I Have Knot in my Head

[SomeGuyOverThere]

It's late, i'm tired, and I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of myself, my sexuality, my future.

I'm afraid of making the wrong decisions, of screwing up how my life is going.

I'm afraid of reaching the age of 20 in 6 months and never having had a serious relationship, never having ever properly kissed somebody.

I'm afraid of whats going to happen now: I looked at a couple of previous threads I made, and I think I can see myself sliding towards homosexuality; I see myself gradually realising, and then denying and lieing to myself to make it easier.

And tonight, I just suddenly woke up, completely awake and my brain was just replaying over and over again "you're gay and you won't admit it".

I looked at previous advice, and i thank those people again for their words of wisdom, and I know that I am perhaps too young to be so worried about such things.

But I can't go on with this many knots in my head, this many uncertainties and lies and things.

I need somebody to talk to, I need somebody I know to go through this crap with me and tell me that it's allright, and that they don't care what sexuality I am. I still am not sure what to do.

I have come on socially from my last thread, I made a great friend in halls that we talk about a lot together, but i don't know if I can burden him with the biggest secret, and the hardest knot that my mind posesses.

Further, I don't know exactly how he'd react, I suspect he'd be cool about it, but I'm worried, we're the best friends that each other has had pretty much ever (totally platonic before you ask), and I don't want to screw up that friendship by burdening him with too much.

My god thats a shit reason....

Ok, the real reason is this:

I DON'T WANT TO ADMIT IT.

I don't want to admit that I'm gay.

And here I am, admitting it here. (I love you LPSG!)

I don't know if it's the right thing to admit either, I'm not sure if it really is the case. I know that I am fairly predomenantly interested in guys, but i still find the odd girl attractive. Yet, I've said it before and I'll say it again - bisexuality feels like a lie.

I feel like I should go and explore this side of me... but my wings are clipped - I'm so afraid of doing anything that I'd screw up any relationship I have. Not only that, but getting a relationship would be hard.... I want one.... that's quiet, and not too sort of.... widely known. I want a stealth gay relationship (ninja sex!) to get things sorted out in my head, to confirm that this is what I really want.

But this is so hard to do! I live in such a small city, the walls have eyes and ears and I doubt I could turn up to any gay bar or to any of the LGBT meets without somebody that i know somehow seeing me and finding out and then it's game over, no save, no more lives.

I don't know what to do. I'm better off than i was a year ago, but I still feel like every choice is the wrong one.

 

[rob_just_rob]

Who says you have to decide now?

And, despite what some people may tell you, you can think you're gay and then later realize that you aren't.

By all means, experiment. Discreetly, if you feel the need. But don't put so much pressure on yourself to decide your sexual identity at age 19, especially when you (as you have said) haven't really had enough experience to definitively know what turns you on.

 

[clarkma86]

God, funny how your situation mirrors mine.

I'd say starting late in high school and through my first couple years at college, I was really fighting with myself. "No, I can't be gay. I like women alright. I think." And so it would go on over and over and over again. Finally I cracked when I confirmed for sure that my best friend was gay...that night I got no sleep. I tossed, I turned, I cried, I told myself that I had to stop lying to myself and say what I had to say.

I told my mom I was bi the next day. And a couple close friends. It was extremely difficult, and the more I think about it the less I believe I am truly bi, merely gay with a conscious ability to critique women. Less honest attraction and more a survival mechanism for living in a world of heterosexuality.

For 3 months after that, I told nobody. I just mulled it over. Finally I started telling people online, and a couple friends IRL. I ended up hooking up with a guy 6 months after my 20th birthday (who was amazingly sweet, god I love him, but I digress...) and that was the first real sexual experience I ever had with another person. Before that, I had kinda cuddled up with my girlfriend of a couple weeks back when I was 17, and that was it.

It takes a lot of time to deal with it. It's been nearly 8 months since I first came out, and I still haven't told my father, my extended family, and many of my friends. I'm not entirely comfortable talking about it in person (thank god for the anonymity of the internet!). But I'm making progress.

I think you're going to be unsure of your sexuality even after you have the courage to come out. It's only after having what's in your head mesh with what's happening in the world around you that you start to feel comfortable in your own skin again. At least, that was/is the case with me.

Best of luck to you in figuring this all out and making it through.

 

[BigLittleMan]

good lord, you're only 20! get over it already.

 

[SomeGuyOverThere]

I agree Rob, but it's the 800 pound gorrila in the corner of my mind, it's been there for years now and I just want it to go away as my skull isn't big enough for the both of us.

I want to get it sorted out in my mind sooner rather than later.... but I feel like its not going anywhere.

 

[elf]

Maybe you need to take a holiday somewhere sunny where no one knows you? If you fall into bed with someone then you'll know if you're gay. There are certain physical indications....

