i need advice

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by Imported, Apr 10, 2004.

  1. Imported

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    curiousboutdicks: I have been in a serious relationship with someone for the last 6 months but we've been messing around since 2001. Sex has always been a problem for us mainly because when we first started, it was mainly 15 minute quickies on random occasions with nearly any foreplay and it was always bent over some table...i think he has a fetish for doing it on tables. Since we've been together seriously, the duration of time has increased a little and we finally do the limbo in a bed. My problem is he doesn't get me turned on often. We still have a good sex life (at least 2-4 times a week) but he's usually the one to initiate and most times i have to tell him to slow down because i am not turned on as yet....Most of the time we have to resort to KY jelly to get the initial moistness and once he's in, i will remain moist because eventually I will get into the sex...but initially, his kisses and breast stimulation does nothing for me. Oral sex doesn't happen very often because i don't like giving blowjobs on a consistent basis so he is holding out on me as well. On the rare ocassion when he licks me I have to grind my pelvis on his face in order to enjoy it and sometimes I cum that way. BTW i have never had an orgasm from vaginal penetration and he doesn't bother to try anymore because he thinks that is not going to happen. Can it just be that i am bored with him???is it me that the problem??...I look at other guys and get turned on about the "possibilities" without anything happening
     
  2. benderten2001

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    I always dislike "going first" with a reply to a new thread. (I usually wind up looking dumb compared to the other poster's excellent advice!).

    I immediately picked up on the idea of "the table position" as being somewhat of a "turn-off" for you.
    Is it? If it is, we're possibly already on to something, here.

    Then, you mention the "other routines" your b.f. typically follows...again all "boring" (?) to you.

    Maybe your b.f. is NOT the man for you...But, how will you know for sure, then?

    You and he can try a thousand and one different positions, techniques, maneuvers, --whatever.
    Only one thing though, will ever really, (reliably) work.

    It's been said around our forum so many,many times but it bears repeating, I think for you and all recent new members who have found their way here.....key word:

    C O M M U N I C A T I O N.

    In a proper way, at the correct time and in a tender, caring, understanding manner....you and your b.f. need to talk. You need to be honest, yet somewhat daring. Sympathetic, but genuine in conveying some changes and new directions are going to have to be considered as to achieving better sexual gratification for BOTH of you.. If HE is the "right man" for you in ways beyond physically pleasing you, he will be willing to listen to you and would even welcome your input. I'm hoping he at least turns out to be the kind of man who will put your needs first.....before his own.

    Many men assume a lot when it comes to (trying to) sexually please a woman. Men would do well though, to accept, we don't always know "what to do" necessarily, despite our various "experiences". Our natural instincts will always (try to) prevail but instincts may not always lead us into all the right directions with a woman. The "moves" and "techniques" we think we can boast of and try over and over again just may not lend themselves to every given situation with every woman. (Boy! I can hear my peers cursing me now for even saying that! :mad: ) -- It's true though. Women need to coax and guide us men quite often. Men aren't "mind- readers" as such. We can often be VERY good at sensing the mood to do something! --But, we often (quite innnocently, too! ;) don't fit the bill for whatever reason. If we men could only accept it's not always a matter of "size" either. Nor is absolutely always "technique or method". All the difference in the world can often come--just by LISTENING first--and then make certain efforts to do something new or even differently in lovemaking.. (Guys! We really shouldn't feel too ashamed to admit to this either!) ;) For that matter, it works both ways. Women need to "learn" too, about what men like. Often, compromise IS what we're talking about here....there's really no way to avoid it.

    So, it's right back to that word again, communication.

    So, Curious, if for any reason your b.f. is not willing to talk, discuss, and consider, then he may not be the right man for you...more ways than one. Hard as that would be to accept perhaps, you probably already have an idea of what you might need to consider and eventually have to do. Tolerating the same ole "dull" routines you've alluded to, is NOT going to cut it.

    That's really what's behind your question here, isn't it?

    One other concern I note here, and I'll stop. ;D
    Your "fascination over other men's sizes (which your screen handle and your other posts allude to). This mental barrier (?) may also be impacting your ability to thoroughly enjoy your current relationship. In addition to (I hope!) your not making your b.f. feel "inadequate" by remarks or other conversation, I have to wonder if hanging around this site too much is really going to permit you to give your b.f. a fair chance to ever please you? Just how important is this man in your life? Could it be necessary for you to think about that "angle" as well?

    How's THAT for honesty?

    Sorry. ...just a thought. :)
     
  3. Imported

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    mhk: As usual, Bender, you have hit the important points squarely on the head. If you posted first on most threads, most threads would be half as long. You are one of the reasons I hang around this site. ;)
     
  4. Imported

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    curiousboutdicks: Thank you so much for the response. I really appreciate the advice. The most important thing that your post talked about is communication and we do have good communication..hard as that is to believe. I have always been honest with him...this guy knows my entire sexual history from my first kiss and recently we broached the topic of our sex life...usually i am the one to bring up the topic but i asked him if he felt we had a good sex life and if there were changes or interests he would like to try..what would it be? He said that he feels that i hold back my feelings sometimes like i am afraid to just let loose...I'll admit it is kinda hard to get buck wild when you're sharing an apartment with a prude that never sleeps it seems so we have to be really quiet when we have sex.
    He says that he's satisfied with the foreplay but he wishes I would give him oral on a more regular basis. I feel I need a little more foreplay sometimes and i usually have to slow him down because he will try to stick it in when i am dry down there....The sex is good for both of us except that he cums every time...and I only cum on the rare occasion when we have oral sex done to me. We have talked about this so much and sometimes i feel like he does listen but he's a little stuck in his ways.

