I have an ejaculation problem

[Grower]

Jonah,

Lots of good advice here.

There is a catch-all phrase for a condition called (I think) "retarded ejaculation." That's actually a lot less specific than some of the advice you've already been given but it might be helpful to you if you want to do some searching.

A porn addiction or obsession probably isn't a good thing BUT:

YOU ARE NOT HURTING YOUR PARENTS BY MASTURBATING!

Regardless of what they (or you) think or say.


I agree with rogue, 10 minutes isn't that long particularly when you haven't figured out what works for you yet.

Guilt, anxiety and frustration aren't conducive to pleasure (generally).

You can cum from wet dreams which involve very little stimulation so something you've got works.

This problem you have will actually make you very popular with the guys or the girls, may frustrate the hell out of you though, but don't let it (alone) stop you from attempting to have a relationship- it might just solve the problem. (I don't mean to oversimplify, it'd be great if you tried a few new techniques for a half hour and had a gusher but this is probably going to take some work on your part. It sounds like you are dealing with some hellacious guilt.)

I'm really surprised that your psychiatrist didn't have a field day with you, you might need to try someone else.

Good luck.

 

[davidjh7]

Jonah, I have some suggestions, but they are a bit long for this board. Feel free to message me off board, or leave a reply here where I may message you.

 

[B_Spladle]

Jonah, I have some suggestions, but they are a bit long for this board. Feel free to message me off board, or leave a reply here where I may message you.

Feel free to post as much as you'd like, any information you have that could help others with this same problem is best shared.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Hey Jonah.

I hope you're already closer to a solution to your problems. Don't give up, Buddy!

I must agree with all of the peoplle who have suggested that you see more urologists and be extremely frank, and clear with them about your entire problem. Tell them everything you've told us, and if there is more, tell them that too. Be wary of doctors who diagnose without a thorough exam. Very wary. I once knew someone who had Rhuematic Fever and got diagnosed with first strep throat, and then mono - all without cultures and blood tests. He was treated for months for illnesses he never had, and suffered needlessly. He also lost 50 pounds in a 30 day period, and could have died. So please, don't accept incomplete diagnoses. Okay?

I also was struck by how many times you refer to feelings of shame or guilt, and self destructive thought patterns. Even your level of desperation is very telling. Whatever physiological problems you have (or don't) you definitely have suffered emotionally, and definitely sound like someone who could benefit from counseling.

I noticed one guy here offered you some advice about new masturbation techniques. Don't dismiss his advice. I remember a time when I could not get any plleasure at all from my g-spot. Like you, I tried, and experienced boredom. I was advised to try longer, and I experienced joint discomfort in my wrists and elbows. I was advised to keep trying anyway. I'm so glad I persisted. I tried many different types of pressure and stroking until I had my first g-spot derived orgasm. It lent an entire new dimension to sexual pleasure, and made me open to many new experiences. My sexual life is not the same. I wish the same type of awakening for you.

My prayers and thoughts are with you, Sweetie.

 

[Chinese 9x6]

Jonah

Medical Doc here.

My thoughts are that you are suffering from a psychological problem. It seems to me that you are too focussed on the problem instead of just allowing nature to take its course. You say you jack off for like 10 minutes and then give up. It sometimes takes MUCH longer than 10 minutes. I think you are giving up way to soon. Dont jack off so hard your hand gets tired. Dont jack off with th intention of cumming, but rather grab your cock and stroke it gently, feel your penis, rub it and play with it, rub your balls, squeeze them gently, just enjoy the feeling. Dont try to actually reach orgasm with a mission, if you just keep stroking and playing with it you will eventually relax and you will probably be able to cum.

Josh, Listen to the Doc... it is all in your head... and it is not a sin beign gay... just be yourself

 

[BlondeGuyJonah]

Thanks again everyone. Okay, here is some of the stuff I didn't get to put in my last message because it was deleted as I sent it.