 

[fortiesfun]

You're 19. You're normal. I know very few 19 year olds that are any more clear on this topic than you are. Most are just frightened to say they are frightened. Gay, straight, and bi aren't categories that you have to choose, their just ways of helping you understand yourself. There are some really good threads on this subject around here, but I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself too fast.

Rob's excellent advice to discretely experiment seems very sensible. If your town is too small, perhaps you can plan an excursion to a little more discreet place in the near future and figure a bit more out.

There is great support available here for whatever you are. You are a smart guy to have posted, but you should turn down the pressure considerably. There is no race to the finish line.

 

[SomeGuyOverThere]

God, funny how your situation mirrors mine.

I'd say starting late in high school and through my first couple years at college, I was really fighting with myself. "No, I can't be gay. I like women alright. I think." And so it would go on over and over and over again. Finally I cracked when I confirmed for sure that my best friend was gay...that night I got no sleep. I tossed, I turned, I cried, I told myself that I had to stop lying to myself and say what I had to say.

I told my mom I was bi the next day. And a couple close friends. It was extremely difficult, and the more I think about it the less I believe I am truly bi, merely gay with a conscious ability to critique women. Less honest attraction and more a survival mechanism for living in a world of heterosexuality.

For 3 months after that, I told nobody. I just mulled it over. Finally I started telling people online, and a couple friends IRL. I ended up hooking up with a guy 6 months after my 20th birthday (who was amazingly sweet, god I love him, but I digress...) and that was the first real sexual experience I ever had with another person. Before that, I had kinda cuddled up with my girlfriend of a couple weeks back when I was 17, and that was it.

It takes a lot of time to deal with it. It's been nearly 8 months since I first came out, and I still haven't told my father, my extended family, and many of my friends. I'm not entirely comfortable talking about it in person (thank god for the anonymity of the internet!). But I'm making progress.

I think you're going to be unsure of your sexuality even after you have the courage to come out. It's only after having what's in your head mesh with what's happening in the world around you that you start to feel comfortable in your own skin again. At least, that was/is the case with me.

Best of luck to you in figuring this all out and making it through.

Thanks for the excellent post. I think thats probably how I'm going to have to take it, gradually, testing the water, and moving on

I think that once I can admit it to myself, and once I can admit it to one of my friends, it'll go a lot faster, it's the first hurdle thats the most daunting though.

good lord, you're only 20! get over it already.

This made me smile. I wish I could, and I want to, so I can move on.

Maybe you need to take a holiday somewhere sunny where no one knows you? If you fall into bed with someone then you'll know if you're gay. There are certain physical indications....

Like them having a penis? Thats usually a good sign! :tongue:

I can't afford to sadly. I sort of wish I'd gone to uni in edinburgh, like the rest of my friends, then I would have been able to spread my wings a bit more when it came to this. But, then I wouldn't have made my current best friend and I wouldn't have had the close support of my family.

You're 19. You're normal. I know very few 19 year olds that are any more clear on this topic than you are. Most are just frightened to say they are frightened. Gay, straight, and bi aren't categories that you have to choose, their just ways of helping you understand yourself. There are some really good threads on this subject around here, but I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself too fast.

Rob's excellent advice to discretely experiment seems very sensible. If your town is too small, perhaps you can plan an excursion to a little more discreet place in the near future and figure a bit more out.

There is great support available here for whatever you are. You are a smart guy to have posted, but you should turn down the pressure considerably. There is no race to the finish line.

I'm once again, thankfull for your ensightfull posts Forties - I think you posted in the previous two threads I made about this, and I've found your advice very helpfull.

I feel so frightened though, I'm too afraid to go on an excursion and figure these things out. I am litterally terrified of myself, and I'd just end up having a miserable time I think. My self confidence is an issue, and I doubt I could just pick up a guy and have a discreet affair like that, and even if i did, i'd be terrified, litterally terrified.

I am frightened of sex and exploring my sexuality, I can see myself, in bed with soembody, shaking, terrified, unable to act properly, and I don't know why. I'm just scared of exploring that side of myself, perhaps scared of this rite of passage...

I don't know, I'm rambleing here.

 

[Pecker]

You won't hear me say this very often but

you need to get laid.

 

[SomeGuyOverThere]

You won't hear me say this very often but

you need to get laid.

Well, yes, thats probably the first time in my life where that advice is actually true.

 

[clarkma86]

Taking it slowly and experimenting is going to be the way you really get a handle on who you are. Always remember that you're not going to change who you are, just discover who you are.

Personally, I'm in the odd position of having to confirm whether or not I like women much or not. I guess I did it backward, heh.

 

[rob_just_rob]

You won't hear me say this very often but

you need to get laid.

Good advice. Go somewhere, mingle, meet someone.

If it's great, great.

If it's not great, it's an experience. And you will have learned a little about yourself.

 

[fortiesfun]

I feel so frightened though, I'm too afraid to go on an excursion and figure these things out. I am litterally terrified of myself, and I'd just end up having a miserable time I think. My self confidence is an issue, and I doubt I could just pick up a guy and have a discreet affair like that, and even if i did, i'd be terrified, litterally terrified.

