I know/thinK I cheated on my wife! Do i tell her??

[Skull Mason]

chalk this one up as a loss, recognize how you feel right now, and just move on. Don't say a word. And if that's all you really did, as opposed to getting a blowjob or something, I wouldn't feel tooo bad about it. 12 years and all you did was jerk off on some strippers titties? Kudos...

 

[agnslz]

Man even though you didnt much....just based on the act alone u are in a pickle....telling her is up to you b/c you know better than we do how she is going to react....but you REALLY need to drop the dude u hang with....dont see how you can call someone like that a "friend"

I agree with this post! Your friend is really not your friend if he encouraged the whole bit by telling horny gals that you've got a big one. I wonder if he's married? Perhaps he doesn't see marriage as you do? Anyway, I think you'd know better what to do than we do. Perhaps fully explaining to your wife what happened, and being honest with her, will be a good thing. However, she may see what you did as a big thing and blow up about it. Who knows. I agree with HollyBlue that you should weigh having a guilty conscience against hurting your wife, and possibly your marriage, over this. If you don't tell her, the best thing to do, IMO, is never to put yourself in these situations again! Going out with friends like that one doesn't seem to be a wise decision!

 

[kurios]

Donot Tell Her !!

 

[hung]

I would agree with the reply by "Luge."

Then also remember someone else suggested that you seek a "Private Confession" with your clergyman.

Yes, I certainly feel that this experience will also allow you to go on with your life, but why tell your wife?

Yet another question develops: I hope this guy is no longer your friend.

 

[scanjock8]

Has everybody lost their collective minds in the ivory tower? Of course you don't tell her. Live with your indiscretion by yourself. Why do you have the right to burden her with your foolishness and ruin a 12 year marriage. Bury the incident and bury the shovel. You will hopefully remember this for the remainder of your life. If you don't do anything like this again, you have proven yourself worthy of her love and your silence. If you cannot keep it in your pants when she is not around, then give up on your marriage and go out and be single. Telling her now will only ruin your marriage, her trust and your future. Get a grip and go with the time honored tradition of silent suffering and guilt for a while. Time, and future fidelity, will heal this wound.

Sage advice. Spare your wife the burden of trying to forgive you.

 

[RoyalT]

My ex used to say 'oh he's fit' and I'd say 'look at the tits on her etc' thats normal and honest. We all see people wel like.

Anyway in this case, yes I think you should tell her. You didn't fuck them. And maybe you could be flexible with the truth and say 'I came in the corner/on myself' with the girls at the other end of the room with your co-worker.

You should tell her though, lest she find out from someone else and assume you're a lying, cheating mofo and that that time was only one of many that you didn't own up to.

Tell her, keep the bodily contact/hotness of the women details to a minimum. Good luck.

 

[Wrat]

Well...what you did was wrong and you know it and it is also wrong to take the emotional guilt load off of your shoulders. That's not fair.
Okay, yes, you have some confessions to make, and you did make some bad decisions, and you need to face them, but telling your wife every rotten thing you did that night will torture her, and she doesn't need it.

Unless of course she makes a hobby of taking every misspent moment of your life and torturing you for it.

 

[marcusd85]

Dont tell her. It was no biggie. You've learnt your lesson. Remember not to mess things up in the future.

 

[Onslow]

Last night I went out with a male co-worker to a local bar, there we met these 2 hotties (from out of town) at the bar, they both were wearing mini-skirts and they made it a point to show us they were not wearing panties. I wish I could blame the booze but I knew what I was doing the whole time.
We walked them to there hotel and just as we were walking away my buddy yelled to them how about giving us a show, they of course said sure. So after not much coaxing I agreed to go to there room with my buddy (thinking the whole time this is not a good idea turn around now).
We got up there and they put on a show for us, my buddy right away got into it and soon he was naked in the middle of them, they kept calling me over to join them and I just stood there finally my buddy says get him over here he's got a big one, the girls tried to pull me in to join them and I pulled back enough so they let me go and this happeneg a few times with the whole time thinking again this is not a good idea. I got tired of this and said what if I just jackoff for you. (I really thought they would stop bothering me) So like school children they kneeled down in front on me and said well lets see you, so not thinking I dropped my pants and began jacking off while my buddy did them doggy. Well I shot my load on there tits and they did not preform oral or anything on me nor I on them(except for cumming on there tits) and ONLY then did they rub my balls.
I've been married 12 years and I've NEVER done anything EVER, or put myself in a situation like this before.
I know it wouldn't change anything if I could blame the booze and even then that would be a weak lame excuse.
I knew the whole time what I was doing and kept listening to that vioce in my head and I ignored it.

