I dunno what to do...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by SomeGuyOverThere, Apr 27, 2005.

  1. SomeGuyOverThere

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    Ok, so, I have had a couple of identity crisies lately, and out of all of it, Ive had to accept, atleast in myself, that I am bisexual.

    The problem is, I dont know what to do about this sudden discovery, I mean, I have no predjudices against anyone, and I've allways prided myself in my acceptance of everyone, no matter what their colour rank or sexuality, so its not that Im upset by my own preferences, but I know other people can be.

    Especially here in Scotland, where homophobia seems to be a fashion statement, and I know that several of my extended family are extremly homophobic, one uncle in particular has very "colourful" views and words regarding homosexuals.

    And Although I know my friends would be fine about it, and I know that my parents have told me strait out that whatever my preference, they dont mind, they'd be a bit miffed about the family name dieing if I decided I was gay but they wouldnt hold it against me, I know that if Im open about it, I will face a lot of predjudice from other people, and recieve a lot of flak about it, and it might be better just to keep quiet about it.

    But I feel like I'm lieing to everyone if I just pretend it isnt there, and I really just need somebody to talk to about it, but I cant talk to my parents, I dont know why, I just dont think I can face them with this, even thoguh they are accepting, they have a lot of stuff on their plates already, and TBH, I think I can only trust 3 friends with this kind of thing, though all of them would be cool with it, but two of them for certain wouldnt be very good at comforting, and the other I dont know well enough to lumber this stuff on them.

    All my other friends would either be totally insensitive, totally useless to talk to, or would tell everybody on the planet and get it on the 9 o'clock news even if I told them not to tell anyone.


    My GP did offer access to a concellor, maybe I should take that up, but its close to exam time already, and I feel like everything is happening at once at the moment, and seeking concelling is just one more thing to add to my list!



    Argh!

    I hate the way the cookie crumbles :(


    Sorry to subject everyone to that rant, but Im sure somebody out there has the words I need to hear, I dont know what they are, but I need to hear something, i know that much, and writing this down has helped a lot in itself.

    At the very least, i just need somebdy to tel me they share my pain, please?

    :cry:
     
  2. mindseye

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    Here's a summary of what you've said:
    1. You're discovering something new about yourself that's as exciting as it is unsettling.
    2. You perceive that your family will not react positively to your discovery.
    3. Out of your friends, there aren't many that you feel comfortable confiding in.


    You're not alone -- lots of us have been through this. Here's my advice:

    Deal with #1 first before you worry about #2 and #3. If you start telling other people about your sexuality before you've become comfortable with it yourself, then you're leaving yourself vulnerable.

    In time, #3 will no longer be an issue -- as you grow more confident in your sexuality, you'll find that your circle of friends will change, too. You've always sought out friends who had similar interests; and some of your early childhood friendships fell by the wayside as you grew apart and no longer shared the same interests.

    That natural process will continue; you'll find new friends who share this interest -- or at least, who are accepting of it, and part company with those who've become too far apart from you. At some point, you'll find it easy to confide in your friends, because you know they're supportive of who you are.

    And that brings us to #2: You can't choose your family as you can your friends, but you'll find that having a strong network of supporting friends will give you the strength to deal with your family.

    Don't rush this, man -- just accept it and let things happen as they seem right. You'll find that 'coming out' is a little bumpy, but not as bad as you think it is.

    Good luck.
     
  3. SomeGuyOverThere

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    Thanks Mindseye, Im amazed you managed to work out what I was saying beneath my terrible grammar and spelling (now ammended). And your advice was really practicle, thanks. :)


    I realise Ive made it sound like my friends wouldnt take it too well, this isnt true, I know theyd be fine about it, but I had also kind of, well "outgrown" them, weve all gone seperate ways, and I dont really feel comfortable with most of them anymore... Oh well, only a little while before Uni, then I get a fresh start I suppose.
     
  4. Freddie53

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    Oh we are out there and do we share your pain. Bisexuality is probalby harder to deal with the being totally gay. A totally gay person has an easier time settling down to one partner I would think.

    Regardless if you are with a man or a woman you feel like you are lieing. That is true.

    However, the previous post was on target on what to do.

    But right now, focus on those exams. Talk to us. Read the posters here. Select someone that you feel would talk to you about it and pm them or e-mail them. Select more than one if you wish. Right now, we are free and at least you can talk to someone that shares some of your same problems. I for one would be willing to hear your story. I can play the role of a friend or a father figure or both. But there are others here.

    I am from the States. I assumed that Scotland was a little more free than the US. Guess I was wrong. I have Socttish ancestry. I have met several people from Scotland.

    Good luck to you. Take things one a time.
     
  5. viking

    viking New Member

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    What's the hurry??

    Do you feel like your behavior is going to change?
    Probably not.

    Do you feel like you're lying if you don't discuss your sexual activities with your mom?

    Do you feel like your friends can see your private thoughts?

    My advice is to live with it for a little while, Discovery can be fun.
    Check out some guys and don't be ashamed of it.
    Flirt with some cute men and see what happens.

    It's kinda like new shoes, they are a little uncomfortable at first.
    But then, boy do they feel good!

    The rest will work it's self out.
    I'm bisexual too. but my mom doesn't know! Why should she?
    She doesn't know a lot of things that I do.

