I need friends, or something...

AnerosO

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I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this type of thing, but I just kind of realized today how incredibly difficult it's become for me to make meaningful friendships in the last few years. I'm 24 now, and many of my friends have moved away, married off, are busy with work, etc... I just don't have any particularly deep male friends anymore.

Being gay, I'm really not sure whether I'm looking for a friend or a boyfriend. To be honest, being in a relationship scares me. I've actually never been in one before. Never had sex either. It's all of my own choice though. I was raised in a religious family, and so those beliefs have shaped me into the prude I am today. I try to find intimacy in friendship with others, but I think I'm getting my feelings mixed up. Is the intimacy I'm looking for an intimacy that can only be found in a relationship? Or am I looking for someone who I can trust and love as a friend?

I'm so confused right now.

A couple years ago, I lost my best friend to suicide, and I think it really messed me up. I've been desperate for intimacy since then. Desperate for someone I can share my thoughts with, who I can be myself with, who I can be open and honest with. I just don't know what to do. I'm so lost and broken at this point.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of issue / frustration? Has anyone else had a hard time making new friends / finding a boyfriend?
 

Brodie888

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I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this type of thing, but I just kind of realized today how incredibly difficult it's become for me to make meaningful friendships in the last few years. I'm 24 now, and many of my friends have moved away, married off, are busy with work, etc... I just don't have any particularly deep male friends anymore.

Being gay, I'm really not sure whether I'm looking for a friend or a boyfriend. To be honest, being in a relationship scares me. I've actually never been in one before. Never had sex either. It's all of my own choice though. I was raised in a religious family, and so those beliefs have shaped me into the prude I am today. I try to find intimacy in friendship with others, but I think I'm getting my feelings mixed up. Is the intimacy I'm looking for an intimacy that can only be found in a relationship? Or am I looking for someone who I can trust and love as a friend?

I'm so confused right now.

A couple years ago, I lost my best friend to suicide, and I think it really messed me up. I've been desperate for intimacy since then. Desperate for someone I can share my thoughts with, who I can be myself with, who I can be open and honest with. I just don't know what to do. I'm so lost and broken at this point.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of issue / frustration? Has anyone else had a hard time making new friends / finding a boyfriend?

I think you are after a boyfriend. The type of relationship you are describing is wasted on friends. Mainly because friends end up with partners and the partners don't like third wheels.

Having said that, I think you should first focus on networking and getting a reliable set of friends to be your baseline. People who will always be your friend through life's ups and downs (including after break ups with boyfriends).

Having a strong core of friends will make you more emotionally stable and less desperate when searching for a boyfriend. Joining interest groups is a good start for finding gay friends.

The belief that love will turn up when you least expect it is mostly bull. You need to put energy into looking.

Good luck!
 

Brodie888

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I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this type of thing, but I just kind of realized today how incredibly difficult it's become for me to make meaningful friendships in the last few years. I'm 24 now, and many of my friends have moved away, married off, are busy with work, etc... I just don't have any particularly deep male friends anymore.

Being gay, I'm really not sure whether I'm looking for a friend or a boyfriend. To be honest, being in a relationship scares me. I've actually never been in one before. Never had sex either. It's all of my own choice though. I was raised in a religious family, and so those beliefs have shaped me into the prude I am today. I try to find intimacy in friendship with others, but I think I'm getting my feelings mixed up. Is the intimacy I'm looking for an intimacy that can only be found in a relationship? Or am I looking for someone who I can trust and love as a friend?

I'm so confused right now.

A couple years ago, I lost my best friend to suicide, and I think it really messed me up. I've been desperate for intimacy since then. Desperate for someone I can share my thoughts with, who I can be myself with, who I can be open and honest with. I just don't know what to do. I'm so lost and broken at this point.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of issue / frustration? Has anyone else had a hard time making new friends / finding a boyfriend?

In regards to your religious upbringing, you have to remember that your denomination was of your parent's choosing and not your own.

As an adult, you need to decide for yourself what kind of relationship you want to have with God and perhaps seek a denomination that reflects that.

I'm pretty certain that the God that loves you and made you gay didn't do so to torment you.
 
