I just have to destroy

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by B_Anzalone, Aug 5, 2006.

  1. B_Anzalone

    B_Anzalone New Member

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    A complete shit hole
    When I get angry, like i am now, it's soo hard to type, im so fuckin furious. I get angry, or n this case furious, and i just feel the need to destroy whatever is in my grasp.

    I have had several jobs in my life, several good ones, and several shitty ones, but i have never hated a job as much as i do my current job, just going their makes me want to vomit with rage.

    I wake up this morning and have to drive 30 minutes across town to pick up my brother... my lazy drug addict brother... He hadta go over to his friends house the night previous so that he could get some drugs, do some drugs, and destroy his mind with drugs... So pick him up and drive him home, but we have to goto the mall, to buy some clothes and stuff. And since he has no job,m and spends any and all money he has on drugs He doesnt have a car, so i have to drive, And I'm running on empty, so im irritated.

    I don't like to spend money, its the only thing that gets to me on my conscience... So I'm looking around, 60 dolalrs for a pair of jeans, 40 for a tshirt, and not even things i find slightly neat or cool, so I don't want to spend money on shit i dont want or need. So my brother comes down on me "you can buy whatever gay shit you want, you can goto your gay stores, and buy your gay shit" ... I'm not literally gay, but he thinks of it as an insult, and it really irritates me when ppl use the word gay, or queer, to describe something they dont like. I'm getting angrier and angrier with every second.

    So i am trying to get home in a hurry, so i can have some sort of a day before i go and do a job i hate with every fiber of my being... We are there 3 hours, and my brother is the reason why...

    So i get to stand in a place i hate, seeing ppl i hate, before i goto a job i hate, and do work that i hate... All this piling up on me is just getting to me... so we are standing in a store, and i tell him i need to get home, and he beats around

    He had to goto the mall to begin with for a drug deal, and he had to stop and have a 40 minute conversation with everyone in the fuyckin mall... So i try to calmly tell him im in a hurry, but he doesnt seem to give a fuck... so i tell him im leaving, i come home, and am just furious, i just feel the need to destroy anything and everything i can get my hands on. So i grab a few bats i made on a wood lathe and beat the hell out of my floor, until one of the bats is cracked and the other is in splinters.

    I just want to destroy, i just want to smash and break and destroy i can't help myself... And know its really stupid, cuz ill hafta spend mney that dont want to spend replacing the things i break, but i cant help it...
    I've seen a shrink, but she wasn't help at all.

    If i get angry, aside from destroyin things, i have to listen to my music, or play my gutar, i hafta take it out vocally, or anything, i have to vent...
     
  2. alien51

    alien51 New Member

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    well, you're absolutely right!your deabeat drug addict brother doesn't care!he doesn"t care about you,he doesn't care about himself,he doesn't care about anything,HE JUST DOESN'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT MUCH OF ANYTHING EXCEPT KILLING HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!SO WHY DON'T YOU STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOUSELF,KICK HIS SICK,TWISTED LAZY ASS TO THE CURB,GET A LIFE GET LAID AND JUST GET ON WITH IT.YOU TAKE HIM WHEREVER HE NEEDS TO GO TO BUY THE SHIT THAT'S KILLING HIM.STOP ENABLING HIM! YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM!FIX THE PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  3. B_Anzalone

    B_Anzalone New Member

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    The thing is we went to the mall, to find some new clothes, the only reason i went was becuase i didnt know he'd b doing a drug deal, if i knew about it i would have never gone...

    Anyway, you're totally right.
     
  4. jfrsndvs

    jfrsndvs Member

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    alien51 right on the money with that one, don't be enabling him, tell him to provide his own transportation, his own clothes, and all that other shit.

    as for your job that you absolutely hate, so something about it, go find a different job, I have had jobs that I hated too, my ass was out there looking for a better one, the job I got now is not too bad, I can't say I hate it, the pay sucks, I am always on the lookout for a better paying job, and when one comes up, I will be taking it.

    just keep an eye out for a better job, hit the payment every chance you get, submit resumes, and as for your current job, it's only as bad as you make it, there are lots of things that I don't really like about my job and my boss, I just blow them off and get on with my job and when I leave work, I leave the job behind.

    just chill and don't get pissy, it will only make matters worse.







