I know my friend is gay, but we're both closeted

[brendawg]

I've been involved with a college theater program with this guy that is extremely hot, yet we're both closeted. However, I know for a fact that he is gay as a few of the friends that he has outed himself to have either accidentally or purposely outed him, and he accidentally used the word "top" in a sexual reference around me, and it's blatantly obvious.

I told him that I'd heard a rumor that he was gay and wanted to know the truth but he denied it. I want to figure out the best way to get him to admit it, because it'd be nice to at least be able to talk to someone going through the same things as me... or maybe find something more.

 

[nashboy]

im sure he would be willing to talk to you about if he is gay. so just do it anyway. let him know you feel cool enough with him to tell him and then he'll prob just tell you.

 

[WaSwimmer]

Well, you say you're BOTH closeted, but you just want HIM to admit that he's gay. Sounds to me like YOU'RE the one who needs to step up to the plate and admit who you are to him. Then, IF he's comfortable with you, AND he's gay, we may feel empowered to come out to you. Don't ask for what you're not willing to give.

 

[brendawg]

The thing is that I would be coming out to someone I've only known for a week and it would be my first time to come out... and I'm afraid that this other openly gay guy will beat me to him, because Steven (that's what I'll call the closeted guy) apparently told him he was gay.

I'm also afraid that he'll let my secret slip or just continue to lie to me about his sexuality.

But you think I should just come out to him?

 

[widenine]

If he is a friend, why don't you say...

You say: "Friend, May I confide in you about a personal matter without being judged?

He says: Of course, I'm very discrete. "And you will have to decide if he really is."

You then say: I'm struggling because I believe I might be closeted...

He says: What do you mean? You believe you're not heterosexual?

You say: Yes, I sometimes feel those "forbidden" attractions... and hope that you would be willing to share your thoughts when I need a friend. What do you think?":censored:

 

[brendawg]

If I've only known him for a week and know that I'll definitely be seeing a lot more of him, should I just wait and try and get to a point where there is a mutual trust between us? I mean obviously me telling steven that I'm closeted would create some trust...

 

[WaSwimmer]

Yup, I think you should come out. Obviously, you're hoping that he has trust in you, (after knowing him only a short while), so why shouldn't you have the same faith in him? Faith and trust is a two way street.

Also, you're now an adult. Your sexuality, though maybe a little uncomfortable at this early stage of your life, is still part of the whole YOU. You wouldn't be ashamed of the fact that your eyes are brown, why be ashamed of the fact that you are gay. The sooner you face who you are and learn how to manage it well, the sooner you will grow into the person you want to be. Don't be ashamed of being gay, it's not a sin or something that open-minded people will care about. In fact, those truly good people out there (the ones who care about you and who are worthy of being your friends) will respect you all the more for your honesty and your trust in them.

And those people who don't like it? Do you really care about them anyway? The main thing is not to rub people's faces in these things. Mention it in passing, and let it be done.

Good luck

 

[brendawg]

Wow that's great advice.
I don't know exactly the best way to tell him, and I'm sure it's going to be really hard and take a lot of courage, but maybe it will help me come out to some of my other friends that aren't gay. I know that they would still accept me regardless, but I guess you'd understand as well that it's not always easy.

 

[WaSwimmer]

Good on ya, man.

Yup, it will take a lot of courage, your knees will shake, and you'll find lots of 'what - if' scenarios running through your mind. And no, it's not easy. But after you've done it, you, I GUARANTEE, will feel SO damned free and strong and proud of yourself. Not only that, but you'll wonder why you waited so long to do it.

Good luck, be strong, and be proud of yourself.

 

[saabman]

It seems to me that if he was "interested" in you, then he would admit to being gay. If he's not, then i would take it as a hint that he's not into you. I think he's trying to be nice and not hurt your feelings.

 

[dreamer20]

this guy is extremely hot, ...
I told him that I'd heard a rumor that he was gay and wanted to know the truth but he denied it. I want to figure out the best way to get him to admit it

...I'm afraid *openly gay guy will beat me to him, because Steven (that's what I'll call the closeted guy) apparently told him he was gay.
I'm also afraid that he'll let my secret slip or just continue to lie to me about his sexuality.

You asked the question and the answer was "not gay". Don't press the issue. You should have gotten to know him well, let him know about your sexuality and found out if he likes you before asking such a personal question. I suspect that he views you as a being a nosy pest now. You have to decide whether to continue being in the closet or not. If you come out you won't have to worry about *the rumor mill letting that secret slip.