I have this female best friend...

[tiedhands]

I've been stalking this board for a while and there seems to be a lot of really great, intelligent people here and I'd just like to get some advice on a situation I'm in.

I have a best friend, we'll call her 'M'. 'M' and I have been friends for about 4 yrs, and absolute best friends for about 3 of those. I'm 23 and she'll be 36 next month, but we're really on the same plane, because I act more mature than my age, and she tends to be a little looser and edgier and more fun than most people her age, so we meet in the middle. I don't use the term "soul mate" very often, but I truly, TRULY believe her and I were put on the planet to be together. We're kindred spirits, and as close as can be. So naturally, I fall absolutely head over hills in love with her about a year ago, only problem being that she's married with 2 kids. FUCK!! Anyway. We have what she calls our "emotional affair", because we work together, and we talk or text every single night for hours on end. The situation gradually got a lot deeper and hotter, and we've done everything *but* get physical. Random people and people at work even think we're a couple.

So I start trying to convince her to go further with me, because she flirts like you wouldn't believe. She then drops a bombshell on me and tells me that about 5 yrs ago, before I met her, she had an affair, and her husband found out, and basically tortured her and made her life a living hell for 6 weeks, until he left and went to Iraq, pretty much just to get away. I was livid that she's still with him after this, but she stays because of the kids, but that's another topic. So I keep trying to make advances, but don't make a move out of respect for her, I don't wanna do anything unless she's ready, and I don't want to take a chance on jeopardizing our friendship.

So what should I do? In our conversations on the phone, we have very graphic phone sex and "sexting". She's all time making comments like "I wanna fuck you like a dog in heat" or she'll give me scenarios to think about before I go to bed, etc. But when I talk about really getting physical, it's always "I really, really want to but I can't. I'm terrified he'll find out again." I've promised her we'll hide it and there's no way he'll find out, but she's not convinced. I normally would never have an affair, but I know him and he's honestly a jerk off, and she shouldn't be with him. I have more love for this woman than I ever thought was possible, and it makes me physically ill when I think about never having the chance to be with her physically. It's not so much an issue of the sex, it's more about the affection and showing my love, and making her feel great.

I'm at my wit's end. I have no clue what to do. Please, please give any and all advice you can. There are maybe 2 people in the world I can talk to about this, because we are all in the same circle, and they simply can't find out, so I usually have to turn to outside advice. I'm desperate.

 

[Principessa]

Leave her alone!!! :duh: This should really be a no brainer.

She is one of those idiots who believes in staying together for the children.:frown1: Guess what? 99% of kids know when their parents argue, stop loving each other, and frequently the children know about affairs before the other spouse does. I'm guessing she would be doing her children a favor if she divorced dear old dad, but that ain't happening. :frown1: :irked:

Her husband went to Iraq? Is he Iraqi and visiting family or is he in the military. Doesn't really matter, either way he is an abusive psycho nut. By making advances and having an emotional affair you are putting her in physical danger.

Another thing, STOP the SEXTING NOW! Deleting a text from your cell doesn't delete it from ever existing. A sext or text is as good as a paper trail. All he has to do is call their cell carrier and ask for a printout of all texts sent and received and her ass is grass.

Walk away, just walk away. She can't be helped until she decides to leave him. :frown1: Your good intentions and affections could be endangering her life and those of her children.

 

[D_Relentless Original]

To be honest, each situation is up to the person/s involved but if it was me mate, i would honestly walk away and stay away and put it down to experience and a lucky escape.

 

[the_reverend]

i was in a similar situation recently, though nowhere near as extreme in either the physical or emotional side...and the best advice i can give is this. if she's not willing to leave him to be with you, someone she professes to want to be with both emotionally and physically, then you need to extricate yourself from the situation. an affair is just a plain bad idea...if she's telling the truth about what happened to her the last time, do you want to risk putting her through that again? do you want to risk what he might do to YOU? she has to make the decision to leave him, and you can encourage her to do so, but in the end if she's not willing to...you need to move on.