     
  5. D_Sheffield Thongbynder

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    Let me hear an amen!
    Am doing just that and feeling so much better about life that I wake up every day looking forward to what's in store. As for the addicted brother, that's more complicated. I have a sister who I think has become an alcoholic, and I am clueless of how to deal with it.
     
  6. thk8plus4u

    thk8plus4u Member

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    See a therapist immediately.
    You are filled with HATE, HATE, HATE.
     
  7. CUBE

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    I think you need a healthy outlit to get out this energy...fitness..anything that you can max out on. The energy on the brother is doing you in. I hope you can find some angle in life to find some peace.
     
  8. BarebackJack

    BarebackJack New Member

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    I'd say rather than focus your attention on the things you hate, focus them on the things you love or enjoy. Sure you have to go to work. But it's a means to an end. And you can live every moment in choice. In other words, you can choose to hate your job or you can choose not to. You can choose to let that hate rule your life or you can choose not to. You can choose to drive your deadbeat brother around or you can choose not to.

    You also have the power to say NO at your disposal. It's a very useful word. Use it when someone asks you to do something you really don't want to do (unless they are paying you to do it). Use it when you find yourself becoming angry: ask yourself "do I need to be angry over this?" or "is anything positive going to come out of my being angry or destructive?" Use "NO" and heed it.

    These are things nobody can take from you. They give you power when you are in control of them. But when you give them to someone else, you give them your power, your control. And that translates into destructive anger.

    Everything you don't like about your life is something you have the power to change. Live every moment in choice: choose to change. If nothing else, you can choose to allow yourself the willingnes and the ability to change. Sometimes we have to sit quietly for a few minutes, then go deep in ourselves and give ourselves permission to change. I too was an angry young guy who destryed things when I got pissed off. But by giving myself permission to change and allowing myself to change, I have. Now I can manage my anger and focus and dissipate it in more positive directions. Remember, give yourself permission to change!

    Jack

    PS: Insofar as your brother is concerned, next time you are asked to be his chauffeur, drive him right on over to your nearest rehab center, make him get out, and tell him the ride stops here. Do it every time until he gets the idea and/or stops asking you to drive him places.
     
  9. B_Anzalone

    B_Anzalone New Member

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    Okay, well, maybe i should have been a little more specific, I am 18 years old, and i will be moving out of my parents house soon, but not soon enough...

    So while I'm living with them I live with my mother and father, my 20 year old brother, and my 15 year old sister... I was driving my brother around as a favor to my mother... I try to tell her that he has a problem, but hes the first born, and obviously her favorite, so no matter what he does, or what you tell her, he can do no wrong.

    I am on the look out for a job, and i tried to call about an application i put in somewhere, but the guy only comes in at like 9 am, so hopefully that will fill out...

    And the only reason I'm in my current job was because my father is the manager and all that... thats the only reason i got the job, becuase i had worked with my father before, and he really enjoys working with me, and i him... thats the only reason i said for more than just the first week or two, becuase i knew i utterly hated that job... but i cant just leave him hanging, i think that would really make him look bad, becuase all he does is brag on me.

    And i did see a therapist, but she was no help to me, i told her how i felt, and instead of giving me feed back on my actions, or how i could have reacted better, she gave me pills and prescriptions...

    I live in hate becuase it's all I've ever known, as a child growning up i never got a pat on the back for a job well done, or for goin that extra 30 miles... all i got was yelled at if i didn't do something properly the first time, so family has never been important to me. holidays, birthdays, family events are all just a big hassle for me.

    And you can say whatever you want, you dont have it so bad, atleast you have a home, whatever... Sure i have it, i have a mother and father that were never divorced, and have a home, but nothing good comes from it...

    Everything in the world brings out the worst in me... Religion, politics, or just people in general. At the age of 6 my grandmother told me i was going to hell becuase i didn't except jesus as my lord and eternal savior.
    In french class, in highschool, i had a talk with the teacher, mr langerot...
    "You see society as the great unwashed, you don't want to be with them, but you work hard with it, and bare with it." he told me at the end of my senior year. I am not such a transparent person, but i talked to mr langerot a lot, and told him what i thought of everything, and he could read it like a book.

