I can't even admit to myself that I am gay. None of my friends, family, or anyone I know is gay and they all treat it like it is a disease. It's wrong and I've been fed this my whole life and right now I cannot cope with it. Every time I get drunk, high, I am afraid I'll slip so I cannot even really enjoy myself when I get out. I am naturally a manly man but inside I know I am still attracted to older men but even somedays I will be attracted to woman. Some days I just pray for hours and think about my life if I wasn't gay. I hate myself right now. I really do.