I need advice really bad.

Mercurygirl

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Why?
Are you under the impression that they havn't paid me back the first loan because they have always paid me back, that's why I'm not concerned about loaning them the money.

Hey, it's your money. I personally think it's a bad idea to lend money to friends unless it's a real emergency. I especially think it's a bad idea to repeatedly lend a friend money. Although you think you're helping them by continually bailing them out you are in fact enabling poor financial responsibility on the part of your friend. If it's a significant amount of money always get it in writing with the date, amount loaned, a timeline on when the money will be payed back, and the person's signature. Better still have another friend there as a witness when they sign it. The People's Court as well as a host of other copycat shows have given me valuable life lessons on how quickly friendships can erode and once good friends can turn on you when there's money involved.

But again, that's just my personal policy. You do what you want.
 

TheRob

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if the dude hasn't paid you back the first time, and you don't think you're going to get that back...don't lend it to him again. money between friends is always an issue. avoid it.

that's just it the reason I'm not concerned about the loan is that they have always paid me back before (not that there have been a lot of loans either so don't let me give that impression)
you guys have to understand we are talking about probubly a small loan once every 3 years
it's not like they are coming to me every month when thier bills are due!
it's quite rare, but we have known each other for years so even tho it dosn't happen often it has happend enough times that they basically have 'good credit' with me as it were...
once again I have to point out I'm not looking for advice about the loan, I'm looking for advice on how to figure out if I'm being manipulated or if even I possibly am the one out of line taking advantage of the situation by them giving me more attention/time then they normally would! if that is indeed what is happening
I like to think that since I'm willing to accept that possablity that maybe it means I'm not doing that but I don't know.

I appreciate everyone trying to help really I do, it's just that the actual problem I have is being ignored in favor of giving me advice on something I have no question about!
 
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TheRob

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you ignored my wonderful advice so now i'm sulking.

I have seen pictures of you, no man could ever ignore you I promise.
and honestly, fair weather friend is not a bad way to describe them
I've had that thought about them myself lately sadly : o (
 

dolfette

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you're better off with just one or two friends, or even just a sodding goldfish, than you are with the toxic types who are only interested in how a friendship will benefit them. they'll sap your self esteem away, drip by drip, by making you feel that you're only worth what you can give them.
 

lynxz23

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This is a saying I heard friends and money don't mix its succinct and reduces drama in life I live by it
 
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Actually, I think it is a good thing you are asking these things of yourself. What you probably need to ask yourself as well is why do you find yourself in the position of loaning people money in the first place, and why you are continually asked to do so. If this person has had the need to continually over an extended period, borrow money from you, you have to ask the question, why is this? Are they bad or poor with financial decisions, or spend outside of their means? Do they get themselves into difficulty with things that our out of their control, or things they can control, but don't want to?

Sounds to me they would benifit more from some financial lessons, and not periodic handouts. Or is it you like people to be dependent upon you?
 
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dolfette

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Actually, I think it is a good thing you are asking these things of yourself. What you probably need to ask yourself as well is why do you find yourself in the position of loaning people money in the first place, and why you are continually asked to do so. If this person has had the need to continually over an extended period had the need to borrow money from you, you have to ask the question why is this? Are they bad or poor with financial decisions, or spend outside of their means. Do they get themselves into difficulty with things that our out of their control, or things they can control, but don't want to.
i think that's irrelevant. you can have a great friend who is also a money pit. a person who is always there, supportive and has your back can still be shite with cash. you decide whether or not you want to risk your money without it risking a friendship.

the question is one of friendship, not of finance.
 

TheRob

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you're better off with just one or two friends, or even just a sodding goldfish, than you are with the toxic types who are only interested in how a friendship will benefit them. they'll sap your self esteem away, drip by drip, by making you feel that you're only worth what you can give them.

I get the impressionyou have been through a situation like that?
 

TheRob

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Actually, I think it is a good thing you are asking these things of yourself. What you probably need to ask yourself as well is why do you find yourself in the position of loaning people money in the first place, and why you are continually asked to do so. If this person has had the need to continually over an extended period, borrow money from you, you have to ask the question, why is this? Are they bad or poor with financial decisions, or spend outside of their means? Do they get themselves into difficulty with things that our out of their control, or things they can control, but don't want to?

Sounds to me they would benifit more from some financial lessons, and not periodic handouts. Or is it you like people to be dependent upon you?

I like people to feel like they can trust me to come to me with a problem, whatever the problem is.
I have offered financial advice and they were keen to listen.
and like I said they havn't borrowed all that often when you consider how long I have known them, I'd say once every 3 years
as to why they come to me, well I've got the money basically I tend not to spend it
 

TheRob

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Just tell the 'friend', very apologetically, that you don't have the money to lend at the moment.

I suspect he'll become unpleasant & then vanish in a venomous cloud.

they would know I was lieing
besides like I said before loaning them the money is not a problem at all, it's a small sum, it is a relativly rare occurance and they have paid me back the few times they have borrowed before
the money is nothing at all to do with the problem

the problem is the two sided coin of manipulation/taking advantage of them.
I don't want them to try to act like we are better friends then we are, and shower me with attention they normally wouldn't give because they want something. I don't want them to think they can manipulate me, but I also don't want them to think that they have to do that. The point is I would do this even without them being extra nice to me. And part of what bothers me is that they don't know me well enough to know that. (If that is indeed what is happening)
And the other side of that coin is I don't want to take advantage of them, getting the extra attention that I normally wouldn't be getting because they would normally be doing something else like studying for thier college classes or whatever.
There is the possability of course that they are just trying to be a better friend tome then they have been for the past few months, to be totally fair to them most of the time of our friendship they have been the type to talk to me a fair bit. Only in the past few months (since new years basically) had they been more distant, so it is equally likely that there is nothing bad going on here. The problem is I don't know how to figure it out myself and aside from two people all the advice I have been getting is based on the loan. Once again the loan is nothing to me.
For the difference this amount of money will make you may as well just assume I'm a millionaire and they want a hundred bucks ok?
It's nothing it's not even a factor.
In fact fuck the money pretend I never mentioned it, pretend the issue is they want to borrow a pair of shoes that I hardly ever wear. And I'm worried they are being extra nice to me to make sure I loan them the shoes ok?

