I need help please-lengthy but bothersome situation.

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Dingus Nosedigger, Jul 15, 2009.

  1. D_Dingus Nosedigger

    D_Dingus Nosedigger New Member

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    Backstory: me and my one friend were pretty close emotionally and we also were physically close (platonically). It was normal for us to randomly push each other or hug or poke at each other in a normal friendly way. I had told him I was gay at the beginning of the school year (probably october) and he said he was fine with it...and our physical stuff continued. I had confessed to him, in december, that I had been infatuated with him as well...but I was pretty much over it and I apologized for it, which he was also fine with.

    The situation: He pulled away from me and our mutual friends and he just stopped hanging out with the same crowd as he did before and I started to miss him. Towards the end of the school year (may) we were together again and I just so happy to see him, I went probably abit overboard with the physical hugging and such but I thought nothing of it. He was my best friend and i missed him.

    Three days into finals week I received an email that said "i dont want to be friends anymore, only friendly acquaintances" and "as a catholic I am against the lifestyle you live, you 'dating' men, the comments you make about men, etc. Sorry that I ddin't tell you this months ago" and all this other stuff. I am catholic too so i felt taking a relgious stance on it was silly b/c we are on the same field...but that's just me

    My main problem is that: I dont know what to do. My caring side says to forgive him and hopefully we'll become friends again. My evil side says to pray that he is pained and all this bad stuff happens to him, equal to the pain he caused me.

    Does anyone that's been in a similar situation have advice for me? He was my best friend and now I just don't know what to think/do about what he said to me.
     
  2. Phil Ayesho

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    He is wrestling with demons of his own, it has nothing at all to do with you.

    Perhaps someone in his family or religious circle has made comments to him about hanging around with you... perhaps he is being brainwashed by other friends or religious mentors about it... perhaps having his own sexuality called into question....

    Perhaps he is getting more serious about his faith and, in looking into it can not reconcile a friendship with you...


    But it is ALL shit happening in his poor mixed up head.

    Ignore it. Tell him you will always be his friend and will, at his request, leave him alone... but that you will still be there, and still be accepting of him whenever he feels his faith allows him to reciprocate.

    Wish no one ill.

    Feel sorry for the fact the delusional idiocy has claimed an otherwise wonderful friend...
     
  3. hud01

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    say byebye....tell him when he really accepts the tenents of his religion you will think about being friends with him, but for now he can go away.

    Edit: He is not your best friend if that is the way that he is going to treat you.
     
  4. DiscoBoy

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    The part I made bold makes me think you're playing the "What If?" game. "What if I hadn't hugged him all that much?", and whatever else may be going through your head. Trust me, the hugging isn't what put the rift in your relationship. You can't undue the past, so seriously, you shouldn't nor can't (for the sake of your sanity) think like that.

    Every reasonable person thinks it's silly. I don't think religion is the sole reason for him refusing to continue a real friendship with you. If it was, he would've told you much sooner, but I'm sure it's a major player.

    You should forgive him. It's nigh impossible for a heterosexual person to completely understand and fully grasp the concept of homosexuality. They don't have a first-hand experience of it so they can only go on what they're told, and considering the Catholic background, I doubt it's at all good. The ignorance is understandable, so you've no reason to wish ill upon him. Not that anyone ever has a reason to do such a thing.

    Honestly, there isn't much you can do. You can tell him how upsetting this is to you, tell him you forgive him and that if he ever has a change of heart (becomes reasonable) that you'd gladly attempt to go back to the way things were. Other than that, do nothing. If he's set on it not working, it isn't going to work and you'll just cause yourself a ridiculous amount of heartache. The ball is in his court. Seriously, try to move on.
     
  5. CUBE

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    It is hurtful so allow yourself to mourn the loss of a friend....but you did nothing wrong and deserve friends that support you. I am sorry you are going through this. Treat yourself well.
     
  6. heist

    heist New Member

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    I agree with DiscontentBoy -- stay open to him possibly having a change of heart. That said, I think you should also keep yourself open to finding another buddy, because there's nothing worse than missing out on other possible friendships because you were too busy mourning of another friendship.

    The best thing you can do for yourself is to do what makes you sustainably happy.
     
  7. Smartalk

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    Sorry to hear of your plite, sad that any friend of longstanding decides they don't want to be your friend anymore. You said that he pulled away from you AND your mutual friends, to me it doesn't all sound to be all about you. You don't know what has gone on in his own life or going on in his mind right now. Maybe he has a lot on his mind, possibly his own insecurities and issues.

    I agree accept the we loose friendships and make others as we travel through life, but as others have said; tell him you respect what he has asked, because he is your friend, but let him know you will always be there for him should he ever need you and simply leave it at that.

    Good luck
     
  8. Viking_UK

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    I'd say let him know you accept his decision, but that you'll leave the door open if he wants to be friends again. He may have stuff going on in his life that you don't know about which he has to deal with in his own way, but be prepared for that to take years. For now, just get on with your own life.
     
  9. greekgott

    greekgott New Member

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    Move on. I had the same experience last year and it still pains me. But you know now that he is not the right person for you. It is sad, but probably true. If he comes back later on in life may be you will be happy then, but till then you have to live. Forgive him and wish him that he can learn to think for himself.
     
  10. D_Dingus Nosedigger

    D_Dingus Nosedigger New Member

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    Well thanks everyone for the support and help! I have started to process everything that you all said and I think its working. I'm starting to get over the whole situation and the feeling that I lost someone special is sort of fading.

    I realize now, like what you all basically said, he's most likely going through random crap in his own life and that I should just try to accept he is distancing himself because of it.

    I"m still working on the forgiveness part...that's the toughest part of the whole situation, but I feel I can get there sometime. I will just take me a while.
     
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