I Have Knot in my Head

RoyalT

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Maybe you do just need to get laid...I don't know if you're gay or straight. Maybe you just feel you don't have much of a chance with girls so you think guys will be easier? Or maybe you really do like guys.

I wouldn't worry about it you're very young. People don't have their whole life and their own selves figured out by a certain age. Certainly not before 20. Just take it easy, its no big deal being who you are. If I felt pressured to have sex or a relationship like my friends did I'd have a three year old kid by now. As it is, I waited til I was 19 and did actually 'just get laid' and had an easy going, infrequent relationship. Then I got more confident with girls, and improved and got more action and got laid a whole lot more.

Don't let it get you down. My girlfriend's ex was a virgin til he was 25! (She took it). Concentrate on the good things. Keep yourself busy. And there are millions more people in the same situation as you. You are not alone! :cool:
 

B_Think_Kink

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Maybe moving out of your small town would help. Somewhere that isn't so judgemental. Your still young, but I can understand how there is that weight on your shoulders. Just remember we are always here to talk to.
 

D_Herin_Ghan

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I agree with Pecker. Go out to a club, get properly trashed and have some fun with it. Try both sexes, see which you like better.

Good luck, bro.
 

jeff black

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Maybe moving out of your small town would help. Somewhere that isn't so judgemental. Your still young, but I can understand how there is that weight on your shoulders. Just remember we are always here to talk to.

I agree with Pecker. Go out to a club, get properly trashed and have some fun with it. Try both sexes, see which you like better.

Good luck, bro.


These two posts, in addition to the others sum up my feelings exactly. Someguy, you don't need to fret. 19, 20, 21, 22, heck, 23... not a big deal. It'll come. Try making yourself open to all possibilities.:rolleyes:
Best of luck Someguy!.
 

JustAsking

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SomeGuy,
I am straight and in my mid 50s, so consider that while reading the rest. If I started to have doubts about my sexuality, it would scare the daylights out of me because I have built my entire worldview around being straight. You may have done the same thing with your particular vision of yourself and the future.

I knew a teenager in a church youth group where I was an adult leader who confessed to me about his realization that he was gay. He was very certain and had finally admitted it to himself within the previous few days. The burden of this was really heavy for him not because he objected to the concept (and neither do I), but because his value system about what a successful life might be for himself was all built in the mindset of a straight person thinking about his future straight life. He suddenly found himself as a gay person with a straight vision for himself and his future.

Living in a small town like you, he realized that admitting this to himself and then others would completely redefine his world view and his relationship with family and friends. He would not have the wife, two kids, two cars, and the yard with the picket fence he has envisioned for himself. Or if he did, it would not be within a context that would fit with the rest of his family, friends, etc. So his fear was more about the wholesale redefinition of his life, than any kind of self-homophobia. I think anyone whose worldview for themself is suddenly challenged, is going to have a great deal of fear until they are able to redefine their vision. I wonder if this is part of your fear?

The other thing I can say is that all labels are artificial, as many have pointed out here. You should be able to experiment somewhere discreetly and figure out if this is really your destiny. If it is not, then you really have not done anything irreversible. When you feel you are more sure about where you are going, then you can define yourself that way if you want.

I would think that gay people are quite acquainted with the need for experimentation at one time in their own life and for the need for others to experiment as well. So the idea of experimenting with someone would seem to me to be very possible without somehow getting to some point of no return, if the experiment fails.

I see that you have a number of alternatives. You can make a decision right now and try to live with it the rest of your life. Or you defer the decision until you have sufficient experience from experiments and more advice from people you can trust. Or you can not make the decision at all ever and be conflicted the rest of your life. The second option seems the best to me.

Also, at 20 years old, you have plenty of time to figure things out. It might be the just the uncertainty that gives you the most anxiety right now. The reality is that you have it within your means to make this determination, and the time to redefine your life around it if you have to.

Good Luck with all this. You are a valuable and loved contributor on this board. This is obvious from reading everyone's comments to you. I hope you can find advice here that is useful.
 

Dave NoCal

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You have gotten a lot of great advice and support and I hope to offer an additional idea.

When I was dealing with this, a lot of my struggle had to do with my previously anticipated life and giving that up, as JustAsking wrote about so wisely.