here's my read on the situation, just from what you've said...she sounds very manipulative. i mean, she's going to say all of these things to you, lead you on emotionally and sexually, and then say "oh no, i can't, i can't leave him, i can't cheat on him, it's for the kids, he'd beat me up"...seems like she's got an excuse at every level. if she was really that concerned about him abusing her...well, first of all, any man who'd abuse a woman isn't a man at all and probably wouldn't have too many qualms about abusing the kids either, so if it's "for the kids" then that's all the more reason to leave him. and does she think he'll torture her LESS this time because the affair is just phone and text sex? i don't know, it just seems fishy to me. an older woman who's maybe not incredibly satisfied with her marriage (if her husband's a soldier, that means a lot of alone time and personal sacrifice), though it's not as bad as she says to you, enjoying the attention and affections of a younger man so wants to keep him on the hook, but not give up the stability and security she has already.

either way, if you're genuinely "soulmates" then she should be willing to leave him. and if she's not, whether she's too scared or a lying manipulator, it's a lot of unnecessary drama that you're better off not wrapped up in. lay down an ultimatum, and if she still won't leave him, then it's time for you to be the one doing the leaving.

 

[Principessa]

either way, if you're genuinely "soulmates" then she should be willing to leave him. and if she's not, whether she's too scared or a lying manipulator, it's a lot of unnecessary drama that you're better off not wrapped up in. lay down an ultimatum, and if she still won't leave him, then it's time for you to be the one doing the leaving.

Listen to the man, he speaks the truth.

 

[TheRob]

sounds like she is something of a crackhead to be honest
you are saying you two became best friends after knowing each other for only a year
she has affairs
stays with a man who has hurt her in some way (tho it should be noted she started the hurting)
and flirts constantly despite being married

this is not the kind of person you want a relationship with to be honest
at least not a sexual one

 

[Ramsey]

Deleting a text from your cell doesn't delete it from ever existing. A sext or text is as good as a paper trail. All he has to do is call their cell carrier and ask for a printout of all texts sent and received and her ass is grass.

I assume though, that you have to be on the plan to view these or have the carrier give them to you? Or at least proof that he is her husband and whatnot?

 

[dolfette]

dude, just back off!
she's said no. no means no.
you really want to risk the suffering it would bring her and her innocent children if she got caught?
she's learned her lesson through bitter experience and you should just quit making it hard for her.

why she stays with her hubby is between him & her...and ffs, any man would be temporarily angry & cruel in response to that betrayal.

you need to grow up. there's more to life than following your dick.

 

[chillWEguy81]

Here is my solid piece of advice: Anything more than a plutonic relationship with a married person is an absolute no-no. Do NOT go there. And stop all the dirty talk!

It doesn't matter how attracted you are to her or vice versa, or even if she's had an affair before. You are asking for problems if you start a sexual relationship with her. Have empathy for her situation, but she needs to figure out her marital problems herself and not make them potentially worse by fucking around behind her husband's back. If in the end she divorces her husband, you can then think about exploring intimate relations with her, but not until then! Even if that does come to pass, I would still be weary if I were you. Her husband may very well be an outrageous asshole to her, but I'd put money on the fact that she probably has some skeletons in her closet too about how she handled the relationship. It's ultimately your call, but I hope that you don't do something that you'll likely regret.

 

[TheWB]

lol if ur tryin to have an affair with a dudes wife while he's in Iraq have fun gettin stomped out hope it's worth it

 

[shybutwhy]

doesnt anybody realize this broad is a hoe??

first of all the age is a big sign. go on theweeklyvice.com, look at the teachers fucking students section. the vast majority are between 30-37. that middle-age crisis man...

someone that will cheat on someone then blame them for whatever measures they take is a worthless human being and a waste of sperm. its called "the ripple effect"...

and thats regardless of physical abuse that came afterwards, my thing is if you lay a finger on me ill do it right back. maybe she should learn to defend herself and stop cheating on people like she is clearly doing with you. i dont give a fuck what you see in her i know REAL women and they dont act like that. a REAL woman would never marry a man she would cheat on plain and simple. a REAL woman would never bring her drama into the workplace, and then shit all over there too.

dont be an idiot man, what you're feeling is an emotional attachment and this problem can be solved by filling the void with something positive and productive.

