I found a half brother who doesn't know I exist

[Dave NoCal]

Yup...

I was adopted a week or two after being born. It was privately arranged overseas. In the mid-1980s I succeeded in contacting my birth mother who was not interested in any kind of connection and I agreed not to contact her again. My take is that I was a very big secret in her life.

In the last few months I have been thinking about the fact that I surely have biological siblings out there and started searching adoption web sites with no luck. What has been striking in looking at those sites is the number of siblings seeking the adoptee that they only recently learned existed.

Today I took a different approach and after a bit of digging around found out who my birth mother married, the names of her two children, and the address and phone number of one of them along with a couple of letters to the editor he has written. I also learned my birth mother died about sixteen years ago and that her husband is also deceased.

Now I am thinking about whether to try making contact. My thoughts are to send a discretely worded letter in which I decribe myself as "related" rather than a "half brother." This man is my only link to my biological roots. What are people's thoughts on what it might be like to suddenly discover one has a previously unsuspected half sibling? Your comments are appreciated. Thanks.

Dave

 

[THEDUDEofDestiny]

say i have some information that might interestd you, take picture of junk and send it to the sister. when she contacts you be like "surprise! you had filthy thoughts about your brother"

 

[THEDUDEofDestiny]

but no, i dont have real advice, other than id do it and good luck.

 

[helgaleena]

I would not do it, unless I needed a bone marrow transplant or something. But that is just me, and I can be somewhat antisocial with my known family too.

 

[Rammajamma771]

You have explained your situation very eloquently. I think you should send the sibling(s) a letter explaining the situation as you did above. Stress that you honored your birth mother's wishes not to contact her again while she was alive. Explain that you are sure there were good reasons why she couldn't keep you and you can live with and honor your birth mother's decision. Explain that you would like to know more about your siblings. Don't be pushy about information about your mother. Let the sibling(s) take the lead in providing information about their mother. Good luck.

 

[THEDUDEofDestiny]

I would not do it, unless I needed a bone marrow transplant or something. But that is just me, and I can be somewhat antisocial with my known family too.

yeah but you wouldnt have tracked them down in the first place. he is obviously interested in his biological roots and we only go around one time in this life so why not?

 

[Dave NoCal]

Thanks to you all who responded. Part of my motivation for possibly contacting is selfish as, to me, never having met anyone with whom I share genetic material is a loss. However, I also think that family secrets carry all kinds of baggage and that, when they are revealed without harm to the principals involved, can help explain lingering questions. It can result in people exploring reality rather than settling for pretend reality. The work of well-known family therapist Monica McGoldrick comes to mind. If I do send a letter, my plan is to keep it discreet so that he can maintain denial if he wishes.
Dave

 

[smiffy]

I don't think I would be able to not say something. Siblings are such a wonderful thing. At least try, even if he says no you can just move on and not wonder.

 

[maxcok]

Dave, you impress me as being very thoughtful and conscientious. You did a right honorable thing respecting the wishes of your birth mother while she was alive, though I think it's a bit sad she refused any contact.

The approach you described in your OP sounds about right to me, very sensitive in fact. Your birth mother is long gone, and though this revelation may be surprising and may possibly expose some family secrets, I am a believer in letting the truth come out. You can't of course predict how someone else will react, nor can you be responsible for what may be revealed. Don't let your sensitivity to your half brother supercede your own desire to make contact or deny your need to satisfy your curiosity either. I think you are entitled to pursue this.

I know if you were to contact me with this information I would be overwhelmed with curiosity. I would definitely want to communicate with you, and if that went well, I would want to meet you. I have no doubt that if you follow your instincts and trust your heart you will do the right thing. Best of luck, I hope it goes well, and let us know how it turns out in this thread.

 

[noirman]

Dave, from the tone of your post, I'd guess that the pull toward discovering your biological family is very strong, and rightly so. IMO, you're entitled to give yourself a chance at connecting with siblings. If you write and they indicate they are uncomfortable establishing a connection, you have only lost contact with people you didn't even know existed till recently and can feel good about having given it a try. The discovery of their mother's decision many years ago may or may not disrupt their lives, but probably not for long if it does. If I were they, I would reach out to you without hesitation. Good luck! (And I, too, want to praise your honor in adhering to your birth mother's wishes -- shows outstanding character)

 

[nudeyorker]

Dave I see both sides of this. I don't really have an easy answer. But I feel you need to be direct and honest or it might create more issues down the road. Frankly I would send the a letter detailing the facts that you gave us in your opening post. Your desire to reach out to your siblings might not be met with an enthusiastic response, but I hope that it is. Good Luck with this.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I have no advice to give, just a sincere hope for the best. I'm fairly impulsive, and would have poured my heart out already. I'm extremely biased, however. I spoiled my half-brother rotten. I was grown, and he was a child when I finally met him. He's one of my favorite people in the whole world, and I can't imagine never having held my tiny nephew. That's why I have no advice. My own experience getting around his mother and and building my relationship with him has had it's painful moments, but overall has been extremely rewarding. I can't even properly weigh out any negatives for the scenario. I'm too emotional about the potentially positive outcomes.

 

[B_Lightkeeper]

I'd go for it. For years (and I mean years), I did not know my Mom had been married prior to my Dad. Family kept a secret until after she died. As far as I can figure, she didn't stay married to him long. Supposed he was mean to her.
Yet, ever since I found out, I've wondered if possibly he (the first husband) was my Dad. I've never had a DNA test, nor do I need to. I look so much like my late Mom but the only Dad I've ever known, was a wonderful and providing man. He is also deceased now.

