Hi. You got some nice responces, and some decent advice. As I was in the same exact situation as you, I'll add this:
Don't feel guilty for hating yourself. You don't need any more guilt, and with your background and lack of support, ANYONE would feel the same way. You're just being honest and admitting it. And, even though it's the worst feeling in the world, you feeling it (rather than sublimating it) and admitting it publically, "to the world" here on the internet, will actually help lessen that feeling. It may not go away completely, or it might, but it will lessen greatly, so that you can function like the rest of us. Like one of the posters advised: HANG ON. When you're 18, time is your friend. It's merciful and will bring you things to alleviate your pain, and lessen your family's influence.
My family considered being gay the same as being a Satanist, a pedophile, and a cannibal. When you're exposed to that from infancy to adulthood, you're going to feel it deeply, even if you don't agree with them. I never got along with my father or brother. Just my mother. And she was the worst of the three on that subject!
When I'd think impartially about being gay I came to the conclusion that it's a mixed bag. I'll never have a traditional family, or fit in, like my family. But I won't have the pressure of supporting a family, either. And the feeling of being with someone you're physically attracted to feels so good, that it can't be bad. Any pleasure you can get in this tough life is hard won and, therefore, well deserved. You may not feel that you deserve any pleasure or reward, but just having conscience enough to feel as guilty as you do, and suffering over it is your pass. There is a majority who SHOULD feel guilty about something nasty they did (for their actions, not for what they are; unless they're an asshole
but never will. Charles Manson comes to mind. And he's bi!
This last piece of unsolicited wisdom is the most important because it's true, and you'll never read it anywhere else. Don't believe this very popular piece of bullshit:
"How can you truly love someone if you can't love yourself?"
That doesn't even make sense. But, well-meaning people say this all the time. Just don't let these "philosophers" convince you you're even more fucked up than you are.
If someone didn't post that to you, they will. The answer is: very easily. That's like asking how can you like the taste of carrots if you hate the taste of spinach? Two different veggies, two different people. I'm telling you this so you don't think you'll have to get yourself together before you can enjoy the comforts of a relationship. There are enough narcicists in the world, especially on the male side.
Please keep us, pardon the expression, "abreast" of your activities for the next couple of weeks at least, ok? Half of us are scared for you, and the other half wanna date you. Any positive interest is good I think. Happy New Year! ;p