I am starting my allergy injections again soon, and when I go back to my GP I will inform him (or his sister who is my other doctor, its kind of weird having two doctors who are siblings and share the same patients) that my problems are still going on in the urological department. I plan to get a referal back to the urologist I saw over a year and a half ago, he told me to come back at about this time anyway if there was no change. I will tell this urologist that nothing has changed, and that I would like to have furthur, more invasive tests because I have done a little of my own research and heard of people with similar conditions that were only discovered by greater testing. I will have to convince him to recommend these tests as he is the only urologist in the greater area, and I would have to go to extreme lengths to find another. Plus, this urologist is a nice guy, I think I am a nice change to the elderly or overweight patients I see in his waiting room. I think I can convince him to do furthur testing if I tell him how this is becoming rather debilitating for me (which it is considering I will be under more pressure than ever this year with a new job and greater study load).

I shall also get either my GP or the urologist to give me a recommnedation to see a sexaul therapist who could hopefully allow my to let go of my subconscious doubts about my sexuality, I don't care if I ned hypnotherapy or need to go on funny drugs with weird side effects, it can't be too much worse than the stress my whole situation is putting me under.

Besides having professionals do their work on me, I decided to go and do a little of my own experimentation. Not too long ago I was in a lab for a science camp and managed to sneak out some cool plastic tubes. One night when I was feeling horny, I decided that I would experiment with one of these tubes. It was about 5 inches long and 2 or 3 inches around, the perfect beginner dildo. I have tried with carrots and my finger before, but neither could reach more than an inch inside me, I am literally anal retentive (I'm quite the control freak) and I just couldn't relax.

This night was a different story, I had a packet of condoms and some lube which I had bought for when I thought I might get some action (wishful thinking on my behalf). Anyway I put a condom over the tube and lubed it up. I bent myself over into a postion where I was very open and pushed it in. Much to my surprise, the majority of the tube went in! It was the weirdest thing having something up my arse though, my mind automatically told me I needed to shit. That was the only thing I could feel, the urge to run to a toilet.

Anyway, it didn't feel to great, I don't think I could be a bottom anytime soon. I tried it a few more times that night and tried to get a feel for it, it was a little better by the 4th time, but I still had the toilet mentality. I am going to try this again tonight, hopefully I will feel a little more used to it.

The other problem there was that I thought I could get off on it. I was hard for a little while from it, but I was stroking with lube for a good 10 minutes again, and couldn't maintain an erection because I didn't feel aroused.

That is one of my biggest problems, no matter what I am doing, I could be having the best fantasy or watching the most orgasmic porn, but while I am rubbing myself while watching it, I feel nothing.

I know that some of you say to keep going for longer than 10 minutes, but I don't even have any initial sexual sensations. If you want to understand what I mean, try lubing up your hand and start rubbing your kitchen tiles, or your carpet or your wall. Keep rubbing for 10 minutes, you will be bored and have no sexual stimulation (unless you are attracted to inanimate parts of your interior or your hand is extremely sensative). That is what I feel like when I rub my dick, it feels like I am rubbing a part of my body which is not an erogenous zone. My mind knows I should feel a sexual sensation, but all I get is a sticky hand from the lube and a dick that loses its erection because it doesn't feel excited.

I have tried to use pron to keep my dick up while I keep rubbing to see if I begin to get sensation after a certain threshold of time, but alas, my dick nor my mind can be fooled into thinking that it aroused for that long just by watching porn.

I do sincerely thank you all gain for you efforts in making me feel better about myself and my problem. I hope that there is a solution that I can return with, and I hope that I can share this solution for others who may encounter my same problem in the future.

I am going to go an experiment now, hopefully I can gain some insight into what my erogenous zones actually are. Maybe my penis is not an erogenous zone at all for me? Maybe I have a more obscure place that turns me on. Anyway, I await your replies once again, and shall return soon.

Yours truly,
Jonah.

 

[chrisj428]

Jonah, what I'm seeing you repeat is feelings of shame and self loathing, along with your parent's disapproval of your being gay. Gayness is not a disease, therefore it cannot be cured. You simply don't decide to change your sexual orientation to please someone else, invaribly it just causes depression and frustration. I can't help believe that this is at least part of the problem. I'm wondering if the lack of sensation you feel is in any way related to the guilt you feel over the kind of porn you are viewing?

