I need advice on relationships please

Dennes

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Hello guys, so i need different perspectives on a relationship dilemma that I'm having issues navigating. I have limited experience is dating so pardon me i sound naive. It's going to be a lengthy post so i apologise in advance


I'm 23 years old, currently living in a homophobic country so the dating pool is really small. I realised sooner in life that the Modern styles of dating like hook ups / friends with benefits or one night stands aren't the thing for me because of 2 reasons; first, I don't really enjoy sexual activity with people i dont have feelings for and secondly, it always seems to end up in a messy situationship. I've already had 2 messy situationships and they have been tiring. I have never had a boyfriend and i really want to experience that so i decided that even though I'm younger and I'm supposed to be dating and having fun, i want something more stable and committed because it seems like that is what is ideal for me.

Is 2021 while on a program, I met a guy under very messy circumstances,( he used to hook up with a friend of mine and when it fizzled out he kinda quickly moved on to me which i think is a red flag tbh ).

Honestly, i dont know if it is because at the moment i am really wanting for a relationship or if i actually developed feelings for him because we are actually quite compatible in very many aspects, like we just "fit" and he is caring towards me and has virtually everything i'd want in a partner but after about a month of "just talking" , I told him i liked him and wanted something more serious going foward and i wasn't interested in just being fuckbudies basically , he said the feelings were mutual in all respects and I believed him because he actually almost acts like my boyfriend so i thought he liked me but apparently not enough cuz ......About 2 weeks later we had another convo and he flipped the script on me and said he just wanted a fling and that's all that he is available for. It stung but i accepted it and told him that we weren't on the same page and it was better we stopped further communication

Well, months have passed and despite the conversation we had, we eventually went sexual and pretty much ended up becoming another situationship because no matter how many times I tell him I don't want a hook up he looks for ways to get my attention and I allow it and next thing you know we're messaging all day again and fooling around, this circle went on until December last year and I have refused to respond to his messages this time because I couldn't believe i had just spent the entire 2022 playing boyfriends with a guy that wasn't my boyfriend. Would laugh, talk bicker, fight , make out and care for each other like boyfriends. I felt like I wasted all that effort on something that wasn't.

The problem is, i keep thinking about him and his kisses and i know its normal to miss him and crave things but, on the one hand i feel played because he approached me and i was very upfront about what i wanted from the beginning but he wasn't and he has refused to respect my bounderies by continuing to initiate things but on the other hand i wonder if i was too foward and rigid with my rules. After all, I'm young and I should be dating around right? BTW I'm not meeting anyone new.

So should i just enjoy what he's ready to give which is anything but a relationship or should i stick to my rules with the fear that he just wants me around till he finds someone he actually wants to be with? What do you think i should do pleassse

Sorry for the long post and thanks for your response
 

Brodie888

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Firstly, he won't ever change. So don't convince yourself of that happening.

There's nothing wrong with playing with him if you are able to also keep looking for someone who wants the same as you but it sounds like you aren't that sort of person. So being with him is actually blocking you from finding others.

Basically you want a relationship but you are compromising your values to make this square peg fit. In the long run, you will feel like shit when he screws you over. So better to cut him off now if you aren't willing to just be a fuck buddy.

At the moment you are just role-playing a relationship. It's not real, it's just in your head.

If he doesn't have many options, he may tell you what you want to hear but he won't be able to sustain it. If you lure him into a relationship, he will either break up early or cheat repeatedly.
 

Brodie888

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One more thing. People are all different. Don't ever think that what you want out of life is the same as everyone else.

Him not wanting to be in a relationship with you has nothing to do with you. It's about him. So no matter what you say or do, he will still be the same.

Time is the one thing in life you can't get back once you've spent it. You've invested a year in a ponzi scheme, it's time to cash out while you can and look for a better option.
 
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Dennes

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One more thing. People are all different. Don't ever think that what you want out of life is the same as everyone else.

Him not wanting to be in a relationship with you has nothing to do with you. It's about him. So no matter what you say or do, he will still be the same.

Time is the one thing in life you can't get back once you've spent it. You've invested a year in a ponzi scheme, it's time to cash out while you can and look for a better option.
Thank you so much for your response and also thank you for validating the rational part of me who had realised very early on that this guy was only going to waste my time and emotions but the hopeful part of me who wanted a relationship with him decided to allow him do that to me for about a year. Sometimes i doubt my decision because i miss him but other times when i really think about all that transpired and what you've said i realise that he really isn't worth all that.

Thank you!
 

dreambridger

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is your country even more condemning to actual gay relationships than they are just gay sex? From what I'm to understand some anti-homosexual countries hookups are still common and lowkey acceptable as long as there's not an actual expressed domestic relationship. If so, would that be an influence on this guy's reluctance?
 
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Dennes

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is your country even more condemning to actual gay relationships than they are just gay sex? From what I'm to understand some anti-homosexual countries hookups are still common and lowkey acceptable as long as there's not an actual expressed domestic relationship. If so, would that be an influence on this guy's reluctance?
You are right. The anti gay laws here only expressly prohibits gay domestic relationships and associations but there's a very big, thriving and active gay community here although everything has to be somewhat incognito, hook ups are very available, and people have proper relationships.

That being said, i doubt "living in a homophobic country" has influenced his reluctance and if it did, I would completely respect it but he has never communicated that to me. And its like i was asking for a life partner or a husband, i know those things take time and a lot of effort to grow especially in an environment like this . I just wanted to be taken seriously and be prioritized the way i did him.
 
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superstudmenow

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You are right. The anti gay laws here only expressly prohibits gay domestic relationships and associations but there's a very big, thriving and active gay community here although everything has to be somewhat incognito, hook ups are very available, and people have proper relationships.

That being said, i doubt "living in a homophobic country" has influenced his reluctance and if it did, I would completely respect it but he has never communicated that to me. And its like i was asking for a life partner or a husband, i know those things take time and a lot of effort to grow especially in an environment like this . I just wanted to be taken seriously and be prioritized the way i did him.
I suggest that you do not continue with him & just find another gay man that you BOTH want each other.
 
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Brodie888

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Thank you so much for your response and also thank you for validating the rational part of me who had realised very early on that this guy was only going to waste my time and emotions but the hopeful part of me who wanted a relationship with him decided to allow him do that to me for about a year. Sometimes i doubt my decision because i miss him but other times when i really think about all that transpired and what you've said i realise that he really isn't worth all that.

Thank you!
You don't really miss him. You miss being intimate with someone. Anyone.

If some other guy was with you, you wouldn't even think about him. Just be patient and persistent and someone will come along.
 
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