It's late, i'm tired, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of myself, my sexuality, my future. I'm afraid of making the wrong decisions, of screwing up how my life is going. I'm afraid of reaching the age of 20 in 6 months and never having had a serious relationship, never having ever properly kissed somebody. I'm afraid of whats going to happen now: I looked at a couple of previous threads I made, and I think I can see myself sliding towards homosexuality; I see myself gradually realising, and then denying and lieing to myself to make it easier. And tonight, I just suddenly woke up, completely awake and my brain was just replaying over and over again "you're gay and you won't admit it". I looked at previous advice, and i thank those people again for their words of wisdom, and I know that I am perhaps too young to be so worried about such things. But I can't go on with this many knots in my head, this many uncertainties and lies and things. I need somebody to talk to, I need somebody I know to go through this crap with me and tell me that it's allright, and that they don't care what sexuality I am. I still am not sure what to do. I have come on socially from my last thread, I made a great friend in halls that we talk about a lot together, but i don't know if I can burden him with the biggest secret, and the hardest knot that my mind posesses. Further, I don't know exactly how he'd react, I suspect he'd be cool about it, but I'm worried, we're the best friends that each other has had pretty much ever (totally platonic before you ask), and I don't want to screw up that friendship by burdening him with too much. My god thats a shit reason.... Ok, the real reason is this: I DON'T WANT TO ADMIT IT. I don't want to admit that I'm gay. And here I am, admitting it here. (I love you LPSG!) I don't know if it's the right thing to admit either, I'm not sure if it really is the case. I know that I am fairly predomenantly interested in guys, but i still find the odd girl attractive. Yet, I've said it before and I'll say it again - bisexuality feels like a lie. I feel like I should go and explore this side of me... but my wings are clipped - I'm so afraid of doing anything that I'd screw up any relationship I have. Not only that, but getting a relationship would be hard.... I want one.... that's quiet, and not too sort of.... widely known. I want a stealth gay relationship (ninja sex!) to get things sorted out in my head, to confirm that this is what I really want. But this is so hard to do! I live in such a small city, the walls have eyes and ears and I doubt I could turn up to any gay bar or to any of the LGBT meets without somebody that i know somehow seeing me and finding out and then it's game over, no save, no more lives. I don't know what to do. I'm better off than i was a year ago, but I still feel like every choice is the wrong one.