I Need Advice: In a Right Mess

[british_twink]

Okay, before you all rush to tell me at the end of this post how I shouldn't have done what I've done - just spare it. I already feel terrible enough as it is. I just need some real guidance as to what to do.

I used to speak to guy on another forum (on a completely different topic to this one) and we became friends. But because he was 5 years older than me, I thought that he'd want to speak to someone his own age. So anyway, I told him I was his age. We talked on MSN and we had a great friendship. I stopped talking to him about a year ago.

I'd always suspected he was gay so I added him recently on another addy and we got talking. I gave him a fake picture and lied about who I was. Turns out he is gay and we've got talking and I can't believe how much we've got in common (since now we talk about relationships and things we didn't talk about before). He's hot, he's clever, he's funny and we've got so many of the same interests. Problem is that I think we're both falling for each other and what was originally going to be a bit of cyber fun has turned into so much more. I really care about him but I don't know if I can bring myself to tell him who I am, and not only that but I've lied to him about my age. (I'm 18 btw, he's 23). He's confided in me about his trust issues and I don't know if I can risk hurting him.

What should I do? Keep going as I am then let eventually let him down gently or tell him the truth and hope for the best?

 

[gaygent]

Be honest with him. You never know he might even be flattered that a young guy like you is interested in him.

It's also a lesson to be learned. Always be honest then you can make better decisions.

 

[dickman45885]

Oh what a tangled web we weave when we deceive.

That being said...you have already violated his trust. If you want to go further with this, come clean to him NOW, explain your lies, and reasons for lying and go from there. If he wants more to do with you...ok, if he doesn't, after all you have violated his trust and he has trust issues, well...hope you learned your lesson

 

[dreamer20]

(I'm 18 btw, he's 23). He's confided in me about his trust issues and I don't know if I can risk hurting him.
What should I do?

This is not a difficult case as you aren't 20 years older than him. Tell him you like him very much, want to get to know him better and confess your true age to him.

 

[Stephenmass]

I lied on my age to my now partner of almost 5 years. I said I was older than my 24 years of age to be closer in age to him. Once we actually met, I loved his company, we thoroughly enjoyed one another, etc. I was hooked and I also realized I needed to come clean. I came clean BEFORE THE SECOND TIME WE MET to let him know that I only did so (which was true) to get a chance to meet him.

I regret I was not more open with him from the start and have not lied to him since. I did have to reestablish trust, but lying about age to me is not a major violation and he was kinda flattered that I upped my age just to get a chance to meet him.

So ya never know how it's gonna turn out.

Give it a shot. Ya never know!

 

[2322]

The longer it goes on, the more damage will occur. I agree with the posters above. Explain yourself completely and come clean, doing so in a contrite and gracious manner. I'm glad you realize there is a living person on the other end of that connection, which is why I hope you will be gentle with him.

Your ages aren't much of a difference really. The older you get, the less difference those few years make. I wouldn't write-off anyone for that.

Good luck!

 

[Runco]

You have two choices:

1. You keep up the deception but keep him at arms length so that he does not discover your subterfuge
2. You come clean and risk losing his friendship, a potential relationship and hurting him into the bargain.

In reality, you only really have one choice and that is to come clean. If you maintain your friendship, you will know it is built on lies. If you come clean, I don't know if you can avoid hurting him. He has already told you he has trust issues and whole foundation of your friendship has been built on lies. I am not judging you for that (because I know it happens) but given his trust issues, I can guarantee that he is not going to be happy with you. The more worrying thing is chances are he will end your friendship, maybe for a while or maybe permanently because he has already indicated that being able to trust is important to him (unsurprisingly).

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place so I don't know if you can avoid this fallout, especially if you want to see if things will progress to the next level. All I can say is if you lose him, learn lessons from this. You never know when or where you will meet a potential mate so it is best to try and be honest whenever you can.

 

[british_twink]

It's all completely blown up. He kept on pushing for me to show my face on cam and I obviously couldnt. He then told me how he couldnt trust me. I told him that I was only going to break his heart because I still had problems getting over my ex. He said: "Why do I always get used? Everything you told me was a lie." I told him goodbye and blocked him. He doesn't know the truth and it's staying that way.

I feel so bad for hurting him. So, so, SO bad. I know I've been an idiot but I guess it's all lessons learned. It's definitely made me think about being completely honest to the people I care about. Urgh, I feel so guilty.

 

[MarkLondon]

Shit. I could see this coming from a mile off, why couldn't you? I know why, because you're so young and inexperienced at dealing with people. Hey, I'm only just learning myself, and I'm a lot older than you!

Look, you have to be honest from the outset. Yes, you lose a lot of opportunities that way. But it's their loss, not yours.

I think you'll be OK long term. You've learned this lesson remarkably quickly. Show him this thread, and you previous one from 2007. At the very least he'll see how honest and open you can be, even if you weren't so for him recently. Explain that you're not some random freak, but someone who encountered and was drawn to him in another context, and didn't know how to develop it from there.

 

[dreamer20]

I think you'll be OK long term. You've learned this lesson remarkably quickly. Show him this thread, and you previous one from 2007. At the very least he'll see how honest and open you can be...

DO NOT show him this thread or mention it. This thread was an anonymous, confidential consultation, keep it that way. You need to arrange to see him in real life to sort out this mess.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

Well, as with all internet attractions... what make you think he is not misrepresenting himself to you?