I'm sorry if I seem rude, but I have 2 pages of advice about the one part of the situation that isn't a problem and only Dolfette has given me advice on the actual question I have! I appreciate that everyone is trying to help, really I do I just am getting answers to questions I havn't asked!
 

D_Bubba_Butter

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To be frank, you already know that the guy is not a 'real' friend. You made it pretty clear in your original post. What you actually want is for someone to say that's not true. Either because you're genuinely a nice guy, or you don't want to feel like a cash cow/mug (or, more likely, both). Hence your reticence to engage in any behaviour that might confirm that.
 

dolfette

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I get the impressionyou have been through a situation like that?
mine was more that i was surrounded by drama mongers. when i stopped playing the game, they lost interest and left. my life is richer now for having begun afresh.
 
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i think that's irrelevant. you can have a great friend who is also a money pit. a person who is always there, supportive and has your back can still be shite with cash. you decide whether or not you want to risk your money without it risking a friendship.

the question is one of friendship, not of finance.

I see good friends much like family. I myself have helped out friends on occassion with money. More so I have helped out my kids. But there has to come a time when they need to stand on their own two feet themselves. Does not matter how much you love them. Otherwise you are making their situation worse, not better. Whether they are family, or friends by continually shelling out the dollars.

I guess my point of view comes from someone who is fiercley independent, but not heartless. Loaning money without fully knowing someone is a fools game. Sometimes you are caught out even by those closest to you. Money can be spent for good intentions or bad. It can be loaned or stolen for the same reasons. In the end it is the OP's money. Loaning people money is as much responsibility as the person that borrows it. Consequences come with that. If the op is not comfortable, ie, asking questions. Then his/her/lenders intuition is saying something is not good, or it could make something not good.
 
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NotSoDumb_Blonde

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they would know I was lieing
besides like I said before loaning them the money is not a problem at all, it's a small sum, it is a relativly rare occurance and they have paid me back the few times they have borrowed before
the money is nothing at all to do with the problem

the problem is the two sided coin of manipulation/taking advantage of them.
I don't want them to try to act like we are better friends then we are, and shower me with attention they normally wouldn't give because they want something. I don't want them to think they can manipulate me, but I also don't want them to think that they have to do that. The point is I would do this even without them being extra nice to me. And part of what bothers me is that they don't know me well enough to know that. (If that is indeed what is happening)
And the other side of that coin is I don't want to take advantage of them, getting the extra attention that I normally wouldn't be getting because they would normally be doing something else like studying for thier college classes or whatever.
There is the possability of course that they are just trying to be a better friend tome then they have been for the past few months, to be totally fair to them most of the time of our friendship they have been the type to talk to me a fair bit. Only in the past few months (since new years basically) had they been more distant, so it is equally likely that there is nothing bad going on here. The problem is I don't know how to figure it out myself and aside from two people all the advice I have been getting is based on the loan. Once again the loan is nothing to me.
For the difference this amount of money will make you may as well just assume I'm a millionaire and they want a hundred bucks ok?
It's nothing it's not even a factor.
In fact fuck the money pretend I never mentioned it, pretend the issue is they want to borrow a pair of shoes that I hardly ever wear. And I'm worried they are being extra nice to me to make sure I loan them the shoes ok?

I'm sorry if I seem rude, but I have 2 pages of advice about the one part of the situation that isn't a problem and only Dolfette has given me advice on the actual question I have! I appreciate that everyone is trying to help, really I do I just am getting answers to questions I havn't asked!

okay, factor out the money. Now, the issue is they've been distant since New Years. So, have you thought, perhaps, they are having a hard time? That the stress from bills/and so on, has taken all their time and they have been caught up in that, perhaps simply feeling too miserable to even contact friends. And if they need money, and they know it, it's also humiliating to a degree to ask for help. Believe me, I've been in a situation where I needed help and it was hard -- wicked hard -- to ask. I'm very independent, and yes, when I'm in trouble I tend to shut down and focus on fixing the issues -- not talking to friends like I always do. Maybe they are simply having a rough spot, now they are better, but still not 100% and have the brain power to think of someone other than their own issues?

I hope this helps Rob, I could see your frustration with the money thing. And for the record, I loan money to a few friends. I see get it back too. It's just no big deal and if I need money they'd loan me some too. *shrug*
 

Ohioguy

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"A Fool and Their Money Soon Part.". I don't loan money to friends, period. Loaning money can never be an issue in any friendship I have because it just isn't something I would do and I would say so. If I lose a friendship because I wouldn't loan them oh, well it isn't a loss. I would loan money to a family member, but with the personal knowledge that I don't care if it is repaid or not. I wouldn't tell the family member this and I would expect repayment. If repayment is not made I would think long & hard before loaning them money again.
 

TheRob

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"A Fool and Their Money Soon Part.". I don't loan money to friends, period. Loaning money can never be an issue in any friendship I have because it just isn't something I would do and I would say so. If I lose a friendship because I wouldn't loan them oh, well it isn't a loss. I would loan money to a family member, but with the personal knowledge that I don't care if it is repaid or not. I wouldn't tell the family member this and I would expect repayment. If repayment is not made I would think long & hard before loaning them money again.

to me, close friends are as family