I need advice!

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by JP0724, Nov 11, 2008.

  1. JP0724

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    Okay here is the situation, and I just need some general advice.

    I have an employee (I know its already starting off bad) and he came to work for me at the beginning of November, however I have known him for quite some time (about a year). He actually worked for a very good friend of mine and as such we have became friends. We would flirt and joke around and whatever, nothing serious just playing around.

    He has a boyfriend and they seem very happy together. We actually all go to the same church together now so we have all three gotten very close, but the more I get to know my employee the more sparks fly. We have a very very strong connection. It's not a sexual connection whatsoever, please let me make that very clear, it's an emotional connection.

    When I think of him, I don't think of fucking him, I think of holding him, and taking him on romantic trips, etc. but the moral of my whole post is this. Things continue to heat up and things continue to progress and things in my opinion are kind of stepping over the line. Example is this, his texts and e-mails started ending with "muah", then progressed to "xo", then now "love ya's" He has little pet names that have crept up where he will call me in the morning and say like "Hey boo, how's your morning? You have a 9 O'clock or whatever" and at first I just brushed it off that he is just joking around and it's all just fun and games between us but now I am just feeling really conflicted

    On one hand, I say, geez I have this amazing connection with this guy, and I can't get him out of my head and all I want to do is make him happy, and treat him like a king, but then the logical side says, wait a minute, he's your employee and regardless of what you feel you need to draw a line and not let this go on. I don't care about the liability, I could care less about money.. you get some, you lose some, not a big deal. I just think that I need to draw a line in the sand, and separate work from personal.

    any insight on this?? ( Sorry such a long post )
     
  2. unabear09

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    sounds like ya'll have developed feelings for each other.
     
  3. JP0724

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    I know that I definitely have feelings for him, but I never know how to take him. I can't tell if he is joking around or if he is serious. I always get mixed signals and I never know how to take him.
     
  4. OldPArtner

    OldPArtner New Member

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    1. Get him transferred.
    2. 3-gay orgy
    3. ???
    4. PROFIT!!1
     
  5. JP0724

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    Can't transfer him, I own the company... They are ALL my employees unfortunately.
     
  6. SpeedoMike

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    get carried away and he might own the company from winning a discrimination lawsuit. I'm retired personnel manager and I can't begin to tell you how risky this can be. but then, you're the boss and it's your money. it may turn out that you live happily ever after with a new BB/employee.
     
  7. surferboy

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    or the other employees might end up getting rich from an unfair treatment lawsuit.

    brah, this may be hard for you, but you need to end da kine relationship you got goin on. you need for sit him down, yah? you need for tell him "look, you're an amazing person, but we need to keep this relationship personal. no more "boo's" "muah's" "love ya's" and no more pet names. i'm your boss, and you're my employee. that's all that can ever be"
     
  8. Sklar

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    JP, you have seriously dug yourself into a deep hole. All that's waiting is for someone to come along and bury you in it.

    You need to protect yourself and the company you worked so hard to build and you need to do that now.

    Keep employees as employees. Find someone else to form a connection with.

    Stop seeing this guy socially and stop seeing him now. As much as I hate to say it, you need to consult a lawyer on how to stop this. Do NOT do anything without legal advice.

    You crossed so far over the line with this, you might as well be in Narnia.

    Sklar
     
  9. ges

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    No-one else has mentioned the possibility of getting him another job outside your company. Not easy to do, I should think, but it might allow your relationship to continue/develop further.
    Good luck!
     
  10. Viking_UK

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    I'd say you should keep the relationship as professional as possible. Getting emotionally involved with employees is often a big mistake. It's possible to have a friendship with someone out of work but to be totally professionaly at work. However, very few people can manage that even short-term and it usually goes pear-shaped in the end.

    I'd recommend pulling back a little and saying you'd like to remain friends, but that you're getting too personal for a boss/employee relationship. For as long as he's working for you, he should remain just your employee and nothing more, because otherwise you're opening yourself up to all sorts of problems with favouritism, discrimination and leveraging. On top of all that, if you ever fall out, it could turn ugly.
     
  11. RedScrotum

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    Love makes you do crazy things...but don't get stupid, and I mean that in a loving way.
     
  12. erratic

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    I agree with Viking UK. It's great to flirt and have fun friends, but this guy is your employee. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
     
  13. Corius

    Corius New Member

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    By all means, continue to be his friend; he obviously has feelings toward you. Just remember that male friendship bonding is a treasure to be guarded. Not all friendships move to the point where there is a sexual element. If there is ever to be that in your relationship with this young man you will both know that when the time comes. But, until then, I think you are safe if you assume that he does not want to seduce you.

