"I need a little time...", damned homophobia.

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Martin van Burden, Jan 7, 2009.

  1. D_Martin van Burden

    D_Martin van Burden Account Disabled

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    Okay, gripe time.

    My friend Robinne and I had dinner and decided to go out for a few drinks afterwards. We decided to hit up 4th Ave. We got to the bar pretty early, had a couple of drinks, and some other colleagues of mine showed up later. We moved over to a booth and continued drinking. I got up and wandered around the bar a bit and started introducing myself to people. I fell in with a few hipsters and we showed our tattooes and just shot the shit. It was great! When the bar closed, Robinne and I were talking to a couple of guys, one of whom was celebrating a birthday. He's finishing his Master's in social work, and when we said that we're working on Ph.D.s in sociology, he was really excited and wanted to pick our brains about the experience so far. We talked about career options and what we're studying, and we agreed to go out for a late night bite to eat to continue the discussion.

    It turns out that my new friend Vince lives about a block from me. So, Robinne dropped us off at his place (since he whined first, the fucker). She took his friend Mike home. I was on my way to walk back home when he asked if I wanted him to tag along. I didn't care. So we went back to my apartment and watched an episode of Family Guy. He saw Whitewashing Race and Poor People's Movements on my desk, and I showed him some other books on my shelf. It was after four when he decided to go home, and he said that he had a lot of fun and that he hoped we would hang out. I thanked him and said that I would give him a call tomorrow.

    Now, notice that I haven't said anything about hitting on or getting mixed signals or vibes or anything like that. I thought the dude was pretty cool, and I meant it when I said that I would hang out with him again like he asked.

    Today comes. A little while ago, I gave him a call to see how he's doing and how he recovered from last night. He said that he drank a lot and that he didn't really remember too much of it. I laughed and said it wasn't a big deal. I filled him on the four of us talking as the bar closed down, grabbing a bite to eat. "I remember that," he said and he remembered "Family Guy" too.

    Then the but comes.

    "I hope I didn't say anything weird last night." I told him that I couldn't think of anything. Then he said, "I'm straight." Good for you. So am I. Here's your cookie -- and that's when my stomach started to turn. He said that his friend had told him that on the ride back, supposedly, Robinne and I thought that he (Vincent) was gay. Did I? Maybe for a split second, sure; he seemed really eager. I told him that I didn't think he was gay, and even if he were, I didn't care. He's not fucking up my percentages, you know.

    I was a little unnerved now, and I said that I didn't get that impression from him. I simply gave him a call because that's what I was asked to do last night. He brought up not remembering too much last night and hating when he drinks like that. He said something about needing a little time, and I said fine and I hung up. It was when I was talking about the situation with Monty online that I got pissed off all over again because, somehow, I did what I was asked to do and now some kid thinks I think he's gay or putting moves or some bullshit like that. Frustrating that it is to try to establish friendships outside of my department, the fact is people can be as educated and get up in years as they want, but it's homophobia like this that complicates things!

    I deleted his phone number, and I'm going to pretend last night didn't happen. I'll probably talk to Robinne about it and air some grievances, but again, I'm really disappointed. It's not too often I meet people who are doing similar work than me, and the guy seemed pretty cool, drunk or not. I refuse to take responsibility for any insecurities he might have about his own sexuality, but at the same time, I'm not really one who likes being thrust in weird situations either. It's the kind of thing that makes me realize that being an unconscionable, hardened asshole who misinterprets the least sign of a pat on a back or a fist bump or a compliment about clothing as getting hit on may be a little lonelier for it, but at the very least his motives aren't called into question all the same!

    This is a really fucked up situation.
     
  2. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    In truth, I think you're getting a little too offended. The guy said he was drunk and clearly thinks something may have happened that didn't or was said that wasn't. I know I've been embarrassed by things I've said or done when impaired and happy that nobody holds it against me.

    It seems you guys got along really well and you do have similar interests that may prove valuable. Give him a bit of space and then try contacting him again. If he's still wary then he's got issues. If he's cool with you and everything, give it a shot.

    None of us have perfect friends and maybe through you he can get a better understanding of how to be cool with homosexuality.
     
  3. Pitbull

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    You are agonizing too much over his problem.

    What about the friend Mike who told him that you thought he was gay when you said no such thing? Sounds like Mike likes to push buttons.

    Relax and have fun!
     
  4. Principessa

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    I don't get it? Did I read the OP correctly? :confused: It seems that what is wrong with this guy isn't his sexuality. Whatever that may be. It's the fact he drinks too much then forgets what he does and feels the need to pseudo apologize.
     
  5. hot_topic90

    hot_topic90 New Member

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    i don't understand why so much drama is needed for this situation.......
     
  6. omgiswatdeysay

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    So he apologizes for things he may or may not have knowingly said and YOUR the one to go all Nancy on him? Jeebus, get a grip man.
     
  7. Sklar

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    The guy is a drunk. Pure and simple. He drinks so much he can't even recall last night. This is not someone you want to associate with either on a professional basis or on a friendly basis.

    He even acknowledges that he needs to stop drinking so much, so to me, that means he does this on a regular basis. This is NOT the kind of person anyone with their head screwed on straight should be associating with. It's trouble and drama and will drag you down.