Wooing someone often includes trying to be the thing you think the other wants.

In the anonymous environment of the intertubes...the temptation to embellish or conceal is almost too much to resist.

The biggest issue I suspect will not be the age... Lying about ones age is pretty common and almost expected for those too old or too young....

But sending him a picture of someone else and passing it off as you... that might be a deal breaker... depending on how disappointed he might be as to your real appearance.


Come clean...
But, be prepared... even when everyone has been entirely honest... meeting over the internet is not at all like meeting in person.


There is chemistry involved in attraction that does not translate in written communication.
It is nat unusual to meet an internet romance and find that you are both intellectually sympatico... without any physical spark at all.

 

[Supersized]

I would start being honest with him. Tell him exactly why you are being honest with him. If he gets pissed and you lose him that is the same result as if you never came clean and never got to meet him in person. Besides, you want him to love you. He can't do that if you never give him the chance.

 

[brinzaulsschwul]

Ooops

Now then, here's my advice for you. Unblock him str8 away, he must be feeling totally hurt and betrayed. Write an email to him and in the subject line write I'm sorry, please read this mail - all will become clear" and you could attach a read receipt to your email. This would show you if he read it, or just deleted it without reading.

Then you will need to be 100% honest, tell him why you could not show your face, tell him why you lied about who are you - age differences, fear of being rejected etc, tell him how much you enjoy his company. but most importantly, tell him I'M SO SORRY FOR LYING TO YOU" don't make idle promises about not lying again, that's a waste of time and won't be believed.

I'm not sure I agree with what dreamer20 has said, after all the Internet is available to all, but I would not show him str8 away, keep something in reserve.

You need to be prepared to be ignored, he might have blocked you, yes you could open up another email account, but that starts to look a bit sad and desperate and the word stalking springs to mind.

I really hope you have learned your lesson, Honesty is the best policy. I really am not sure how this guy is going to react to you. It must be hard for you too being so young and worried about love, sex and relationships, clearly you did not learn anything in PSHE!

Brinz

 

[deleted299888]

Come clean.

Don't hesitate, just come clean.

Don't keep up the lie and settle for the distance, just come clean.



Speaking from my own preference, choosing to continue the deception would be worse than being honest or cutting off contact altogether. Because now, you're playing him--someone you claim to value--for a fool. Personally, I can only stay interested in a virtual relationship for so long--people unwilling to meet lose my interest immediately. It's also possible that, ere long, he will begin to suspect something in your hesitation. If he does, he will yet still grow increasingly disinterested with you, and you lose him anyways.

In the end, perpetuating the lie is a bigger disservice than telling the truth.




If you do reveal yourself, it's possible he will be angry--incensed is a better word. It's possible he'll not want to talk to you. Maybe for a while, maybe never again. But unless he blocks you through all venus, sincere and perpetual apology might sway him.

There's also the third scenario, where you tell the truth and he takes it in stride, and is impressed by your courage and honesty.



Just be honest with the man. Think of how you'd feel if you found out(or had reason to suspect), that everyone you talked to online was lying to you. You're far better off being honest with him than not.

 

[bstexas]

YOu;re right. He can;t trust you. So now what?

Well, as some others have said. It's better that u come clean NOW. He already suspects. You should get it out in the open. Tell him you are a dumbfuk, you messed up and because you did this he DEFINITELY can't tell him the truth. He might say you are correct; he can;t trust you and you lose his friendship. OR, curiosity might get the best of him and he will beg you to show your REAL face. Ask him to not hate you more than he already does for deceiving him. Tell him you had no idea you guys would have so much in common, etc. Tell him you suspected he was gay but was afraid he would not discuss anything with him by knowing you on the other forum. He will either leave you alone or he will have a bit of forgiveness and accept that your friendship is worth keeping. As MANY of you know, the internet is FULL of deception. He should know that. Tell him that you were afraid he would not talk to you if yo had shown him the other photo. Come clean and just see how the cards fall.

 

[rbkwp]

I feel so bad for hurting him. So, so, SO bad. I know I've been an idiot but I guess it's all lessons learned. It's definitely made me think about being completely honest to the people I care about. Urgh, I feel so guilty.



I DONT have any sympathy for you AT ALL
You were given very good advice, felt the need to bring in your ex/said goodbye and Blocked the guy..the Latter being the most NASTY of it all
NOT sensible nor a mature approach (18 year old or not)
You have hurt the guy and you can live with it
I have a feeling you were intent on doing this all along to him,possibly because of your hurt from you ex

GROW UP KID|'

Just the way you have typed your original post i feel i can detect more than enough intellect where you could have treated the guy with the utmost respect
I dont think you were asking intently for Support/i think it was crying out for Symapthy.
enz

 

[Principessa]

I really care about him but I don't know if I can bring myself to tell him who I am, and not only that but I've lied to him about my age. (I'm 18 btw, he's 23). He's confided in me about his trust issues and I don't know if I can risk hurting him.

What should I do? Keep going as I am then let eventually let him down gently or tell him the truth and hope for the best?

British_Twink, I think you already know the answer to this one. You need to tell him the truth about your feelings for him and who you really are. The sooner, the better.

Out of curiousity, what made you think an age difference of just 5 years would matter to him?

Be honest with him. You never know he might even be flattered that a young guy like you is interested in him.

It's also a lesson to be learned. Always be honest then you can make better decisions.

QFT!