I hate myself for being gay.
- Thread starter mymilkshakez
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mymilkshakez,
Not even knowing you, I hurt so much for you right now :frown1:
It's almost exactly how I felt at your age and for a long time after. I could have written that message.
Please know that you are an awesome person. You know the good traits that you have?...Those are because of who you are, not who you think others think you should be.
Man, I just want to sit down with you and run you through my life. I want to show you how much I punished and hated myself, fighting my same sex attraction the whole way because everyone said it was WRONG!! Then I want to show you the day I said to myself "I'm a good person and I like men too". It was physically a huge turning point. Many of my anxieties and much of my depression actually disappeared.
I want to show you my life today, where because I didn't limit myself to who I could love, I found the most awesome partner in life that one could ask for.
As cliche' as it may be, I want to tell you that it's ok and it gets so much better when you accept yourself, and allow yourself to be who you are, in front of God and EVERYONE!
I can't find the words that I want to say to you, to help you avoid wasting any portion of your life with self hatred, and find the happinessand fulfillment that's just right around the corner.
I wanted to add, while you do feel alone right now, find someone that you can trust, even if it's on here. Talk with them, open up and you'll find you are only alone if you choose to be :grouphug:
I know that we don't know each other, but sincerely, if you ever need or want to talk, pm me!!
To those that say "Get over it". You can't! It's just not that easy. I've lived it and am past it, I know.
To those that suggest going out and meeting other "gays". That's just it, if you're having trouble accepting yourself, how much are you going to want to seek it out?
It's hard enough when you accept that you're gay to know how to handle it, seems insurpassable when you don't want to be.
Not even knowing you, I hurt so much for you right now :frown1:
It's almost exactly how I felt at your age and for a long time after. I could have written that message.
Please know that you are an awesome person. You know the good traits that you have?...Those are because of who you are, not who you think others think you should be.
Man, I just want to sit down with you and run you through my life. I want to show you how much I punished and hated myself, fighting my same sex attraction the whole way because everyone said it was WRONG!! Then I want to show you the day I said to myself "I'm a good person and I like men too". It was physically a huge turning point. Many of my anxieties and much of my depression actually disappeared.
I want to show you my life today, where because I didn't limit myself to who I could love, I found the most awesome partner in life that one could ask for.
As cliche' as it may be, I want to tell you that it's ok and it gets so much better when you accept yourself, and allow yourself to be who you are, in front of God and EVERYONE!
I can't find the words that I want to say to you, to help you avoid wasting any portion of your life with self hatred, and find the happinessand fulfillment that's just right around the corner.
I wanted to add, while you do feel alone right now, find someone that you can trust, even if it's on here. Talk with them, open up and you'll find you are only alone if you choose to be :grouphug:
I know that we don't know each other, but sincerely, if you ever need or want to talk, pm me!!
To those that say "Get over it". You can't! It's just not that easy. I've lived it and am past it, I know.
To those that suggest going out and meeting other "gays". That's just it, if you're having trouble accepting yourself, how much are you going to want to seek it out?
It's hard enough when you accept that you're gay to know how to handle it, seems insurpassable when you don't want to be.
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There is a reason why this site is called what it is, and that is "Support". Please take good care of yourself. You have a good and precious life ahead of you. Thank you for expressing your feelings. You are very courageous.
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I think that everyone has given you pretty solid advice, but I'll share a bit of my story.
I was in the EXACT place you were in at 19, I hated myself for liking guys. In fact, I hated myself since I was in 5th grade, because I knew I liked guys too.
My dad told me at a young age that if I ever told him I liked guys, he would disown me. For my entire life, my parents would make terrible slurs against gays, and they told me constantly how wrong it was, and I felt like I was a terrible person.
When I moved away to college two years ago I had a traumatic event happen with a roommate of mine, and I blamed myself for a lot of it, even though it had nothing to do with me, and I sought help from a counselor. Eventually we started talking about my same sex attraction, and after a year, I decided that it was time to embrace my sexuality.