    Don't get offended by this guy. He's not worth it.

    Sklar
     
  8. prepstudinsc

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    I don't think that you all are getting the situation. The kid freaked out over what someone else said, now he doesn't want to hang with Dee. I think that the guy clearly has issues with sexuality, so I think that someone has called him gay in the past or that he is very deep in the closet and is freaked out. People who can't be friends without bringing sexuality into the equation aren't the kind of people you need to be with. You can't control sexuality, just like you can't control your race or your height. I don't go around saying, "well, you're not tall enough, I can't be friends with you." I don't care if my friends are gay, bi, or straight. That is a small part of who they are. Someone who makes a big deal over supposed gayness is someone I wouldn't want to give the time of day. I think that Dee did the best thing by deleting him out of his phone and just ignoring him from here on out.
     
  9. ManlyBanisters

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    I read the OP carefully, and prep's post (as he has some more background on this) and I agree with both of them.

    Vincent asked to be dropped home but when Dee started walking home Vincent didn't go into his own place, he tagged along with Dee back to his place. When reading the story I flagged that as 'Vincent is perhaps interested in Dee?' (before it was stated whether Vincent was gay or straight) - not interested for definite, maybe he just wanted to hang out, but either seemed possible to me at that point in the narrative. Then the next day Dee calls, as arranged, and Vincent is weird - It sounds to me like there is a strong possibility that Vincent thought he might have come on to Dee and was attempting 'damage control'.

    Whether the guy is in the closet, in denial or just a homophobe who over-analyses his own and others' behaviour, it is all pretty much forgive and forgettable until the point where he tells Dee that he, Vincent, 'needs a little time'. That's weird. Needs time to what? The overt conversation has gone like this "I'm straight" "I'm straight too" "Did anything weird happen?" "No" - what's the problem? Vincent has issues one way or the other and is externalising them on to Dee.

    Jason is right - none of us can claim to have perfect friends, nor can we expect them, and maybe this guy just needs to relax and be himself - which is difficult for some in the very early days of a friendship. Having said that this incident has gotten Dee's back up and that is not a good place from which to start a friendship.

    Who knows, Dee - perhaps you'll bump into each other again and things will go better. God knows I know what it is like to be far from old friends and family and how hard it can be to 'grow' a new set of friends. Don't let set backs like these mire you down though. You'll run into someone you click with sooner or later.
     
  10. Rocky14441

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    Men need close friends far more than they are willing to admit, but the feeling of closeness, combined with homophobia, often conspires to keep us from truly connecting. I don't mean punch-on-the-shoulder we're buds connecting, or gay relationships, I mean having a heart connection with someone of the same sex.
    Society used to provide opportunities for this connection which no longer exsist. Maybe he just wanted to make sure that you were a safe, non-sexual man to bond with, and this was his clumsy way of finding out.
    Read "A General Theory of Love". Its about all kind of social bonding, not romantic love.
     
  11. Corius

    Corius New Member

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    To the OPI would say that I understand you to be talking about the way in which idle gossip can mess us relationships even before they get firmly started. People seem to forget that even friendships which have no sexual element are worthwhile. In my view when a friendship becomes more than friendship, the sex that happens should come about naturally; seduction is not needed in such relationships.

    I also get the sense that you understand that sex is private and personal and ought to be kept so. The beauty and mystery of bonding in friendship is something to be treasured; the beauty and mystery of bonding in a loving sexual relationship should be guarded tenderly. Idle talk by partners or outsiders is likely to be destructive.
     
  12. D_Martin van Burden

    D_Martin van Burden Account Disabled

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    Thanks for the responses so far; they've been helpful. I have to recognize MB's response separately because she seems to have gotten how the whole thing went down near to a tee, and Prep of course for cooling my jets down last night. I was really pissed about it. I woke up today and I'm fine. I don't care so much.

    It seems like I have a strong desire to make new friends while I'm living here, and I don't think the bar scene is the best way to do it. So I'll flip through some of the weekly papers around here and see if I can attend events in which alcohol isn't confusing or fucking up dynamics despite how much it serves as a social lubricant. And I think Rocky said some good stuff addressing the underlying homophobia of it all, too. I'm one person. I can't have all that great an effect on the social problem as a whole, but I can always set limits and clarify boundaries should problems arise.

    It's his loss. And you guys are right. Vincent probably has some deep-seeded issue about this, and his urchin of an accomplice probably didn't do or say anything to make that any better. But that's not my problem. If he's sensitive about his mannerisms or how he comes off to other people, then he's gotta think of constructive ways to deal with that. Shit, we all do (if we're not gay and get frustrated when some people think that we are). That just means I have to look a woman in her tits more often. :)
     
  13. CALAMBO

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    sounds like an alcohol related incident, thus meaning nothing more than fluff and circumstance...to start an incident may backfire...pick more important battles and choose wisely whom you let into your life...even a small opening can backfire as in this case, might suggest to be the bigger person and let it slide off of your day.
     
  14. prepstudinsc

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    Dee, my brother, it is definitely his loss, because everyone needs a good friend like you!
     
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