Still, if I had any other siblings I am not aware of, I'd like to know.

Good luck!

 

[DavidXL]

Dave - I can think of few greater gifts than finding out that I had a brother or sister I didn't know about. Growing up, I always wished I had a brother. What a miracle it would be to find out I really had one - and what a tragedy, I would think, if I learned at the end of my life that I had one, but he didn't feel comfortable enough to reach out to me. I don't see that there are two sides to this at all. You have the information you need to make contact. I actually think it would be wrong of you not to make contact and deprive your sibling(s) of the knowledge that their family circle is wider than they thought it was. And if they don't want to make contact, well, that's their problem and at least you won't have to wonder, "what if?" Don't worry about your birth mother now - dead people don't have privacy rights.

My uncle fathered a child when he was 14 or 15, back in the 1950s. The mother was whisked away and the child was put up for adoption. So, I have an older first cousin out there that I would like to meet (and about whom I have no information; my uncle died young, my father was only about 10 when all of this happened and doesn't know anything else). I have been on the adoption websites from time to time over the years to see if someone is looking for information on my uncle or my family, and I absolutely would reach out to someone wanting to know more and would want to have a relatonship with him/her.

Good luck to you!

 

[erratic]

All you can do is try. I think the details you provided above are enough to put together a politely-worded letter. You're not out to expose anyone, and your birth parents have passed. Sure, your birth mother didn't want to be in contact with you, but her time is over. Who knows what her children are like. And don't forget the statistics: It's unlikely that you'll have either the firey denial or glorious reunion you see in the movies. My understanding of reunions with birth families is that they're usually tentative and arms-length, and understandably so.

I've found family this way - not a brother, but family - and have to say it's a pleasant surprise, but it hasn't changed my family at all. I get a few more pictures in my inbox, a few more updates on people's lives. The reality of my family life hasn't changed much.

You mentioned, though, that the adoption was arranged overseas. Is there going to be a language barrier?

One way or the other, good luck to you.

 

[XSILVER]

A very good and close friend of mine had a guy contact her and her sister when she was 25 saying that he was her half brother and would like to meet them. She agreed and long story they are best of friends and he even got back in contact with their mutual father and was accepted with open arms. This may not be reletive to your situation but its along similar lines with a happy ending. Follow your heart and best of luck.

 

[B_curiousme01]

Dave, I would be honored to find out I had a brother like you. I think you should contact your siblings and be honest with them. The mother was "over-seas" you said and although I don't know how old you are, it hasn't been that long ago that an unwed, pregnant female was welcomed to her family with open arms-quite the opposite. Many cultures still frown on it.

Both myself and hubby each have a half brother somewhere in the world that we could not locate. Try to connect please!

I have a "half" brother and he is my brother in every sense. Reach out and see what happens. Please let us know how it turns out. Kindest regards to you and yours

 

[Dave NoCal]

Thank you so much, all of you.

Your supportive comments are helping me decide and I am leaning toward making contact. A further twist is that I inferred that my biological mother's husband had died but now am less sure. If alive, he would probabaly be around eighty years of age. And here's another point, this "half brother" is ony about a year younger than I am and, on further reflection, it seems quite possible he is actually my brother, especially since these are solid midwestern folk who have lived in the same small town all their lives, save my birth mother's "excursion." In which case, I have the possibility of knowing two brothers and, perhaps my father.
I think this is something that I need to do and have already drafted a letter but will think on it another day or so.

Erratic, no there is not a language barrier. She went on a "Year Abroad" to keep the secret.

Dave

 

[musclebare9]

I have a half-brother through my father. It appears that my father has always had problems with relationships. He was married three times with my mother being the last. My dad divorced my mother when I was 4 and basically ignored my full brother, sister and myself since. My sister and I keep contact with him and he appreciates it but he never initiates any contact himself. He is a selfish person who only thinks about himself but he is still my father and I try to maintain some kind of relationship.

I have always known that I have an older half-brother and supposedly spent some time with him when I was younger but have no memory of it. I must have been really young. About 2 years ago, I decided to contact him. He obviously knows that I exist so it is a little different. He really appreciated it and it has been life-changing for him. He has always assumed that our father forgot about him when he had his new kids because dad never contacted him either. I explained that dad treats us the same way. If you want to have a relationship with him, you have to keep it going. I got everyone together for a meal at my house and we had a great time. My father had one of the best days of his life.

I think that your plan is great. It leaves it open for your family to respond if they want to. It can be a very healing event for you if it all comes together. Good luck.

 

[B_curiousme01]

Thank you so much, all of you.

Your supportive comments are helping me decide and I am leaning toward making contact. A further twist is that I inferred that my biological mother's husband had died but now am less sure. If alive, he would probabaly be around eighty years of age. And here's another point, this "half brother" is ony about a year younger than I am and, on further reflection, it seems quite possible he is actually my brother, especially since these are solid midwestern folk who have lived in the same small town all their lives, save my birth mother's "excursion." In which case, I have the possibility of knowing two brothers and, perhaps my father.
I think this is something that I need to do and have already drafted a letter but will think on it another day or so.

Erratic, no there is not a language barrier. She went on a "Year Abroad" to keep the secret.

Dave

It's also possible she had an affair prior to marrying her husband and was sent abroad. The fact is you have some close relations who may very well wish to know you exist at the very least. Please do not let secrets by others keep you and them from each other. Her actions should not dictate your life in anyway. Set your self free and fly. Peace and love