I Don't Wanna Be Gay.

Drazil30

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I feel like sexual abuse when i was young affected my attraction choice. I am exhausted at the thought of men and their tools but I can' stop jacking offf to them...please Im not saying being gay is bad but being torn about it is...I wanna love purely without sexual desire or lust just love no perversion.
 
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Brodie888

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I'd suggest speaking to a professional therapist with no religious agenda.

You have a number of conflicting beliefs that you need to address. In a sense you have become stuck and have not been able to develop properly as a result.

I have my ideas of why you have feelings of repulsion towards gay men and gay feelings but I think you need to speak to someone about how to separate your trauma as a child and your sexual identity.
 

pp_ryder

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I feel like sexual abuse when i was young affected my attraction choice. I am exhausted at the thought of men and their tools but I can' stop jacking offf to them...please Im not saying being gay is bad but being torn about it is...I wanna love purely without sexual desire or lust just love no perversion.
What's perverted about sexual attraction?
 
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OKCLane

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Find a great therapist. Interview them! It’s your choice, not theirs so don’t be intimidated or bullied into seeing someone. I’d see several, even if the first one “feels” like a perfect fit.
If your abuser was male, a female therapist might be a safer choice. However, make sure you will be comfortable sharing your story with the one you choose.
The process is exhausting and requires vulnerability and trust and transparency. If you’re not ready to address your issues don’t waste your time and money.
 
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I feel like sexual abuse when i was young affected my attraction choice. I am exhausted at the thought of men and their tools but I can' stop jacking offf to them...please Im not saying being gay is bad but being torn about it is...I wanna love purely without sexual desire or lust just love no perversion.

I wish you all the best, all the luck and all the happiness in the word, mate.

Like the other guys I hope you find good help.
This threat and this site might not be the best place to find that.

But let me just say You are a fucking HERO by opening up.
That probably took a hell of a lot of courage and I am in awe.
 

Stephenmass

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I honestly think this way. Yes seek help in proper settings that are comfortable for you. We all are different in that respect. I do have a couple of questions tho if I may ask them.

1. Assuming what happened in the past didn't happen, do you think you would still be attracted to men? This distinction is important I think. If you are having perfectly normal thoughts that involve men, and when experimenting always go back to what happened in the past, then the help you need would need to be able to help you let go of what can't be changed and let you begin life as yourself.

2. If you honestly believe you wouldn't be gay if the past didn't happen, I'm not sure what to say here and would need more info. Not about your past, that's personal unless you want to share it. While it may have been a "traumatic event" or a pleasurable one that somehow you feel guilty about enjoying is an area that needs to be explored. If it was traumatic, I would think you would be repulsed at the idea of it happening again if you were a str8 man. I don't have enough information to help you answer that.

3. Either way, a good therapist can help you hopefully let go of what can't be changed because it's past history. Then you would move forward from there. There is a part of me that thinks as ugly an event as that past event may have been, there is a part of yourself that was being realized. But you don't want to have it realized for some reason because of this event. Past aside, being honest with yourself about who you are and what you are (labeling I know, which I don't like), could come out either way once you are able to let go of that event of trauma (or was it?). I don't have enough information. Either way as I said, in order for you to sort it out, you need probably professsional help in being able to let go of that event in the past because only then can you move forward.

I'm a no judgment kind of person. If you would like to share privately and trust me that I would not share your story anywhere, my mailbox is always open. It may help to talk with even a non-professional that listens, and I'm great as a listener and wouldn't judge you. Up to you. Any contact thru my mail would be a no contact in person kind of thing and I wouldn't come on to you or vice versa. Just trying to sort it out. Good luck even if I don't hear from you.
 
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