I Dont Wanna Be Gay
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For the OP: When I was a lot younger (approximately 25 years ago 
), I was sure that if I came out, I'd be (1) disowned and/or thrown out of the house, (2) shunned by my former friends, (3) unemployable as an openly gay man in the South, and (4) resigned to a life of frequenting rest rooms or park trails for sex with similarly tortured personalities.
Fortunately, my understanding of what was possible was completely wrong:
(1) My parents did in fact freak out, but I wasn't thrown out of the house, and they paid for the college costs that my scholarship didn't cover--and 25 years later we've come to an understanding, my parents talk proudly about their gay sons, and they've welcomed my man into their house and into the family, even remembering his birthday;
(2) friends at college stuck by me, and I even gained friends who admired me for my courage (I came out in the pages of the school newspaper in response to a homophobic editorial)--also, at my 20th high school reunion, I introduced my man to 45-50 of the small-town Southerners I grew up with, and no one displayed a homophobic response (everyone shook his hand and was polite and even friendly);
(3) I realized that there were a lot of gay people working at universities, so I found a way to do that, and it's worked out for me--no one bats an eye at most public and private universities I've worked at when I say "my partner" and then "he" or "him" in conversation;
(4) After doing the anonymous sex thing for a short while--and escaping infection with HIV and other STDs, amazingly!--I learned that while the freedom associated with anonymous sex was indeed attractive, even addicting, I wanted a real relationship with a complex, interesting man who'd be (like me) in it for the long haul.
This optimistic attitude is a 180-degree reversal from the deep gloom that settled over me for many years after reading the first Newsweek article about what was then called "Gay Related Immune Deficiency," or GRID, in 1981. I was 12 years old, and I had a nurse for a mother. I knew immediately that if GRID was spread via blood and other body fluids, and if the virus survived in mosquitoes, the entire South would be a ghost town in months, maybe weeks. VERY fortunately, the virus wasn't able to survive in mosquitoes or other insects that feed on human blood. Still, for many years I assumed that GRID, which was later called AIDS, was merely the first wave in a heavy-hitting series of STDs that would wipe out those of us who enjoyed sexual freedom on this planet. In short, I assumed that I wasn't going to reach the age of 30.
Well, that milestone's past, and so is 40, and I'm still here. So are most of my friends. AIDS has become almost manageable, at least in the Western healthcare system, and other STDs are more or less preventable. Social acceptance of gay and lesbian people is increasing--witness the responses of people I meet when I tell them I have a male partner.
I've written a lot here in an effort to say this: I've been where you are, and I never thought life could be as good as it is now. Try to practice patience while you wait for your chance to control more aspects of your life, including where you live and who your friends are; in the meantime, work on improving yourself to be the best person you can be, because that'll be the most important aspect of your life, in the long run.
I hope this has been helpful, even encouraging.
NCbear (who knows what it's like to feel alone and friendless)
), I was sure that if I came out, I'd be (1) disowned and/or thrown out of the house, (2) shunned by my former friends, (3) unemployable as an openly gay man in the South, and (4) resigned to a life of frequenting rest rooms or park trails for sex with similarly tortured personalities.Fortunately, my understanding of what was possible was completely wrong:
(1) My parents did in fact freak out, but I wasn't thrown out of the house, and they paid for the college costs that my scholarship didn't cover--and 25 years later we've come to an understanding, my parents talk proudly about their gay sons, and they've welcomed my man into their house and into the family, even remembering his birthday;
(2) friends at college stuck by me, and I even gained friends who admired me for my courage (I came out in the pages of the school newspaper in response to a homophobic editorial)--also, at my 20th high school reunion, I introduced my man to 45-50 of the small-town Southerners I grew up with, and no one displayed a homophobic response (everyone shook his hand and was polite and even friendly);
(3) I realized that there were a lot of gay people working at universities, so I found a way to do that, and it's worked out for me--no one bats an eye at most public and private universities I've worked at when I say "my partner" and then "he" or "him" in conversation;
(4) After doing the anonymous sex thing for a short while--and escaping infection with HIV and other STDs, amazingly!--I learned that while the freedom associated with anonymous sex was indeed attractive, even addicting, I wanted a real relationship with a complex, interesting man who'd be (like me) in it for the long haul.