I had known for a long, long time that I was bi, but I was afraid to admit it, and I couldn't even say it out loud. I felt so free once I did though. I started looking into the dating world, and seeing if there were any guys I could possibly date, but none of them stuck out to me, or particularly made me feel like, "yeah, this is worth it." That is, until I met my boyfriend, who has been quite possibly the most amazing thing that's ever happened to my life.
After coming out, I faced a lot of hardships with my family, but once I was able to admit everything, and let it all out, I felt so free, so safe, so much of me was lighter emotionally, and I felt physically better, I was no longer suicidal, and I no longer hated myself.
I can say from personal experience that if you already are aware that this is who you are, but you can't say it out loud, I would recommend seeing a counselor or therapist, granted, you should see one who will accept you openly, not a church counselor or religious one who will condemn you and tell you to pray away the gay. My counselor was a Christian, and he helped me integrate my faith and my sexuality, and he did it in a way that helped me rather than the same thing everyone in my life had been doing for me since I realized my sexuality years ago.
I would just want to encourage you to seek out help, and find a support base. Don't go crazy, and don't try to jump the gun. You should really, honestly, do soul searching and find out what you want, and what will make you the happiest.
You don't get to choose your sexuality, but you do get to choose how you feel about it.
My heart goes out to you friend.
Good luck.
I was in the EXACT place you were in at 19, I hated myself for liking guys. In fact, I hated myself since I was in 5th grade, because I knew I liked guys too.
My dad told me at a young age that if I ever told him I liked guys, he would disown me. For my entire life, my parents would make terrible slurs against gays, and they told me constantly how wrong it was, and I felt like I was a terrible person.
When I moved away to college two years ago I had a traumatic event happen with a roommate of mine, and I blamed myself for a lot of it, even though it had nothing to do with me, and I sought help from a counselor. Eventually we started talking about my same sex attraction, and after a year, I decided that it was time to embrace my sexuality.
I had known for a long, long time that I was bi, but I was afraid to admit it, and I couldn't even say it out loud. I felt so free once I did though. I started looking into the dating world, and seeing if there were any guys I could possibly date, but none of them stuck out to me, or particularly made me feel like, "yeah, this is worth it." That is, until I met my boyfriend, who has been quite possibly the most amazing thing that's ever happened to my life.
After coming out, I faced a lot of hardships with my family, but once I was able to admit everything, and let it all out, I felt so free, so safe, so much of me was lighter emotionally, and I felt physically better, I was no longer suicidal, and I no longer hated myself.
I can say from personal experience that if you already are aware that this is who you are, but you can't say it out loud, I would recommend seeing a counselor or therapist, granted, you should see one who will accept you openly, not a church counselor or religious one who will condemn you and tell you to pray away the gay. My counselor was a Christian, and he helped me integrate my faith and my sexuality, and he did it in a way that helped me rather than the same thing everyone in my life had been doing for me since I realized my sexuality years ago.
I would just want to encourage you to seek out help, and find a support base. Don't go crazy, and don't try to jump the gun. You should really, honestly, do soul searching and find out what you want, and what will make you the happiest.
You don't get to choose your sexuality, but you do get to choose how you feel about it.
My heart goes out to you friend.
Good luck.
dong-in-khakis
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You've heard some great advice young man.
Hold your head up, most other people whether you know it or not are to some extent bi and gay. Many just don't live it outwardly. There are tons of married men and women gay too. Don't ever fool yourself, some of your best friends too. You'd be surprised.
I'm sure you've heard it before, even though there are a lot of 100% str8 people in the world, percentage wise there aren't many.
Don't beat yourself up, I'm sure you're a great guy.
Hold your head up, most other people whether you know it or not are to some extent bi and gay. Many just don't live it outwardly. There are tons of married men and women gay too. Don't ever fool yourself, some of your best friends too. You'd be surprised.
I'm sure you've heard it before, even though there are a lot of 100% str8 people in the world, percentage wise there aren't many.
Don't beat yourself up, I'm sure you're a great guy.
I'll be a little different and say there's no guarantee that any decision you make will necessarily lead to happiness. What's right for one person may not necessarily be right for another. Don't let anyone tell you what will make you feel better or what you should do to make your life more pleasant. Those are questions only you can answer. That said, if being gay is hateful to you, you can hate certain aspects of who you are while still loving yourself. You are more than what turns you on sexually.
