I May Have Made A Mistake - I Need Opinions

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deleted2069731

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Context: I am in my 40's with a son in his 20's. I've been "straight" most of my life up until recently when I've finally said fuck it and started fucking whoever I wanted. I'd say I'm pansexual. My son is a pretty handsome guy and tends to have handsome friends.

Current issue: One thing led to another and I ended up chatting with one of my son's friends on Grindr. We both had "faceless" profiles and had shared every nude under the sun before we eventually showed faces and realized we knew each other (part of me wonders if he knew from the start, since I have tats and a specific build and he's got no identifying markers I could notice and connect to him until I saw his face.) That already feels weird enough but we ended up fucking and immediately afterwards I felt a wave of such intense guilt.

I know this guy well enough to know he's not gonna go around telling everyone or telling my son without discussing with me first, and we're both adults, but it just makes me feel like a bad father for fucking my son's friend. He wants it to be a regular thing and I just feel like it'd be fuckin' weird to sneak behind my son's back like I'M the child and he's the parent, but idk how my son would feel if I told him.

I just need opinions/advice. Is this as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be? Should I tell the guy it's not gonna happen again (the sex was great, if it was anyone else I'd 100% have fucked him multiple times already)? Should I come clean to my son and deal with whatever feelings he has about it?
 

DarkOverlord

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I guess he doesn't really have a say in who you or his friends sleep with but that doesn't stop him from potentially having feelings about it. I realise it's a bit late but you could bring up the idea of if one of his friends were to hit on you to gauge his reaction and carry on the conversation from there.
I would definately say that if it is getting in your head about if you should be doing it (in not a fun taboo way) it's worth sorting out before you fuck each other again.
Hope you find a resolution that works for you.
 

halcyondays

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First question is whether you can make it a regular thing if you feel such intense guilt after your first time together.

Would it be too weird to continue?

Do you tell your son about your other sex partners? If you keep them private can you do the same about your son's friend?

Sounds to me like the guilt alone makes it a big deal for you.

I don't have children but I have been with the adult children of friends and acquaintances. I keep it private. Most of them have, too.
 

MilfBanger78

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Eh, the guy prolly wouldnt want your son knowing he's into that stuff anyways to begin with, let alone with his dad. My only concern would be if ur son n him ever have a falling out.

Sounds like you had a hot time though. Few yrs back i fucked my nieces best friend, she was like 25 but had a crush on me since her early teens. Niece doesnt know. Have also fucked quite a few of my older sis' friends/co-workers. Some she knows about, some she doesnt cuz they were married. lol.
 
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7053701

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Context: I am in my 40's with a son in his 20's. I've been "straight" most of my life up until recently when I've finally said fuck it and started fucking whoever I wanted. I'd say I'm pansexual. My son is a pretty handsome guy and tends to have handsome friends.

Current issue: One thing led to another and I ended up chatting with one of my son's friends on Grindr. We both had "faceless" profiles and had shared every nude under the sun before we eventually showed faces and realized we knew each other (part of me wonders if he knew from the start, since I have tats and a specific build and he's got no identifying markers I could notice and connect to him until I saw his face.) That already feels weird enough but we ended up fucking and immediately afterwards I felt a wave of such intense guilt.

I know this guy well enough to know he's not gonna go around telling everyone or telling my son without discussing with me first, and we're both adults, but it just makes me feel like a bad father for fucking my son's friend. He wants it to be a regular thing and I just feel like it'd be fuckin' weird to sneak behind my son's back like I'M the child and he's the parent, but idk how my son would feel if I told him.

I just need opinions/advice. Is this as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be? Should I tell the guy it's not gonna happen again (the sex was great, if it was anyone else I'd 100% have fucked him multiple times already)? Should I come clean to my son and deal with whatever feelings he has about it?
Well, you can have sex with anyone you want to. You just opened up your borders, and are not only actively cruising, but engaging.

He isn't marriage material. He is a good lay. Find someone else who isn't going to threaten your relationship with your son, and who won't make you feel like a dirtbag.
 
