I May Have To Change My Percentage

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Bbucko, Feb 28, 2011.

  1. Bbucko

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    The leather/BDSM/extreme sex community here in SoFla is small and very close-knit, but in many ways is still sorta old guard in relation to Pansexuality: it's generally looked on with suspicion (and a rather heavy-handed disgust) among the gays and is usually an MFF thing among straights. The two mingle only rarely as far as men (both straight and gay) are concerned.

    As I've always considered myself a latent bisexual (two MF encounters after I came out, both in my 20s) who's never really explored that side of my sexuality, certainly not to the extent that I've enjoyed the delights of MM sexuality over the past 34 years :rolleyes: Self-identifying gay has always just been so much easier for me.

    About four years ago I met a semi-pro Domme who's well known in town. She's probably not bisexual so much as omnisexual, and is very much a figure in our one leather bar here. We've always been cordial, but as I have no interest in the services of a Domme, always kept her at arm's length (much as I do with male Doms/tops).

    We bumped into each other recently and she really turned on an aggressive charm that she'd never shown me before, actively seeking my attention, both conversationally and in a sexualized way that crossed a new line in our interaction. She also instigated some (illegal, at least in the venue where we were) sexual activity between two guys knowing that I, at the very least, would find the whole thing something of a kick (and I did, of course). Afterward, we exchanged numbers.

    Since then, we've had a series of conversations that made it quite clear that she would like to explore other types of sexualized behavior between us. I've been cagey but not explicitly negative, though I have some grave reservations about actually taking the plunge.

    First and foremost is, of course, my HIV status. Though very well-versed in safer sex protocols, I've made it a habit to eschew them in favor of serosorting exclusively with other poz men for the past six or so years. Though I know she's aware of my habits in this regard through mutual contacts, I can't recall ever having discussed this with her specifically and in detail. Obviously such a conversation is required before anything progresses beyond the mutual titty-tugs and deep kissing we've engaged in so far.

    The second concern I have is somewhat related to the first: I can't envision penetrative sex with her (except for toys) because, again, condoms and I just don't work, and I'm not sure to what degree she'd find that acceptable. Counteracting this is the fact that she frequently engages in lesbian sex, where penetrative sex really doesn't come into play anyway (except, again, for toys). So maybe this really isn't an issue.

    The third concern is that I've only ever known her as a Domme, and I have absolutely no interest in being dominated; in fact, I'm a Dom myself. She knows this (again, through mutual acquaintances) and I've made it very clear on multiple occasions that I'm a non-versatile top; maybe she's a closet switch. I do know that she's very curious about how extreme I can get, as she's asked me, and the few details I gave her did not put her off in the least.

    My final concern is that she may be interested in having me join in her business occasionally, which I wouldn't do. As I've stated here frequently, although philosophically I have no issue with prostitution (in fact, I believe it should be legalized), it's not anything I'm interested in pursuing myself. I play for sport and pleasure, not monetary gain, and have no desire to reconsider my position on this matter.

    Taking things further than they've already gone would break my number one rule as regards serosorting, which poses a serious ethical dilemma for me, and I'd never even consider a mutual masturbation scene with a guy, though I've gotta admit I'm really intrigued. She's smart, funny and very hot in her own, very unique way.

    FWIW, when I first joined LPSG my percentages were 70/30 gay/straight. Maybe I'll wind up changing them back.
     
  2. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    If it wasn't for the way you feel about serosorting, I would say give it a go. But I do know you feel strongly on the issue of serosorting. You need to have a long think about whether you would feel comfortable with yourself afterwards if you did engage in more sexual acts.

    However, if she knows how you feel about serosorting, and is still encouraging you, maybe she is positive herself?

    Good luck with it either way. If you do decide to take the plunge, enjoy yourself!
     
  3. Notseingme

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    gorl.....
     
  4. HiddenLacey

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    I agree, possibly a closet switch. I think if you are attracted to her you should have your talk. Explain your feelings so everything is out in the open. If both of you are still interested I say go for it.
     