- CUBE,
So much good advice. Little bro can you feel the love. Dude, you are the chosen! You don't want to be this way and yet, trust me, in the end you will say thank god I was put together this way. You will see life deeper. Love deeper. Value others deeper than other people on this planet because you are unique. I wish I could just drop this thought in your head and make your pain go away. You are worth while. Sexuality is just a genetic thing like having blue eyes. Others may have programmed you to think it is wrong but it is not. It is just what it is. You will have a good life. You will have love. You will have happiness. Start enjoying you. You don't have to tell the family all your thoughts. Wait until you are stable in the world and make sure you are always protective of yourself. My very best to you on this journey. Big hug little bro.
I don't know how gay you are really, as you're still so young (sexuality for some is quite malleable over time).
My only advice:
1) You're not alone (zillions and zillions of gays and bis out there)
2) Find a support network online where you can chat with boys with the same issues (you're only ready when you're ready to tell your family/others if you feel they need to know)
2) Learn to accept who you are and not to be ashamed of it. Even if you don't like being gay, you can learn to embrace it and come to see it as something you that makes a you a man of integrity, strength and courage (nothing better).
My only advice:
1) You're not alone (zillions and zillions of gays and bis out there)
2) Find a support network online where you can chat with boys with the same issues (you're only ready when you're ready to tell your family/others if you feel they need to know)
2) Learn to accept who you are and not to be ashamed of it. Even if you don't like being gay, you can learn to embrace it and come to see it as something you that makes a you a man of integrity, strength and courage (nothing better).
Until the last part of last year I thought myself as straight even though I never really felt romantically for ANYBODY same sex or otherwise. Then this past year my heart throbbed for somebody in a really special way....who was also male. This flipped my world entirely feeling these feelings for someone for the first time AND they were the same sex even though I figured I was straight. I was in struggle with it like you are now on who to tell how to tell them I am Bisexual and when. Some people I'm still trying to figure the best way but in due time. I can't say I was self hating about it but I could not come to terms with myself if it was just a one time possibility or something that could happen more. I finally came to the conclusion that sexuality is determinable for one's personal possibility for attraction to a person of the same or opposite sex. If you will for me I figured that since the possibility is obviously there for me that I couls feel something ROMANTICALLY for either sex that I am Bisexual. It was a pretty long process of self acceptance and I feel its still going on. I went through first considering bicuriosity even before saying I was bisexual on a personal level. Once you get to the point where you can say it to yourself you are good but you were able to come to a forum and come out to lots of people you don't particularly know and I say that's a damn good step too one that I went through as well. Its a process not an overnight thing just feel comfortable knowing you are still the same person you've always been you just have a new realization about yourself and you must find your own way to come to terms with it but it doesn't hurt to hear others' advice that have gone through this similiar stuff before. Best wishes for you and feel free to PM me.
Hey man....the thing is...American society is what make you FEEL as though you have to LABEL yourself as one way or another. It is NOBODY"S business what you do in your sex life. Please be cautious about labeling yourself as "gay." You may very well be bisexual. Once you label yourself and do this big dramatic "coming out" crap that American society thinks is a good thing, you are robbing yourself of the opportunity to change your mind, be married to a woman who may be cool with your being bi --- and I mean a woman with whom you can have your OWN, biological children someday. DO NOT LISTEN to gay guys who think you need to "come out" and all that drama. Kepp your bi desires to yourself for now. Give yourself time to decide what YOU want in your life. And do not feel guilty for not blabbing your business to everyone because you don't owe anyone an explination man. just have fun and be safe and be open to relationships whether they be with a male or a female. Take it easy man....and don't stress about this. Most men have bi thoughts and some studies say over 75% of American men have played with a male....And finally, love yourself. Be loveable to others. And find your spiritual peace soon. Your life me be much more fulfilling 
bimetaldude
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i too felt this way for years. hiding from my friends and family. some good posts here that i agree on 100%. this board is filled with great people from all walks of life
You've had to be strong in the face of an impending storm for quite a while now I imagine. Keeping such a big part of who you entirely to yourself is no easy task in regards to either the necessary secrecy or the self suppression. Thus, considering how long you've been actively undertaking this task - and before I make any other points - I want you to recognize your own strength of self and conscious. Look at all you've gotten through knowing that you are here thanks to yourself. Acknowledging your achievements can only strengthen your self-confidence in the future. Now I want you to take a deep breath in on a five count, hold it for one, and let it out on a ten count. Do this five times.
