I just graduated college, and I'm pretty depressed

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_jtcri76tr, Nov 23, 2010.

  1. D_jtcri76tr

    D_jtcri76tr New Member

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    Hey team,

    I'm posting because I need a bit of advice. I just graduated college and moved back home after four years. All my high school friends have moved on to separate lives and we never really communicate, my college friends dispersed or are still up at college 3 hours away. My boyfriend broke up with me because he's still in college while I moved back and he said the long distance was the killer. To top it all off, there is NO gay community here in my town and I'm extremely anxious about finding a relationship and my future friendships in general.

    I feel like I'm back at square one, friendship/relationship wise (mainly because I am), and I'm beginning to panic.

    What should I do?

    Keep in mind that, I'm used to clubs and stuff in high school/college that are oriented towards your interests...what's there in real life??

    Thanks.
     
  2. B_ErikKimber

    B_ErikKimber New Member

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    Unless your town is truly tiny, there IS a gay community. It is just much more tight knit and discreet out of necessity. I would start with ads on places like Craigslist and Manhunt, but emphasize you are looking for friends over quick hook-ups. Meet a few guys and you will eventually be pulled into the community. I am bi and lived for a couple years in a conservative midwest town of about 20,000 people. Took awhile, but eventually found a great group of bi and gay guys to hang out with and yes, occasionally hook up with. Just be aware that many of them will be closeted and privacy and discretion are highly valued.
     
  3. nudeyorker

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    My advice is join the Peace Corps or some other organization where you can go and witness and possibly help people with real problems. While you are there you might meet someone or at least realize that your issues are small compared to what many people have to deal with on a day to day basis. At the very least it may help build your resume to make you more employable.
     
  4. Bbucko

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    This is actually a great idea.
     
  5. helgaleena

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    What reasons did you have for moving back home after graduating? Had you given any thought to what next to do with your life? Certainly these things will supersede your love life in importance.
     
  6. B_ErikKimber

    B_ErikKimber New Member

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    Did the Peace Corps thing and it is an AMAZING experience. But I will say my year in Guyana did not by any means connect me with the LBGT community. I would definitely encourage it, but not as a solution to the problem the OP stated.
     
  7. hud01

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    You are a child who has 60 years left. Don't sweat it.

    If you feel that strongly move close to a bigger city, like NYC or Philly. You may be working as a busboy and sharing an apartment, but you will have a social life.
     
  8. SparkyNYC

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    hang in there guy! try adam4adam.com or something.
     
  9. dangly

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    First off, take a deep breath and relax. Times are tough, but that doesn't mean you need to be anxious about the future; rather, there is plenty reason to be excited about the new opportunities that this change has opened up. You're 22. This is just the start of a long, fruitful, happy, and exciting life.

    So you've just graduated college. That in and of itself is an incredible achievement, and you should feel good about and be proud of your accomplishment. It also sounds like you've found work, which is a very good thing.

    You now have the opportunity to make new friends. Don't worry so much that there's no visible gay community in your town; all that does is make it slightly harder to find a date. Potential friends (gay or not) are everywhere, and potential dates are a click away on the internet.

    If you feel that your town just really isn't the place where you want to be, that's a good opportunity to start thinking about where you do want to be. Find that place, and start looking for work there. Send resumes out. At some point, you will find a job in that new place, and that's your ticket out of Tinyville. Once you're in that place where you really do want to be, the rest will all start to come together.

    The key to the whole thing is to always look on the bright side of every situation and find how you can use it to your advantage. Your life can be anything you want it to be; you just have to be optimistic and determined, take the good parts for all they're worth, and let the bad parts be bumps in the road rather than walls in your path.

    Be good to yourself, and good things will happen. :)
     
  10. erratic

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    Dude, of course you're depressed. You're going through a major life transition, you just lost your boyfriend, and you're losing most of your other social supports (your college friends and your high school friends are all gone). If there were a recipe book for depression this would be right up at the front.

    So what do you do? Nudeyorker's got it right. Do not stay locked up in your home. Doesn't mean you have to go building schools in Papua New Guinea, but get active and get out. If you stay inside you'll just stew in your depression.

