I hate my lover

[vibratingfinger]

I always wondered if other men were like this but never bothered to asked any of them. When I cum it's great. But only for about 1 minute. Immediately after that I begin to dislike myself and my partner. I have no idea why I react this way? It last for about 10 to 15 minutes and then I'm into it again.

It has always pretty much been this way. I remember I started masturbating way too soon. Living in a religious community and without proper sex education I for whatever reason felt guilty about pleasuring myself. But that didn't last long. When I was 13 or 14 I figured out on my own that masturbation was normal and I should not feel badly about it. Somehow though that feeling right after orgasm never left me. And when I started fucking other people this feeling of general disgust was escaleted to include them.

I know this can merely be a psychological mechanism that's unique to me but I do sometimes wonder if there is an evolutionary purpose for this and whether other men react similarly. Could I have been programed to distance myself from my partner so that I don't become too attached and continue my mating transgressions with other partners? Afterall for most of their history humans were not monogamous. Women for the most part seem the exact opposite. Although I have been with girls who'd like kick back and have a smoke after they cum most of them seem to enjoy some intense cuddling action following an orgams. And then there is me absolutely hating it and not knowing why trying to pretend I'm enjoying the moment. They wanna hold on to you and you just wanna remove yourself from the scene ASAP. If I wait it out I'll be back into it pretty quickly. Maybe it's just a reloading function.

What are you thoughts and experiences?

 

[TheRob]

it's definatly something you need to talk about
you probubly need a therapist

 

[vibratingfinger]

I mean it's not a big deal but if it didn't happen I'd enjoy sex a whole lot more.

 

[Aitch]

I used to hate my (now ex)husband like that too. He ended up trying to kill me & then himself. Let that be a lesson to you!

 

[crescendo69]

I've been with all types; some wanna cuddle, some can't wait to smoke or "clean up", these being men of course. But you do seem to have some issues with guilt. Maybe some professional counseling could help, I don't know. I tend to like cuddling, but sometimes the urge to pee or my schedule gets in the way.

You don't really hate your lover, do you?

 

[B_ScaredLittleBoy]

You probably feel guilt or shame. Do you feel 'dirty' or otherwise bad after you masturbate on your own? It's probably due to your religious upbringing.

There is some info on The Ultimate Male Masturbation Resource on this issue. Basically it says don't feel bad, masturbation and sex are both natural, normal and very pleasurable :smile:

What goes through your mind when you 'hate' your lover? Do you think "you slut, how could you have sex with me [outside of marriage or something]". Really, you should be thinking 'thanks for that amazing orgasm'.

 

[silvertriumph2]

Hi VF:
I don't know your age, but I think you are just not ready for a steady relationship and your are mentally pushing the possibility away. Also, a very religious upbringing many times views intimacy and showing effection for another as taboo. This is unfortunate, since it causes an inability to enjoy the warmth of touching, showing effection, and true intimacy which is necessary for a healthy relationship with others.

A strict religious background may have something to do with it and the thought that you are "spilling your seed needlessly." You may just be
transferring the "blame" for that "bad thing" onto the partner.

If your started masturbating to porn when you were young, and enjoying it that way before having a real partner available, you may be unable to be really "intimate" and still view cumming as bad and again, transferring that blame to another. I had this same problem when I finally had a real live person to be sexual with. I took a while to adjust to intimacy rather than the detached self sex using porm.

I wish you well, and hope you can eventually see sex with another as a good thing. Good Luck.

 

[vibratingfinger]

Scaredlittleboy,

Yes I feel bad when I masturbate too. I can't really explain it because there isn't much going through my head. It's more like a mood. I'm in a hating mood. Maybe I do feel a little dirty but not the I need to go wash myself dirty. I tend to become very mechanical and logical too. If there is something I need to do later I feel like I need to get right on to it. it's a rush. And then after 15 minutes passes I'm horny again.

 

[BurningVenus]

"cuz she can't be lean
an old ugly bitch
does the brainless switch
to be a size queen"



OK, I'm gonna go out a limb here and say that your signature about fat, ugly, old, brainless bitches, shows you have very serious hostility against women. either that, or you're trolling.

That's all I'm gonna say about this.

 

[vibratingfinger]

Hi VF:
I don't know your age, but I think you are just not ready for a steady relationship and your are mentally pushing the possibility away. Also, a very religious upbringing many times views intimacy and showing effection for another as taboo. This is unfortunate, since it causes an inability to enjoy the warmth of touching, showing effection, and true intimacy which is necessary for a healthy relationship with others.

A strict religious background may have something to do with it and the thought that you are "spilling your seed needlessly." You may just be
transferring the "blame" for that "bad thing" onto the partner.