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I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this type of thing, but I just kind of realized today how incredibly difficult it's become for me to make meaningful friendships in the last few years. I'm 24 now, and many of my friends have moved away, married off, are busy with work, etc... I just don't have any particularly deep male friends anymore.

Being gay, I'm really not sure whether I'm looking for a friend or a boyfriend. To be honest, being in a relationship scares me. I've actually never been in one before. Never had sex either. It's all of my own choice though. I was raised in a religious family, and so those beliefs have shaped me into the prude I am today. I try to find intimacy in friendship with others, but I think I'm getting my feelings mixed up. Is the intimacy I'm looking for an intimacy that can only be found in a relationship? Or am I looking for someone who I can trust and love as a friend?

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of issue / frustration? Has anyone else had a hard time making new friends / finding a boyfriend?

I am sympathetic to the lack of friends. I've really had a big group, just a few here and there. It's actually tough to make friends even in a city as big as my own. I was able to get connected with a few people a couple of years ago and today they have all but coupled off, moved, have families or work all the time. I have attempted to find a boyfriend for a few years now and haven't had any real luck. I can get laid and have had a few safe experiences but can't seem to get any sort of lasting relationship that's romantic.

I hope you find what you are looking for soon. Hang in there.
 
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Dave NoCal

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It seems to me that men, gay straight or whatever, mainly form friendships gradually through shared activities that are carried out on an ongoing basis. I think that finding a passion that has inherent social opportunities is key. Being, or becoming, a joiner certainly helps.
 

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It seems to me that men, gay straight or whatever, mainly form friendships gradually through shared activities that are carried out on an ongoing basis. I think that finding a passion that has inherent social opportunities is key. Being, or becoming, a joiner certainly helps.

I agree with this 100 percent. Try volunteering, joining an intramural sports team, book club, etc. If you want lasting friends, it's easier if you have a shared activity in addition to just hanging out.
 

theplayerking

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Thanks for the responses. I don't know how to feel right now. I really feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm so isolated and scared. I'm paranoid, I'm frustrated and depressed. I wish I wasn't such a waste

Where are you? A lot cities have a GLBT center with support group meetings and other activities. You need some help getting through a rough patch.
 
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DavidCAHD

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Nobody likes when I say this, whether it be online or in person... But I think you should talk to a therapist. I mean, you probably wont.... But I think If you at least have one visit with a therapist it will help you.
 
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AnerosO

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Therapy's not a bad idea. But it costs a lot of money, which is something I don't really have right now. I like the idea of joining an interest group. I like rock climbing, music / art, photography / videography... I wonder if there are some workshops i can join or something in the Seattle area.
 
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Therapy's not a bad idea. But it costs a lot of money, which is something I don't really have right now. I like the idea of joining an interest group. I like rock climbing, music / art, photography / videography... I wonder if there are some workshops i can join or something in the Seattle area.
Please, do try.

I can see myself in some of your troubles.
I'm 25-26 now, so we're almost in the same age, and I know how big is the modern pressure to be popular, to have hundreds of friends on social network, to be happy, to date, to be beautiful...
Some years ago I used to have small group of friends, some guys I could count on. Life, time, and some differences came up and almost all of these friendships went away. I was pretty alone, with virtually no one to talk for quite some time, actually most of my youth. You know what helped me overcome this? The knowledge that I don't need them to be happy, it's up to me to make myself happy and content.

And do try to join some groups.
To be in the company of other people that share the same interest as you is quite good, though you will find some douchbags in the middle of all these nice people
 

AnerosO

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Please, do try.

I can see myself in some of your troubles.
I'm 25-26 now, so we're almost in the same age, and I know how big is the modern pressure to be popular, to have hundreds of friends on social network, to be happy, to date, to be beautiful...
Some years ago I used to have small group of friends, some guys I could count on. Life, time, and some differences came up and almost all of these friendships went away. I was pretty alone, with virtually no one to talk for quite some time, actually most of my youth. You know what helped me overcome this? The knowledge that I don't need them to be happy, it's up to me to make myself happy and content.

