I don't think I can ever be true to myself and it's so damn frustrating that it's eating me everyday

[Almost40]

Hi, I know that this is a very common thing all closeted guys experience but I just need to write these down to relieve myself some of these worries. English is not my first language, so please bear with me.

Living in a Christian family with brothers who are married wherein they are expecting you to be the next one to get married is such a pressure.

All I can do is just smile, nod, and laugh it off but in reality, it's killing me knowing that I don't think I can never be true. I can never express what I feel and only here, being incognito, within this site I can somehow tell things I wanna talk about with someone.

I felt this way back; I found myself having crush with both sexes. I think I'm kinda effeminate during that time or maybe just totally shy and introverted that I got teased for being gay by one classmate and heck even our househelp that always joked about me when I was helping with painting the window grills telling me that I might put those paint as makeup . Anyway, I realized that they always notice something unusual that's when I started to just got self conscious and got a lot quieter so that I'll make no mistakes so that no words or insults will come out of their mouths. I played the good kid all my life suppressing these feelings that it's hitting me right now.

TLDR, Idk I'm just frustrated with my life right now.

Again I'm sorry if these kind of stories are repetitive but I just really needed this to vent out what I feel. I'm good with listening to others problems and giving some advice but I cannot apply that with myself

It's either this way or the other. Do u want to keep others happy? Try to get married to a wife that knows the truth, so u make others happy. Or be true and stand up for yourself. This may terminate any relationship with your family, because simply your family doesn't give A SHIT about you as an individual. They just want to carry on the same bullshit, keep themselves happy without paying attention to what others are about. Do u really want to find yourself in that position after many many years? It's a tough one I know. Coming out is not good in this type of environment, I would suggest to get away from them by simply chasing your dream without them. Get yourself together make a plan and work on it for your own benefit.

 

[EssexMaker]

40 years ago I worked in a profession where being gay was looked down upon, both "morally" and socialy, as in the UK it was often thought - spurred on by influential political and media figures - that being gay meant you were a paedophile. This of course was never true, but if you repeat a lie often enough, it is perceived as true. I had to appear straight at work, and at that time with no internet there were only magazines and gay papers (Capital Gay and Pink Paper - I didn't live in London, but Capital Gay got delivered to major cities), so I replied to some of the classified ads for men looking for partners - most of course were just after casual sex, but I met one guy and though there was no sexual attraction between us, something clicked, and, 40 years on we frequently email each other and have remained good friends, and we can "talk" to each other about anything. The early days of course it was letters, and I was so worried at the time that I got an accomodation address (newsagents and tobacconist shops often provided you with a service where you used their address, for I think, 50 pence a week, (about average at the time) and I would call in once a week to pick them up. The only advice I would offer you is to stay discreet if your circumstances demand it, but try to find a confident even if there is no sexual interest there. Better he is gay because he will have more rapport with your feelings even if his interests are disimilar, It is easier to stay anonymous today, far different to the 1980s, I can only imagine what life was like back in the 50s and 60s when being gay was a criminal offence and blackmail was rife. The only other piece of advice I can offer is that though I was straight at work, I never got involved in pretending to be interested in women, or having a "beard" not only is it unfair to the woman to hold out the prospect of offering her something you cannot give, but, as somebody else has quoted Shakespeare, if you go down that route and resentment or anger creeps in "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". Above all, don't get married because of family pressure - you will ruin your own life, your wifes and any children that come along. I knowone man who did that and his life became a wreck. Good luck

 

[souravhalder]

Trust your mother.

Bad fucking idea, especially in conservative households.