You are strong. You are evidence of that. Your very presence here on this forum demonstrates that you recognize the various traits of your sexuality, so don't actively worry yourself about who you are. What's more, if labeling or defining your feelings towards the same or opposite sex helps, feel free to do it. However, your feelings come from your most inner self and they often know you better than you do. So don't label yourself as anything you aren't truly feeling. And the other difficult thing about our feelings - our emotions - is that they fluctuate constantly. The core of how we feel remains very stable but a great deal just changes with the wind, don't let this throw you off though. Just because you are attracted to girls one day and guys on the other doesn't mean that you can't be attracted to both. Now I don't want to be redundant and repeat everything that all these caring people have said so I'll keep it simple and tell you my own story...
When I was eleven I had my first acknowledgeable feelings for another guy. I say "acknowledgeable" because before that age I don't really remember being able to name what I was feeling beyond saying "I like so-and-so." He was the same age as me but was never clearly interested in reciprocating my feelings of "like". I was confused because I had been told by society that boys liked girls very clearly, but because of my parents' buddhist-agnosticism I was never told anything at all about the other half of the equation. Ultimately, I pursued my curiosity to our old friend Google and asked what it meant to like other guys. It used to be that the Wikipedia article was one of the results on the first page but that has since changed as has the content of the article, but it named my feelings and gave me context for them and that was what I needed. I knew that there was a large, very vocal community out there of people like me and to this day I take great comfort in that fact.
As a young teenager I was exceedingly stubborn about my "rights" within the household and my opinions on my standing with my parents. But I had by this time, when I was about thirteen, read up on this community to which I belonged and knew that there were horror stories out there. I didn't want to be thrown out of my home or disowned or suffer any other 'punishment' for who I was. So I had stayed quiet. As you know, bottling yourself up for too long is incredibly hard on the bottler. I personally had several nervous breakdowns which, coupled with my ADHD, caused my parents to seek help from my Aunts and Uncles as I and my siblings were among the last children born in the family. One day, in either the spring or perhaps the fall, when the weather was crisp and light as it is on the perfect day that only happens once a season, my parents gave me to my Aunt C. and her daughter K. for a day trip into Philadelphia. K is the oldest child in the family and was already studying pre-med by that point at a university in Philadelphia so she met us at the train station when we arrived. My Uncle M. merely drove us to our local platform so it was just my Aunt C and I on the train for the hour long ride. We mostly talked about unimportant things: school, music, the day ahead of us etc. But there came a point where that part I had been bottling up rebelled against the concept of avoiding who I was with yet another family member for what I had thought could have had to have been the rest of my life. So without thinking I told her there was something very important that I had to tell her. We had both been quiet for about 10 minutes by this point so even my own voice startled me when I spoke, "I think I'm gay." was all that I said. Yet it felt as though I couldn't breathe, I was panicked, not understanding how I managed to say those five words and terrified of their consequences. What she said in response is something I will never forget because before she said a word she started smiling like only an Aunt can, "We've known since you were about three." I almost immediately thought I'd pass out from the overwhelming feelings of relief, happiness, and safety. She went on to tell me that while her husband, her daughter, and she herself had felt that I was gay for all that time, that she had not said anything to my parents, but that she and her family would support me no matter what my parents did, and that they would always love me absolutely, regardless of the future.