    I am the middle child, with no place or purpose.

    And as far as an outlit for my energy, i am the lead singer, lyricist, and now guitarist for my band. If im not working thats what I'm doing, writing poems and lyrics, writing riffs for my band, or calling up my band mates for practice.

    to quote one of my favorites, "I am the world's forgotten boy, the one who searches and destroys!"


    - Josh Anzalone Dodson
     
  10. DaveyR

    DaveyR Retired Moderator
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    This is good advice coming from me who spent my life trying to please everyone but me but here goes.

    Family are important yeah but for god's sake look what is happening they are all putting themselves first. You have to do the same. You are only here once. Don't end up sad and bitter. You have a choice. Tell them all you love them but you are not their carer.

    Take a careful look at your life and decide what you want from yourself and others. Once you have sorted that out set your ground rules and stick to them. Believe me you will get more respect from them that you are getting now.

    Power to you my friend.
     
  11. BarebackJack

    BarebackJack New Member

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    Hey Josh,

    Here's one of those great opportunities for you to make a choice. A really big choice about how you are going to live the rest of your life. You could choose to continue being the victim. You've been groomed well for it, by the sounds of it. But I don't think your rage comes out of a love of that role. I think you want a big change, but the victim in you won't let you.

    It's at this point that you can choose to go on the same old road or you can choose a different road ~ a non-victim road. Just remember that the road isn't going to move under you. You have to move over it. And that takes a certain amount of determination to achieve. You can be a vict-im or you can be a vict-or. Now would be a good time to decide, while your anger has you focused on it. I would caution about letting your anger make your decisions. Step away from the anger before you come to any concrete choice.

    That's the most optimistic thing you've posted. Good for you. Art (or in your case, music) is an excellent way to disperse emotions, whether they be anger or joy, or hate or love. Use your music as your emotional outlet, but try doing it in a way that keeps your balance on the positive side.
     
  12. kundalinikat

    kundalinikat Member

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    Find a better therapist. Look for one with a sliding scale fee. Each one is different. You'll find one who isn't a lazy bastard who hands out pills like candy.
     
  13. jfrsndvs

    jfrsndvs Member

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    that is so true, there are too many out there that just want to hand out pills, you don't need those damn pills, though it may be true a few may need them for a chemical imbalance, about 90% don't.

    it sounds to me that your family (parents in particular) try to pull you don't guilt trip lane, if you mother doesn't want to listen to you because of her "baby", then maybe you could have the law there at his next drug deal, you won't have to give your name, and don't feel guilty about doing that either.

    just because your dad helped you get the job, does not mean that you have to keep it for the rest of your life, if he is bragging about you to others at work, it sounds as if he is proud of you and the job you are doing, so that is a good thing there, and since you are only 18, you got plenty of life ahead of you, don't waste it on people controling you, you need to take control, and as another posted mentioned, learn to say NO! sure people will be pissed off at you, but later on, they will learn to respect you for being a strong Man, and not a weak wuss who wants to please everyone because it's easier to do it that way. do what you can to get yourself out on your own.

    you seem to be tallented enough to write, and have a passion for it, continue to do so, don't waste that tallent, just do it on a positive side of things, write your songs, poems or whatever you see fit at the moment to reflect on things in life that you enjoy the most, focus your energy in that direction, not on the bad, that will end up making you a bitter person, and that will make you the "victim" be a victor, be a warrior in life, the hard work will pay off in the long run.
     
  14. fortiesfun

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    If therapy is not an easy option, Al-Anon and Alateen, are organizations for persons dealing with alcoholics and other kinds of addicts in their families that run on twelve step principles. You might find some support there, and some ideas about how to take care of yourself and function in the situation. Any community large enough to have an AA group with probably have chapters.
     