I am frightened of sex and exploring my sexuality, I can see myself, in bed with soembody, shaking, terrified, unable to act properly, and I don't know why. I'm just scared of exploring that side of myself, perhaps scared of this rite of passage...

There are lots and lots of possibilities between no experience and just picking somebody up randomly. Small steps. Prepare carefully. Be safe. Spend some time with gay people with your clothes on. Join a gay/straight alliance. Read some of the gay fiction in our forum.

It will happen when it is supposed to happen. This is what we old guys used to listen to to remind us.

 

[Male Bonding etc]

Yes, some things simply have to be done and then we move on. Sex does get better with experience and familiarity. It's a pretty good bet that your first experiences are going to be awkward, if not wretched. Accept that and learn from the experience.

 

[clarkma86]

Yes, in my case I had 3 months to mull it over in my mind after I came out. Then I met a guy online and we talked about sex and sexuality for a month before we actually did anything, and he was amazingly sweet and patient about it when we did have sex. And before any of that even took place, I had been exposed to gay porn for a long time.

So, yeah, you don't want/need to rush this TOO much. It's not like you need to go and sleep with a guy TOMORROW. In fact, that's doing yourself quite a disservice. Learn about gay sex, become comfortable with it, spend time with gay people, become comfortable with them, etc. etc. All of these are key to working your way up the ladder.

 

[ScottT315]

No need to label yourself now. I agree with Rob and the others. You need to test the waters and maybe you have to be discrete because of the small town. Do you know any crusing spots near the town that you live in where you might meet a young guy near your own age and explore some avenues of sex that you both might enjoy and learn something from? Big Cities are so much better for this stuff at times. Good luck but don't get to bogged down with labels. Just take your time and learn from your experiences. You have many years to go and many wonderful experiences will happen in time

 

[viking1]

I agree with what the others posters have said. You don't have to make that
decision about your orientation now. Concentrate on your education, make some friends, and enjoy life. We have all been through that I am xx years of age and haven't had a serious relationship. Just give it time. The more you worry about it and the harder you try the more difficult it will become.

Many people if not most were not sure about their sexuality at your age...
whether they admit to that or not. It will all work out...no need to worry or rush into something. Just relax and enjoy the college life for a while.

 

[F_Man]

You won't hear me say this very often but

you need to get laid.

Spot-on, Pecker! :smile: Getting laid relaxes and puts things in better perspective

FM

 

[Wrat]

When I first got out of hte Military I was interested in art and I went to school and discovered that many of my classmates were GAY! It was not much of a surprise and I didn't know what, if anything, I could do about it, but they were thoughtful and well educated and catty and obnoxious and absolutely hilarious. It was actually a fun crowd to be in because there were plenty of straight people for me to identify with and plenty of gay people to make life interesting, and it all worked.
My point is that I had to go through a discovery process myself and it turns out that I am not gay. It's really that simple. For you it may be that you are in fact gay. That would be pretty simple too if you let it be. It is important that you realize that you are not obliged to talk about your sexualilty with anybody. It is yours. You do not have to label yourself with the terms we use every day. You don't have to be "straight" and you do not have to be "gay" and you do not have to follow any set of rules governing the behavior of straight or gay people. It is very healthy for you to ask yourself questions and give yourself honest answers, and remember that if you get an answer from yourself that you did not expect it is not tragic. You do not need to punish yourself for lieing to yourself and you do not have any confessions to make to anybody else. Arriving in any social situation undecided is very acceptable, and you do not have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, say anything you do not want to say or be like anybody else. You don't owe anybody an explanation and you aren't keeping secrets from them if you don't tell them how you feel. Those are your feelings. You don't have to let them out until you are good and ready, and you don't have to tell anybody that you don't want to. remember that the law proetcts you and that you can do and be whatever you want to.

And yes, DO FOCUS ON YOUR EDUCATION!

You really will eventually move away from your friends and you really will get many times more satisfaction from your work than your lovelife.

 

[Matthew]

Hi SomeGuy, I know you've been working this stuff out with us for some time now. I agree witht the others that you should worry less about what label fits you and instead just get out there and try to experiment a little. You seem to be weighed down with "making the wrong decision" but whatever your sexuality is, you will need to test the waters at some point. That's the only way for you to get a little more information to process about yourself and what you like and don't like.

I hear you that it's hard to find the right situations to do this in. I think you should make plans to get away so you can feel more free. If not a permanent move, then go backpack around Europe for a while or at least plan a weekend trip to the big city.

In terms of your age, I only first messed around with a guy when I was 19 and didn't have my first boyfriend until 21. You will have plenty of chances to make up for lost time.:wink: Most of all: remember that beating your head against the wall will not solve any of these problems any sooner, it will only give you a headache. It's better to cut yourself some slack, and take time brainstorming some steps you can take to put yourself in the right situations.