  5. AlteredEgo

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    Bbucko, you're one of the clearest thinkers I know, and I sense you think hardest with your fingers on a keyboard. Maybe if you write more on the topic, you'll know better how you'd like to proceed.
     
  6. D_Selmus_Swallow

    D_Selmus_Swallow Account Disabled

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    Yep, this one needs more information. I'd definitely see what it is she has in mind, because you really can't go in any direction without her half of input here.
     
  7. Bbucko

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    Thanks for the responses. I think the reason why I'm so hesitant in actually following up with this is that it shatters so many of my comfort zones, and I've never found vulnerability to be a booster to my sex drive.

    The thought has crossed my mind; as a sex worker it's certainly not an unreasonable presumption. The person who introduced us was a gay-identified HIV+ guy who was an occasional client of hers, though I know for a fact that he'd never penetrated her.

    Ultimately, I think the best way to proceed is to have a dinner and sort through everything together: expectations, limits...the works. It's not as if either of us has anything to lose.

    Writing most definitely helps me process and organize my thoughts better. If I thought that it could be practical to negotiate things with her via e-mail exchanges I'd do so. But something tells me that she'd find it off-putting, mannered and probably passive-aggressive, so, again, I think that a dinner is the best plan.

    Presuming that we can negotiate something attainable and mutually satisfying (and we are both excellent and highly experienced in such things), then we'll schedule a date. My schedule right now is nuts: I'm working all seven nights right now and will for at least another month or so, so this will need to be properly planned.

    :confused::dunno:
     
  8. Denverbearmark

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    A good friend of mine that is all DOM, to the degree he has sadist tattoo on his left arm, and pretty much all M2M sexually, talks about a great woman that matched him in DOMish and was all Lesbian. They co-played some because they liked to make others hurt and did it well together! But really their connection was finding someone that understood their feelings around it. She has since died, but he talks very fondly of her. (I did not meet her; I was not enjoying myself this way yet.)

    So maybe that is more what she is looking for; she recognized a kindred spirit and wants a friend.

    Of course you are right, you need to check out with her what she is thinking of.

    Good luck!
     
  9. Bbucko

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    Thanks for the additional replies.

    As an update, I called her yesterday and tried to arrange a dinner date where we can discuss things openly in a neutral environment. She told me that she lives about 35 miles north of here, and in SoFla peak-season traffic that could result in about a 90+ minute round trip, so she'd prefer playing it by ear.

    She called this afternoon saying that she plans on coming down later in the week, and would give me a heads-up so we could arrange for a few drinks and/or dinner. She continues to be flirty and quite direct in her interest in me; the dynamic of the phone calls is definitely an interesting and overall positive development.

    Though I could if pushed have the disclosure/qualifier/limit-setting conversation over the phone, I'd really much prefer it be done tĂȘte-a-tĂȘte. We'll have to wait and see, I guess, how this pans out. And thanks, again, to everyone who has responded with support. I truly am wandering into unknown country: one I'd have never considered possible a few years back.
     
  10. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    I'd love to hear how it ends up turning out, Bbucko :smile:. Thank you for the update :smile:.
     
  11. Bbucko

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    I typed out my response last night literally minutes before jumping in the shower and leaving for work, so I didn't have the time to really consider the gist of what you'd said.

    It's very, very possible that she plans a sort of co-conspirator of debauchery and outrage. My short list of limits is pretty well known as is my propensity for pushing (though ultimately respecting) the limits of my play partners (again, within explicitly negotiated boundaries), at least within a small and chatty, over-networked BDSM/Extreme sex community here in SoFla. I wind up rejecting about 85% of the proposals that come my way because I just know that we'd end up being physically incompatible, and I refuse to fake it.

    It's possible that she's interested in kicking her game up a notch in terms of "untouchable" acts such as BB penetration, fisting, etc; in which case, she's found an ideal candidate.