And do try to join some groups.
To be in the company of other people that share the same interest as you is quite good, though you will find some douchbags in the middle of all these nice people


Thank you for the thoughtful post. I lost my best friend to suicide. Having someone you loved, talked to, confided in and spent your darkest hours with suddenly disappearing is incredibly surreal. I've been lonely ever since then. I don't need a LOT of friends. Just 1 or 2 people I can be myself with
 

theplayerking

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Therapy's not a bad idea. But it costs a lot of money, which is something I don't really have right now. I like the idea of joining an interest group. I like rock climbing, music / art, photography / videography... I wonder if there are some workshops i can join or something in the Seattle area.

I'm sure there are lots of groups for all sorts of interests in the Seattle area. They have a great gay community center.

As you mentioned a religious upbringing, if that is still an important part of your life, you could try attending a gay friendly church, like a Metropolitan Community Church.

Gay men, of all ages, a prone to feeling lonely for various reasons. Most of us have been there at some time, even a very long time. I hope you are able to make some connections soon.
 
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Don't get involved in some relationship where all you do is bicker (like I see with many men and women).

Also I wouldn't recommend you to go to a gay sauna as someone said you should.
If you're trying to find a new friend, well that might not be the place.
But if you're only looking for sex, well...
 
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Sklar

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Seattle is filled with different gay groups.

Just go in to meetup.com and a search for gay whatever and you'll find something.

If you like Rick climbing, go to vertical world.

Music - there are all sorts of venues to go and listen to.

Go and find groups that do things you like to do and you'll find people who like to do them, too.

I am presuming you don't mind being friends with anyone, regardless of sexual orientation. If you're looking ONLY for gay friends, you're limiting yourself and you're going to end up even more disappointed than when you started.

So saying, if you are set on gay only friends, look at this business group:

http://thegsba.org

Lots of good people there.

Personally, I find the advice of going to a therapist insulting. You're looking for friends, not someone to Pat you on your back and go "there, there."

Sklar
 
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There's no shame in waiting to have relationships a little later in life. The relationships you have when you're more grownup are more rewarding. While I did have relationships when I was younger, I did not have my first serious relationship until I was 27.

The mid-twenties are *tough* for most of us and definitely was for me. I would just say writhe in the existential abstraction and find as much joy and experience as you can in it, and things will naturally start to sort itself out in your later twenties. There's no need for impatience.

And don't let the darkness of the Pacific Northwest winters get you down. I'm in the Olympic Peninsula myself. It seems like a seasonal bug out here that people get reflective in a depressive way. I've learned to make the winters as productive as possible. If you're into music and art and photography like you say, the long winter nights i find are the perfect time to get way into a creative headspace and focus on a personal project. and as you do these things for yourself, charging your willpower and pride and your ability to bring yourself joy all on your lonesome, others will be naturally attracted to that and will come to you, you won't have to find them.
 

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It seems to me that men, gay straight or whatever, mainly form friendships gradually through shared activities that are carried out on an ongoing basis. I think that finding a passion that has inherent social opportunities is key. Being, or becoming, a joiner certainly helps.

Spot on, Dave NoCal! I've told the same to several friends for years. So many activities available.. Get out and enjoy. The gym, bicycles, motorcycles, boating, skiing, camping, cars, auctions, computers, travel, on and on.
You'll meet people, become friends, have good times, Special friends will emerge. You'll have close friends that don't even know each other, different groups, always liked that. My way of not wearing out my welcome..
I've lost friends too, but new ones come along, so thankful they do.
 

AnerosO

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There's no shame in waiting to have relationships a little later in life. The relationships you have when you're more grownup are more rewarding. While I did have relationships when I was younger, I did not have my first serious relationship until I was 27.

The mid-twenties are *tough* for most of us and definitely was for me. I would just say writhe in the existential abstraction and find as much joy and experience as you can in it, and things will naturally start to sort itself out in your later twenties. There's no need for impatience.

And don't let the darkness of the Pacific Northwest winters get you down. I'm in the Olympic Peninsula myself. It seems like a seasonal bug out here that people get reflective in a depressive way. I've learned to make the winters as productive as possible. If you're into music and art and photography like you say, the long winter nights i find are the perfect time to get way into a creative headspace and focus on a personal project. and as you do these things for yourself, charging your willpower and pride and your ability to bring yourself joy all on your lonesome, others will be naturally attracted to that and will come to you, you won't have to find them.


Kitsap Peninsula, here :) Ive been working on some projects over the last few months that I'm really happy with