I fucked up.

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by 7"24, Oct 15, 2011.

  1. 7"24

    7"24 Member

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    Was texting my boyfriend and he asked If I wanted to chill for a little bit and buy his friends some alcohol. I basically text him saying why I couldn't and that it was fucked up he only wanted to chill so I could buy his friends alcohol. We only get to see each other a couple days a week and it was how I was feeling at the moment. He proceeded to argue and say not to nice things. He is jealous of my female roommate I'm bi and anytime we fight he'll be like go fuck your "girlfriend". Anyways he said I have made him second guess out relationship. Which pissed me off we never fight. So I wrote back and said "I want to know why I made him second guess our relationship" and he said "were not breaking up, chill. I just need sometime.". He has had a hard time accepting liking guys as have I when we're together it's electric. When we're apart it sucks. Any advice on strained relationships, I love him. Ending things is out of the question.
     
  2. g_whiz

    g_whiz New Member

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    You didn't fuck up. You had an argument. Its inevitable. Every relationship has conflict. Knowing how to deal with them is the important thing. Think of it as an excuse to grow and ...perhaps tell him some of the things you typed...and I have a hunch it'll be fine?
     
  3. ColonialBoy

    ColonialBoy Member

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  4. B_theaussieone

    B_theaussieone New Member

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    you fucked up way back when you told him you were bi, gay/str8 people the ones who claim to be 100%, always get jealous and suspicious.
     
  5. MoociMan

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    My advice is: be honest with eachother.

    Often people (myself included) fight over stupid stuff that doesn't really matter, where in relity they are mad about other "deeper" issues. For instance he might be jealous, and then let out his frustrations and insecurities over pety thing such as you refusing to buy alcohol or whatnot. So tell him to be honest. Teach him to tell you when he is feeling jealous and make him think out what makes him jealous and why that makes him so. Then you can handle it easier. Do not tell him that what makes him jealous is stupid or not a good reason, but rather explain that his reason why it makes him jealous are mistaken (if they are mistaken - if not, you might consider either changing habits or breaking up, unless he can muster up and deal with it). For instance:

    My ex got jealous if I talked to girls. The reason why she got jealous was because she felt let down and feared that I wanted other girls. So the what was "talking to other girls" and the why was "feeling inadequacy".

    You best know how to deal with him, but I am sure that it wont be claiming to much to say that talking about your feelings (without judging or getting aggressive) is the way forward. Make sure to separate the actual feelings from the reasons for them, and both ought to be separated from what is actually the case. Be very clear about this when you talk, so you don't end up fighting over misunderstandings or feeling worthless or whatever feelings might appear.
     
  6. shard38

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    Yeah, you fucked up pretty badly. If I remember correctly from another thread he's having a hard time coming out and was bullied at school. Your relationship was more or less a secret and that put a lot of strain on it. Now he has come out to some of his friends because he wants to be with you. Have you already done the same? Now he wants you to hang out with him and his friends, bringing you into his social circles. Buying alcohol isn't the reason he wants you there, it's a way of introducing you. And you let him down. So fix it with an apologie and agree to meet his friends.
     
  7. erratic

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    First off, you didn't fuck up. You behaved like a human being and had some very human emotions. Please don't beat yourself up over it.

    Mooci and g_whiz have some very good advice - especially the bit about exploring the why of things. That's key.

    It sounds like you want to be close to him, and that's totally normal. Being close to people we care for and love - even just in close physical proximity - is good for us both mentally and physically. There's a lot of science to back that up. When you get mixed messages from him ("come over" = good; "and hang out with my friends and buy us alcohol" = wtf?) is bound to be upsetting. And it sounds like when you tell him why you're upset he gets angry.

    I'm guessing this leaves the both of you feeling angry and sad all at the same time, and generally shitty. I'm guessing this because when men get angry with a partner it's usually because they feel sad, scared, or both, underneath it all.

    To complicate things, you said he has a hard time being with a guy. Sounds like he's still dealing with the layers of shame that society, religion, culture, etc. heap on us not-straight folks. When you're already struggling with shame, feeling like you fucked up is even harder to deal with.

    My advice for you would be to explore the "why" with him. Why did you get upset with him, and why did he get upset back? Don't worry so much about the words you said - those are just the weapons our emotions use. Why did you use those words? What emotion was fueling them? It sounds like, in this example, you got upset with him because you want to be with him. Not because you were being judgmental or mean to him, but because you love him and you need to be around the people you love. So why did he get angry back? My guess is because he sensed that he let down someone he loves and that made him feel pretty shitty, too; when he felt you were getting a bit judgmental, he retaliated rather than having to sit there and feel shitty.

    Talk with him. It's not what us guys are used to doing, but try it out. If you can get to what's really motivating you, you'll find the trust in your relationship growing. So talk with him. And then have a good, sweaty fuck afterward.
     
  8. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    You would have fucked up if you'd bought a group of underage high school kids alcohol, particularly if anything had happened and it had been traced back to you. And it's entirely possible that part of the reason he got angry was because he'd told his friends you would and you embarrassed him when you didn't.

    As far as the rest of the advice I'd give you, mooci, g_whiz and erratic have covered it. :wink:
     
    #8 B_Nick8, Oct 15, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2011
  9. aninnymouse

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    You have to remember that you are 24 and he's 18. He's still in high school, and there are some things that you are going to be worlds apart on.

    I think this is one where when you're both ready, you need to sit down and have an honest conversation about the situation. Explore the whys and what caused the both of you to react the way you did.

