"I can't even admit to myself that I am gay. None of my friends, family, or anyone I know is gay and they all treat it like it is a disease. It's wrong and I've been fed this my whole life and right now I cannot cope with it. Every time I get drunk, high, I am afraid I'll slip so I cannot even really enjoy myself when I get out. I am naturally a manly man but inside I know I am still attracted to older men but even somedays I will be attracted to woman. Some days I just pray for hours and think about my life if I wasn't gay. I hate myself right now. I really do."--mymilkshakes
Well...to combat the hate you have for yourself...is to acknowledge it openly. Then you have to learn to love and accept yourself no matter what. If you are born in a homophobic family or have homophobic friends...I am sorry. You may even lose them in order to be a more genuine happier you.
You deserve to be treated with value and respect. Sometimes YOU are the only one who will have value and respect yourself FOR YOURSELF. If people hate you for who you are. That is THEIR problem not yours.
If you ever go to a gay community or a metropolitan city...there will be a lot of pressure to do a lot of things...whether it be drug use...sex...I hope you keep it together and don't rush into things that you will regret later. I know a lot of newbie gays that REALLY jump into the drugs and sex with no sense of caution and they find themselves into some really shit situations. Like getting HIV/STD/drug addiction/and fuckt up friends.
You have to keep it together for yourself. Be gay and proud for who you are...and not so because of your sexuality solely.