I miss my loved ones

hypolimnas

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... i dunno any thoughts on how to cope i have lost 12 people in the last 5 years i am afraid to get close to anyone because i might lose em. WALLY L from Arizona

Hey Naked (cute name, has a certain ring about it!) this is a situation that many of us face at some time or another. A few years ago I was in a similar situation. I felt I had lost everyone who was ever important to me. Indeed I have lost the ones I have loved the most.

For the first few years I felt very empty. Overtime, something very unexpected happened. Even though I had physically lost the ones I loved the most, I did not feel totally alone, and felt that they were still with me as part of my deepest being. They are the people who have clearly made me who I am, and who have made me the person I am now.

These days I feel that I am only the sum of the love that has been given to me. Somehow after emerging from some years of numbness I have found some friends who have proved to be loyal and caring beyond my expectation Once I started to reach out, because I had no choice, they came into my life.

I'm not sure if I will love in the way that I have in the past, but I feel that it would be wrong be closed to what life has to offer. My life is full and enriching, and I have some truly great friends.

When you say you don't want to get close to someone I think that means that you are feeling deep pain and feel that anymore pain will be unbearable. I feel that one day you will be more open to other people but that it will happen when you are ready.

I have found that everyone grieves in their own way, and in their own time. I hope that from the responses here you can see you are not alone and that there is a lot of empathy, and support for you.


 

nakedwally

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Thank You very much i appreciate it.


Hey Naked (cute name, has a certain ring about it!) this is a situation that many of us face at some time or another. A few years ago I was in a similar situation. I felt I had lost everyone who was ever important to me. Indeed I have lost the ones I have loved the most.

For the first few years I felt very empty. Overtime, something very unexpected happened. Even though I had physically lost the ones I loved the most, I did not feel totally alone, and felt that they were still with me as part of my deepest being. They are the people who have clearly made me who I am, and who have made me the person I am now.

These days I feel that I am only the sum of the love that has been given to me. Somehow after emerging from some years of numbness I have found some friends who have proved to be loyal and caring beyond my expectation Once I started to reach out, because I had no choice, they came into my life.

I'm not sure if I will love in the way that I have in the past, but I feel that it would be wrong be closed to what life has to offer. My life is full and enriching, and I have some truly great friends.

When you say you don't want to get close to someone I think that means that you are feeling deep pain and feel that anymore pain will be unbearable. I feel that one day you will be more open to other people but that it will happen when you are ready.

I have found that everyone grieves in their own way, and in their own time. I hope that from the responses here you can see you are not alone and that there is a lot of empathy, and support for you.
 

hypolimnas

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Thank You very much i appreciate it

You are very welcome.

One of the things I have thought about a bit, in relation to grief, is the notion of shame.

For one of my friends this has been interesting process. I have really tried to encourage and support him to accept his grief as natural and right given his loss.

There is no shame in grieving. As a culture we don't have a public forum for displaying grief that some other cultures do.

Often our feelings have to be kept private, because people will think we are weak, and unreliable ,or not tough enough to inspire confidence of others in other parts of our life.

On a practical level, I now know that I need to take time out around the time of year when I lost my father. The tragic and horrific events happened decades ago. It doesn't become easy to deal with, but believe me it eventually becomes easier.

Taking time out gives me time for my own thoughts and time to be with people who are supportive of me in everyway. To grieve is to be human. My suffering has made me a much more compassionate person than I used to be. Somehow, eventually it drew me out to open up to others after a long time of isolation and despair.
 
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You are very welcome.

One of the things I have thought about a bit, in relation to grief, is the notion of shame.

For one of my friends this has been interesting process. I have really tried to encourage and support him to accept his grief as natural and right given his loss.

There is no shame in grieving. As a culture we don't have a public forum for displaying grief that some other cultures do.

Often our feelings have to be kept private, because people will think we are weak, and unreliable ,or not tough enough to inspire confidence of others in other parts of our life.

On a practical level, I now know that I need to take time out around the time of year when I lost my father. The tragic and horrific events happened decades ago. It doesn't become easy to deal with, but believe me it eventually becomes easier.

Taking time out gives me time for my own thoughts and time to be with people who are supportive of me in everyway. To grieve is to be human. My suffering has made me a much more compassionate person than I used to be. Somehow, eventually it drew me out to open up to others after a long time of isolation and despair.

What a kind, thoughtful, sensitive post. A reflection of the best LPSG has to offer.
 

bigbull29

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Is is true that North Americans are discouraged from displaying grief in public. You're supposed "to get over it" or "get counseling", but to hold it in and go on and be strong. That's a very Puritanical mentality with regards to expressing grief.