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deleted1074483

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I would guess the answer would depend on certain factors? Does you son know that you've redefined your sexuality? have you discussed that with him? is he ok with it? Assuming he is, then the 'who' you have sex with, so long as consenting between adults etc shouldn't freak him out. The second factor is that this guy is your son's friend - and there i'd say it depends on how you'd see this developing with the guy? if you think its a longer term thing, then i'd say you definitely need to have that discussion with both the guy and your son - you can't tell your son without speaking to the guy in question in case he's not out/doesn't want your son to know - if he's happy with that and it is a longer term thing then yes i think you definitely need to speak with your son about it - you don't need your son's permission though!
if its a short term fling/fb thing then your son doesn't need to know anything? if your son is a guy in his 20s he shouldn't have an issue with his dad having some fun. And if he does then thats more his issue than yours.
 

bellybama

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I would guess the answer would depend on certain factors? Does you son know that you've redefined your sexuality? have you discussed that with him? is he ok with it? Assuming he is, then the 'who' you have sex with, so long as consenting between adults etc shouldn't freak him out. The second factor is that this guy is your son's friend - and there i'd say it depends on how you'd see this developing with the guy? if you think its a longer term thing, then i'd say you definitely need to have that discussion with both the guy and your son - you can't tell your son without speaking to the guy in question in case he's not out/doesn't want your son to know - if he's happy with that and it is a longer term thing then yes i think you definitely need to speak with your son about it - you don't need your son's permission though!
if its a short term fling/fb thing then your son doesn't need to know anything? if your son is a guy in his 20s he shouldn't have an issue with his dad having some fun. And if he does then thats more his issue than yours.
This.

If you havent had the sexuality discussion with your son yet, then it's a minefield.

If it's just a fling, maybe cut your loses before it blows up? There's plenty of fish in the sea, if it's just a shag that you're seeking.

And then if it does become more serious, I think it depends on what "phase" of their 20's they're in. Going with a 22 year old to a party, and doing keg stands with your son watching could be pretty awkward. Not that you should be a prude, y'know? Late 20's, the age gap isn't as pronounced.
 
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Scouse_sean

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The fact that you felt guilty says it all. If you haven’t told your son about your new sexuality then his mate knew before he did. That would hurt if it was me.

Plus friendships can break down easily and you don’t want to put yourself in a situation where that guy could use what you two did to hurt your son.

mid chalk it up to a mistake and move on. You’re obviously a guy who’s not going to struggle for offers, I’d move on a talk to your son at some point about your changes when you’re comfortable.
 

headbang8

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Tough call.

The way I see it, if it squicked you out that much, you wouldn’t have had sex with him in the first place. He wants to make it a regular thing, and so do you, so he’s not feeling squeamish. Even if it’s not a FWB arrangement, likely both of you will hook up again when the opportunity arises. IMHO, the die is cast. You can’t put the genii back in the bottle.

So, you’re going to need to treat this like any other affair. Do you generally introduce your son to your girlfriends/boyfriends or casual hookups? If not, no need to mention it. You’re not “sneaking around behind your son’s back”, you’re simply keeping your personal life personal, as might be expected of a mature adult. Carry on as usual, and fuck each other’s brains out.

The difficulty arises if it turns into something deeper. Will your son notice if his dad and his pal coincidentally always seem to go away for a weekend at the same time? Do you want to spend time with the guy outside the bedroom, in public, where your son or other mutual friends could happen upon you? Will your circle of friends overlap? Are you a dad who hangs out with his son and his buddies normally, where you lovers could front up to the same gatherings anyway? Is your son gay/bi/pan, and has he hooked up with his buddy, or had the hots for him?

If your relationship deepens, tread carefully. The sex may not be the most important part. Are you barging into your son’s personal, social and emotional life? Would you be welcome as a peer in your lover’s circle of friends, which includes your son?