This optimistic attitude is a 180-degree reversal from the deep gloom that settled over me for many years after reading the first Newsweek article about what was then called "Gay Related Immune Deficiency," or GRID, in 1981. I was 12 years old, and I had a nurse for a mother. I knew immediately that if GRID was spread via blood and other body fluids, and if the virus survived in mosquitoes, the entire South would be a ghost town in months, maybe weeks. VERY fortunately, the virus wasn't able to survive in mosquitoes or other insects that feed on human blood. Still, for many years I assumed that GRID, which was later called AIDS, was merely the first wave in a heavy-hitting series of STDs that would wipe out those of us who enjoyed sexual freedom on this planet. In short, I assumed that I wasn't going to reach the age of 30.
Well, that milestone's past, and so is 40, and I'm still here. So are most of my friends. AIDS has become almost manageable, at least in the Western healthcare system, and other STDs are more or less preventable. Social acceptance of gay and lesbian people is increasing--witness the responses of people I meet when I tell them I have a male partner.
I've written a lot here in an effort to say this: I've been where you are, and I never thought life could be as good as it is now. Try to practice patience while you wait for your chance to control more aspects of your life, including where you live and who your friends are; in the meantime, work on improving yourself to be the best person you can be, because that'll be the most important aspect of your life, in the long run.
I hope this has been helpful, even encouraging.
NCbear (who knows what it's like to feel alone and friendless)
Your only attracted to masc/str8 acting guys. OK well it sounds like at a young age you've already developed a dislike of "gay" people. Sure what your attracted to is hot, but u know what...I grew up in Tampa and guess where those guys are that limited themselves to masc/str8 acting guys. Their in their 50s alone and wrinkled on the beach. It's really very sad to see them.
For the OP: When I was a lot younger (approximately 25 years ago
Fortunately, my understanding of what was possible was completely wrong:
(1) My parents did in fact freak out, but I wasn't thrown out of the house, and they paid for the college costs that my scholarship didn't cover--and 25 years later we've come to an understanding, my parents talk proudly about their gay sons, and they've welcomed my man into their house and into the family, even remembering his birthday;
(2) friends at college stuck by me, and I even gained friends who admired me for my courage (I came out in the pages of the school newspaper in response to a homophobic editorial)--also, at my 20th high school reunion, I introduced my man to 45-50 of the small-town Southerners I grew up with, and no one displayed a homophobic response (everyone shook his hand and was polite and even friendly);
(3) I realized that there were a lot of gay people working at universities, so I found a way to do that, and it's worked out for me--no one bats an eye at most public and private universities I've worked at when I say "my partner" and then "he" or "him" in conversation;
(4) After doing the anonymous sex thing for a short while--and escaping infection with HIV and other STDs, amazingly!--I learned that while the freedom associated with anonymous sex was indeed attractive, even addicting, I wanted a real relationship with a complex, interesting man who'd be (like me) in it for the long haul.
This optimistic attitude is a 180-degree reversal from the deep gloom that settled over me for many years after reading the first Newsweek article about what was then called "Gay Related Immune Deficiency," or GRID, in 1981. I was 12 years old, and I had a nurse for a mother. I knew immediately that if GRID was spread via blood and other body fluids, and if the virus survived in mosquitoes, the entire South would be a ghost town in months, maybe weeks. VERY fortunately, the virus wasn't able to survive in mosquitoes or other insects that feed on human blood. Still, for many years I assumed that GRID, which was later called AIDS, was merely the first wave in a heavy-hitting series of STDs that would wipe out those of us who enjoyed sexual freedom on this planet. In short, I assumed that I wasn't going to reach the age of 30.
Well, that milestone's past, and so is 40, and I'm still here. So are most of my friends. AIDS has become almost manageable, at least in the Western healthcare system, and other STDs are more or less preventable. Social acceptance of gay and lesbian people is increasing--witness the responses of people I meet when I tell them I have a male partner.