It occurs to me that you may not be ready to take an action that you see as being life defining. On the other hand tying yourself up in knots isn't helping either. Perhaps you could take the pressure off of yourself to act and/or decide and move into a position of being a neutral spectator to your own arousal. That is, step back andj ust pay attention to who and what turns you on. If you resolve to pursue this being honest with yourself, you may gain helpful additional information.

What you are doing is hard and ultimately it's your path to walk. I struggled mightily and came out to my parents in 1976 (Yes, that tells you something about how old I am). They are very religious in a kind and accepting way but were taken aback. It took a few years for us to get our relationship sorted out but we have had the good fortune to have lived long enough and tried hard enough to really do it. These days, my parents, who are in their eighties, are vocal advocates of gay marriage and all other sorts of fairness for people like me. What I'm trying to say is that if, at the right time, you decide that your primary attraction is toward men and become open about that, you may gain many unanticipated gifts.

Hang in. Be sensible and kind to yourself.

David
 

CUBE

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Good advice forum! I hope you just breath and give yourself some experince and enjoy life. You don't have to define anything to anyone. Look for quality people to compliment you...evrything else is cake.
 

fortiesfun

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Also, at 20 years old, you have plenty of time to figure things out. It might be the just the uncertainty that gives you the most anxiety right now. The reality is that you have it within your means to make this determination, and the time to redefine your life around it if you have to.
Damn, you're smart. I never fail to be impressed with your ability to get to the heart of the issue, and I think you got it right again this time.
 

dreamer20

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I'm afraid of myself, my sexuality, my future.
I want a stealth gay relationship (ninja sex!) to get things sorted out in my head, to confirm that this is what I really want.
I don't know what to do. I'm better off than i was a year ago, but I still feel like every choice is the wrong one.


SGOT if you are uneasy about starting a relationship or a sexual encounter at this point in your life then don't proceed now. You will overcome that anxiety in time. There are many people to discuss your worries with here as opposed to a gay bar or LGBT meeting. When you are ready to explore your sexuality you can use the internet's gay sites to converse with guys in order to start a discreet realtionship. Meanwhile enjoy your school's social activities and the friendships that you develop there.
 

hypolimnas

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I feel that life is an art. To live is a creative act. You will create your own life. It won't be the life that someone else can give you or that other people like your parents have led.

It will be your own life. You will own it.

There is a time for judgement but judgement isn't life. Life is also about perception, sensation, experience, intuition, feeling, reflecting. Your mind is your own. It is yours to change as your experience, and awareness evolves.

The fundamental questions are: what kind of life do you want to lead? Who do you want to share your life with? Who will you love? The answers will be found in living life and embracing opportunity, not being afraid. Even if you like sex with guys, and feel you are gay, that (in itself) won't tell you what kind of quality of life you will have. There is still every possible kind of gay life, gay experience, gay friendship, and gay relationship.

Thinking is fine but it doesn't solve the problem of who you will love or if you will choose to love yourself.

Try living. You won't know if you like it until you taste it. If you suffer from anxiety there is help available. I suspect you may be suffering from anxiety about other things apart from your sexuality. Seeing a GP may be an option. Good luck.
 

SomeGuyOverThere

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SGOT if you are uneasy about starting a relationship or a sexual encounter at this point in your life then don't proceed now. You will overcome that anxiety in time. There are many people to discuss your worries with here as opposed to a gay bar or LGBT meeting. When you are ready to explore your sexuality you can use the internet's gay sites to converse with guys in order to start a discreet realtionship. Meanwhile enjoy your school's social activities and the friendships that you develop there.

Although there is a lot of food for thought here, I think you are closer to the mark.

I'm going to try and take things easily and slowly - I'm not the loud type who goes out partying, and I'm not the type to just go and get really drunk and screw somebody.

Partying makes me miserable and I think I'd feel guilty afterwards.

What I need is somebody near by who I can develop a relationship with, I've known a couple of guys that were possibilities, but one friendship broke down and the other wasn't going anywhere, so I need to try and meet people and develop that kind of friendship with sexual undertones that can develop into exploration.


<rents out billboard at the end of the street>

Horny Teenager Seeks Partner --------->
 

dags

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Hey Guy, try not to get so stressed about all this. You dont have to decide, you will discover and learn about yourself as time goes on. Have some fun, the opportunities to try new things will come. Allow life to unfold and go with it. When I was your age I had alot of the same questions and worries but cha know, it all works out.