 

[lickme69]

She has no intention of ever having sex with you. She does however, like the fact that she has your attention and she is going to talk dirty to you and send you texts to keep you interested. She will most likely stay with her husband and have fun with the attention you give her.
I know it is going to be hard to do, but you need to leave her alone, even on the friendship level. You need to find someone you can be with and not keep it a secret.

 

[D_Leotols Toy]

Sounds like she's manipulating you. She knows she has her grasps on you. Married women are always trouble and it's best to not even bother with it. She has her cake and eating it too right now. Make her the one to feel any kind of remorse before she ends up hurting you and leaving you to feel foolish

 

[the_reverend]

Anything more than a plutonic relationship

a wealth based relationship? :biggrin1:

She has no intention of ever having sex with you. She does however, like the fact that she has your attention and she is going to talk dirty to you and send you texts to keep you interested. She will most likely stay with her husband and have fun with the attention you give her.
I know it is going to be hard to do, but you need to leave her alone, even on the friendship level. You need to find someone you can be with and not keep it a secret.

this is truth.

 

[D_Amyntas Lillydong]

been going through it myself this past year. trying to end it. women like the attention. it's bad for you though because it will go no further. quit wasting your time and find someone who is available.

 

[TheRob]

dude, just back off!
she's said no. no means no.
you really want to risk the suffering it would bring her and her innocent children if she got caught?
she's learned her lesson through bitter experience and you should just quit making it hard for her.

why she stays with her hubby is between him & her...and ffs, any man would be temporarily angry & cruel in response to that betrayal.

you need to grow up. there's more to life than following your dick.

first I agree with you about giving the guy a lil slack for being hurt
but honestly the poster has known the girl for four years, I agree that he should not pursue her but it's not just a case of him following his dick

 

[B_horribleperson]

i say you should get several of your friends together and have a big old gang rape on her

 

[_Jonesy]

All this sounds similar to what I just went through, except not as serious because she just had a jerky boyfriend and im only 2 years her senior.

But yeh, i was the same, and it didnt end well. We did stuff, he didnt find out, and she lied to cover her tracks saying she never liked me and stuff, abandoning me when I needed her. When it gets too much for her she could well do the same to you too.

Either it happens and he finds out and you're in deep trouble and you lose her, or you need to leave her alone now. Obvious choice, but also isn't easy. The only way I could do it was when it all came to a head and exploded between us two, and now we... for lack of a better word have gone from loving each other and needing one another to hating each other.

Try and drop it, it won't do either of you any good at all.

 

[Viking_UK]

I assume though, that you have to be on the plan to view these or have the carrier give them to you? Or at least proof that he is her husband and whatnot?

Have you ever put your SIM card into a new phone or swapped SIMS and found messages you thought you'd deleted? That's one way in which they can come back to haunt you. They don't get deleted as such, just marked up as being available for over-writing, same as files on your pc. That's how you can recover them.

To the OP, I'd suggest walking away. She's playing you. She is not your friend.

 

[nolbaby]

Wait dude. You said that SHE had an affair... and her husband made her life a living hell for 6 weeks when he found out... and that made you LIVID???

WHAT THE FUCK WAS HE SUPPOSED TO DO, SEND HER A THANK YOU CARD?!?!?!

guy is about to go to the other side of the world to fight for you, me, his cheating wife, and every other American... and his wife is showing her respect by having an affair? fuck that. she deserves a lot more than just 6 weeks of her life being a living hell.

I hate hearing people defend those who do horrible things to people. Having an affair behind your spouse's back is a horrible thing to do, and people who do it should be made to go through whatever their spouse feels appropriate in order for them to make up for it. But then some Captain like YOU comes along and says that you're "LIVID" because her husband retaliated? He's not the one who did the terrible thing which started the whole ordeal in the first place! She is! He got fucked over. He's allowed to stand up for himself and cause some pain if he is expected to feel it. Be livid with the people who do the fucked up stuff to begin with, not the people who stand up for themselves when it is done to them. Otherwise, we'd have a world where there are no consequences for harming others, but severe consequences for defending one's self. Sounds crazy, yeah? good, it IS fuckin crazy.