If your started masturbating to porn when you were young, and enjoying it that way before having a real partner available, you may be unable to be really "intimate" and still view cumming as bad and again, transferring that blame to another. I had this same problem when I finally had a real live person to be sexual with. I took a while to adjust to intimacy rather than the detached self sex using porm.

I wish you well, and hope you can eventually see sex with another as a good thing. Good Luck.

You make some good points.
My parental upbringing wasn't religious at all. My parents were very relaxed and non-practicing. They only carried the muslim label. But the community and the environment I was living in was very religious. I mean friends, relatives, TV and school. I myself decided at an early age that I was never going to be muslim not even as label.

And I don't really hate sex. I love sex. Can't get enough of it. It's just a short passing phase during sex that's the problem. My general attitude towards sex and masturbation is very positive.

 

[mww]

While all the responses above are true, there is also an important chemical aspect to keep in mind. Unlike women, during an orgasm, men are releasing a huge amount of testosterone. This weakens us both emotionally and physically, in some more than others.

The brief hormonal inbalance (as you stated, about 10 minutes) can manifest itself differently in men, ranging from depression to euphoria. The dramatic emotional change you outlined is normal.

On the other hand, the severe level of guilt and resentment you feel is abnormal for the average adult male. There seems to be some underlying guilt and resentment you've been harboring since childhood, as is sometimes the case in children of highly religious families.

Discussing this with an acredited therapist seems to be the overwhelming suggestion here. And it's a excellent recommendation. The insight you'll gain from therapy will not only aid you in more enjoyable sex but an overall better self image as well.

Good luck!

 

[vibratingfinger]

"cuz she can't be lean
an old ugly bitch
does the brainless switch
to be a size queen"



OK, I'm gonna go out a limb here and say that your signature about fat, ugly, old, brainless bitches, shows you have very serious hostility against women. either that, or you're trolling.

That's all I'm gonna say about this.

I can see how that can be preceived as insulting but you are unaware of the context. It's an old signature. It's not about any person in particular but rather something a person said. And the person who said this is not a woman at all. Or at least as far as I know. This man does not contribute to this site but frequents it. This troubled soul knows who he is and got the message. So I'll remove the signature.

 

[Principessa]

I used to hate my (now ex)husband like that too. He ended up trying to kill me & then himself. Let that be a lesson to you!

YIKES! I'm sorry to hear that. . . .but how does that help the OP?

You probably feel guilt or shame. Do you feel 'dirty' or otherwise bad after you masturbate on your own? It's probably due to your religious upbringing.

There is some info on The Ultimate Male Masturbation Resource on this issue. Basically it says don't feel bad, masturbation and sex are both natural, normal and very pleasurable :smile:

What goes through your mind when you 'hate' your lover? Do you think "you slut, how could you have sex with me [outside of marriage or something]". Really, you should be thinking 'thanks for that amazing orgasm'.

SLB is correct, you need some major modification in your thinking.

Scaredlittleboy,

Yes I feel bad when I masturbate too. I can't really explain it because there isn't much going through my head. It's more like a mood. I'm in a hating mood. Maybe I do feel a little dirty but not the I need to go wash myself dirty. I tend to become very mechanical and logical too. If there is something I need to do later I feel like I need to get right on to it. it's a rush. And then after 15 minutes passes I'm horny again.

I hate to repeat what everone else has said, but you must seek professional help to deal with this.

 

[silvertriumph2]

You make some good points.
My parental upbringing wasn't religious at all. My parents were very relaxed and non-practicing. They only carried the muslim label. But the community and the environment I was living in was very religious. I mean friends, relatives, TV and school. I myself decided at an early age that I was never going to be muslim not even as label.

And I don't really hate sex. I love sex. Can't get enough of it. It's just a short passing phase during sex that's the problem. My general attitude towards sex and masturbation is very positive.

Most religions, and their various divisions, and especially whole communities, have set these rules and beliefs, which I believe are man made, and through the centuries they have caused great harm to many.
I was brought up in a part of the US that is very fundamentalist in belief and which was very repressive. Any talk, or even thoughts, of sex or
showing effection for another human being (even relatives, children and spouses was frowned upon. No wonder people have problems relating to one another.

I am glad to hear that you "don't really hate sex" and your "general attitude towards sex and masturbation is very positive", but I think that
is not your problem. I think your problem is one of not being able to
believe you are doing something that is not "bad or sinfull" which makes it impossible for you to fully enjoy sex or masturbating after you orgasm. And, I also believe that you unable to enjoy that good feeling about youself and your partner after having had sex. You still have that old
feeling of "it's wrong" even though it only last a short time.

In order for you to have a complete and fulfilling binding with another,
you need to get over this. Otherwise you will never have a normal and fully satisfying relationship. Maybe, as it has been said, you should
seek counselling. I have done it and it was a great help.
I recommend it. :smile:

Good Luck, my friend.

