I need a women's help to save my marriage..

[D_Gregg_Ghorian]

My wife and I are going through a very tough time in our marriage. We have been together for four years and have a one year old beautiful daughter. I have been going through a lot of distress thinking too much of what was and not expressing enough How deeply I love my her. We have had a lot of issues with family that has caused some turmoil and the end result is that I haven't shown her enough that I love her because I am always caught up in all this other bs. I feel awful about this. She just doesn't even have a desire to be with me right now. I don't want to lose my family she loves me but doesn't feel she is in love with me right now. If she could see inside my heart she would really know how much I love her. I want to show her this. It's hard to swallow the rejection of her just not being there yet. The past few days we have been spending a good bit of time together. The baby is away right now so I just want to take advantage of trying to begin mending our love. I would never want to be without her but these are only words. I want to provide the actions but i often feel lost at what to do. I wish I knew the magic words to get her to understand. I've become a weaker person, I don't want that anymore. I want to be the man she fell in love with.. but i have to convince her that I'm still here??
I'm pretty lost right now and Im trying to stay strong and positive. I just need some help to get me going in the right direction without over doing it.
I just want my wife to love me again

 

[4inchsoft]

Sorry dude, but sometimes people don't actually mean it when they answer 'yes' to the question 'til death do you part'. You need to tell your wife all of the above things honestly. If family issues get in the way of a marriage, you need to distance yourself from those distractions.

 

[DGirl]

GOOD LUCK ...

That is all I can say..:frown1:

 

[helgaleena]

Yes, tell her all these things, preferably while touching and holding her. Try to be looking her in the eyes. Let your feelings beam out of your eyes into hers. And be thinking while it is going on the she is the most beautiful and desirable piece of God's creation to you at that moment, the one who brought your baby girl into your life.

There is no substitute for one-on-one. Schedule it into every single day.

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

She's spending time with you, that's a good sign, you can put into actions how much you love her. Love isn't about telling someone you love them twenty times a day, it's about being there, putting the hard work in, taking the rough with the smooth, and it cuts both ways. If she loves you she'll be prepared to give you a chance, but don't waste it, so many guys put the hard work into their rocky marriage till they feel it's back on solid ground then go back to being how they were. For a marriage to work it needs constant attention, doing things as a team, making sure you manage to have some time alone for fun, communicating on everything.

She's given you the chance, don't let her down.

My ex husband doing the dinner when I was tired was always worth twenty declarations of love ;-)

 

[AlteredEgo]

Find out how your wife understands love. if you think really, really hard about the ways in which she most often expresses her love to you, you will know what to do. you must mirror her actions, and she will feel truly loved. Think back to the beginning of your romance.

How does she show you her love? Does she get touchy-feely? Does she make extra time to spend with you? Does she do things which you need done (such as coming to your house before you lived together and doing your chores)? Does she buy you expensive things, or things she knows you really, really want? Does she talk a lot abou ther feelings for you? If you can figure out what she most often does to when she wants you to feel loved, you'll figure out what you have to do to make her feel loved. It's going to be at least one of the five things I mentioned, but might be some combination of a couple or a few of them.

Do a Google search for "five love languages" to find more to read in this vein, and maybe even see if you can get your wife to take one of the related quizzes with you.

 

[dolfette]

why did she fall in love with you?

think about the person you were to her when you got together...the little things you did and said that made her smile.
instead of crying, looking sad and pressuring her {NOT that i'm saying you are} you need to show her some sparkle, some laughter...remind her who she fell in love with!
but...

have you tried taking her on a date? where did you take her the first date? the first date you kissed? and just being happy together?

and...when you talk do you listen? sometimes it's hard not to interrupt to defend yourself, explain or apologise.
but it's really important to know when to shut up and let her talk out EVERYTHING that's on her mind.

obviously this website can't replace good couples counselling. if money is an issue then try going through your local church.

 

[helgaleena]

How can you stand to be away from your baby girl right now anyway? How can she? It must be very hard. Talk to each other about that.

 

[eyescream]

Nothing much I can do to help. I've fallen out of love a couple of times so that might be where she is right now.

If you've been neglecting her for quite some time now, she's probably convinced herself that this has always been a part of you that she didn't know about before.