My wife gets back Friday from a week in cabo with her girlfriends.

Now my questions is do I tell her and ruin 12 married and 15 years total or do I feel like crap and somehow live with it.
Is it better my wife doesn't know.

Any imput would help.

Feeling like shit.

Your last 3 words said everything. This is going to eat at you until you do say somehting.

Accompanying the women back to their room could have been viewed as a gentleman thing to do but why go in the room? And the real change came as soon as your friend had stripped naked, you knew then that it was going into a sexual situation. Then you shot your wad on the women's tits and then you allowed her to rub your balls. At least you know you can't blame the booze.

From a personal perspective I started the path of relationship destruction in a very similar way. I'm a gay man so there are some differences--but only in the fact that there were no women involved. I performed oral on anothere man and figured I got away with it. I did it again and slowly things progressed to more and more physical intimacy. Eventually it led to full sex. At that point there was no question about what I had done. I got the nerve up to tell my partner and Ray was livid. He was more angry that I had kept quiet for a few years after the initial event than he was over the activity. Eventually, the activity (which I became addicted to) was too much for him. When Ray finally tossed me aside--in part for booze and various drugs-- he made clear it was the fact that I had concealed my sexual activities from him. He saw that as the biggest violation of our relationship and stuck by the fact that if I had told him after the first time, that he would have been able to forgive it completely. Also the fact that I did not tell him immediately let me believe I had gotten away with it and that in turn made me take more and more risks figuring he would never find out.

Bottom line here is that you have to make your own decision, but keep in mind, hiding the truth is not going to hepl long term and really can only hurt the relationship. If the relationship with your wife is solid enough it will survive this--with a lot of groveling on your part. If she will not forgive you then it is better to find that out now. What happens if a year or 5 years down the road one of these women is back in town and is at a restaurant where you and your wife are? Your wife heads to the ladies room and the woman who fondled you, comes over to the table and starts talking you up. Your back is towards where your wife has headed and she returns to hear you mentioning how good it felt when you shot your load on this woman's tits. Isn'ty it better to just get it out in the open now? Remember, I am speaking from experience.

 

[tripod]

I gave this some thought and like most everyone else, I believe in total honesty, that said, I have a Buddhist's perspective on guilt that I would like to share. When we mess up and we "feel like shit" we are like a thirsty animal wandering around looking for fresh water. We are seeking a solution to our new "problem" constantly. We just want the pain to go away and we will stop at nothing until it does.

Well, the pain you feel is YOUR pain it is also the potential pain of your partner that you are taking on. We think that there must be a solution to this, some sort of a cessation to the current wretched state that we have caused for ourself. We then turn to the one who loves us... THE SAME ONE THAT WE HAVE POTENTIALLY HURT! We think that some foregiveness or even ABSOLUTION would take away the pain... Like when we were young and had a financial problem and couldn't handle it, and ask for Mom and Dad to find the solution.

We think that we would feel better if we got it off of our chest.

That is an ILLUSION

All you are doing is walking up to the one you love and punching them in the face. They might forgive you... but you will have RUINED their world. Do you have the right to ruin your loved one's world? Damn straight you don't, especially because of your careless behavior. Your careless behavior is going to saddle you with guilt... THAT IS YOUR GUILT, DON'T SLOUGH IT OFF ON YOUR LOVED ONE, OR TRY TO DRAG THEM INTO YOUR LITTLE WORLD FULL OF DECEIT AND SHAME! THEY DON'T DESERVE THAT KIND OF TREATMENT!!!!!

I am reminded of the old movie scene where one lover is holding the other in their arms but they are dying at that very moment. The dying lover is frantic to try and tell the other some bit of infidelity that perpetrated earlier in their life. What does the surviving lover do? They tell them to hush, that they don't want to hear another word. They usually even put their hand gently over the dying person's mouth, so as to not hear it, even if the dying person didn't want to listen.