I've written a lot here in an effort to say this: I've been where you are, and I never thought life could be as good as it is now. Try to practice patience while you wait for your chance to control more aspects of your life, including where you live and who your friends are; in the meantime, work on improving yourself to be the best person you can be, because that'll be the most important aspect of your life, in the long run.
I hope this has been helpful, even encouraging.
NCbear (who knows what it's like to feel alone and friendless)
inspiring..... Hats off to you.
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Don't worry. You'll be fine. Definitely move to an urban area - you'll have many more opportunities romantically, sexually, and economically.
And please don't marry some poor deluded girl who thinks you're into her. It won't change you. But it will hurt her.
And please don't marry some poor deluded girl who thinks you're into her. It won't change you. But it will hurt her.
Stage I
Accept yourself for whom you are.
Stage II
Explore your new world beginning slowly and looking at the people. When you do this realize that there will be both good and bad within your new world.
Stage III
Honesty to one's self and the important people around them. This means the slow and very delicate process of "coming out" where it is necessary. This does not mean broadcasting things to the world, it means people that should know because of their relationship to you are informed based first on the importance of their role or position in your life.
Stage IV
Realization of the value of healthy relationships and what constitutes one for you.
In essence anyone who deals with an alternate sexual orientation goes through these stages within their lives. If they move ahead slowly, cautiously and with educated understanding of the "how" they minimize the risk of personal trauma. This process is different for each person because the circumstances of life for each person is slightly different.
I did not come out to parents for many years because of the generational difference. My parents were nearly double the average age at the time I was conceived. My Mother was 33 years old at the time I was born and this was back in the 1950's. My biological Father was 36. My Stepfather who came into my life in 1968 was at the time he became a part of my life 61 years old. By the time I graduated from High School my parents were 51, 54, and 64 years old respectively. All three of these people came from generations which had zero acceptance of this issue. Yet, I came out and in the end had acceptance from all three before they left this world. My Mother in fact survived until 2001 and at age 80 she absolutely adored my other-half. This did not happen instantly, it took time and it took them being around gay people enough to realize that much of the information that they had been given by clergy and others playing personal gain motives was in fact wrong. They also over time learned that nothing had changed except for the gender of my chosen life-mate. The sad part is that they kind of missed out on the grandchildren, but, that happened in a sense too. My Father, Stepfather and Mother would have really loved our adopted one. He showed up as a troubled teen with his own orientation issues and he is really a great kid now in the beginning of his 20's. Our life is a strange sort of "picket fence" life, and it was not what anybody designed or intended (including us).
Every person on this planet is dealt a hand of cards. You are stuck playing the hand you are first dealt. It is how you play that hand over time that becomes the marker for your life. Your sexual orientation is but one card of the hand, it is not the entire hand and it is only one facit of who you are as a person.
One famous person who kind of illustrated the fears in a different way was actress Patricia Neal. Though she had an incredibly distinguished career in both live stage and film her most remembered role by many is that of "Helen Benson" in the 1951 movie "The Day the Earth Stood Still". On Johnny Carson's late night television show, during a Carson interview, she articulated her fear that her headstone would be etched with the most famous line from that movie which was: "Klaatu Barada Nicto" as she called off the holocaust of the robot Gort. In the end, her worst fears were not realized, and when she died she was in fact, best remembered for her most incredible attributes including the comeback from a debilitating stroke. Her first work after was a film and she was nominated for an academy award for her supporting performance for that film. She also returned to the stage showing the strength of her character.
Gay men and women have been some of the greatest leaders and figures in world history. If you want to accept yourself look at the people who in real life were gay. You are in an incredible list of "good company" with your orientation and it is far more than a few actors and rock stars. The fact that many of these people were not remembered for THEIR orientation is proof enough that the orientation was not the marker of the life or the legacies that they as individuals left behind.