  15. D_Sheffield Thongbynder

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    I underestimated the scope of your problem; sorry. All the advice given to you is sound. Do not make the huge mistake of not being proactive in taking control of your life apart from your family. I know several guys in their forties who are still dysfunctional because of their family dynamic. I think they are waiting for their parents to die before beginning living lives in earnest. Pitiful.
     
  16. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    Man, go get major counseling. YOu are too valuble to let this wreck your life. I went and it was well worth it. I had to walk away from my family for 8 years. They were the most healing and happy years of my life. You've been in it too long to be objective about it all. I hope you get help and start enjoying life.
     
  17. thk8plus4u

    thk8plus4u Member

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    You write in a very mature manner for someone your age. I have a feeling that all of your hardships have aged you; but i mean that in a good way. You've had to face many difficult lessons, and i feel for you, especially for someone so young.

    Now it's all about how you DEAL with these hardships. As said above, it's very easy to play the role of the victim ("it's because of them that i'm this way", "if this hadn't happened, i'd have turned out a better person.")... Re-
    member this: YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR DESTINY. YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR FEELINGS AND HOW YOU DEAL WITH LIFE'S CHALLANGES.
    It truly is all about choices. You can CHOOSE to go ballistic, throw things around the room, scream, yell... Or you can choose to stop and look at things for what they are. Say to yourself, "these people will not change. they will always be who they are. THEY WILL NOT EFFECT WHO I AM. I AM DIFFERENT. I AM IN CONTROL. I WILL NOT BE ONE OF THEM."

    I'm able to look back and say, "I was RESPONSIBLE for all my actions." So that i am at PEACE with everything i have done, because I WAS IN CONTROL. i answered to me, and i'm HONEST with myself. No blaming others here.

    I worked hard not to become my father, sad to say. Too many poor examples set in front of me. But early on, i said to myself, "I am in control. I will CHOOSE to be a better person." And, as it turned out, i did alright!

    The blame game is TOO EASY. Don't go down that road.

    By the way, i'm sure you're doing this already, but use the ANGER you feel and put it into words -- let your LYRICS be a way of expressing some of the RAGE you feel. Express yourself in that way; it's much healthier.

    I do wish you well.


    THK.
     
  18. headbang8

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    Let me second that, fortiesfun.

    Josh, I'm a great believer in Al-anon. It helped me where therapy couldn't.

    It goes beyond dealing with drinking problems to all kind of family dysfunction. Your brother is most certainly your Al-Anon "qualifier", but you'll recognise patterns of behaviour in other family members, too, I'm sure. Try here:

    http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
    http://www.adultchildren.org/

    Just a few thoughts from my own experience, FWIW.

    • The Al-Anon programme is particularly challenging for those who are angry or impatient. It involves a lot of listening, and letting go of anger. Be prepared for that, and give the programme some time.
    • Many of the groups are different, and have different characters and approaches. Attend a few until one clicks with you.
    • You might not be ready to let go of your anger. I think at 18, I wouldn't have been.
    • There's a lot of talk of God in AA and Al-Anon. If you're not religious, don't let that put you off. It's more a spiritual program in the broadest sense. I'm an atheist, and I do fine.
    I identify with one particular part of your story: I'm not an angry person, but I have never been so purple with rage as when either parent boasted of me to other people, or said they were proud of me in public. Weird? Maybe. Here's what made me mad: they would never say it to my face--in fact, they pretty much spent 24/7 telling me how unimportant, lousy and worthless I was. Later, they would justify it by calling it "tough love". Personally, I called it no love. And I was right.

    Josh, take care of yourself. Feel free to write if I can help.
     
  19. B_Anzalone

    B_Anzalone New Member

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    A complete shit hole
    I think I've been aged in more than one way, most people think i am very mature for my age, after they find out im only 18, but they usually take me for a 30-something at first... You see most of my hair has grayed by now...

    I think it makes me look distinguished!
     
  20. dolf250

    dolf250 New Member

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    I can't offer much advice- but if the therapist was no help you may want to try some sort of group therapy. I find that the “professionals” quite often know what a book has told them, but it may be helpful to hear what those who suffer with anger do/ how they handle it. You are too young to live with this hate your whole life.

    Good luck what ever you decide.
     
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