Your parents might be very loving people who care about you a great deal, and still be WRONG! You don't need to be "fixed" as far as your sexual orientation goes, hell you may not even know for sure yourself at that age. A lot of us feel attraction to both genders to some degree, it isn't really until you begin to HAVE sex that you'll really know what turns you on the most. Omnisexual is a nice word, but I hope you aren't trying to tell yourself something that isn't true so you'll feel better about yourself in light of your parent's views. In the end, we simply cannot define ourselves by other people's definitions, even people we love very much.

Madame Zora,

I think you've missed your calling! I wish you'd been around to offer me advice like this when I was Jonah's age...probably would have saved me a lot of agony & grief. I was going to take snippets of your post to quote, as I think it certainly deserve a re-read, but every word carried so much weight, I ended up just quoting the majority of it as you wrote it.

Jonah,

I can empathize with your situation. Sexuality of any sort was nearly verboten in my household growing up. Not that my parents were bad, just "old-school". Three out of four grandparents are off the boat from the old country, so there are many things that don't enter the "sphere of cognisance" when it comes to things like this.

I take a very long time to reach climax through what would be considered "conventional" methods and have only been able to climax once during oral sex. Instead, I have a rather odd method of masturbation that involved a modified frottage -- it's almost as if my pelvic bone has more sensitivity of a sexual nature than my penis.

Porn is great -- don't get me wrong, just don't let it consume you. (It's also much cheaper than a bunch of dates I've been on and usually end better -- not that I date for sex, mind you, but you get my drift.)

Know that you're normal -- we all have our crosses to bear. I used to wake up in the morning, look in the miror and say to myself, "With all of my screwed-up friends, thank God my family's normal." Then, one day, I looked at myself and realized my family's just as f***ed up as the rest of 'em. Sure, there was so physical or sexual abuse or anything like that, but in hindsight, we were (and still are to an extent) just as messed up as everyone else. I think that realization probably did more to help me become comfortable with who I am than anything else.

Hope this ramble helps a little bit in some small way. Just don't do anything rash -- everything will work out in the wash at the end of the day.

 

[montanaguy]

Jonah, just a couple of quick questions. First of all, when you are jacking off, in what position do you normally do so? In other words, are you sitting in a chair, lying on your back, standing up, or lying on your bed on your stomach and doing so? Or, worse yet, I thought I had damaged my penis years ago during my teen years as there would be times when I would simulating f**king by humping the arm of an old couch that we had in our basement when no one was around, when I was horny. If it is the last one, you might have a problem with traumatic mastubatory syndrome. Check out the healthystrokes.com website. There may be something more about it there.

Here's wishing the best of everything and that you'll get the problem solved soon.

 

[Sergeant_Torpedo]

Well I never ...... there is actually one position for doing what a man has gotta do - occasionally?

 

[chesz001]

maybe it's emotional..try to think of things that will aroused you..things that really turns you on,like sex..mind if i ask,are you still a virgin?are you encountering this problem when your fucking as girl?try masturbating in front of a girl or your girlfriend or let her masturbate you..or scientifically maybe there are veins that are blocked in your dick..

 

[freeballing]

Hey Jonah,

First of all, there is nothing "underhanded or sneaky" about jacking off, having wet dreams, imagining sex with every guy or girl you meet, or looking at porn. What you describe is a very healthy libido.

You sound like a very articulate and mature young man. PLEASE, before you give up, or do anything destructive to yourself, contact a youth organization for more help. Since you are dependant on your parents for medical, I would recommend talking anonymously with a gay youth organization. There are gay youth organizations all over the world that have tons of resources. They're free and easily accessible online. One example would be the LA gay and lesbian center (whether you are gay, bi, straight or curious).