Being gay is only a small part of whom you are as a person. Right now, you think that this part of your life is the only part of your life. Being gay does not guarantee you a life of styling hair, arranging flowers, worshiping music divas, and a maniacal preoccupation with Broadway Show tunes. It is a very full life with a world of opportunities, appreciation for art, sensitivity to the plight of others, and most of all a world where you can accomplish virtually anything you want to accomplish. The only catch is that you have to be willing to work for it.
Accept yourself for whom you are.
Stage II
Explore your new world beginning slowly and looking at the people. When you do this realize that there will be both good and bad within your new world.
Stage III
Honesty to one's self and the important people around them. This means the slow and very delicate process of "coming out" where it is necessary. This does not mean broadcasting things to the world, it means people that should know because of their relationship to you are informed based first on the importance of their role or position in your life.
Stage IV
Realization of the value of healthy relationships and what constitutes one for you.
In essence anyone who deals with an alternate sexual orientation goes through these stages within their lives. If they move ahead slowly, cautiously and with educated understanding of the "how" they minimize the risk of personal trauma. This process is different for each person because the circumstances of life for each person is slightly different.
I did not come out to parents for many years because of the generational difference. My parents were nearly double the average age at the time I was conceived. My Mother was 33 years old at the time I was born and this was back in the 1950's. My biological Father was 36. My Stepfather who came into my life in 1968 was at the time he became a part of my life 61 years old. By the time I graduated from High School my parents were 51, 54, and 64 years old respectively. All three of these people came from generations which had zero acceptance of this issue. Yet, I came out and in the end had acceptance from all three before they left this world. My Mother in fact survived until 2001 and at age 80 she absolutely adored my other-half. This did not happen instantly, it took time and it took them being around gay people enough to realize that much of the information that they had been given by clergy and others playing personal gain motives was in fact wrong. They also over time learned that nothing had changed except for the gender of my chosen life-mate. The sad part is that they kind of missed out on the grandchildren, but, that happened in a sense too. My Father, Stepfather and Mother would have really loved our adopted one. He showed up as a troubled teen with his own orientation issues and he is really a great kid now in the beginning of his 20's. Our life is a strange sort of "picket fence" life, and it was not what anybody designed or intended (including us).
Every person on this planet is dealt a hand of cards. You are stuck playing the hand you are first dealt. It is how you play that hand over time that becomes the marker for your life. Your sexual orientation is but one card of the hand, it is not the entire hand and it is only one facit of who you are as a person.
One famous person who kind of illustrated the fears in a different way was actress Patricia Neal. Though she had an incredibly distinguished career in both live stage and film her most remembered role by many is that of "Helen Benson" in the 1951 movie "The Day the Earth Stood Still". On Johnny Carson's late night television show, during a Carson interview, she articulated her fear that her headstone would be etched with the most famous line from that movie which was: "Klaatu Barada Nicto" as she called off the holocaust of the robot Gort. In the end, her worst fears were not realized, and when she died she was in fact, best remembered for her most incredible attributes including the comeback from a debilitating stroke. Her first work after was a film and she was nominated for an academy award for her supporting performance for that film. She also returned to the stage showing the strength of her character.
Gay men and women have been some of the greatest leaders and figures in world history. If you want to accept yourself look at the people who in real life were gay. You are in an incredible list of "good company" with your orientation and it is far more than a few actors and rock stars. The fact that many of these people were not remembered for THEIR orientation is proof enough that the orientation was not the marker of the life or the legacies that they as individuals left behind.
Being gay is only a small part of whom you are as a person. Right now, you think that this part of your life is the only part of your life. Being gay does not guarantee you a life of styling hair, arranging flowers, worshiping music divas, and a maniacal preoccupation with Broadway Show tunes. It is a very full life with a world of opportunities, appreciation for art, sensitivity to the plight of others, and most of all a world where you can accomplish virtually anything you want to accomplish. The only catch is that you have to be willing to work for it.
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helgaleena
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Klaatu Barada Nikto-- famous words in Star Wars Dark Horse Comics, where there is no Gort :tongue: The arts cross pollinate like that. Don't think you are not going to do something that gets you famous, even if you don't know what it is yet.