Our reality is subjective and not always very accurate, but that is okay. We are all building a Dramatic movie that will play back at the end of our life right before our eyes as we die. Try not to add this crappy chapter to it okay? It's bad enough that it will be in your movie as you capitulate your life, why insert it into your loved one's? Wouldn't you rather have that chapter left out of her life? How much do you love her? Enough to keep your damn mouth shut for eternity? Do You REALLY LOVE HER?

Of course, if there is a chance that she could find out, things are different. Some people appreciate honesty, and others appreciate piece of mind. But you don't really have the right to ruin your partners reality for your own absolution. You need to foregive YOURSELF, not seek foregivance in the arms of your partner. But, it is your call obviously, I just wanted to illustrate the nature of guilt and foregiveness, and point out that they are not always what they seem. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!

 

[ripsrips]

Thanks for all your advice!

A couple of things I left out, this is a really small town, however the girls were here on vacation from spain so seeing them in town again highly unlikely, as they did mention at the bar that "IF" they ever come back to the US they want to see the mid-west or east coast. The coworker not my friend (I did refer to him as buddy not friend) was in town for computer training and he lives in Atlanta and he has never met my wife in the 7 yrs working for our employer and never will, I can control that.

I did talk to my minister and just talked in generic terms and I said if someone breaks the trust in marrage, but doesn't actually have sex with someone should you really tell them, his response really brought it home, do you really really believe the truth is always 100% necessary, and is it for your benifit or for hers, who's going to benifit from it.

So I have the rest of the week to beat myself up over and the rest of my life, and to get every hunny-do project done and put it as a very very stupid mistake.

I'm not saying a word.


Thanks for all your advice

 

[Onslow]

The coworker not my friend (I did refer to him as buddy not friend) was in town for computer training and he lives in Atlanta and he has never met my wife in the 7 yrs working for our employer and never will, I can control that.

There is no guarentee on that. You think you can contol it, but could be wrong. Your co-worker could end up working in your small town. Possibly you could end up at the same company. Nezxt thing you know, you're at dinner at Chez Divorce and the wife is nowhere to be found as you are awaiting her return from the ladies room. Your buddy as you now call him, spills the beans by recalling that memorable evening, again, just as your wife is returning. Or the buddy is in town for another seminar or training session, he gets a hold of your phone number, your wife answers the phone, says you are out, your buddy gets directions to the house and is there when you come home. Your wife heads off to do whatever, your buddy is talking and says something and that is just at the moment that your wife has come back in--seems she forgot her car keys.

Hey it's your grave, use a good shovel to dig it.

I did talk to my minister and just talked in generic terms and I said if someone breaks the trust in marrage, but doesn't actually have sex with someone should you really tell them, his response really brought it home, do you really really believe the truth is always 100% necessary, and is it for your benifit or for hers, who's going to benifit from it.

Either Your minister is an ass or you are not disclosing everything here or possibly to him. If you truly told him about breaking a trust in a marriage and he was worth his salt he would make clear that you must be honest--unless of course he boinking half the congregation himself and so he knows it's best to keep quiet.

Again, it's your grave so just use a good solid shovel.

As for those two tarts, they say they won't be back and they claim to be from Spain, but who is to say they were being honest>? If they were willing and ready to put out for the first two guys they met at the bar and were in such a small town, it could happen again. As I indicated earlier, even with your own self-reproach the hiding of the truth will eat at you (as apparently it already is) and eat at you until it kills you.

Once more use a good solid shovel, one with a nice strong handle as you dig your grave--and be sure to dig it long, wide and deep.
Sorry if this sounds too harsh, but I am going with experience and know the Hell you are putting yourself in for.

 

[D_N Flay Table]

i will touch this one later..
I have to go.. but this is good.
"a week in cabo with the girlfriends eh?"
hahaha
ok..
"I'll be back"

 

[D_Martin van Burden]

Personally, I'm not going to give you much credit on this one. You sound pretty guilt-riddled as it is, and I think your wife is going to notice a change in your behavior. I think significant others, especially if they've been around a while, know what's up when things are going bad. They can tell, and then you two will end up fighting it out a bit because you don't want to tell her, you think she'll hate you for it, and you think your relationship is doomed. And yet, all that thinking isn't going to do much to fix what's going on in your heart.