    He is aware of my involvement with this website and it doesn't really bother him unless I am on here while he's in the same room with me...he feels like i don't give him all my attention. I am comfortable with his size..sometimes it even hurts depending on the position.

    Outside the bedroom, we have a great relationship and he's a great guy...could even be the one if we just worked on things...He means alot to me..and i do want to be with him...

    One thing that i personally have a problem that i need to resolve on my own is that...I am not used to sex the way we do it...The table thing is not a turn off...I am just scared that we break the table doing it... :D but we compromised and i did it on a end table which was alittle closer to the ground and sturdier and my back hurted so much but it was still fun. We do try to make it interesting within limits...i just wonder why i don't get butterflies in my stomach every time he's near.
     
  5. benderten2001

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    FIRST----mhk....thank you for your kind words. ;)
    But, if I was to influence others' participating by always responding first, then I would be left most unhappy.
    --I would miss out then, on hearing (and LEARNING!) from others often far wiser than I will ever be.
    But, I appreciate your sentiments. I really do.
    ---------
    Now...back to Curious...

    Your added comments have now cleared up a lot of things (for me, anyway). You dropped a few other "hints" about what's complicating life for you and your b.f..

    The "sharing living arrangements with a prude" (holding down on the noise) and your b.f. preferring more oral.
    Your fearing breaking down the table.... ;D
    ---Some of these are worth pondering just a bit perhaps, others maybe not too seriously, that is.

    I think now, upon hearing more from you Curious...I'll just suggest this one other word and that's TIME.
    Give yourselves time.

    I especially found this interesting:

    [quote author=curiousboutdicks link=board=women;num=1081571519;start=0#3 date=04/10/04 at 14:37:08]

    "...Outside the bedroom, we have a great relationship and he's a great guy...could even be the one if we just worked on things...He means alot to me..and i do want to be with him...

    ...i just wonder why i don't get butterflies in my stomach every time he's near."

    [/quote]

    Didn't you HEAR yourself in those first several lines, uh?
    (I HOPE you're not missing out on something crucial!)

    And....
    Who says everyone has "butterflies" all the time?
    IS there (REALLY) an I D E A L relationship/romance anyway where skies are always blue; every little detail in the lovemaking department ALWAYS perfect?

    No. I think not. We tend to WANT to believe this is tghe case though, from all the hype in our culture and our image-conscious surroundings. "Perfect bliss" certainly would be the ideal... but, it is NOT reality.

    If the two of you have known one another since 2001 and you can speak of truly liking the guy and enjoying his company....then you already have much to build a good future upon together! (You're not missing that point are you?....for focusing instead on the sex?)

    Don't let your sexual relationship absolutely dictate your destiny. (I purposely avoided the temptation to spell dictate differently! ;D ) --Ahem, sorry.

    My thought is that you just may be placing way too much emphasis on an area (sex) that, given a period of time, will begin to work itself out. You're both still in a learning mode (having been sexually active with one another for only a few months now.) You both will eventually learn more about what works....for you individually and, as a couple.

    I hope both of you though, are nonetheless willing to "pick up" signals from each other and respond. That's the "compromise" I spoke of earlier. If he wants more of a particular technique, then why not attempt it? If each of you make the effort to please the other, that in itself speaks of how much you truly care about one another's happiness, and how far you're willing to go.

    I'm glad to hear too, that you DO communicate well together. --That's great all in itself. ;)

    Aside from perhaps a difference in the degree of sexual appetites between two people, I immediately can't see why, if two people really like each other and get along, that the sexual aspect of their relationship can't be worked out. Again, what we keep hearing about all around us (our media and our literature), they all tend to give us wrong impressions (and some very wrong directions) in our everyday lives.

    If you have the rare blessing (gift!) of having someone in your life whom you like and enjoy, let that fact alone guide you along. Be thankful for what you have going for you right now!

    (In case I have to further spell this out for you--There are many, MANY relationships where the sex might be great, but the company, the companionship, the everyday living........... is absolutely lousy!)

    ---I'm NOT making this up. ;)
     
  6. madame_zora

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    Bender, your comments are sensitive and insightful, thank you. The only thing I would add to that is the specific information curious shared in the original post about the lack of kissing and nipple play. Although these needs vary amoung women, sex is simply no fun for a woman when she is not properly aroused. Add to your communications exactly what DOES arouse you, so he won't be in the dark. Most men I have known resort to the actions that have pleased their lovers in the past, which may not be what does it for you. As women, we are often adverse to talking about our sexual needs, or we don't outline them clearly enough. There have been times I thought I was proverbially standing on a chair screaming, when my lover thought I was dropping hints. Here's my suggestion- tell him "I don't like abrupt sex, it's doesn't make me hot, it's rather annoying" and then tell him what would be better. I would suspect the reason you are fantasizing about other men is simply because your needs are not being met, the fantasies would likely stop if you were satisfied. If you want to be with this man, give him the chance to be your best mate, if he's who you seem to think he is, he may very well appreciate being let into your head a little.
     
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