    Sparky's adam4adam idea is also fantastic. Don't have a local gay community? The internet is the perfect place to find local homos. Even if you don't find dates you can at least find friends. In smaller towns especially, queer guys are often looking for networking as much as they're looking for sex and/or a relationship.

    What about PFLAG? They're freaking everywhere in North America.

    Also, don't forget to use your friends as easy excuses to travel. If they're scattered to the winds that means you have free and fun accommodation all over.

    Lastly, why are you moving home if you don't really want to? Start making your plan to move out now, if you haven't already. The sooner you start the sooner you'll be doing what you want to do.

    Good luck, guy. I know it's hard after university, I feel you. Just don't let your depression turn in to something clinical. Start working on things now. And don't forget to enjoy your time at home. I know family relationships aren't always perfect, but I'm guessing they love you and you love them. There are worse places in the world you could be :)
     
  11. B_curiousme01

    B_curiousme01 New Member

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    Okay, well that is a really interesting reply and one I think is REAL! :You_Rock_Emoticon:
     
  12. B_curiousme01

    B_curiousme01 New Member

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    So wise and well-written. Brilliant in fact. Lots to think about in this reply.
     
  13. D_jtcri76tr

    D_jtcri76tr New Member

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    Thank you all very much for the support! I'm looking on adam4adam later on tonight to see whats up with it and hopefully something comes out of it.

    also, I'm living at home because I gotta save money. My job (which fits perfectly with my major) is only 10 min away from my house so if I move anywhere, it'll most likely be more inconvenient for me, transit wise.

    Overall, I got a loving family, steady income, great job, but i'm just lacking in friends/boyfriend. I'm sure with time things will work out. I'm just EXTREMELY impatient and EXTREMELY anxious and depressed about it.
     
  14. erratic

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    Well there's your problem. ;)

    Dude, it takes time to make friends. There's nothing wrong about feeling down over not having a big social group, but being impatient about it is only going to make you feel worse. You just have to let a little time, a little effort, and a little charm work their magic. In the interim, keep reminding yourself about all the other awesome stuff in your life (ten minutes from work? Work related to your major? A great family? No freaking rent? Dude...lucky!) and keep working on making friends.
     
  15. Dave NoCal

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    I don't know...
    Small towns and cities can be pretty tough on gay folk. First of all the population is limited as is the selection of potential friends and partners, Another poster noted that there will be some gay life in almost any town of any size but it will be discreet. My word for that it "oppressed." A lifelitme of keeping quiet with your head down and looking over the shoulder does bad things to people's sense of sponteneity, fun, authenticity, and empowerment. Therefore, the limited population may be pretty beaten down. Eventually you could become so yourself.
    In my opinion, unless you have major financial reasons for staying and a truly supportive family, not just tolerant or oblivious to your gayness, a major city or, possibly, a good sized city with a major university such as Madison or Ann Arbor are much better bets for a happy and fulfilling social and intimate life.
    I suggest you seriously consider making a move while you are young and before you get more tied down. Good luck.
    Dave
     
  16. SpeedoMike

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    are you settled into the job which meets your desire as the type of job commensurate with your education? if not, my recommendation as a former personnel manager and college recruiter is that you concentrate on finding a suitable job. your college placement center may be able to help.

    it can be difficult to avoid depression when you are unsatisfied with your job.

    also, depression can be situational or clinical. clinical means there is a medical cause for the depression. do some googling on this subject and see if you feel a visit/physical with your doctor is indicated.

    best for the future!
     
  17. rangisrovus19

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    hey man, I'm going through the same thing as we speak. I graduated college, although it is in my hometown, but I've lived here for 24 years. What I am doing is looking into a masters program up north in places that I can see myself living in. This would be a huge transformation for me, as I hope nothing but good will come out of what the future holds. I suggest you listen to the above posts, as they are full of great advice, but don't think too much about your sticky situation. You won't be in the abyss for much longer. Remember, it's all up to you.
     
  18. cdog204

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    Just pack a bag and move to New York City. You'll sort it all out in due time once you get here.
     
  19. ericbythebay

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    I'd look at it as a positive, there is nothing keeping you in your home town. Save up money and apply for jobs in a big city. We love living in the Castro and are so glad we moved from central Illinois.
     
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