People change and she might not want the guy she fell in love with so don't try to be the person she fell in love with. Be the man she wants and needs right now.

 

[Drifterwood]

Your OP is very confused. This is your problem, being all in a muddle. I am not criticising you for that, life throws curve balls that knock us off our stride, but what you need to do is to get your head straight with all the difficult issues that you are having to face right now.

Personally, I take a me-time-out when this happens. Just a day, but I get my head together to undertand the issues. I like to try to understand what is going on and get perspective of the various issues. A woman friend recently told me that when she had her first kid, she could only love that child, she was consumed, but whatever the situation with your kid, I have no doubt that they change the dynamics of relationships and very often when people aren't prepared for it. I would say more on this, but I don't know enough about your personal situation.

So, take a few deep breaths, get yourself sorted first as to the situation and then start dealing with other people's attitudes to what has been going on.

 

[Sergeant_Torpedo]

You now have the women's take on your self imposed predicament, and you no doubt have received less sympathy than you anticipated. Your "family" is your wife and your child, not your siblings or parents. If you can't cope with this hitch what the hell are you going to be like when big issues bear on your marriage. You need to work this out with the most important person in your life: your wife. Good luck.

 

[dolfette]

Your "family" is your wife and your child, not your siblings or parents.

truth. when you are a parent you are that child's world.
they need you to be thinking about what is best for them.
making sure her mother is happy and supported is part os that.
what is best for other adults, who are big enough to look after themselves anyway, should always come second.

 

[EboniGoddess]

you need to sweep her off her feet again. Buy her a necklace, ear rings or something. Stop at sears and pick up Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds, and perhaps cook her a great dinner. Tell her you'll do anything she asks to make things better and show her. After things are good for some time think about having another child......Not right now! but soon. Children can help parents grow closer.

 

[dolfette]

you need to sweep her off her feet again. Buy her a necklace, ear rings or something. Stop at sears and pick up Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds, and perhaps cook her a great dinner. Tell her you'll do anything she asks to make things better and show her. After things are good for some time think about having another child......Not right now! but soon. Children can help parents grow closer.

and what the fuck would you know about the strain children can add to a relationship? it's not all rose coloured cuddles! it's sleepless nights, money worries, traumatic hormones, being too tired for sex AND bringing a life into the world as just a bandaid for a your gaping wound.

with your relationship experience you're in no place to be giving this advice.

 

[dolfette]

google ''having a child to save a marriage'' and read the first page.
newspapers, parenting sites, shrinks. all agreeing that it doesn't work.

15% of parents divorce in the first 3 years after having a child.

 

[sprout]

I agree with the comments of others regarding turning your attention towards your family - your wife and child - and away from your extended family. This is a must! I also suggest having a date night each week, making sure you are helping enough around the house, especially getting up with your child at night if that is necessary. And LISTEN to her. Be CURIOUS about what makes her tick. I would also suggest couples therapy and my favorite relationship book of all time "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks. Good luck to you

 

[EboniGoddess]

Definately just pour your heart out to her and tell her you just can't live without her

 

[Love-it]

I feel for your confusion and feelings of loss.
It is late in your relationship to start listening, and I mean sit still and listen, try not to react or interject, stay focused, it's harder than it sounds. Your wife has feelings that she needs to express, some that she has tried to get across to you before, and some will be new to you and possibly even to her. Be patient and listen, she'll let you know when and if she wants to hear an answer or opinion from you. It is the only road back that I know of.

 

[Not_Punny]

Figure out how you can knock off "getting caught up in the "bs" forever, and I mean forever.

I don't know what you mean by "getting caught up in the bs," but if that was what blew things apart, then figure out how you're going to deal with it in the future.

Get a strategy for it, own up to it, and SHOW her that you can follow through.

 

[D_Thithians Boatleg]

You now have the women's take on your self imposed predicament, and you no doubt have received less sympathy than you anticipated. Your "family" is your wife and your child, not your siblings or parents. If you can't cope with this hitch what the hell are you going to be like when big issues bear on your marriage. You need to work this out with the most important person in your life: your wife. Good luck.

I mean this when I say this - Thanks for that post, its really gave me a kick in the butt that I needed.