I think you need to relax and not be so hard on yourself... If my parents caught me looking at gay porn and then put me in therapy to make me straight, I might have a difficult time getting off too... I'm sure your parents are good people who love you, but they have put WAYYYY too much pressure on you. Your sexuality has NOTHING to do with them, and YOUR sexual preference is YOUR OWN. Psychologists, parents, and guilt would make it difficult for anyone to "perform."

I jack off 3-5x/day on average and each wank is naturally less "explosive" than the previous. Have you tried not wanking for a day, or two... Or maybe a week? The tension of not masturbating can be distracting, even frustrating... But when you finally do wank, it would be interesting to see if you are able to "finish."

Do you have a guy or girl buddy you can fool around with? I think it would be helpful if you could meet someone near your age that you trust, have chemistry with, and are COMFORTABLE exploring your sexuality with. Jacking off / fooling around with someone cool can turn into a marathon - edging session for hours... Just remember to practice safe sex.

Hope you find some part of this helpful dude...

 

[Dave NoCal]

I had a very similar problem as a young man. Then it was no longer a problem. What happened? I'm not totally sure but part of it was that I accepted being gay.

There was nothing wrong physically. Rather, masturabtion had become a test of whether I could be aroused by that which didn't arouse me. As long as that was my mentality, fantasy and pictures did not serve pleasure. They wer my ways of trying to conform myself to social expectations or rule out not fitting in. It doesn't sound logical now and it wasn't then.

Several have suggested getting in contact with a GLBT youth support group. That along with standard but skilled and gay affirmative psychotherapy (even, if in the end you dicide you are not gay) might be helpful.Frankly, I doubt the problem you are experiencing is medical since you are able to ejaculate when your unconscious mind is in charge (when you are asleep).

 

[68306]

To the topic creator: I hope my experiences may be of some use...

I was practically a neuter. The only enjoyment I got out of sexual experiences was feeling another's enjoyment... and being of capability, their enjoyment was exhilarating.

I didn't even know I could masturbate until later in life... and the feeling of my own orgasm after a minute's time, regardless of immense pleasure was still LAME compared to what I had felt in others... but by then my life had fallen apart, I took whatever pleasure I was given, even if it was an orgasm every 20 hours, even if it would eventually become so meaningless and crappy as the rest of my life...


So why did I continue masturbation, even if I couldn't be bothered continuing after the first 20 seconds? Conviction. Training was it's own reward, and paying off was a bonus. The orgasms did not pay off then, but it has ALL paid off now.

I read about those that suffer from inorgasmia giving up after 30 minutes and just going to bed. Since orgasms were so crap for me I reached inorgasmia... but I didn't give up. I just kept going. If my body couldn't, i'd work on that. If my mind couldn't, i'd work on that. I would use inorgasmia for something greater.

Just kept marching until the war was won.


And now? I love it, letting my self be filled further and fuller in pleasure, reaching that climax at around 15 hours, then continuing until I explode into a 2 minute long orgasm... even if I can't stay focused on the rollercoaster for more than a few seconds in, the glorious intro make up for the gut-wrenching ride.

And sometimes I'm even lucky trigger repercussive orgasms in other parts of the body, walking down the streets as i'm bathed with slow waves of convulsion.

And this all started from a flimsy 1 minute erection, that needed 20 hours before it could less painfully resume again.

------------

Your lack of orgasmic passion is giving you a chance to better focus now. Your parents are wanting you to waste this homosexual potential... but don't,... your lack of reaction, your homosexual drive, is a special gift for you to accept and use for your future. Do not be ashamed if your present is wrapped in shinier paper.

------------

When I was a kid, people though I was gay. I was extremely effeminate. Loved girly stuff, pink handbags, dolls, sweet music. Yup, the kid was gay, let's teach him the "right" way instead (I was left handed too, but guess which hand they forced me to use).

The point is I wasn't in the least bit attracted to men, yet I often found myself on the wrong end of homophobic speaches... I think my rebellious nature has worked against them... as although i'm still not attracted to men i'd now consider it regardless. I also watch gay porn too... generally because there's more chance of actors doing what they enjoy!