I always wondered why in some cultures men and women wail profusely in public after a tragedy/loss without any shame. How healthy and liberating that would be! One don't always need a grief counselor, but rather the right to grieve without restraint.

Italians, Greeks, Eastern Europeans, and Arabs are allowed to grieve (this list is not exhaustive). Why can't we?
 

bigbull29

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I find it therapeutic to dwell on my sadness and have a good hard cry. Some people will tell you to try to ignore the feelings you're having but in my own experience it's usually better just to own up to how you feel and let everything run its course, unless you are so depressed it starts adversely affecting your life or relationships over an extended period of time. Then you should probably seek counseling.

Anyway, fear of loss isn't a good reason to avoid getting close to people. If you were never close to these people you lost, then you would have even more reason to be sad, as you would have missed the opportunity to have them be a significant part of your life. You wouldn't know what you were missing out on, but your ignorance wouldn't change the fact that overall you would be a poorer person for never even once having the thing it is you are mourning the loss of now. As Butters once said, be happy in your sadness, as it is a reminder of the fact that you could feel something really good. In that way, it's a beautiful sadness.

Marvelously said, my friend. :wink:
 

nakedwally

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Is is true that North Americans are discouraged from displaying grief in public. You're supposed "to get over it" or "get counseling", but to hold it in and go on and be strong. That's a very Puritanical mentality with regards to expressing grief.

I always wondered why in some cultures men and women wail profusely in public after a tragedy/loss without any shame. How healthy and liberating that would be! One don't always need a grief counselor, but rather the right to grieve without restraint.

Italians, Greeks, Eastern Europeans, and Arabs are allowed to grieve (this list is not exhaustive). Why can't we?


i try to grieve the way i am supposed to sometimes i will cry at the drop of a hat my mother says that is perfectly healthy... i am learning how to cope slowly but surely...
 

ryan25yo

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Wally.........

You mentioned that your grandma used to clap with all the hymns at church so I take it that she was religious. That would be a value you might well take from her. Faith tells us that we will be together again in the Lord's kingdom where there will no more sadness, no more tears. Hold onto that and, in the meantime, reach out to others. All of us, in one way or another, are going through the same thing!
 

DaveyR

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There's nothing I can add further that others have not said other than that I totally empathise with you and you are in my thoughts. Try to dwell on the good memories and time does heal.
 

nakedwally

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Wally.........

You mentioned that your grandma used to clap with all the hymns at church so I take it that she was religious. That would be a value you might well take from her. Faith tells us that we will be together again in the Lord's kingdom where there will no more sadness, no more tears. Hold onto that and, in the meantime, reach out to others. All of us, in one way or another, are going through the same thing!


my garndmother was part of the salvation army she was an officer with them for many years.
 

nakedwally

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It's been a while since I posted in this thread, however on nights like tonight it can be hard, a few days ago was my mom and step-dads wedding anniversary June 6th,he died of cancer a few years back ,it gets easier as time goes on but whenever a song plays or a tv show, movie or even an advertisement I start remembering and get all teary eyed and gooshy, but things are getting better but I don't think the grieving will end anytime soon for all the people I love and have loved.
 

ManlyBanisters

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:hug:

I don't think grieving ever does end, Wally - it just goes through stages. That is to say I don't believe you ever get over the loss, you just get used to it and even then, maybe never completely used to it.

You being alive and remembering keeps them alive.
 

nakedwally

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:hug:

I don't think grieving ever does end, Wally - it just goes through stages. That is to say I don't believe you ever get over the loss, you just get used to it and even then, maybe never completely used to it.

You being alive and remembering keeps them alive.

This is so true, I wish there were more people as open-minded and kind as you are. But it does get harder, when I grew up in church I got close to a lot of older people and their time is coming soon, but like you said me being alive and remembering them help keeps their spirit alive.
 

marleyisalegend

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Life doesn't come with a warantee and, unless we seclude ourselves, it's likely that someone close to us is going to be taken away at some point. I've accepted death as an inevitable reality, not to sound gloomy but it makes it easier to deal with when you stop acting like death is some creepy bad guy who takes away something you're "entitled to." We're not entitled to loved ones and many people live their whole lives without any meaningful friendships or relationships. There is suffering in loss, but at some point the suffering morphs from a reaction into a choice, we choose to wallow in the negative mud. Instead of focusing on them being gone, appreciate what time you did have with them for the gold that it is. When I'm gone I'd rather know people are reminiscing about me rather than crying cuz I'm gone, I'd hate to be the cause of someone's cycle of grief.
 
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