I think you should tell, simply because you were totally coherent of what you were doing the entire time and you fell into some peer pressure. If you genuinely did not want to do what you did, you could've left. You could have called a cab home; your buddy could have done the same. The girls would've gotten over it, surely, and your buddy might have ragged on you until you gently remind him that he got to tag that much more puss. You could've said you were uncomfortable.

I don't think it's fair to inadvertently punish your wife because you didn't want to speak up.

I think it's a conversation that the two of you need to have alone. Sit down and be honest. I don't know if your wife would take it any better because you did not have sex; I would hope so. But to rationalize that she might have been doing the same thing in Cabo...

Okay, interesting point. Your disclosure might set her up to disclose something as bad if not worse, and that might be something you need to know. Hmmm.

The obvious easy way out is silence, but at what cost are you willing to wear that burden? This isn't just going to go away, dude.

 

[Leviathan]

If you hide it, you will always lie to yourself. You will start telling yourself "but I didn't do anything to them". Maybe next time you won’t be able to resist...maybe next time you’ll go for full sex. If a marriage lasted for 12 years, it should survive this, with years and years of damage control. A relationship is based on trust, you already fucked that up. You will break her by telling her, but at least there would be SOME degree of dignity and trust left. Don’t tell her, and then she would be living along side a lie. And believe me, it will become harder and harder to keep the truth away from her. These things catch up to you. Tell her, take a beating; you deserve it, just as she deserves the truth. I really wish things will work out for you two. In all sense of the matter, it is you’re choice what to do. But remember as said by many other members, if she ever finds out later on, it will be over for sure. Best of luck.

 

[HotBulge]

This is one of those few times when being honest may not be helpful. You place blame for your indiscretion squarely with yourself. It doesn't read as though you have any marital problems, where cheating was reflective of something that was not working well in your marriage.

If you are trying to improve your relationship with your wife, then there is a benefit to telling her the truth. If not, then let your indiscretion remain your secret. This is not the best analogy, but would you call the police to alert them that you ran a red light a 2AM knowing that no one else was around? Obviously not! You know that you committed a misdemeanor, but what is to be gained by telling the police? All the police can do is to warn you not to do it again; all your wife can do, after the upset, is to warn you not to have a lapse in good judgment again.

 

[hung]

If you hide it, you will always lie to yourself. You will start telling yourself "but I didn't do anything to them". Maybe next time you won’t be able to resist...maybe next time you’ll go for full sex. If a marriage lasted for 12 years, it should survive this, with years and years of damage control. A relationship is based on trust, you already fucked that up. You will break her by telling her, but at least there would be SOME degree of dignity and trust left. Don’t tell her, and then she would be living along side a lie. And believe me, it will become harder and harder to keep the truth away from her. These things catch up to you. Tell her, take a beating; you deserve it, just as she deserves the truth. I really wish things will work out for you two. In all sense of the matter, it is you’re choice what to do. But remember as said by many other members, if she ever finds out later on, it will be over for sure. Best of luck.

 

[biguy_ondl]

Is jackin' cheatin'? I don't think so. I would evaluate the situation with your friend. Does he have a big mouth, is he married too? If he's married, you got something on him and remind him that if he opens his big mouth. You will do the same.

Don't do anything like this again if you can't stomach the guilt. Sounds like your not a player so don't get in a player situation, walk away next time dude.

Go do something for the wife to make it up to her, to ease your pain, but don't bring this up if it's not going to be brought up by someone else. If you think someone is going to tell her.... better do it yourself.

I think you exercised some caution by not screwing those hotties, what's the difference from lookin at porn and jackin' and watchin your friend screw those ladies and jackin', it's just where the spunk landed right? Do not tell her if she is going to stay in the dark.

 

[wifeofalargeman]

I agree with your minister and half the people who responded, keep it to yourself. Most the time people confess it is to make themselves feel better.
Learn from your mistake and don't get yourself in that position again.

But I will say jacking off in a room with any woman who is not your wife is
not the same as jacking off in the privacy of your own home. And if
my husband did that and I found out I would consider it an infidelity as I am
sure he would consider me masturbating in front of two hot guys an infidelity. I have always asked myself before anything questionable
was or could have happened would I care if my partner did this, that generally puts things in perspective.

 

[Duane.Ament]

Dude - Don't tell her. She will hold it against you and never forget. Really - it would be stupid to "clear your conscience."