 

[wldhoney]

I would say it's definitely tied into your religious background. My husband grew up this way, and I have SO MANY friends who feel guilt when having sex or masturbating, even when they are married. That you become "mechanical and logical" sounds like a way of distancing yourself from the act and your partner once the physical part is over, and that you not only see yourself as having done something wrong, but the woman as well. You may even have some resentment or anger at them that for "allowing" it to happen.

For some reason religion, especially one that is tied into Christianity, places shame on sex despite the Bible having some very sexual and erotic passages. When a child learns to associate sex with being dirty and wrong, those feeling follow them into their adulthood and the older they get the harder it is to change.

I have a female friend who grew up this way, and when she became sexually aware she used sex as a way to rebel against the strictures of her upbringing, and then as a way to feel loved. However, she never orgasmed and didn't really enjoy it. She tried therapy thru her church, which ended up being a mistake. Because of the religious beliefs, the therapist had their own agenda. She is now seeing someone who is not affiliated with any religion and is having to learn how she things about sex from the beginning. Parents can really f*** up their kids.

Unless you can find a way to accept your sexuality on your own and not judge yourself or fear the judgement of others, I would say you will probably need to talk with a therapist.

 

[Osiris]

For once, I am going to have to take a stance against what I am seeing from people I usually agree with. The problem here is not religion, but organized religion. It is the collective guilt that causes these things in people from my experience. My wife went through it in her Mormon upbringing. It's even worse when your parents are leaders of the community.

I grew up in a family composed of Southern Baptists, AMEs, Catholics, and Episcopalians (AKA Religiously Mutt). We attended church sometimes, but were not big in communal worship. We always had faith and the one reigning factor in our upbringing is that faith was personal and God was within you (Eva touched on this in the Michael Vick facing prison for animal cruelty? thread). It was up to me to make what I did of faith. As an adult, I sat in on several faiths and decided on Catholicism. I am now very big in the church and a leader in my community, but I do not have any hang ups about sex, I truly love my wife, we have a good sex life, I orgasm, I enjoy sex and derive great pleasure from it in all it's forms. Our children have been taught the way we were raised. When the time comes, they can decide to follow into our faith, pick another, or not pick one at all. We just want them to have that strength of a guiding force. Whether it be God, The Earth Mother, etc. As long as you are strong, in the personal sense, in your faith, no one can harm you. You don't need a building, commune, or a whole parish to tell you your morale set. If you have God, he guides you and that is how I feel and how I will always teach children in my upkeep to feel.

I truly feel for you. You have been affected by a very strict religious system and it happens all the time. Someone else said it, you should consult a therapist and unlock the chains that are binding you from your communally religious past. Until you can find your true inner peace, any mate you have will be nothing more than a breathing blow up doll. The fact that you can openly say this in a public forum shows you have the desire to change this cycle.

I am pulling for you to overcome this. Life is too short to be unhappy. Sexually or any other way.

I bid you peace and hope you get the peace you desire.

 

[sbeBen]

Vibrating finger, I could not believe it when I read your thread! I have had the same feelings as you. When having sex with girlfriend and also after masturbation (it'smostly guilt and total lack of interest in sex with masturbation). I also found it quite disturbing. I'm also used to it now aswell and I have actually put it down to as you say "refuelling". I heard most men want to go to sleep after sex and I suppose it's similar to this. I detgest cuddling after sex. Sorry girls. Any othern time is great. These feelingn of slight hatred and guilt also disappear quickly. That's why I put it down to sex hormones and "refuelling".

I don't think you need councelling unless it's really getting to you.

 

[whatireallywant]

I think a lot of us are pretty much saying the same thing, really, that it isn't religion per se, but fundamentalist religion, that messes up people's minds about sex.

I grew up with this, too. Most of my family is still fundamentalist. It's kind of surprising that I'm as open about sex as I am, although I still have some shyness issues due to my upbringing (although you wouldn't know it from here! :biggrin1: )

 

[wldhoney]

Good reminder, Osiris. There is a thread here, though I can't remember the title, where I express my views on how I feel about organized religion vs. faith. So many people take the word of those who preach the loudest, never stopping to think that there is a personal agenda and a monetary influence that influences what they sell to their followers. The never stop to develop, a personal relationship within their faith and often miss the path that is for them.

 

[vibratingfinger]

I hate to repeat what everone else has said, but you must seek professional help to deal with this.

Unless you can find a way to accept your sexuality on your own and not judge yourself or fear the judgement of others, I would say you will probably need to talk with a therapist.

thanks for the comments. Do you think I should be honest with my girlfriend and tell her about the way I feel? Wouldn't that be very disappointing if someone told you they felt disgusted with you however brief as that phase it may be? She always grabs my head and rests it on her chest after I cum. I feel terrible because obviously she's trying to be very intimate and I'm there feeling the exact opposite of how I should feeling at that moment. It's frustrating.