I went on to come out in my all boys Catholic middle school, and thereby come out to my parents indirectly as my brother went to the same school at the same time as me. My parents, after mourning the loss of their ideal, first-born son, came to accept me after two years or so. And although what happened in those two years is something never forgotten, I love them none-the-less as they love me. I can't tell you that coming out as I have is the right path for you to take because I don't know the ins and outs of your life. However, I want my story to demonstrate that you will find that there are people who love you regardless of who you are. They are undoubtedly already in your life and would be the first people to come and tell you that they'll be there to support you no matter who you love. Hopefully, and in truth this is fairly common, they may already know and are just waiting for you to share your realization with them. In the end, whatever hurts and pains you suffer from this awful predicament will heal. Your wounds may scar, but remember, Time will always heal them.
I wish you all the luck in the world and lots and lots of love,
RawrRawrRocco <3
P.S. Don't forget to breathe
You are strong. You are evidence of that. Your very presence here on this forum demonstrates that you recognize the various traits of your sexuality, so don't actively worry yourself about who you are. What's more, if labeling or defining your feelings towards the same or opposite sex helps, feel free to do it. However, your feelings come from your most inner self and they often know you better than you do. So don't label yourself as anything you aren't truly feeling. And the other difficult thing about our feelings - our emotions - is that they fluctuate constantly. The core of how we feel remains very stable but a great deal just changes with the wind, don't let this throw you off though. Just because you are attracted to girls one day and guys on the other doesn't mean that you can't be attracted to both. Now I don't want to be redundant and repeat everything that all these caring people have said so I'll keep it simple and tell you my own story...
When I was eleven I had my first acknowledgeable feelings for another guy. I say "acknowledgeable" because before that age I don't really remember being able to name what I was feeling beyond saying "I like so-and-so." He was the same age as me but was never clearly interested in reciprocating my feelings of "like". I was confused because I had been told by society that boys liked girls very clearly, but because of my parents' buddhist-agnosticism I was never told anything at all about the other half of the equation. Ultimately, I pursued my curiosity to our old friend Google and asked what it meant to like other guys. It used to be that the Wikipedia article was one of the results on the first page but that has since changed as has the content of the article, but it named my feelings and gave me context for them and that was what I needed. I knew that there was a large, very vocal community out there of people like me and to this day I take great comfort in that fact.
As a young teenager I was exceedingly stubborn about my "rights" within the household and my opinions on my standing with my parents. But I had by this time, when I was about thirteen, read up on this community to which I belonged and knew that there were horror stories out there. I didn't want to be thrown out of my home or disowned or suffer any other 'punishment' for who I was. So I had stayed quiet. As you know, bottling yourself up for too long is incredibly hard on the bottler. I personally had several nervous breakdowns which, coupled with my ADHD, caused my parents to seek help from my Aunts and Uncles as I and my siblings were among the last children born in the family. One day, in either the spring or perhaps the fall, when the weather was crisp and light as it is on the perfect day that only happens once a season, my parents gave me to my Aunt C. and her daughter K. for a day trip into Philadelphia. K is the oldest child in the family and was already studying pre-med by that point at a university in Philadelphia so she met us at the train station when we arrived. My Uncle M. merely drove us to our local platform so it was just my Aunt C and I on the train for the hour long ride. We mostly talked about unimportant things: school, music, the day ahead of us etc. But there came a point where that part I had been bottling up rebelled against the concept of avoiding who I was with yet another family member for what I had thought could have had to have been the rest of my life. So without thinking I told her there was something very important that I had to tell her. We had both been quiet for about 10 minutes by this point so even my own voice startled me when I spoke, "I think I'm gay." was all that I said. Yet it felt as though I couldn't breathe, I was panicked, not understanding how I managed to say those five words and terrified of their consequences. What she said in response is something I will never forget because before she said a word she started smiling like only an Aunt can, "We've known since you were about three." I almost immediately thought I'd pass out from the overwhelming feelings of relief, happiness, and safety. She went on to tell me that while her husband, her daughter, and she herself had felt that I was gay for all that time, that she had not said anything to my parents, but that she and her family would support me no matter what my parents did, and that they would always love me absolutely, regardless of the future.