Either way, I have always appreciated and respected what gay people do for the human population count. And this is a point you can argue with any shmuck. Keep up the good work people.


In simpler words...

To the topic creator: Be honest with yourself and just do it.

 

[vinny_spiruccino]

You guys DO realize that this was originally posted almost a year ago, and just recently revived after an eleven month dormancy? I'd be curious to see if Jonah has any updates. I didn't check before posting when the last time he was logged in to the site...

 

[68306]

Time holds on to me with a very soft grip...

 

[BlondeGuyJonah]

Yeah I still check this site all the time. I have been PMing one guy who has been giving me some great advice, and I just recieved another recently telling me the thread has been revived. To reiterate my problem, it isn't so much that I can't come, its that I have no means to in the first place as I can't feel anything. My penis for some reason or another has no ability to be stimulated sexually. It feels the same way you would rubbing your arm, nothing particularly special. It just doesn't give me any pleasure. I have visited the urologist recently after having to wait for an appointment for over a month (for some reason a city with a population like mine has very limited numbers of specialists). I haven't seen him for over 2 years, and I explained that absolutely nothing has improved. He told me that I have done everything he has asked, and that he has done all he can in his area of expertice. He asked me if I had ever been able to have some kind of 'normal' (what I beleive to be normal) sexual stimulation, to which I told him I had not. I explained that I had done much research on the net and found that not many people have the same symptoms as me and he told me that what I appear to have is likely to be quite rare and obscure. He decided that it isn't likely to be anything urological, so he gave me a recommendation to a neurologist specialising in physiology, and helped me make an appointment. The only problem is that the next avaiable appointment is in March 2007, so about 4 months away. The urologist told me that honestly he didn't know if the neurologist could help me and that we may need to try several avenues, but he is a very sympathetic and understanding guy. montanaguy: I have read that site many times when looking for information, and I know that I haven't been masturbating prone, let alone being able to masturbate at all. Thanks for the advice though. I will be 19 in late January and it seems that I should be so much more experienced by now, instead it feels like everything passed me by and that I have missed out on so much. Any sexual related conversations with other people end up with my blatantly lying to avoid having to explain my awkward predicament with people. Also, I think the whole use it or lose it policy is starting to come into play with me, my erections are declining in frequency, hardness and are length of time. Even my bladder seems to be getting weaker which is kind of embarassing considering in eighteen NOT eighty. I guess that could be due to not exercising PC muscles during masturbation. As a few of you have mentioned, it may be emotional, and I would like to see a sex therapist. I get my allergy shot on the 21st and my urologists letter back to my GP should have arrived already, so when the GP talks to me about that I'll ask if I could get a recommendation to a sex therapist. Anyway, I thank all of you who have taken concern for my problem and I will keep you updated. - Jonah

 

[spartalee]

Ever tried actual sex? be it with male or female is your choice but maybe having actual intercourse or possibly a blow job or someone else jacking you off could help....

 

[BlondeGuyJonah]

Yeah I did try to have sex once with a guy earlier this year. My first and only sexual experience. We were kissing and stuff and I thought it would turn out okay, but at one point I looked down and saw him sucking my dick, I didn't even realise it until I looked down, I couldn't feel a thing. I tried to have actual intercourse with him, but I couldn't seem to get it in and it was kinda dark where we were so I couldn't exactly see what I was doing and gave up. - Jonah

 

[spartalee]

ever think maybe it is a neurological problem? maybe you have something blocking the impulses from your brain to your penis and/or abdomine? this can be cause by blood clots near the are or the spine or even bones pinching nerves.

 

[BlondeGuyJonah]

Hopefully the neurologist will do some tests to see if it is nerves being pinched, or blood clots. The urologist asked me about family history of spine damage, and I said there isn't, except for my mum, but that was not a genetic thing it was an accident where she hurt her back badly. I guess I shall play the waiting game until March and pray that an earlier appointment opens up. Sorry about the big chunks of text, I have no idea why it is removing my paragraph spacing.