    And, above all, when you have the opportunity, do be honest with him and give him permission to be honest with you. And give yourself permission to express your friendship in open moves: a pat on the back, a quick embrace would let you communicate something of your feelings for the man and his for you. You are the best judge of that. There doesn't need to be a "line in the sand"--good friends are not seducers and manage to work out their personal relationship by common, often unspoken, agreement.
     
  14. JP0724

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    Thank You all for all the comments.. It really helped. We went to dinner last night and I basically just told him that I can't be in a relationship with him as long as he is working for me, and just explained the legal implications and liability risk that he is putting me in, and he totally understood and said that he was just joking, but that he would pull it back a bit and be more professional. The great news is that we had a great dinner, and we are still friends and everything worked out okay. I didn't get sued, and he has stopped with the flirtations. I would be lying if I said my heart wasn't aching a little, but it's the smart thing to do. If it's meant to be then some how down the road it will be. I have to protect my company. At first I was thinking like Oh I don't care if I get sued, screw it, but my attorney helped me to see that it's not about me or if I care if " I " lose money or not, there are a lot of people who show up everyday to work and collect their paychecks and those are the people who care if the company gets sued and goes under... so I am doing this for my employees, I want them to all have the best life possible and that's not going to happen unless I make these changes.

    So in conclusion, I will miss the little heart shapes, and x's and o's at the end of my e-mails from him, and I will miss the hugs and butterflies in my stomach, but at least I will know that my employees have a sound future, and I will always have this moment in time to remember how great it felt. Thank you for all the help!
     
  15. strikingapollo

    strikingapollo New Member

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    I dont know if this appropriate or anything but if you really like the guy, why not see where it goes? So he works for you, big whoop. You can still have a romantic life and a professional life at the same time. If what you feel is an emotional connection then that must mean something. For instantance, ask yourself this,

    "How often does this happen to me? How many guys have passed my way and have made me feel this way?"

    Its corny and all but if you think about it, you'll actually realize if this could blossom into something meaningful. You two can have a professional relationship at work and have an actual relationship after office hours. It all depends on how you handle it. If you think... no let me rephrase that, if you KNOW deep down inside you that there's something there then what are you afraid off? Everyone can be cavalier about love and sex. In life, the best choices are made through risks. May the outcome be good or bad, its all on how you handle it. If worse comes to worse, life goes on and what does not destroy you will make you stronger.
     
  16. Corius

    Corius New Member

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    As I see it, too many persons are simply lacking in that great personal quality, serendipity, which is that openness to the many breaks, surprises, etc. which come one's way in life and to take these gifts and use them constructively. Looking back on my life, I admit that I was indeed fortunate: I had the benefit of the breaks that many others never had. But, I had the good sense to make use of those breaks as well.

    I have learned too that often in a bad situation the truly creative persons are those who can see the little ways in which the situation can be improved to the point of becoming tolerable. That's not the "break through" one aims for, but a holding action in which one is ready for openings down the line. Those who keep hope alive in themselves and others do often live to see the day when things come together for those who have learned to live in expectation.

    Friendships are life's best gifts and we ought always to guard them tenderly. Not many of them become sexual relationships but they are nevertheless important.

    Our actions do have consequences for ourselves and also for others. I applaud the concern the OP expresses for the "attractive" young man and the other employees as well.
     
  17. cyberczar

    cyberczar New Member

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    Aye yaye aiee yaii....

    I hate to say this but it sounds like you need to get rid of him. Your feelings for him will cloud whatever business judgements you may need to make with regards to him now and in the future.

    Either marry him, or fire him. I hate to say it, but even friends working for you is a bad idea.

    (Florida is a right-to-work State which you know.)

    Besides, this could all be a mindfuck ploy to begin a discrimination lawsuit against you.

    I manage 11 people. Two of my guys are gay. My boss is gay. His boss is straight though.

    I had to let one of my guys go a few months ago because of his subtle advances. It wasn't easy to do, and I really liked the guy, but the decision was easy to make. The moment my employee stepped over that invisible boundary and made business personal he had to go. It was as simple as that.

    Business is, at the end of the day, still business.
     
  18. sexplease

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    He is your friend first. Talk with him.

    He is your employee second. Talk to him.
     
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