll get all that you need, there are alot of wonderfull people here.
    Now I'm not saying that we have the same problems just that sometimes we have to look at why we feel the way we do, where it all comes from.
    Kinda like peeling a onion, the further you get to the center the bigger the tears.
    You are beautiful, you just need to see it. :smile:
     
  5. Blairmichod

    Blairmichod New Member

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    I know exactly what you're [the OP] talking about. I'm in college right now as well and I haven't been in a relationship for almost two years now. I often have similar issues where I feel that I'm ugly or too small to be desirable, but I know objectively that I'm not (even if I can't find anyone else in real life that thinks so).

    I have found that LPSG is actually pretty encouraging in regards to these matters, so I'd suggest uploading a picture or two, if you feel comfortable with that. Just hearing a few kind words about your appearance may help you out.

    Regardless, chin up! Like HakaiToson said, you're probably a smart, sensitive guy and, ultimately, that's far more important than just being good looking. I'm sure you'll find someone if you just keep looking. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
     
  6. nudeyorker

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    I'm going to address what you stated in your thread title... What don't you like about how you look? Is it something that can be changed by loosing weight or getting into better shape? Sometimes we don't see ourselves very objectively especially when there are issues like unhappiness or loneliness clouding our perceptions.
    What you don't like about how you feel about yourself is another issue that might be caused by how you perceive yourself or how others react to you based on the vibe you are giving. I don't have any scientific evidence to back this up but people are generally not attracted to unhappy people for some reason.
    I think you need to look at yourself in the mirror and take special care to note all of your good qualities and enhance them. You also need to look at the things that can be changed and start working on those. Everyone has a physical flaw that they can't change but you can find ways to diminish or hide it. (I have a terrible scar on my forehead so I wear my hair longer)
    As far as how you feel right now you are going to have to do some inventory analysis and figure out what qualities you have that are assets and what are liabilities.
    Make a sound investment in your happiness and well being and you will be surprised at how the missing pieces in your life will start falling away. I think you have more going for you than you are able to see clearly for yourself right now; you are at one of the crossroads of many still to come and the choices are yours to make... the thing is if you make the wrong choice you have the opportunity to fix it or make another wrong choice. If you keep making the worst possible choices; those are the things that add up and can really wreck havoc on your life.
     
  7. helgaleena

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    One thing to keep in mind-- you are part of the ten percent. You are in a small minority in the world and that means that nine out of ten nice and friendly people you get along with are going to be straight. In order to avoid loneliness you must cultivate a tolerance for your own company and realize that you will never be able to dump yourself, break up with yourself, or divorce yourself.

    So find a few good qualities in your significant other-self and emphasize them. There have to be one or two. Start there. I know it's hard, but it will get more natural with time.
     
  8. airc3

    airc3 New Member

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    I know exactly what you mean, OP. I have never considered myself attractive and I haven't even been on a date in 6 years, not even asked anyone. I hated myself so much that I allowed myself to get to 270 lbs. And at only 5'7", that's a lot. Of course, my self-esteem sank even further.

    I know exactly what you mean about feeling empty inside. Years ago I was frustrated like you, but after years of being alone I just don't feel anything anymore. Not lonely, not sad, nothing.

    While I'm not the best person to give advice about this, I hope I can help a little.

    What exactly don't you like about yourself? That could be a good start. For example, I always hated how fat and hairy I was. So I started dieting and hitting the gym. Then I started laser hair removal. I'm down 85 lbs and have almost no hair left on my back or shoulders. Of course, I still think of myself as fat and hairy and probably always will, but I think it takes time to see a new you.

    Identify what it is you don't like about yourself. Then you can either accept or change it.
     
  9. helgaleena

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    I hope you and yourself will live happily ever after, and eventually make it a threesome!
     
  10. TheRob

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    I don't like the way I look either really
     
  11. D_Humper E Bogart

    D_Humper E Bogart New Member

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    Well the advantages of being a male is we can analyse and think through this LOGICALLY. As mentioned before, what is it that you don't like? (Referring to Justatireswing and TheRob here).

    Im going to assume that we are all introverts, then instead of seeing it as a weakness, consider using the advantage that we have a lot of free time on our hands to do something progressive in small and easy steps. There's no need for massive "leaps of faith" if you can gain encouragement in doing little things.
     
  12. helgaleena

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    Fixed that for you, OB...
     