The first thing you’ll need to do is make sure you’ve shared your orientation with your son. It wasn’t appropriate for his friend to know it before he did, as @Scouse_sean pointed out. It’s the sort of thing which, as a family member, I would have hoped a father would share, anyway, if we had an honest, open father-son relationship. You’ll likely need to come out to him eventually—if the shoe were on the other foot, you’d like to think he would come out to you, right?

Thereafter, it’s a delicate situation. One in which your lover has some high stakes, but in which you have a special responsibility. You can’t ask for your son’s blessing before pursuing his friend; you can’t unbreak the egg. But I would certainly get his blessing before going public. A few casual fucks is one thing, but if you and your lover present yourselves as an item to his wider friend circle, that’s really messing with his life.

Imagine you had casual sex with a woman in her forties, whom your son knew. Say, his college instructor, or a relative of his mother’s. He might say go for it, or he might actually dislike the woman and not want her to become his step parent. If your son objected, you’d probably break it off, right? You might have to do the same.

Think of it this way. You and you lover might not just change the dynamics of your son’s social circle. Potentially, you’re changing the dynamics of his family. His buddy could become his step-dad. His buddy will know his father intimately, in ways that he himself never can. His buddy might even become emotionally closer to his father than he is. Parents always need to be careful when introducing a potential step parent, and this case is no exception, though it is exceptionally harder than usual.

But whatever happens, I’d make it clear that if your son objects, your lover must accept it. At the same time, you can’t give your son veto power over your sex life. How does your lover feel about it? In many ways, he has to be the bigger man than your son does

It’s tough. My aunt went to high school with a young woman who’d lost her mother. Her widowed father took a shine to my aunt, and they married. Let’s just say it didn’t end well,
 

MrTMT

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@cloud9fakes , Reading up your story I see this is a case of glass half empty or glass half full. All depends on what you're looking at in this situation. My take on this is that you're both adults, you're not cheating (assumed neither of you are involved with someone else), sex was consensual and was enjoyed by both. Your only issue was with your son as a friend of the guy.

You and the other guy aren't obligated to anyone.

I don't see any good to expose your "secret" to your son as it will not solve anything. Sometimes things better left unsaid.
 
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1088431

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I’m gonna offer a different and diverging opinion than most.

If you were both on Grindr, you were there to get off. Maybe something more but it doesn’t sound like it.

I doubt he would say anything. If he did, it’s his word against yours. He may have receipts but I don’t know many people who will plaster their own nudes as well as someone else’s anywhere or to anyone. You’re likely safe in that regard.

In terms of sexuality, I don’t get the difference between pan and bi. I like cis men and cis women. Is that the difference? Anyway, you’re at a point in your life where you should be free to do what you want. If you’re with his mother, some discussion of communication about what you’d both go for in an open arrangement is appropriate. For both of you. I am in a somewhat open relationship - somewhat in the sense that when one of us actually has the energy after working like a dog to go do something (someone? lol) the other gets all the details upfront. He knows I trust him. He trusts me. My two rules are you tell me and you stay safe. (If they’re hot I want pictures and maybe to join. Not kidding! We’ve had threesomes with a mutual friend several times but he likes what he likes and I like what I like.)

I digressed a little there but I hope what I said helped. Good luck to you!
 

manju

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If it makes you feel bad don't have sex with the guy. I don't think the sex is more important than a healthy relationship with your son. If I were your son I'd be more than upset and would be very confused that you are having gay sex.
 
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ronin001

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With the NY COVID infection rate at about 4% in February, it was not wise to be on grinder to begin with.. Unless you and and the friend are essential workers, you probably were not vaccinated yet, at your age groups . Unlike porn where everything comes out OK, no matter who bangs who, in real life there can be consequences

Not being judgmental, just being real
 

Dean_abc

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I don't have children so I might not be able to tell how it really feels, and I might oversimplify, but in my opinion the bottom line is about how you're feeling about it. If you're feeling guilty about it, then you should stop and let the guy know. If that is not enough to lift your guilty, try talking to your son and things should come clean.