    In any relationship that lasts longer than a couple of months, disagreements and fights happen. It's how you deal with them that plots the course of the relationship, and what it's going to be between you. You both obviously seem to be very invested in the relationship, and love each other a great deal. You both owe it to each other and yourselves to give it your best.
     
  10. Phil Ayesho

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    What?

    Under what circumstances do you invite someone to meet your friends and Buy THEM alcohol?

    If he wanted to break the ice between a gay lover and his friends who are just now finding out, why not say that?

    Why the comment about buying alcohol?


    This is what comes of texting. If he meant it in jest, its the kind of thing that would have come off a lot better in an actual voice call.

    As is... the guy comes off as a jerk who wants his boyfriend to pay for his friends to get shitfaced.


    If he makes abusive comments about your roommate, or sexuality, or other aspects... then he is either A- too insecure and/or immature to handle an actual love relationship OR B- trying to manipulate you by hitting you where you are vulnerable in order to get things his way., or escape responsibility for his own shit.


    Either way... its up to you. Demand he show at least the modicum of respect and civility he reserves for perfect strangers.
    Do not accept mistreatment from a lover, no matter what.
     
  11. Remington

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    You refused to buy other minors alcohol, yet you believe that you "fucked up" just because the kid disagrees with you obeying the law?

    And this said kid likes to take pot-shots at your sexuality, whenever he gets angry?

    Regardless, all I see, is a disagreement, which happens in relationships. Not a "fuck up".

    Like others have said, if you still want a relationship with him, have a discussion with the guy, and get shit sorted out.
     
    #11 Remington, Oct 15, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2011
  12. Luvs2Squirt

    Luvs2Squirt Active Member

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    THIS!!!!!
     
  13. 7"24

    7"24 Member

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    Thanks for all the advice guys. I definitely feel like we both miscommunicated a lot of things. He had said before he is having a hard time coming to terms with liking guys. Which is funny because he is a total bottom. I hate conflict, and I love him so much, but dont want him to feel smothered. I also don't know what "we aren't breaking up, chill. I just need some time" means. I am hoping it just means he needs time to realize how strong our feelings are for each other, and not taking time to realize he doesn't like me. This is my first legit love and boyfriend and I literally feel like I'm dying inside as I sit here waiting to hear from him. I keep trying to keep things in perspective and that if it doesn't work out it wast meant to be. But that is so hard to come to terms with, I don't want anyone else. I hate not feeling accepted and I am a person that wants to talk things out when there is a conflict. I just want all of this to work out.
     
  14. monel

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    Your problems stem less from the difference in your age than from the different stages of your lives. You are a 24 year old man presumably self sufficient and beholden to no one. You are aware of the consequences of your actions. He is a high school kid. He is full of the insecurities that position brings and needs the acceptance of his peers. The fear of coming out and being rejected terrified him. Now that he has taken steps in that direction, his having a 24 year old bf can enhance his status among his peers. You're pragmaticism stepped on that. You need to reconcile your different worlds.
     
  15. erratic

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    I think over time you'll find that enjoying bottoming and being comfortable with one's queerness have very little to do with each other :)

    I hear you, guy. My first boyfriend (and my first love) and I had a total roller-coaster of a relationship. We both had a lot to learn and a lot to get used to.

    Here's hoping things get worked out soon.
     
  16. 7"24

    7"24 Member

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    I knew someone would call me out on that :). I know him being a bottom has nothing to do with it. But I know he loves guys, and I have been in his shoes and I am just now realizing it, and I do not want him to make the same mistakes. I love him and I want him to know that and I want him to be comfortable with that. I know i can't have all these things, but that kills me. It's just a lot to learn for sure. I am trying to stay cool I had been doing a good job until yesterday :/
     
  17. erratic

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    I'm a know-it-all. I can't help it ;D

    Really, though, I hope you get some piece of mind soon. I can tell from the other threads I've seen you in that you have a good head on your shoulders (as evidenced by not buying minors alcohol - even though I think it's silly that the drinking age in the US is 21) and that you really care for your partner. Keep on being a gentleman and I'm sure that, whatever the future brings, you'll be rewarded for it.
     
  18. jump_start

    jump_start Member

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    I think this post pretty much sums it all up. There's one thing that I want to expand on:


    Specifically, I want to focus on the very first line of the OP. I have a feeling that a large portion of the conflict that ensued was directly attributable to a conversation like this taking place via text. In my opinion, this conversation should have taken place at LEAST over the phone. I can totally see how this seemingly minor conversation blew up into what it is now.

    In this day and age, people seem to be replacing real conversation with texting. Misunderstandings often times get blown WAY out of proportion because emotions and true meaning do NOT transfer via text. Been there, done that. It's a large part of the reason that my ex is now my ex; he refused to pick up the phone and talk to me, rather spend hours on end texting or IM'ing serious conversations, the ones that SHOULD be done through either phone or face to face.
     
  19. helgaleena

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    When you two guys are face to face , be sure to mention that he is not to ask you to do illegal things for him. That is not ever a good idea. Refusing is not fucking up.
     
  20. Shawn152

    Shawn152 Member

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    I can totally understand this situation. When I was 18 and a senior in High school my first BF was 28. I was just coming to terms with who I was and He was already there(and bisexual) I remember we argued a lot. He thought I was immature and I thought He was insensitive. Looking back on it I don't think the age difference was the problem we just didn't communicate well enough. He would say things to me when we were on the phone about what ever cute girl just walked past him and it drove me crazy (and I'm not a normally jealous person) or He would want to spend time together and go to the movies and I would blow him off to hang with my friends. Communication is key ! Talk it out and really listen to each other before you fly off the handle and get mad at one another. Things like this can be resolved if you try.
     
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