    I'm of the opinion that we don't have to tell everything to everyone.
    It's OK to have things that are personal and not shared with everyone.
    When it feels good and you want to share it, you will.

    Good luck!
    Email me if you want to.
     
  6. Knight

    Knight New Member

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    I think this is why they say 'coming out' is hard and for most people it takes ages. I don't really see why you need to tell anyone except maybe any partner you end up with. Don't worry about it and accept the counselling maybe when you've not got so much stuff going on, wait til you're ready. Like has been said, there's no rush and you aren't lying to anyone...have I told anyone I'm heterosexual? No because for one its none of their business and two its pretty trivial in the grand scheme of things.

    So - take the counselling and just wait til you're ready.
     
  7. woskxn

    woskxn New Member

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    I totally understand. I am going trough the same thing now. I was actually thinking of starting a similar thread.
    Its not that simple, Knight..I wish it was.

    The problem is this. Your sexuality manages to come into every area of your life. Its WHO YOU ARE, not just who you choose to have sex with. You talk to your friends about girls..I have to lie and pretend I am attracted to something I am not. I am totally denying who I am. Think about the conversations you have with your friends..its about sex, its talking about girls, talking about having a family...many times you find that you cant relate because they are looking at it from the hetero perspective.

    Personally, I am enjoying my time less and less with my friends..why? well because, for a gay guy, hanging with guys, is like a hetero guy hanging with girls..there is a lot of uncomfortablness because while they are my friends, I am attracted to guys, so I have to deal with so many emotions and since its the sex I am attracted to, there is a need to impress. Over time I have gotten to know them well, so the sexual tension has gone down.. but imagine having those types of feelings for your friend, when on the other hand, they have none of those at all..they are comfortable, and they can open up, and just not have to watch what they are doing.

    Just think about yourself Knight, I am sure, when you are around girls, you watch much more what you are doing, how you are acting, what you are saying, etc, because there is attraction there and you want to impress.
    So imagine having to feel that when you just want to have fun. (thats how it should be with your friends) I dont want to have that kind of emotional feelings towards my guy friends, but since I am gay, I do have them.

    The reason you see gay guys with girl friends is because we can be comfortable around them. We dont care what they really think of us sexually because there is no chance we are going to get them to bed, or want to more accuratley. So, personally, I enjoy myself much more hanging around girls (even though I dont usually) because I dont feel any pressure, or any attraction, so there is no emotion there, and I can just have fun, be open, etc.

    I can keep naming these issues for days but what it comes down to is not being able to be truthful with anyone. You are lying to family, friends, co-workers, the world, about who you are and what you want in life. Now if none of these people cared for me, or didn't have an opinion on it, that be a different story..but all these people are somehow attached to me, and they all do have an opinion, so coming out could mean losing everything..my family, my friends, lose respect from co-workers, and be put down in society in general.
     
  8. tuvok

    tuvok New Member

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    Always a complicated issue, I was scared shitless the first time i actually told anyone, which was my sister, and she had even previously made it quite clear that it wouldn't matter to her if I was gay, but I guess the more people mean to you the harder it can be to tell them, even though you really want to let them know, you fear loosing the people you love, but I told her that I didn't really feel like talking about it till the next day I was nervous enough just saying it but the next day we talked about it, not problems there, now that I knew I had the first one in my corner I was trying to work up the courage to tell my parents, little did I know my mother would beat me to it, since this is a kinda fun story I'll tell how, shortly after I told my sister was an annual family camping trip, and after I had arrived at the campsite and said the hello's I went with my mother to help her cook dinner make myself a quick snack and just talk privately, so as i was eating my little sandwich I was feeling thirsty so I asked her to pass me the milk, her answer: "here you go,.. are you gay?" Then I nearly choked on my sandwich, made an, at least to me, incredibly loud swallowing sound, and said a quiet yes, soon most my family on my mothers side knew, no problems there, lucky me. The family on my fathers side I knew for sure would definitely not be any problem at all, so now I had my entire family in my corner, still had my friends to tell though, again an amusing anecdote, a friend of mine borrowed a HDD from me, he found a directory with some porn in it, after turning beetred in my face, we talked some, no problems, in fact it actually drew us closer (he's straight, so not that kind of close, just very good friends), and thus it just casually circulated around my friends noone had a problem with it, nowadays I'm not nervous telling anyone since I know I have plenty of friends and family in my corner so if someone doesn't like it, it's their loss. I don't go around advertising it but I don't hide it either if it turns up in conversation, and if you have more than a one time casual conversation it will, they'll find out. But it's totally normal to be confused, nervous, even scared. Hope this was of soem use to you or someone else.
     
  9. viking

    viking New Member

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    Tuvok,
    That reminds me of a friend Robbie who came out in college.
    He all of a sudden had this crazy accent, changed his hair and called himself Robbe'.

    It was hillarious. After a few days though, we were kind enough to say to him "enough with the affectations, we love you the way you really are."

    It points out how people perceive themselves as changing or growing and trying out different ways of behaving. But really, being yourself is the real oppenness and honesty.

    His family is really redneck from North Florida and his Dad is still not aknowledging that Robbie is gay though.

    It seems like I have a few friends who's Fathers are just pretending that they don't know.
    They know that everyone knows that they know. HMMM???
     
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