  13. B_ILIW

    B_ILIW New Member

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    I think that too many people base self-esteem on attractiveness, which is not healthy in itself. It's basically our pop-culture obsessed society that puts this forward.

    True self-esteem comes from self-acceptance, and thinking one is worthwhile. OP, what are your positive points? What do you like to do, and what are you confident in?

    There is nothing wrong in self-improvement, everybody in some sense does it. This could be by learning new skills, or improving on existing ones. however, if something bothers you, change it, or at the least learn how to mitigate it.
     
  14. Patchos

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    Citation pls
     
  15. justatireswing

    justatireswing New Member

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    Thank you all so much for your wonderful advice, I definitely appreciate all that you guys had to say.

    First, I guess I feel like my facial features and my body are just not very attractive... I'm Chinese, and I feel like society doesn't really find us very attractive. I know it's all subjective, for the last few days I've been working on trying to fix my attitude about how I feel about myself and others.

    Also, I really, really appreciate the deep sincerity of all the stories that you all offered me, it makes me feel like I'm not alone with my struggles to feel better about myself.

    I'm going to take all your advice and try to love myself more, realize that there's nothing wrong with me, I'm fine, I just need to learn to be happy and be happy for others.

    Jon
     
  16. Ethyl

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    You might be surprised at the number of men and women who find Chinese men attractive.

    *raises hand*
     
  17. helgaleena

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    Jackie Chan is hot. And I married a Native American and my kids have brown tilted eyes, most lovely believe me.
     
  18. nudeyorker

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    When I was growing up my brother and I were the two jewish kids at a school where most of the kids looked like The Brady Bunch; we really stood out like sore thumbs and it took some time for us to embrace our individuality and grow into ourselves.
    Like someone else has already said many people find Chinese men very attractive and I am one of them. Stop being your own worst critic and start being your own best friend.
    I have a feeling that if you work on your feelings about how you perceive yourself instead of how you think others perceive you most of the problem will be solved.
    As simple as this may sound... a good haircut that flatters your features and bone structure is one of the best ways to give your image and self confidence a boost. Why not start there and deal with everything else feeling a bit better about yourself.
     
  19. DV8

    DV8
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    Reading the original post makes me sad because I hear these same things from one of my best friends. I will tell you the same thing that I tell him, but you have to take it to heart. The first thing you have to do is truly take a look at yourself. Get to know you, and learn to feel comfortable in your own skin. Make a list all of your positive attributes and make a list of all the things you would change and why. You're going to pay close attention to the list of the positive attributes, because you are who you are, and you need to learn to like to you. People don't take well to arrogance, but they love confidence, and people can see that. Don't try to blend in, always be you, and if you stand out, then you stand out- at least be happy standing out.

    You haven't been in a relationship in a while? That actually sounds like a good thing. It sounds as if you're not quite ready for a relationship. We all have our insecurities, my friend. But the only thing you can do is accept the fact that they're just insecurities. Your life still goes on. Take me for example. I'm 6'2, 330lbs. Even though, I'm not pleased with my weight, so I'm dieting and exercising, I'm still getting laid. The fact that I'm endowed probably helps, but even if someone knows nothing about my cock, it's my confidence. Learn to like/love you, because if you can't even do that, how do you expect to like/love someone else, or for them to feel the same about you? You have to sell yourself, and believe in what you're selling.

    The fact that you're Chinese should work in your favor. I know plenty of gay men who are constantly trying to get their hands on Asian boys. Believe me, and trust me, I've had my share. Own it, and make it work for you. So what if you're packing a spring roll and not a bratwurst- I LIKE SPRING ROLLS! So do plenty of others, there's nothing wrong with you, babe.

    And something else that I often have to tell one of my best friends. Your college years are what you make them, and what you enjoy. If you want to get out there and try something new, then do it. Don't just sit up in your room, not do anything about it- it only leads to a cycle of bitching. Promise you! Go to a bar, go to a party, be you, and have fun! All my life I've always gone for the underdog because I believed that in time, I could help them shine. I'm finding myself to be less attracted to the underdog, because I like thrill-seekers, as I'm one myself. What are you afraid of? It's just life.


    T-boz & chilli:
    "You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
    You can fix your nose if he says so
    You can buy all the make-up that mac can make
    But if you can’t look inside you
    Find out who am i, too
    Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty"
     
  20. monel

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    Personally I find the Chinese to be a beautiful people.
     
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