    Like most Dommes who are active in the gay community, she herself has a reputation for ruthlessness (flogging/whipping, etc); in fact, I always thought of her as much crueler than me (though that's a subjective judgment call, obviously. I draw the line at paddling, belts and straps). Be that as it may, the right, motivated bottom/sub with the right, fearless attitude can spark some genuine deviance (and cruelty) in me: it just needs to be consensual, obviously. In the games I play, the line between surpassing expectation and assault is still very wide and clear :wink:

    My biggest concern is not living up to her expectations or finding myself unable to perform sexually. As I said, I don't fake it. But I'll procure myself a Levitra just in case: belt and suspenders, darling: belt and suspenders :cool:

    Rest assured updates will come as the situation develops.
     
  12. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    This just put some VERY naughty images in my mind :tongue:.


    I really don't think you need to worry about not living up to her expectations. It sounds to me as though your reputation and the reality match up very well indeed.


    Oh good! Much appreciated :tongue:.
     
  13. D_Jerry_Atric

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    I know this is an old thread but did you ever get together or have a relationship with the female Domme or switch since you said how she's a closet switch? Even though you are HIV+ there are a lot of things sexually you can do with her that will not infect her.

    What you're describing how you discovered that you're bisexual is common. I know a lot of bisexual men-myself included who did once or first identify as gay for years or awhile before we discovered that we're bisexual.

    As for my percentages I'm not sure how I'd even calculate that? Look at the link in my signature where I describe my attractions. I'm pretty bad at thinking of myself in ratios/percents.

    I happen to enjoy leather, BDSM, and various fetishes but I have no interest in the contests/events even if I went to a few of them when I was younger with a then BF since it was something to do and we just went there to drink and dance and be with each other since neither of us were busy with work at the time.

    I would like to be with a Dominant woman or even a switch/sub but I would not want to pay for the services of a pro-Domme or pro female sub/switch, and I'm personally VERY VERY VERY picky who I do any sort of kink, BDSM, or power exchange related sex acts with.
     
    #13 D_Jerry_Atric, Sep 10, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2011
  14. Bbucko

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    Interesting thread resurrection, BW, thanks for your continued interest. I really should have updated it some time in April when it all played out, but for whatever reason I didn't.

    Bottom line: all of my dicier presumptions were confirmed, in spades. She never did contact me for a dinner. Instead she showed up with a client, whom I know but do not especially respect, at the bar I work in for a brief pow-wow.

    She was, indeed, looking to bring me in as an alternate/additional Dom at the request of a few of her clients and was rather disappointed at my lack of enthusiasm regarding being paid for my services. She just didn't seem to understand that, although it's been an option for decades, I decline the opportunity as a personal principle. Besides, I've never been able to fake it.

    She also disclosed that she's a switch, which was complete news to me; evidently she compartmentalizes her roles very well. She was hoping to get a closer look at my approach both because she found me attractive and felt that she might learn something, which I found flattering. She expected to experience everything she could with me, including penetrative sex but insisted on safer-sex protocols. She claimed to be HIV- and probably is, and admitted that she's never subbed for an HIV+ Dom (at least that she's aware of).

    When the utter futility of the concept finally dawned on us, she became slightly chilly and detached. I went to great pains to reassure her that I was not rejecting her per se, just that I wasn't interested in pursuing the scene as she proposed it. This warmed her back up again, and we parted on good terms, though I haven't seen her since.

    I'll keep my percentages where they are for the time being :cool:

    ETA: Laidey thought she might be a closet switch; until we had this discussion, I'd had no knowledge of it-Bb
     
    #14 Bbucko, Sep 10, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2011
  15. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    Thank you for the update, BB :smile:.

    I've wondered a few times how this turned out, but it never occurred to me to ask :redface::tongue:.
     
  16. LaFemme

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    I'm glad I heard the outcome as well. I always wondered what happened - it seemed to me it would be a very specific woman who could make you ponder changing your percentages....

    Just remember, you do have your angels here! And we love you as you are!
     
  17. Bbucko

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    No probs, luv. I really shoulda done it myself :redface:

    I've learned over the years to never underestimate the compassion of the women whose paths I've crossed, especially online. My angels rule!
     
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