I went on to come out in my all boys Catholic middle school, and thereby come out to my parents indirectly as my brother went to the same school at the same time as me. My parents, after mourning the loss of their ideal, first-born son, came to accept me after two years or so. And although what happened in those two years is something never forgotten, I love them none-the-less as they love me. I can't tell you that coming out as I have is the right path for you to take because I don't know the ins and outs of your life. However, I want my story to demonstrate that you will find that there are people who love you regardless of who you are. They are undoubtedly already in your life and would be the first people to come and tell you that they'll be there to support you no matter who you love. Hopefully, and in truth this is fairly common, they may already know and are just waiting for you to share your realization with them. In the end, whatever hurts and pains you suffer from this awful predicament will heal. Your wounds may scar, but remember, Time will always heal them.
I wish you all the luck in the world and lots and lots of love,
RawrRawrRocco <3
P.S. Don't forget to breathe
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Hey man....the thing is...American society is what make you FEEL as though you have to LABEL yourself as one way or another. It is NOBODY"S business what you do in your sex life. Please be cautious about labeling yourself as "gay." You may very well be bisexual. Once you label yourself and do this big dramatic "coming out" crap that American society thinks is a good thing, you are robbing yourself of the opportunity to change your mind, be married to a woman who may be cool with your being bi --- and I mean a woman with whom you can have your OWN, biological children someday. DO NOT LISTEN to gay guys who think you need to "come out" and all that drama. Kepp your bi desires to yourself for now. Give yourself time to decide what YOU want in your life. And do not feel guilty for not blabbing your business to everyone because you don't owe anyone an explination man. just have fun and be safe and be open to relationships whether they be with a male or a female. Take it easy man....and don't stress about this. Most men have bi thoughts and some studies say over 75% of American men have played with a male....And finally, love yourself. Be loveable to others. And find your spiritual peace soon. Your life me be much more fulfilling
I agree with you 100%.
It is no one's business in the first place who you are sleeping with or jacking off to. If someone feels better coming out at some point, more power to that person. But for some, it could be a big mistake. Do remember that not every man who experiences same-sex attraction is gay: many men are bisexual or heteroflexible, or something along those lines; and as such the "gay" label totally misrepresents who they are (society is obsessed with the 100% STRAIGHT OR GAY labels). Plus, sexuality for some can be very malleable. That means that your orientation may become more gay or straight over time. So really think about disclosing your sexuality to the world (I don't agree with our culture on this in general terms, but...)
Best of luck!:smile:
Travis, I don't think that's true. You are setting up an inherently conflicted situation there, not unlike (and don't take this analogy too far) Catholic priests who attempt to deny their sexuality by "channeling" it into other areas. A truly integrated person cannot ignore their sexual orientation, deny it or "hate" it, without setting up an ongoing, unhealthy dynamic. The object of a healthy human being's life should be to accept and embrace all humane aspects of themselves, regardless of society's ill-advised dictums, to develop themselves to their best and highest extent. To view one's innate sexual orientation as "wrong" is simply, unhealthy.
rickygNOLA
Superior Member
this makes me incredibly sad. i hate to use this overused phrase, but i swear to god it really does get better. you're still in your teens. your life is ready to unfold before your eyes. and when it does, i know you'll take flight. it doesn't matter if you're gay, straight, or bi. the people who love you now should love you forever. and if not, then that bridge can be crossed when you come to it. you're obviously a smart, beautiful person. you own your destiny. if somebody wants to walk out of your life and miss out on YOU, then: LET. THEM. GO. i have faith that you're a fighter and that this, too, shall pass. i'd like to meet you again in ten years. you'll be in full bloom and all this will seem very far away.
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mymilkshakez,
Just know you are not alone.
There are tons of us who have gone through what you are going through now. I did and have lived through all that pain. I'm here to let you know it is possible to live a happy fulfilled life as a gay man.
Big hug to you kid. Might want to check out this website. It Gets Better Project | Give hope to LGBT youth
Just know you are not alone.
There are tons of us who have gone through what you are going through now. I did and have lived through all that pain. I'm here to let you know it is possible to live a happy fulfilled life as a gay man.
Big hug to you kid. Might want to check out this website. It Gets Better Project | Give hope to LGBT youth
I second this, It Gets Better is half the reason why I was able to deal with all the shit from my late middle school years.
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